rooster59

 

The news that Thailand’s famed Maya Bay was reopening to limited tourism on January 1st set Rooster into a reverie about a life led amid ever changing attitudes and actions towards both harming and protecting the environment. 

 

Maya Bay in Krabi was ruined by mass and unregulated tourism then was closed for three years. It reopened yesterday with just 375 tourists allowed to stay for an hour each. Sharks have returned to the bay, coral has been regenerated and a species of terrestrial brown crab is now prevalent.

 

Though the continued improvement of the area is a success story for Thailand, much more still needs to be done everywhere and in all forms of life on the part of both the local population and foreigners residing in the kingdom. 

 

There is a will among many dedicated Thai ecologists but we all need to do more so that the issue is not given lip service and that face saving campaigns designed to make politicians look good are swamped by wider public action affecting attitude shifts on a bigger scale. We can all play a part. 

 

Rooster was brought up in a house in the south London suburbs, with a woods and stream behind our garden. They were our playgrounds - push bikes and balls, our toys. 

 

Even in our privileged neighborhood the streets were filthy with litter and dog mess. Public service announcements told us not to litter. Signs in the streets warned dog owners to little effect. No one walking their dog would have dreamed of picking up the pooh like they do now.

 

But slowly attitudes began to change. As kids we burned tires at the end of the garden - something we’d never do today. 

 

Our parents told us of “Pea soupers” - days in London when you could barely see the hand in front of your face when thousands with bronchitis would die. The Clean Air Act began to change that. 

 

In Central London the Thames was filthy. Buildings were caked black in industrial grime and vehicle emissions. These days fish swim far upriver and the buildings have been sandblasted and are cleaner as the air quality has improved. 

 

But litter from millions of kebabs and fast food meals still plagues many areas. Still more needs to be done despite a far more enlightened population. 

 

Of course, there were good things when I was a kid that went downhill. Our groceries were delivered by Mr Salter on his bicycle. His wares were wrapped not in plastic but paper. The “potato man” delivered 56 pound refillable bags of spuds to the front door. Milk bottles were left out for collection with the empties refilled with your “Gold Top”. So many things you bought in the shops could be returned for a few pennies deposit. The “Rag and Bone” man recycled. My dad had one very expensive fridge for 40 years.

 

These disappeared by and large though on moving to Thailand in the 1980’s it was great to see that a version of these were still in place. Some exist to this day though many have sadly gone. Today we throw away far cheaper electrical items and just replace them with hardly a care about what happens to the waste. Out of sight out of mind.  

 

My own attitudes to littering and environmental protection had moved on sufficiently that I was truly shocked by what many Thais did when I arrived in the country.  

 

My first wife, bless her, casually tossed out a Lipo bottle into the undergrowth as we toured Sukhothai on a motorcycle. I doubled back and picked it up saying that little animals would get stuck inside.

 

Years later she told the story that not littering was the only thing I ever taught her! Double bless!

 

The BMA started a campaign of greening and one called “Taa Wiset” or Magic Eye. This was designed to make the population more aware of the environment in Bangkok. It didn’t last.

 

Trucks and filthy buses belched black smoke and the air was thick. You needed to wash after a ride through the city. Dust was everywhere and this only improved after the 1997 economic crash and the end of much construction. 

 

These days the air is cleaner - contrary to the moaners - but the Thai capital and many other cities are still plagued by the latest buzzword “PM2.5”. Crackdowns on pollution don’t address the underlying causes like crop burning by the sugar industry. Much more still needs to be done. 

 

Coastal areas are still thick with trash blown in from the sea. Much of it got there after being blown out from rivers and klongs where it is dumped. People still leave their lunch for others to tidy up in national parks. Liter bins overflow, if and when they are ever filled. Traders still dump cooking oil down the drain. Laws exist but enforcement is still sporadic. 

 

Crackdowns rather than sustainable solutions. 

 

Thailand still has far too much “food and drinks in a plastic” bag style convenience. Things have only worsened as home food delivery adds to waste everywhere.

 

Cast your mind back to a few days before the pandemic began. The much hyped D-Day that was the start of widespread bans on plastic bag use started on January 1st 2020. Two years ago. 

 

Covid-19 completely pushed that agenda off the news though many shoppers at supermarkets now take their own bags and big retailers continue to follow through. 

 

From a personal perspective I have got used to taking reusable bags everywhere. My new condo management introduced recycle bins that pleased and helped me. I put my 5 year old daughter in charge of recycling duties. The kids' Xmas presents were bikes and bike repairs. I’m constantly banging the drum to Mrs Rooster who still doesn’t quite get it.

 

But then do we all?

 

I still ride motorbikes, have a petrol car, still buy countless items in plastic and toss them out expecting them to somehow disappear just because I can’t see them. We’re all just as guilty as ever. 

 

And we can all do more both in our personal lives and in inspiring those around us to protect the environment and educate our children. 

 

My new year resolution is to take more containers to be filled than rely on packaging. To talk to traders about putting things like sugar and dried chili in yet more plastic bags for my noodles. To tell the manager at Big C about the horrendous and unnecessary waste in many of their packaged products. Tell him and others why this will affect the money I’ll spend in his shop. How I can take my trade elsewhere if I’m unhappy. I’ll walk more, cycle more. Take the train when I might have flown.  

 

And yes bang on more even if people don’t seem to listen, even if I’m still hypocritical in many ways. 

 

Let’s all try and do the same and encourage the Thais that we love and care for to follow suit. For the benefit of us all.

 

It’s not a lost cause and genuine change can come from the grass roots of any society.

 

Here endeth my Sunday sermon; I’ll forgo a roundup of more news this week and begin again after the holidays. 

 

Finally, many will be glad to see the back of 2021. It was the Chinese Year of the Ox - maybe it should have been the Year of the Pox, though two years of pox would be more accurate. 

 

February 1st 2022 will see the start of the Year of the Tiger. Hopefully we can roar and see the back of Covid and all its variants. 

 

Hopefully the politicians, virologists, doctors and pundits who talk about living with Covid-19 will start walking the walk. 

 

Hopefully the press will be more responsible in its reporting, less scare-mongering, more keen to call out the “experts’ ” claims and the politicians for their vote buying rhetoric. 

 

We all need to move on, get the economy back on track, get back to work. And quite frankly…..

 

Get our lives back.

 

Happy New Year!

 

Rooster

 

 

 

The mood in Thailand took a big shift this week. Just when it should have been the season to be jolly, that carpet of hope was whipped away as “Grinch Omicron” and its hysterical facilitators stole the festive season. 

 

Now more than ever the people are turning on the government over what many see as Omicron panic. 

 

Tourists were put off coming while traders vented their frustration. One placard at the MoPH read:

 

“STOP just a few doctors deciding our fate”. Increasingly they seem to have a point.

 

Then while a chamber of commerce leader said the economic impact would be minimal, tourism people in Koh Samui said they had invested heavily in Thailand’s reopening - only to be knocked back yet again. 

 

Yes, it’s come to this. Politicians are flip-flopping with festive season abandon. While the Thais - and most everybody around the world - are at the whim of the men in white coats when Santa in his red coat should be bringing joy.

 

What a sea change from the days when a white coat and glasses - in countless TV ads - inferred respect and deference without thought for a Thai public used to bowing and scraping to authority.

 

They have had enough. The worm has turned. They are now joining large numbers of disenchanted foreigners in the country and potential tourists abroad who are at their wits end.

 

New Year beckons - of course a far more important time for Thais than Christmas. But 2022 looks bleak in the eyes of many. Hopes had been raised; now those hopes are being dashed.

 

Anutin Charnvirakul - health minister and DPM -  tried to burble his way through all this saying the suspension of new Test and Go applications was temporary. Then he went into standard mode, bigging up himself and his health department for strict measures and bountiful supplies of drugs and vaccines and the Thai people for following protocols to 90% effectiveness. 

 

All much better than those silly people abroad. 

 

Prayut got himself caught up in total confusion and delirium. Rather than saying CCSA he said NCPO.

 

No, sir, (pronounced in a certain way this means idiot) you disbanded the National Council for Peace and Order when you said this was no longer a “junta”. Remember?

 

And BTW - you’re not a general anymore, if that helps with pointing out the new reality you find yourself in. So please stop barking like one!

 

Anyway, let’s not get too depressed. I’m still basking in the parental joy of seeing my little kids wowing over their presents and enjoying leftover chicken from a delicious feast yesterday. 

 

I nearly lost one of my daughters last month in a swimming pool accident so it’s a special festive joy for me this year. What is going on outside the walls of my condo can stay there.

 

I’m happy so up yours Jack!

 

The suspension of Test and Go and Sandbox - and the introduction of yet more expensive tests for the 200,000 waiting to come - was hardly unexpected. 

 

It seems pointless to bash Thailand too much when restrictions are rising in Europe where bars and hospitality are being shut everywhere too.

 

Thailand doesn’t seem out of step with the Omicron madness! Epsilon will surely be next before we have to move onto the Hebrew alphabet after Omega. 

 

Fortunately, as ever Thailand kept locals and foreigners entertained in other ways this week.

 

Chief of these was a footbridge in Sattahip built round a power pole. It wasn’t finished but following a social media loss of face the district chief and mayor rushed to the scene within hours.

 

They managed to shift blame - if any were due - to the Navy who’ll get it all sorted in the New Year.

 

Then Sanook found another bridge in Korat where kids and the elderly have to actually step over electric wires and cables on the way to a school. This one was finished months ago!

 

Rooster, remembering a similar case in 2016, reignited the “Stairway to Heaven” idea as locals predicted a swift meeting with their maker by using the bridges.

 

Then laughs were taken to new heights as a SuperPoll suggested that Prayut was the Thai public’s favorite politician of 2021. They loved his “copay” scheme apparently.

 

Here at ASEAN NOW we love Anutin more; he gives us more news content for his brand of crass stupidity almost but not quite rivaling tourism minister Pipat and TAT chief Yutthasak.

 

To all four may I extend our heartfelt thanks for keeping the site afloat this year. Your flip-flopping and predictions have proved a life saver!

 

As if to prove my point one of the most commented upon stories in the last seven days was “news” that Anutin wants to be the next PM. Cue Outrage with a capital “O” on the forum!! 

 

This week Rooster celebrates the 300th edition of The Week That Was. In March 2016 I answered an ad for a translator on Thaivisa and since then have written more than five million words in 17,000 translations from Thai. 

 

I take pride in trying to explain the news as much as translate the Thai press accurately. Whenever you read “ASEAN NOW notes” that’s me, hopefully objectively.

 

The column - without a single Sunday break in nearly six years - has now far exceeded half a million words. Too many, some say, not enough say others! Up to you! 

 

Last week’s column on racism and stereotyping in Thailand was one of the most read and commented upon ever. Sadly it turned into a bicker-fest in the comments though many tried, and succeeded, in making salient and sensible observations on the subject.

 

I took exception to one poster calling the OP “trollish”. My views are genuinely held and very often middle of the road. I merely wanted to show how things were when I grew up and in the early days of Thailand and how they have developed. How the world in and outside Thailand has moved on, or not as the case may be.

 

I’m not interested in clicks per se; I want to inform and entertain and will continue to attempt that until I celebrate 1,000 not out.

 

At least I’m already scoring far more than the English cricket team down under…..

 

It was generally quite a bad week for the British in Thailand. Omicron Brits were found in both Samui and Chiang Rai (among more than 100 cases nationwide) while a far worse fate nearly befell one Blighty expat in Samut Prakan.

 

“Mr Jack” refused to get a pestering Thai man a beer and ended up being chased 200 meters at knifepoint.

 

I must say that I have very infrequently been asked to buy anyone a beer in Thailand. If I was, I'd say that I needed to keep my money in my pocket lest my “mia luang” (main wife) think I had been treating my “mia noi”(mistress).

 

Such banter usually diffuses any situation you need to extricate yourself from and shows the value of having more than “taxi Thai” to fall back on. 

 

Also, in my experience in Thailand I have found that it is far more likely to be invited to drink with generous Thais whether it be lao khao or beer. I use a version of the same excuse if I don't want to partake - missus #1 will miss me and suspect if I dally outside the home.

 

“Diaw mia luang ja waa ow!” - etc etc…

 

Grisly crime of the week had to be a 15 year old who hammered a 12 year old to death in sleepy Cha-Am.

 

Violent video games were blamed by his elder sibling who called him a quiet lad. 

 

Blaming GPS was a trucker in Nonthaburi taking a consignment south. He appeared to be so entranced by the dulcet tones of the GPS lady that he missed the sign saying “No vehicles higher than 2.9 meters”. 

 

His rig was 3 meters plus and the low bridge did the rest. 

 

Finally spare a thought for the thousands in Thailand - many from Scandinavia - whose lives were either ended or affected forever by the Asian Tsunami on this day in 2004. 

 

I was in my high up condo in Bangkok about 8.30 am when I noticed the mouthwash in the Listerine bottle wobble while I was in the bathroom. 

 

My son who was downstairs at my duplex said: “Wow dad! Did you feel the building shake”. I thought it must be a passing truck….

 

Meanwhile a close Harrow school colleague of mine in Khao Lak was being carried 400 meters inland in a smashed window frame, ending up high in a palm tree pulling another tourist to safety. My friend went on to become a headmaster in China.

 

He had a bad leg for a while and, not surprisingly, a fear of going to the seaside.

 

The stories of heroism and tragedy that day will stay with me forever. 

 

Lest we forget.

 

Rooster

 

 

 

Rooster was brought up in a very different world to the one he now finds himself in - both geographically and in terms of society. 

 

Over the years we have all had to become adjusted to changing social mores especially when it comes to issues of racism and racial stereotypes even if we are stuck in one place all our lives.

 

Yes, 1970’s Britain was a world away from 2021 Thailand. 

 

Despite going to secondary school in relatively inner London there were only three people who didn’t look very like me in my year group after an “all white” upbringing at primary school in the outer suburbs. 

 

At Alleyn’s there was Patel from Pakistan plus Abby (with an impossibly long name) from somewhere that I’d never heard of called Sri Lanka (a country that I later came to love); my mum said she thought it was Ceylon and they grew tea.

 

And there was a West Indian boy called Bosun, presumably from somewhere in western India. They all seemed friendly and we got on fine playing football but I never went to their houses. 

 

My dad was an immigrant himself but he was from Le Mans so was white; half French and bilingual he passed off as English easily. I never thought that if French people were all black then I would be too.  

 

Our household seemed to be welcoming to all races. A relative's girlfriend from St Vincent arrived and my father was all over her like a rash. It was weird but then growing up was weird. Lots of contradictions to get a young head around.

 

On the telly was Love Thy Neighbour, Alf Garnett and at Christmas my parents enjoyed the Black and White Minstrels. I preferred the Harlem Globetrotters and one bald hoopster who was called Curly. As the decade unfolded we shrieked with laughter as John Cleese did his funny walk after abusing some Germans - they deserved it, of course. And he mentioned the war once but got away with it. (More later about Mr Cleese who is visiting Bangkok in January).

 

The latter, unbelievably from 1990, can be seen on YouTube and I would recommend it. It’s excuse was that it was a spoof on US sitcoms. It featured Adolf and his loving wife Eva and the downtrodden neighbors the Goldensteins, Arny and Rosa.

 

Both shows shocked and appalled me. What had happened in the intervening decades to make this so?

 

Travel and a broadening of the mind as well as societal shifts unimagined in the 1970s. I left troubled Thatcherite Britain in the early eighties and found myself sticking out like a sore thumb on the streets of Bangkok.

 

I rather liked being different and didn’t mind at all when people called me ‘farang’ or made fun of being a pink “dried shrimp” if I spent too long in the sun. It appeared to me that white people were afforded a lot of respect that I was grateful for. The same did not seem to be true of the darker skinned visitor, or even the darker local. This troubled me but I still put it down to what Brits call “banter”.

 

Racism and stereotypes were still far from my mind. I heard that I was a “Phudee Angrit” (English Gentlemen), that French people came from the “Land of Perfume”, Germans “Beer” and Dutch “Tulips”. Indians were just “khaek” that Thais told me meant “guest” with a snigger (a word that I learnt not to play in word games without the initial “S” for fear of outraging Americans. As kids we’d used it innocently in an “Eeny Meeny Miny Mo” rhyme).

 

I pointed out to Thais that these terms they bandied about were all stereotypes; one student asked if that was some kind of “hi-fi”.

 

I brushed my teeth with Darkie toothpaste that had a picture of a black man on the front. Oh for teeth like him! It was some years before they changed the name to Darlie and ditched the image. 

 

In the mid eighties I started going back to England not to live but as a holidaymaker. I was now a tad educated about racial issues and therefore aghast that a close relative should use a word for a man walking peacefully along the street that was the same as a processed cheese commonly sold in Australia. (My Aussie flatmate was no better, referring to anyone who wasn’t white as “passport Australians.”)

 

I caught up with a pal who I’d met in Bangkok who was the first person I knew who had a kid with a Thai. He shook his head after his daughter was called “a chocolate drop”.

 

Thank goodness the world has moved on but as the Premier League advert reminds us - racism never went away and we all need to do more no matter if we consider ourselves enlightened. Many white people, in particular, need to take a long hard look at themselves for speaking from a privileged position in denying racism exists. 

 

The same goes for some foreigners in Thailand who moan about Thai xenophobia in one breath then make appalling comments about Indians and Chinese in the next. 

 

We should all wince when hearing people say there is not a racist bone in my body or “some of my best friends are…”. 

 

We need to question ourselves. A few years back I innocently wrote in a translation from Thai on ASEAN NOW the word “Chinaman” and was roundly criticized. I had no idea people found it offensive. I haven’t repeated that. 

 

This week Thai immigration and the press writing about a raid in Ramkhamhaeng used the term “khon phiw see” - Rooster translated this as “colored” with posters saying it should be “people of color”. Still others said there was no difference. 

 

It’s a learning curve. 

 

I particularly like how many British comedians have addressed the subject through irony and our favorite sarcasm. Ricky Gervais’s “Racism Test” in Extras is one of the finest segments in ‘comedy’ history. Check that out, too, if you’ve never seen it.

 

John Cleese, now 82, - oh so famous the world over for Monty Python and his masterpiece creation of Basil in Fawlty Towers -  will be visiting, Bangkok for an Asian leg of his “Why There Is No Hope” tour (on January 11th at Muang Thong Thani, tickets start 1,500 baht).

 

The Guardian has called it “less comedy” and more about society’s issues. Mr Cleese has become more crabby in recent years but it should still be worth a visit. 

 

This week he complained about a BBC interview that turned into a “cancel culture” fest. Last year he called the Beeb “cowardly and gutless” for taking “The Germans” off one of their streaming sites. He even blacklisted himself from speaking at Cambridge University as he was bound to break their rules!

 

My final word on the subject comes after seeing Susie Dent on Sky this week. Susie is the lexicographer famous on one of the UK’s longest running word and maths game shows, Countdown. 

 

She told Kay Burley that she absolutely loves slurs. With 400 slurs recently removed from my favorite dictionary to satisfy games maker Mattel, I have to say I agree with her. 

 

And there isn’t a racist bone in my body and some of my best friends are…...

 

As usual ASEAN NOW published a huge array of interesting stories this week the following catching my beady eye:

 

Daily News were in Loei when they caught A-NUT-IN the health minister ranting and bigging up Thailand over Covid.

 

He called the dreaded lurgy “grajork” or inferior when it comes to Thailand’s abilities to give it a sound thrashing! Then he banged on about “government” vaccines being available up to the 5th dose next year...blah blah effing blah.

 

Earlier Anutin and the CCSA’s Dr Opas confirmed that New Year officially ends for drinkers at 1 am on the 1st of January. The third “Grinch that Stole Pee Mai” - Bangkok governor Aswin - agreed and said you’d need to be double vaxxed and ATK’d even to attend the “countdown” - not a word game in Thailand of course! 

 

No thanks, I’ll enjoy the fireworks from my balcony if they are allowed.

 

Apropos, this week as the mercury plummeted I nipped out to a “famous Bangkok road” to see how the other half lived, doubting a Thai doctor’s view that booze couldn’t keep you warm. Dozens of bars were serving drinks without an SHA+ accreditation or a plate of food in sight. Methinks the local constabulary will have enough money to live it up at New Year, possibly even after 1 am.  

 

I only spoke to one woman - Mrs R’s sister who has fallen on hard times - had a 12 inch Subway, made my excuses and left. 

 

Two Thai banks - SCB and Krung Sri - told tourism minister Pipat and TAT chief Yutthasak that their rose tinted view of tourism recovery next year was optimistic. And some.

 

Rather than 20 million foreigners spending 1.8 trillion baht they predicted it could be as low as two or three million visitors being frugal with a capital F.

 

Yutthasak had previously said that he favored high spending tourists. Yes, no riff-raff are welcome these days as it’s “Value over Volume”.

 

I propose these are now to be called VoV tourists for short. 

 

Another report suggested that “Same Sex Marriage” in Thailand remained years off. If it’s any consolation the sex in my marriage has been the same for decades. 

 

In Thonglor an old lady went to what passes for the local police to complain about “light pollution” from an LED sign. “Air and noise” pollution thus amusingly took a back seat though soon all and sundry were harping on about PM2.5. One official said this year’s coughing would be worse than ever. 

 

In Phetchabun, Thais went into irony overdrive to suggest that the kingdom’s famous hanging wires were now a tourist attraction for “farang selfies”.

 

On the expressway a Road Rage man claimed self-defence with a tire iron while a cosmetic executive drove his Benz into three innocents killing them all in the latest “Thailand Road Carnage” that saw 74 others dead on Monday. 

 

In happier news a factory worker in Prachinburi called Jamlong scooped 6 million on the lottery. He couldn’t decide what number to choose when purchasing the lucky ticket so plumped for the year of birth of his ex-girlfriend - 35. 

 

The number 639235 came up. I was at the Railway Park on Thursday afternoon with Mrs R and the chicks recovering from cycling when conversation turned to the just completed the draw. 

 

Motorcycle taxi drivers, passers-by, the shop owner, everyone was giving their hard luck stories about missing 235. All I could muster was that I was 23 once and my daughter is 5 so I really should have got it.

 

Bemused looks as Brit sarcasm triumphs. 

 

Finally thanks for reading this far. It’s a very long column and every week I’m both criticized and praised for that. Don’t expect any change and stay tuned for next week’s 300th edition of The Week That Was.

 

Oh, and….

 

Merry Christmas to all my readers in Thailand and around the world.  

 

Rooster

 

 

 

 

Having always loved the cut and thrust of politics, one of Rooster’s favorite delights is to tune into Sky’s coverage of the UK Houses of Parliament for Prime Minister’s question time every Wednesday. 

 

I also love a good laugh having quit the UK when I was knee high to a tukkataen (now you’ve learned the word for a grasshopper).

 

This week Boris Johnson was under fire for having parties 12 months ago while his compatriots were in lockdown and couldn’t go to funerals. 

 

Opposition leader Keir Starmer said that he was taking the British public for fools.

 

This week it seemed it was not just the Brits - are we not all feeling like we’ve been trussed up like a kipper since Omicron came on the scene?

 

Now Rooster’s been a good little puppy (I prefer not to use the world “sheeple” because I don’t know the singular).

 

I’ve worn my mask everywhere, even on the motorbike. Fist bumped my mates and kept a few meters away when we’ve occasionally met “offline”. Not dared to seek out a speak-easy.  Educated my children at home for two years while paying full fees. Locked myself and my family away like prisoners. Had two jabs in my arms when I hadn’t had any vaccines since I was a kid. 

 

Believed in the 70% herd immunity. Believed in the “must learn to live with Covid” rhetoric. Believed that our individual efforts would be for the greater good.

 

I’ve even done my best maintaining hope that good times were just around the corner.

 

The BBC announced yesterday that two doses of vaccine are not enough to stop you catching Omicron. Even a third booster will give only 75% protection against symptoms.

 

Government minister Gove said it was “deeply concerning” as the UK heads for 100,000 infections in weeks and more “threats to the health system”.

 

In Thailand - where we see similar trends but where only about 5% of the population  are triple vaxxed - the doctors have said Omicron will be the most prevalent strain soon. 

 

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see where this is heading. Even I can do the sum: “Song buak song = sii”

 

Voila!

 

More of my prison sentence. More being an unpaid teacher. More restrictions. More misery. More arguments with the missus because we’ve gone stir crazy. Patience has worn thinner than my bank balance.

 

The carpet of hope that was vaccines is being pulled from under us. AstraZeneca and Pfizer - two of the most widely used in Thailand are now looking as effective as Sinovac was against Delta. 

 

Moderna and J and J are expected to be the same.  

 

And what is all this for exactly? What replaces this? Yes, more vaccines of course you silly fool! We’re on the wagon, you can’t get off now!

 

Data is admittedly sketchy but early signs are that Omicron is more infectious but less likely to induce serious disease. LESS likely.

 

I’m losing the will to live let alone believe Big Pharma who always seem to say that we’ll just need more of their products.

 

Funny that. What a merry-go-round minus the merry. 

 

If the reader senses a tad of frustration from your favorite columnist - you’re goddamn right. If I may be allowed to speak ill of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 

 

Thailand had its first Omicron case in a US national from Spain this week. A couple of Thai women back from Nigeria were next. 

 

(I doubt they even had a sniffle - meanwhile my mother-in-law was at death’s door with chronic diabetes - a mere bagatelle!)

 

The reaction to the latest Greek letter was ridiculous. Complete over-reaction. I thought the Thai media was going to start blaming the road carnage on the new variant with so many spikes it looks like a Christmas bauble.

 

Here are some other gems that caught Rooster’s beady eye. I include them in the hope that it may afford the reader a chuckle or two or may - don’t wait for it - give us hope!

 

Hope that the rich and famous may actually get rice gruel after Premchai Karnasuta - chief of Thailand’s biggest construction firm Ital-Thai - was jailed for two and a half years for poaching.

 

It’s a fair sentence. Now keep him in there. Premchai has been playing the “I’m too sick to be in prison plan” appearing with walking sticks, wheelchairs and patches on his eyes. 

 

Give him a bandaid and a corner of the prison floor with a picture of a sad panther on the wall. 

 

Pheu Thai MPs caused some laughs when they suggested that Laos was streets ahead - maybe that should be tracks - when it comes to railways. Jibes against Prayut of course.

 

The neighboring country - used to buffalo jokes from the Thais - now has 400kms+ of swanky high speed Chinese rail. 

 

Thailand has enough track to get you to 7-Eleven if and when it opens. You’re lucky if you take a long distance train and arrive on the scheduled day, let alone an hour.

 

Meanwhile poking fun at other nationalities - called racism and xenophobia in some quarters - continued at the Immigration Bureau where a huge vinyl board gloated over the arrest of a fraudster from “the land of perfume”.

 

Yes, this French man who’d done the dirty on a string of Thai women was not smelling so sweet in IB clink.

 

Som Nam Na I hear you say though Facebook’s ASEAN NOW commentators - a minority of whom appear about as intelligent as a dead “moo han” - delighted that foreigners were now getting their own back on tricky Thai women.

 

In their eyes the entire female population of Thailand are prostitutes who deserve whatever is coming to them. As I said, thankfully it is only a minority who appear to hold those views. 

 

Bucking the trend for honesty was a “moo han” (suckling pig) trader on Samui who is also a real estate agent.

 

He pictured himself up to his neck in water in a flooded bog he had for sale grasping the chanote (land title deed). He wanted to show that all his ilk were not money grabbing tykes but could be honest about their deals for land prone to flooding.

 

He also noted that it would be good publicity and the netizens obliged by sharing far and wide. 

 

Insurance was in the news. A driver was irked that he paid a quarter of a million premium then the company wouldn’t cough up after he crashed his Ferrari in the rain on the motorway. 

 

They said the engine number was wrong and he was “speed testing”.

 

A furious debate ensued on the forum less about insurance companies shafting their customers and more about the state of the roads.

 

One claimed they were great and another that they were appalling for his alleged collection of supercars that made Joe Ferrari look like he drives a Fiesta. 

 

In other insurance news Nong Ying’s mum and dad got 2.5 million baht out of a company after they were named and shamed following the death of the 21 year old law student in Buriram several months ago.

 

The parents made good on their promise - a standard one Thais make to temples before lottery wins - to hold a 100 day Tham Bun (merit making) event for Ying and install CCTV where the Benz driving woman sent her soul skywards.

 

How quaint - surrounding the pen after the cow has done a runner, as the Thai proverb says.

 

Meanwhile DPM Prawit decreed from on high: “Let it rain!”

 

And lo and behold it didn’t. You see he picked a bad time, the dry cool season.

 

Never mind, the clouds would be seeded and soon it’ll pour - just you skeptics watch!

 

Then Prawit said” Let there be pie” - and behold, there was pie on the table for tea. 

 

Replete and on the seventh day he rested and looked at catalogs for nice watches. 

 

Years ago Prawit noted that 20,000 plus of his “phee nong” were carking it on the roads. 

 

Then he said: “Let there be no death!”.

 

Then 25K continued to perish, though of course 80% are expendable motorcyclists. 

 

Daily News reported the carnage continues unabated. Deaths are a tad down on last year but everyone’s been stuck at home with the motosai gathering dust with the chickens under the house because the people don’t have money for the gas. 

 

The failure to do anything on the roads is only matched by the complete mess that is the “War on Drugs”.

 

The corrections department chief sheepishly admitted that 82% of his guests are in for drugs and they can now go to court for earlier release after the rules were changed Thursday.

 

The Narcotics Control Board chief said the changes meant he could now grab dowries and bequests as well as other assets. 

 

Then he said that those who got two years for a few Ya Ba would now get just 12 months.

 

Whoopy Do! 

 

Why not work with your Laos and Myanmar pals and shut down a few meth labs rather than announcing a huge press conference to report the latest mule arrest or Thai woman with some coke in her luggage or some partygoers having a spliff. 

 

We know the answer to that - MONEY!

 

Transport minister Saksayam was puffing out his chest in Pattaya announcing that Thailand would soon be a hub of luxury liners - he meant to say harbor but he forgot the word.

 

He declared that the Pattaya sands were wonderful. Fortunately Prawit had failed in the rainmaking and the sands were actually in situ for the minister’s visit. 

 

They are normally washed back into sea from whence they came meaning that another billion baht or so just has to be spent to advance tourism and “improve the image of the world class resort”.

 

Former playboy-cum-politico Chuwit Kamolwisit admitted this week that he was over the hill. Hasn’t he heard of the help available from drugs that seem to end in - gra?

 

The former “Lord of the Soaps” (that’s fishbowl massage not primetime TV in Thailand) said that the old days were over after an ad appeared for a 470 million baht massage parlor in Pin Klao. He pointed out that most of the money was in the value of the land for condos.

 

Oh I don’t know. When it comes to prostitution Thailand always manages to find a way despite adversity. Yes, most of it has moved online in the pandemic but it was going that way pre-2019.

 

Whether Pattaya can survive as sin-city-by-the-sea is another matter. For that den of iniquity the pandemic has sounded a boom-boom death knell.

 

Now the only stories you get from “the resort” (as Bernard Trink used to call it) are inane reports from Thai media that the Thai tourists are flooding in for long weekends and that it’s “kheuk khak” - exciting again.

 

Give me some TOA emulsion and a brush and I’ll show you something more exciting than Pattaya. 

 

Like Scrabble….perhaps.

 

Rooster reported on the end of the world championships held “virtually” online in which two of my Thai pals did admirably and which was won by New Zealander Alastair Richards.

 

I remember losing to him when he was a teenager in Penang about ten years ago and being a Scrabble pro’s version of suicidal. 

 

Posters asked me if I had competed in the latest championship. 

 

No, I didn’t trust the monitoring from Pakistan designed to stop people around the world cheating. 

 

Even my favorite game has been denied me during this damned pandemic.

 

Just call me a right fool. 

 

Rooster

 

 

 

One of the most touching stories of the week came from the north east of Thailand - that lovely part of the kingdom that this Bangkokian has always thoroughly appreciated even if I like to tease the natives as bumpkins.

 

The story featured a 64 year old lady called Luay who died from lung cancer last week and was given a rather unusual sendoff in front of the temple crematorium.

 

In her interesting life she had been a Ramwong Girl - a kind of dancer in short skirt famous for appearing at all kinds of events and accompanying “luuk thung” or country singers in their performances and videos.

 

In later life she started her own troupe and it was these ladies - some perhaps a little the ‘wrong’ side of 50 - who turned out to perform three numbers before the fire was lit and Luay went upstairs through the chimney to join the dancers in the clouds.

 

How beautiful to see the grieving celebrating a life well lived, clapping the performance and being comforted by comments that this is “exactly how she would have wanted to go”.

 

Rooster has been to many Thai funerals though none were as sad as my first wedding...I jest.

 

But they are not always as sad as you might think with many involving a lot of hard drinking and gambling, especially out in the sticks. And especially if the departed “enjoyed a good innings” as British people like to say.

 

The common expression for a funeral in Thai is “ngaan sop”, the two component words meaning roughly “event” and directly, “corpse”. The latter word shows how Thais are far more attuned to death than most westerners who love to slather someone’s “passing” in euphemisms. 

 

My first Thai girlfriend who wanted to explain “ngaan sop” to me and didn’t know the word funeral went for the charming and direct translation of “party dead”. That summed it up neatly.

 

People are dead, not passed, and shouldn’t it be a celebration too?

 

I will never forget the death of a very close mid-thirties Scottish friend who very sadly succumbed to cancer in 2001. The Saturday before, his prognosis had seemed hopeful and we had happily watched Wimbledon together in his room at Bumrungrad.

 

A couple of days later he was dead and on the next Saturday myself and many friends trooped off to a temple in Bang Mot where we were greeted by the unbelievable sight of our pal lying on a slab dressed in a suit, something all the more incongruous to us because we never saw him at work.

 

We expected him to be nailed down already in a coffin.

 

His Thai wife beckoned me forward and we kneeled together respectfully by Mike's body. She said calmly that if there was any reason to harbour any bad feelings towards my friend and her husband, we could wash them away by bathing his hand that she then stretched out for this purpose. 

 

It was incredibly moving and a poignant and unforgettable way to say goodbye to a dear friend. It provided a profound sense of closure. I keep some of his ashes in a place of honor in my condo to this day. 

 

A reminder of a special guy, and a reminder to live each day to the fullest.

 

As always the week on ASEAN NOW was a brilliant mixture of the touching, the absurd and the utterly predictable, reminding those of us lucky enough to live in the kingdom why we are here and why so many are doing a PhD in “Thailand Pass Studies” just to visit!

 

At Suwannaphum (my spelling) customs caught two young Pakistanis trying to traverse the Green Lane with more than 30 kilos of heroin and ketamine worth 95 million baht in instant tea sachets in their luggage. For this the hapless mules were paid the princely sum of 20,000 baht each.

 

This brought to mind Oscar Wilde in America and I paraphrase: 

 

“We have nothing to declare but our stupidity”. 

 

The latest NIDA poll suggested that half of the Thai population never watch porn. Rooster extrapolated this to mean that half do. If only half admit such mischief to a pollster then the real figure is probably 90%. 

 

The two facedness about porn is one of the cornerstones of Thai culture - similar to the denial of prostitution. I never, ever watch it and of course never would…….if you get my drift.

 

In crime news in Kanchanaburi a 50 something woman fainted when reporters pressed her for information following the shooting of a 27 year old man who had been sitting beside her in a pick-up stopped at the lights - as well she might.

 

It emerged that the shooter who emptied his 9mm 11 times into her friend after chasing him on his bike to a nearby parking lot was in fact her own 29 year old son who was annoyed about the affair his mum was having with the younger guy who was a farmer from Phetchabun. 

 

I wonder if she’ll forgive her little boy or take him some sweeties in the clink.

 

The shooter might do as much time as Ferrari Joe who the RTP are hanging out to dry after his shenanigans in Nakhon Sawan a couple of months back. Chief Suwat said on Monday that he expects “Chief Joe” to be drummed out of the force. No way Jose!

 

Surely wrapping someone’s head in multiple layers of plastic, thereby murdering them, in an effort to get millions more baht to add to your paltry 600 million in cars, deserves a second chance. 

 

Where is your sense of fair play Gen Suwat?  Or are all the inactive posts filled?

 

A grim case of extortion and sex emerged after a mobile phone trader filmed two teens in the toilets having ‘relations’ (there’s my Blighty euphemisms kicking in…)

 

He soon blackmailed the pair and after the boy went to get 5,000 at the ATM forced the 16 year old girl in school uniform to pleasure him in his CRV.

 

He denied everything as the proverbial “investigations continued”.

 

Tourism minister Pipat Ratchakitprakan made his second sensible comment in as many weeks. He really should be careful as this could make him stand out like a sore thumb in the cabinet.

 

This time he said that the 2 pm to 5 pm alcohol ban in Thailand was unfathomable and he called for a repeal of the law. To promote tourism, you understand.

 

Posters on the forum tried to recall which puritanical minister in the Thaksin era brought in these daft rules.

 

They were originally designed to stop school kids having a tipple after school; that’s cruel, children need something strong after suffering rote learning in Thai school all day. 

 

Things got worse when the ban was extended to 7-Elevens, supermarkets and restaurants in the afternoon and 24 hours in gas stations. Ostensibly to stop people from drunk driving. 

 

Some countries around the world have laws and an entity called the police force that enforces them when it comes to DUI. Here in Thailand the issue is still treated with the most childish of kid gloves.

 

This was exemplified as the DLT proudly rolled out their demerit points system on Wednesday for taxi, bus, tuk-tuk, and motorcycle taxi drivers as well as truckers. 

 

They all get 100 lovely points and to go to zero you’d have to get plastered several times, refuse to pick up anyone at all, leave the meter off 24/7 and generally behave more obnoxiously than Anutin, if that is possible. Even then you can top up the points by sleeping through a bit of “training”.

 

What the translator didn’t mention was the way that drivers could go to zero from 100 in one fell swoop:

 

“By damaging the reputation or image of Thailand”.

 

Such a misdemeanour, tantamount to treason, was clearly high up in the minds of immigration and other officials who shut the door on government critic Yan Marchal for being a “threat to national security”. 

 

Readers will recall the Frenchman’s rather pithy song in Thai in 2019 mocking our leader who art in khaki, hollow be thy name, for attempting to return happiness to the people. Subsequently he garnered 600,000 followers on Twitter exceeding the “head above the parapet half million mark”....

 

Onliners had a field day pointing out that now he is heading out of the country he is really free to put his oar in! While one poster who shall remain nameless tickled me pink with an observation aimed at the government:

 

“A threat to security? - more like a threat to their ego”.

 

In lurgy news the emergence at the end of the previous week of the new Omicron variant had the Thais scurrying, as is their wont.

 

Inevitably the widely praised decision to replace onerous and expensive RT-PCR tests with easy and cheap ATK swabs was reversed amid the hysteria of “expecting the worst”. 

 

OK, this may prove sensible but Rooster like millions of others could see what was coming when governments the world over started reacting to the new strain. 

 

As something of a wordsmith intimately familiar with the Greek alphabet because of Scrabble, I was intrigued by the WHO’s reasoning behind jumping over XI and NU - the former because it’s a familiar name (even a president who ought not to be offended) and the latter because it sounds like “New” and could be confusing.

 

Earlier in the pandemic I pointed out that an anagram of CORONAVIRUS was CARNIVOROUS. 

 

The latest variant is even more meaty. 

 

It’s anagram is MORONIC, conspiracy theorists take note.

 

Down in Pattaya a heavily tattooed Thai with the nickname “Duck Striped Face” was arrested and admitted robbing a female Russian tourist because he needed alcohol and drugs. 

 

ASEAN NOW’s staple of crime at “the resort” has tapered off during the pandemic despite the fact that whenever we report on crime posters say it is increasing because of the desperation of the people. 

 

I could be wrong but I’d say if our forum is anything to go by there has been less street crime like snatch theft and robbery in the pandemic. Maybe more problems online.

 

In other news Central Group announced they were buying the famous British department store Selfridges while a fire on the eighth floor of Central World in downtown Bangkok killed several employees.

 

Finally, in the rush to worry about “omicron” and coronavirus we should not forget other diseases that affect millions worldwide.

 

One such virus is HIV and the WHO noted the continuing fight to raise awareness and stop stigma as World Aids Day was marked on December 1st.

 

These days antiretroviral treatment means that tens of millions of HIV-ers around the world live normal lives and normal lifespans. Indeed those with what is called undetectable viral loads are not even infectious. But not everybody has access to treatment and deep seated prejudice and misinformation - ring any bells? - remains.

 

Estimates vary but at least 600,000 to 700,000 HIV+ folk are in Thailand.

 

Great strides have been made by many in Thailand both in the medical and pharmaceutical sectors and society in general but discrimination still exists.

 

Suthep Ou-oun of a parliamentary labor affairs committee said on World Aids Day that discrimination against people illegally being made to prove they are HIV negative before getting jobs - and being denied employment if they test positive - still exists in Thailand. 

 

He said that this needs to end now.

 

I second that and call for all people to work together to reduce inequalities, end stigma and get life saving treatment for all.

 

I also call for anybody - male or female - who might have got the virus to have a test. Knowing your status is far, far better than ignorance.

 

Don’t get carried away by Covid-19. Yes, it’s serious and “in vogue” but there are other conditions that persist and safeguards to take. 

 

Like wearing condoms or insisting on their use and looking right, left then right again when crossing the road.

 

Rooster

 

 

  

 

 

One of my favorite memories of travelling with Thais were almost annual trips to Las Vegas. 

 

Our party was always in the States to play in the National Scrabble Championships that were held throughout that vast nation.

 

We’d arrive in LA then be driven by van through the Nevada desert to Vegas, the way lit in later years by the circling beam atop the Luxor Hotel and Casino. Kind of beckoning the unwary.

 

Several in our group wanted to have a little flutter before the word gaming began in New Orleans, Dallas or San Diego.

 

Chief of these was a  gorgeous Thai man who started the Scrabble scene in Thailand and who became my closest personal friend before his untimely death in 2017. 

 

On one occasion we went to check-in at the main desk of the Treasure Island Hotel and were quickly ushered into an ornate side room where there was free champagne and strawberries covered in Belgian chocolate. 

 

Due to the high rollers in our party everything about our stay - even for the non-gamblers among us was fully comped or free. The room, the food, the whole lot. 

 

My friend had me play some hands on his behalf at the “Pai Kow” poker table - thousands of dollars changed hands at the turn of each card. I enjoyed myself but it wasn’t my money.

 

I’d play then go and eat free cheesecake and watch horse racing from around the world while getting drunk for nothing. 

 

Las Vegas for me was like one of the seven wonders of the world especially as I loved betting. But, not unreasonably, I’d always thought casino games were too stacked against the punter. 

 

I preferred horses though I never made any money in the long run. 

 

In Vegas it was amazing to see the panoply of people that traversed the Boulevard, visiting the incredible hotels and attractions. Go to shows like Siegfried and Roy and Cirque du Soleil.

 

That’s if you could get out of the airport - the only one I’d ever been to that had hundreds of slot machines on the concourse!

 

When we’d finished two or three nights in Vegas we moved on to play Scrabble for a measly $25,000 top prize none of us ever won. Far more was dropped by my buddies in Vegas.

 

My very first trip to Asia was a baptism of fire especially in understanding the Asian love of gambling. 

 

I was on a stopover at the Philippines Village Hotel in Manila. I never saw Makati - I spent the entire time in the casino marvelling at people I imagined were Filipinos but were probably Chinese. 

 

In Australia at the races it always seemed to be Asian looking people putting on the big bucks. 

 

I read that when famed jockey Lester Piggott rode in Hong Kong one regular afternoon the betting turnover was more than that year’s Grand National in England, my homeland’s biggest gamble. 

 

Years later I witnessed this for myself at Shatin when the biggest crowd in the history of Hong Kong racing gathered at Chinese New Year. 

 

I was the leader of a school trip - we’d packed the kids off to do a version of The Amazing Race so we could go to the amazing races!

 

Coming to Bangkok in the 1980’s it was clear that the Thais - almost to a man and certainly a woman - loved gambling.

 

But perplexing that there seemed, at least on the surface, so few opportunities to bet. There was horse racing at Nang Lerng and the RBSC tracks and the national lottery, but little else. 

 

Or so I thought. My first girlfriend was arrested at a house and had to pay 1,500 baht in fines for playing cards. This was a large sum at the time.

 

Thereafter there was a big scandal in the Japanese community in which I taught English after a group of Sukhumvit housewives were arrested playing Mahjong. 

 

The penny was gradually dropping about gambling in Thailand. It was rife and everywhere and the Thais were wild about wagering!

 

These days illegal casinos - so I am told - exist everywhere. In addition Thais these days are obsessed with online gambling particularly on casino games and foreign football. 

 

Betting is a part of weddings and even funerals. I suppose you have got to enjoy yourselves at such occasions…..

 

Yet a strange relationship exists around the subject - not unlike many people’s interaction with the Buddhist religion or prostitution.

 

Many know it goes on, even take part themselves, but love to blame it in public for society’s ills. 

 

It’s the ultimate in two-facedness and used by those who profit from the trade as cover. 

 

The week on ASEAN NOW started with an announcement that MPs were going to debate opening a legal casino in Thailand. Then one MP proposed that an “entertainment complex”, complete with a luxury hotel, shopping, race track and theme park could be opened in Hua Hin to promote tourism. 

 

The subject of a legal casino is one of the hottest of hot potatoes in Thailand and has been raised every year since Somchai and Bunkerd bet on which fly would depart the Som Tam first.

 

The result of the debates is always the same and probably always will be. The proposals flounder and are then forgotten until the next time when the cycle goes on. 

 

Politicians and police always hide behind the societal ills that could result (as if they don’t exist already!). In fact one Maj-Gen burbled on about penury, prison misery before it was even raised in the House.

 

The reason for this is that casinos are everywhere. They exist with the connivance of the local police who profit by them either directly as owners or in “look the other way” bribes. Politicians are more likely to be the owners of what Thais call “bons”. 

 

And this is why nothing will change. The very people who might change the law are those who could lose out. The very people who supposedly enforce the law would also be out of pocket. 

 

Thailand won’t be opening a legal casino any time soon unless someone comes to power who is willing to take on the mafia in brown or the mafia that sits in judgment.

 

You can bet on that!

 

The House debate took place on Thursday and Daily News reported that there was consensus that it was a good idea. ASEAN NOW said the idea was gaining traction.

 

That will look like the case until the friction kicks in along with inertia. 

 

So what was accomplished on Thursday? They set up an “extraordinary committee” to look into the matter. 

 

The only extraordinary thing is that they bothered rather than simply quitting the house early and going to one of the dozens of illegal casinos in the Thai capital that already exist.

 

In lurgy news it was another busy week. The CCSA managed to blame foreigners for not wearing masks then in the same breath balanced this with castigating hotels for fleecing the tourists with sharp practices. 

 

It was almost comforting that Thailand was getting back to normal.

 

ASEAN NOW started a series of “Covid Tales” after a request was made for your stories about trying to get into Thailand and getting vaxxed.

 

One that caught my eye was a 78 year old man in the north who implored people to get vaccinated with any vaccine rather than wait for Moderna.

 

Many on the forum have revealed themselves as little more than vaccine snobs in rejecting free offers for Sinovac and AstraZeneca so they can pay 3,100 baht for Moderna. As the poster pointed out in reference to a story about a friend, it was better to get any protection as quickly as you could, especially if old or infirm.

 

The same point was made by health minister Anutin who seemed almost sensible until he started ranting again about illegal nightclubs spreading the virus and having been responsible for the misery of the last 6 months. Inevitably he praised his lord and master Uncle Too and looked a bit silly, not least for the fact that several government ministers were in the Thong Lo member clubs and elsewhere back in April and the absurd decision to hold a free-for-all Songkran proved disastrous. 

 

Now that nearly 100 million doses of vaccine have been administered - and more donations continue to arrive - the health minister and his cronies think we will forget and forgive his mistakes. We won’t.

 

Pathumwan plod raided restaurants serving alcohol in Central World. Thirty of them managed to find a glass of beer on the table. 

 

A couple of managers took the fall for the “War Against Booze”. Drinkers have been the main targets in more face-saving, scapegoat hunting distractions perpetrated by the authorities to mask their inadequacies. 

 

Earlier the minister said he was determined to find the “missing 10 million” who were either hesitant to get vaxxed or who had been unable to. 

 

Better news followed later in the week when it emerged that the onerous RT-PCR test for foreign arrivals would be replaced soon by a simple ATK swab. How this will be done - and how the authorities will profit by it - has yet to be decided. 

 

The Association of Thai Travel Agents even called for the 500 baht tourism fee not to be levied just yet. They understand as every poster worth his salt on the forum did months ago that levying such a fee right now was a very bad look.

 

Then annoying transport minister Saksayam was jumping up and down saying that the reopening of Thailand was a great success as 100,000 had come in just 25 days. Anutin completed the madness by burbling that December 1st would see more easing, if only we are all good, little compliant children.

 

In print media the RTP admitted (and then denied) that they think Red Bull Boss is living in Austria. It makes no odds, they are completely unable to do anything about him especially with the Yoovidhya family giving them the finger. 

 

More government cock-ups were revealed when AirAsia suspended flights from Hua Hin to Chiang Mai and back. The timing of runway improvements were at the heart of this debacle.

 

In “Poll News” we were told - yet again - what we all knew. That about half of all Thai kids are brought up by their grandparents. I know it’s an economic necessity for millions but I really wish that parents who can’t look after their kids just don't have any. It’s unfair on the elderly and unfair on the children. 

 

The story produced the standard attacks on Thai parenting in general and boys and Thai men in particular. Some on the forum have clearly only met women in bars and base their opinions of Thai males on their pimps. Rooster had such prejudices for a while until I started meeting more Thai men. I suggest some forum posters would benefit by doing likewise.

 

As always, the mood was lightened by several stories that reminded us why we love Thailand and have made it our home. 

 

These included an ad from a mattress company for a committed sleeper who could earn 35K a month if “lethargy was their strong point” and they had a “passion for sleeping”. Candidates could be found on any bus in the heat of the day.

 

Even more dosh - 90,000 baht - was offered for a buffet dishwasher though the cheeky ad was really one for a contractor to hire seven or eight people. 

 

On Thursday a Khanom Tokyo seller in Chiang Mai who - shock horror - sold her wares without wearing a bra, was visited by the cops and the culture vultures. 

 

The former showed her how to cook the books while the latter advised more decorum when it comes to cleavage. 

 

In Prachinburi a Portuguese man trying to reconcile with his Thai girlfriend jumped on the hood of a ladyboy’s pick-up and was driven halfway down the road.

 

Finally, best picture of the week was a group of senior police “graaping” and  returning 63 million baht in cash to an abbot who’d been embezzled. 

 

As Thailand journo legend Bernard Trink was wont to remark:

 

Any comment would be superfluous. 

 

Rooster

 

 

 

All of our lives have been so disrupted over the last couple of years that most of us are understandably desperate to get back to normal. Not the ghastly “New Normal” the authorities and us journos try to push down your throats. The old normal - our old 2019 lives - when little did we know, we were freer and happier than we thought. When we innocently couldn’t imagine what the next few years would hold in store. 

 

For this columnist getting back to normal is a subject of even greater poignancy following the near drowning of my eight year old daughter earlier this month. I was craving hearing the normality of two kids arguing, witnessing a mother scolding them for not doing this or that. Having something as simple as a bedtime hug or taking them out for a Happy Meal. 

 

Were I not a devout atheist my prayers would have been answered on Tuesday. After four days in ICU and eight on a communal ward my wife and child returned to my Ratchayothin roost. Within two days my daughter was jumping off a jetty into a lake, going off on a paddle board as if it was the easiest thing in the world. Mrs R brilliantly resisted the temptation to fuss. A close friend who has a precious daughter of his own struggled to hold back tears. Tears of joy this time. We all marvelled at the resilience of children. 

 

As my little one surfaced after diving into the depths, I returned her smile and kissed her on the forehead. Wondering how I would put my overwhelming feelings into words. 

 

I guess I just did.

 

Normal was starting to come back and that’s all we wanted.

 

Normal this week was Rooster back reading and translating the Thai news for ASEAN NOW. Normal was the usual array of characters that make up the motley crew of jokers otherwise known as politicians, tourism officials and doctors; Prayut, Anutin, Yutthasak and co. all vied for attention, clicks and laughs!

 

Most disconcerting given my recent experience was Prayut who gave what the press described as a “strange speech” in Krabi. Hesitant to click but feeling duty bound I did.

 

It was like a screen had appeared instead of a mirror in the bedroom wardrobe. Yikes! It was like Prayut was some Phee Chai (Big Brother) and I was Winston Smith. He seemed to know more about me than I did. 

 

(Well he did famously say years ago that he’d read Animal Farm, though he thought it was a manual about raising pigs).

 

“Kids must be able to swim”, he advised.

 

Er, yes General, I mean, sir. Swimming very important, sir, thought a flustered Rooster.

 

“Kids must be able to speak two languages”  another edict followed.

 

Yessir, English and Thai, reading and writing too, we’re doing our best.

 

“And you must exercise” boomed the all seeing PM from behind the monitor.

 

Yes indeed sir! I promise I’ll get back on the bike just as soon as I’ve had my bacon and eggs and three pieces of fried bread, oh master.

 

Seriously, the content of these messages didn’t seem weird to me. More like practical good sense. 

 

Though the PM’s claim that being able to swim means no danger from drowning should come with a Rooster caveat after recent events; my kid caught her long hair in a suction pipe.  

 

Health minister Anutin’s normal message was anything but. He sounded like a normal human being, itself very abnormal.

 

His measured and sensible interview with Daily News about the unvaccinated facing restrictions in everyday life and possibly not being able to do certain jobs smacked of thoughtfulness rather than his usual off-the-cuff bombast. 

 

As several posters on the forum pointed out, the anti-vaxxers who insisted on going out during the height of the pandemic may soon find that they are thoroughly restricted in post-lurgy times.

 

Quite frankly they should be. It is incumbent on everyone in a responsible society to act in a way for the greater good. If you are not medically exempt, get jabbed. Save yourself and help others. Arguments against vaccination are absurd, like climate change deniers. 

 

Renounce, renounce! It’s been proven that the earth is not flat, buddy!

 

Anutin spoke of human rights (no one is forced to have a vaccine of course), of the rights of employers to protect their staff and other customers. Of business owners to serve who they bloomin’ well please. 

 

He even compared his own difficulties in being effectively barred from Switzerland to make a valid point about being properly vaxxed - or else. 

 

Fair play to him this week. 

 

TAT chief Yutthasak’s appearance reminded me of Marlon Brando in The Godfather talking about reading the “Funny Papers”. After a break he was back spouting his crystal ballpark figures of 18 million tourists next year spending a trillion baht.

 

Here at ASEAN NOW we have to thank dear Khun Yutthasak. He’s given us more than our fair share of stories. I beg the powers that be not to replace him. We love him! Even though he is more barking than a Pit Bull tearing a three year old apart in the soi.

 

Maybe we should make ASEAN NOW t-shirts emblazoned with “We Love You Yutthasak” - they might replace the Singha singlets in Pattaya given time. 

 

In related news the BBC’s Thai team stated the BO (bleedin’ obvious) in a story about tourism recovery based on an HSBC report.

 

The sector will not recover without the Chinese.

 

As much as the central kingdom bashers want Europeans and Americans to reinhabit the Thai earth, it ain’t going to happen in sufficient numbers folks.

 

When Mr Xi says go, go they will. 

 

Bucking this nonsense was an extremely popular piece based on the comments of Thanet Supharothatrangsi, the chief of the Chonburi tourism business association. 

 

He slammed the government for their rhetoric, said the only visitors since November 1st were returning expats with families and condos in Thailand, screamed about the nonsensical booze ban and criticized the ridiculous hurdles and hoops that tourists have to go through before they feel free in Thailand. 

 

Restrictions that are making even hellholes like Cambodia look appealing. 

 

Of course all this was just what people on our forum have been saying for yonks. But Thanet - ably assisted by Rooster’s use of English to translate his words - got 120 “likes” - a large amount for a long story.

 

Posters cried “At last a man with sense,” “We’ve been saying it all along, thanks for listening” and the inevitable “He could be in line for some attitude adjustment”.

 

Yutthasak responded by saying that Emirates airbuses would be bringing in 500 baying tourists a time, “Test and Go” was really rather spiffing and quality tourists were the panacea Thailand needs to return to the normal of 2019.

 

To round it off he started musing about the cool season coming quickly this year being auspicious for tourism. Reminiscent of tourism minister Pipat who said early last year that the Songkran winds would blow Covid away by April. 

 

How these two jokers have kept their jobs would be baffling until one appreciates how many other incompetents have kept theirs. 

 

Meanwhile, the Department of Land Transport raised their heads above the parapet to announce that a demerit points system for public vehicles - not just buses, but taxis, tuk-tuks and motorcycle riders - would help make their drivers safer and more polite.

 

They will get 100 points and if they go through a red light ten, twenty or thirty points will be scrubbed off. It was impossible to find out precisely how much. 

 

The DLT also said that suspensions could effectively be avoided, if they go down to “nil point”, by passing a few hours of training and getting 50 points back!

 

I’ve seen this training while getting a licence. It involves sleeping while a carnage-cum-nasty video plays on an old TV. 

 

The DLT’s approach is pathetically inadequate and over lenient. Thailand needs stricter rules, more severe fines and punishment and far greater enforcement to reverse decades of laissez-faire on the roads.

 

And it needs to be brought to bear on the wider public, not just the drivers of public vehicles. 

 

At the moment all these points being handed out are of the face saving variety.

 

The alcohol ban found predictable support in the shape of teetotal Prayut and Dr Wattanayingcharoenchai who Rooster said came out with a longer list of reasons to keep the bars shut than his surname!

 

Apparently it was something to do with the pharynx. I had to check that it was not a new spelling of Farangs, but no, he was talking about Covid germs wantonly speeding down the gullet highway of drinkers and merrily parking in the lungs. 

 

It was another bad week for Ferrari Joe who must be wishing he’d scarpered like Red Bull Boss when he had the chance. The death penalty was mentioned. That’s not going to happen, of course, but the sheer mention of the ultimate sanction - if it is indeed worse than a life in Thai clink - indicates that  Suwat and his RTP cronies are hanging the former chief of the Nakhon Sawan nick and his associates out to dry.

 

In grisly crime news, a despicable nanny and two others were charged with murder after attacking three year old Bas in Bang Khun Thian and dumping him still alive into a klong in Samut Prakan. Then a so-called father who was criticized for drinking rather than getting a phone for his two year old, unloaded his 9mm at his wife but missed killing his child with a bullet to the face. 

 

He turned the gun on himself but even messed that up and unfortunately lived.

 

Moves were made by an OnlyFans star to legalize porn in Thailand. This caused the culture minister Itthiphol Khunpluem to say that “culture is more important than personal freedom”. 

 

Twaddle. Especially coming from the mouth of someone from a family whose father thought nothing of having a rival shot dead. 

 

Finally, I’ve been congratulating myself in lockdown saving heaps of Rooster readies by making my own pizzas for 18 months. 

 

Predictably, this now seems like a false economy after I bit one of my rock hard crusts, cracked a molar and am facing a 30,000 baht dental implant.

 

Yes, I need to get back to normal.

 

Back to Pizza Hut.

 

Rooster

 

 

There’s no changing the past. We have our memories but the here and now and the future are what matters most. Regrets are largely pointless; moving on and learning from our mistakes are key. 

 

Such sentiments loomed large in the last week as my family began the recovery, both physical and psychological, from the trauma of the incident at the condo pool.

 

I recalled with some trepidation a time when having a family seemed like opting for a prison sentence - giving up the enjoyable recklessness of youth for the boring responsibilities of true adulthood.

 

It was 1986 and I was being tossed up and down in a tuk-tuk outside Lumpini Park trying to read a letter (yes, those things we used to get) from my Filipina ex-girlfriend in Sydney. We’d split up months earlier at New Year; I’d told her I loved Thailand more than her, or words to that effect. How nice....

 

As I scanned the words, what really registered was an inclusion in the letter. 

 

An ultrasound picture of a baby in the womb….

 

It was resolved later after many machinations that Charity (who had a twin sister Faith...there was no Hope) would visit with the now seven month old boy in June, 1987. 

 

The date was set as I excitedly prepared for their late night Don Muang arrival. Final preparation was with two mates over several stiff beverages at the infamous Thermae Coffee shop, where entry was by the toilets.

 

When the time came for my moment with destiny we all took off to the airport to meet mother and child from down under.

 

In the meantime, unbeknownst to me, one of my Japanese housewives had called my apartment to cancel her upcoming English lesson. The call was taken by my flatmate’s Thai girlfriend, home alone, whose English was just as bad as the student’s. She determined that this was in fact a call from Australia and that my Filipina was not coming to Bangkok after all.

 

The reality was the complete opposite.

 

On arrival at Don Muang I was paged and told to call home where my flatmate informed me that the ex and baby son were indeed not coming.

 

“Oh Joy!” - the three of us piled back into a taxi and returned to the Thermae where by means of celebration Rooster teamed up with a “JBC” as we used to call the desperate ladies wanting to be taken care of for the night.

 

This Juke Box Casualty was known to me as “Mrs Peacock” as she had a husband in the UK. Like the rest of us she had been listening to Murray Head’s “One Night in Bangkok” that was still all the rage. Though it was about Chess it had become a Bangkok anthem.

 

(Bargirls used to imagine the lyric “you’ll find a god in every golden cloister” was in fact “golden Kloster”...)

 

Off we all trooped in a tuk-tuk back to our apartment in Soi 39 where “yaam” (the name we all gave to the “gateman”) was wide-eyed in disbelief. 

 

These idiotic Englishmen had behave badly before but now this….

 

“Tham arai wa” (what the hell are you up to now). “Mia maa laew, mia maa laew, yuu khang bon ay...” - Your wife has arrived! She’s upstairs you numpty!

 

Barely able to comprehend this turn of events I sprinted up the stairs and opened the front door. On seeing a pram laden with nappies I slammed it shut in panic and belted off downstairs to pay off a bemused Mrs Peacock.

 

Charity and the baby - now seven months old - were still awake in my bedroom having been let in by the maid. 

 

She had arrived and finding me absent had been taken under the wing of some concerned construction workers who had given her a lift in their truck to downtown Bangkok. 

 

I’m afraid that after a three week holiday from hell I decided at age 25 that I was not ready for fatherhood. Her dad came to pick her up. A few days later her mum - The Wicked Witch of the Western Suburbs - telephoned to say that she had hired a hitman and I would be dead presently. 

 

I sat in the back of bars and restaurants for a while, keeping a close eye on the door. 

 

It was three more years before I married a Thai woman and several later when I had two children who I took responsibility for and cherished.

 

While this “night in Bangkok” was a monumental one in my life I often pondered what might have been if I’d been less of a jerk. But ultimately what is the point of regrets or recriminations? I made my choice and lived by it and the Filipina’s parents ultimately raised their grandson.

 

My thanks to the many posters who empathized and showed their support after the near death experience of my eight year old - a child of a subsequent marriage - who was saved by my wife with CPR after her long hair was caught in a swimming pool suction pipe at my condo on November 4th.

 

The news is great - she is making a full recovery after four nights in ICU. At the time of writing she is being looked after in a communal ward at the National Children’s Hospital by Mrs Rooster while I take care of our other daughter at home. 

 

We were lucky on so many levels. The condo management said they would pay our bills. These won’t be much - the private hospital - 30,000 baht a night for ICU - said the government would pay almost everything as it was an emergency. 

 

At the government hospital - where she was transferred due to the presence of a specialist in children’s lungs - she was covered by Bat Thong - universal health coverage. 

 

I took the precaution of filing a report of the incident with the Phahonyothin police who heard me out and did a professional job. I don’t intend to sue anybody.

 

I was shocked to see that there was a volunteer lawyer at a desk in a corner of the station. He said that my actions were all good so far.

 

The sign said that he was pro bono; I smiled thinking I didn’t care much for U2 myself.

 

Fortunately, we have all kept our sense of humor and the smiles of my once stricken daughter have replaced the tubes that kept her alive.

 

I took most of the week off work as a translator for ASEAN NOW though the following stories mostly from the last seven days and some before caught my beady eye:

 

PM Prayut enjoyed his moments hobnobbing with Boris and co at the Glasgow climate change conference COP26. 

 

He thought it was about policing until 2526 but I’m sure his advisors put him right and explained that not all emissions come from his mouth and the illegal burning of sugar cane fields.

 

He returned to Bangkok to hear that governor Aswin - another general - had predicted more PM 2.5 this year. 

 

Ah, another two and a half years at the helm, mused Prayut contentedly.

 

He was obliged to bark some orders before going to the mess (where officers eat, not the November 1st reopening of Thailand). These were to fix the “Thailand Pass” debacle, the latest IT project that wasn’t tested properly and resulted in predictable glitches. 

 

A tourism expert said that it’d be 2022 before leisure travellers returned to the kingdom, clearly articulating that most of those so far are returnees, as everyone knew.

 

Richard Barrow featured stories about several arrivals left in the lurch after testing positive for Covid on arrival in Thailand or being close to those with the lurgy.

 

Well, they took their chance and frankly there were only a few handfuls of such unfortunate cases probably covered by the mandatory insurance.

 

Meanwhile the TAT’s Yuthasak banged his drum about wanting “high value travellers”, 80% or airlines returned their high season airport slots and it was announced that Thailand was 18th in the world after vaxxing 80 million souls.

 

Apropos the Oxford English Dictionary announced their word of the year: It had to be VAX! They also mentioned “anti-vaxxer” and “double-vaxxed” as candidates and noted that the use of the word pandemic had rocketed 57,000%.

 

Rooster played his first Bangkok Scrabble tourney in a year the other week. We had a new dictionary to use after the wokes at Mattel demanded that 400 slurs were now to be deleted. These include ABO, HONKY and LEZ.

 

British Foreign Secretary Liz Truss arrived burbling about business and went to visit the Triumph Motorcycle factory. Hopefully the workers there cleaned up the oil spills from the leaking engines…..

 

Loy Krathong will be celebrated nationwide next Friday, November 19th. It will be interesting to see the crowds; my own trips to shops and Chatuchak weekend market post November 1st D-Day meant seeing large numbers of people out for the first time in a year and a half. 

 

There is a firework, lantern and Chinese cracker ban for Loy Krathong in Krung Thep. This always reminds me of my first LK at Chula in the 80’s when I was struck in the stomach by a rocket. And back to my primary school in London in the 60’s when all children took in a Roman Candle or Catherine Wheel in their satchels for the PTA display on November 5th. 

 

Times changed in the west and they still need to in Thailand and elsewhere when it comes to the peril posed by fireworks. 

 

In lighter news a village headman in Don Mod Daeng, Ubon, called the police after seeing a naked man loitering up against a wall. After Plod discovered it was a mannequin the village chief said he might need new glasses.

 

The same could be said for Rooster. 

 

After secretly congratulating myself for manfully acting as the head of the family in a crisis, being in charge and responsible in the wake of my daughter’s near tragedy, myself and my five year old wondered where on earth the TV remote had disappeared to. 

 

The backs of chairs and sofas were checked, under table areas were examined, upstairs at the duplex, in bathrooms, cupboards opened. Everywhere. No luck.

 

Baffled and panicked that I might not be able to switch from one EPL match to another, the riddle was finally solved in the kitchen area.

 

The True remote was found covered by paper and slathered in discarded food in the deep recesses of the rubbish bin.

 

Yes, I’m completely in control.

 

Rooster

 

Rooster’s daughter update: Happy news but let’s all enhance Thailand’s  safety with positive engagement

 

ASEAN NOW’s Sunday columnist - a long time British resident of Thailand - highlights the issue of swimming pool and other safety matters in the kingdom.

 

Firstly, my heartfelt thanks to the large number of posters who offered their support to me and my family in the wake of the serious incident at my condo pool last week that I wrote about in "The Week That Was" column. Your concern was touching and many comments showed how this had affected members in a very personal way. 

 

Full story: https://aseannow.com/topic/1238660-rooster’s-daughter-update-happy-news-but-let’s-all-enhance-thailand’s -safety-with-positive-engagement/

 

ASEAN NOW’s Sunday columnist - a long time British resident of Thailand - highlights the issue of swimming pool and other safety matters in the kingdom.

 

Firstly, my heartfelt thanks to the large number of posters who offered their support to me and my family in the wake of the serious incident at my condo pool last week that I wrote about in "The Week That Was" column. Your concern was touching and many comments showed how this had affected members in a very personal way. 

 

There is excellent news. My eight year old daughter was taken off assisted breathing on Monday morning at the National Children’s Hospital, is now out of ICU and with her mum 24/7 in a communal ward. Covid restrictions mean I and my younger daughter can’t visit but we have been overjoyed by video calls. My daughter is tired but speaking lucidly, cuddling mum and teddy and can’t wait to get back home. We count ourselves lucky as everyone continues the road to fuller recovery.

 

On Thursday the little girl caught her hair in the suction drain of the children’s section of our condo pool, just 40 cms deep. My wife was sitting only meters away and, after being alerted by my five year old to the fact that her sister had been under the water for a while, heroically sprung into action performing CPR and saving our child’s life. Brilliant medical services have done the rest.

 

I would very much like what happened to be a catalyst for enhanced pool safety and other safety issues in Thailand and today I’m highlighting some key points and encouraging some initial, practical measures everyone can take.

 

My daughter's long hair became entangled in the drain. Of all worldwide entrapment issues - such as hair and limbs of both adults and children in public and private pools - about one quarter involve children’s hair.

 

In California, for example, legislation was enacted in 2007 that has vastly increased safety by better design, fittings and awareness. People should not wait for law changes in Thailand, though. Grassroots action can prompt improvement.

 

People who have their own pools and residents of condominiums and housing projects that have pools should be checking their own facilities. If you lack expertise or don’t feel confident ask for help.

 

Suction pipes should have proper covers with cracked or faulty covers replaced. The amount of pressure used should be monitored if possible. In our case the pressure seemed to have increased after a refurbishment and repair that took several rainy-season months.

 

The pool looked great but a hidden danger lurked beneath that nearly took the life of my child.

 

Most condo pools have those standard ten “Do’s and Don’t’s” signs. No food, parents must be there, wear a costume, shower before entering.

 

Juristic persons should be encouraged to amend these with warnings about possible entrapment especially regarding long hair. For example they might advise hair to be tied back or for children to wear caps.

 

And maybe not just children; my wife reported that the suction in this case was so powerful that an adult may have been unable to free themselves.

 

Condos may also like to consider installing cut-out devices that cost about $500 that detect a change in pressure and switch down systems automatically when a problem is detected.

 

Parents should be aware that poolside vigilance of children is not a simple matter. My wife took it very seriously (she wouldn’t have dreamed of having a phone, for example) - I was an inspector of international school trips for 15 years and demanded that. Yet it still happened.

 

Observers need to maintain what is called line of sight at all times. Pool tragedies occur in the blink of an eye and cause a lifetime of regret. 

 

Also bear in mind that death from drowning is nearly always silent. This is counter-intuitive as we imagine thrashing of limbs during death throes as people fight for air. 

 

No. Adults and children invariably slip or are already under the water. There’s no noise; while you’re smiling and enjoying a happy conversation and proud to be present and looking after your child they may be turning blue and already unconscious near your feet.

 

Online forums - and ASEAN NOW is no exception - often feature endless criticism about safety issues in Thailand but little practical action to improve things. I believe in being proactive and engaging with companies and organizations to improve safety.

 

When businesses accept that their bottom line is actually improved by spending money on safety, action follows.

 

Condos might sell more units or hotels attract more guests by highlighting that they go beyond recommendations, for example. Outdoor education companies find their clientele increase and stay loyal.

 

It is also important that one incident does not detract from existing problems in other areas. As Expeditions’ Coordinator when I gave briefings for parents at my school ahead of residential visits, I always reminded them that while I took rock-climbing or abseiling safety very seriously, it was the pool that represented the greatest danger - or for very young children in rooms alone for the first time plugs and electrical fittings. 

 

Or the journey to the resort, lest we forget the dangers on the roads! Reputable companies with rested drivers were monitored and bus transport was never undertaken at night, for example. 

 

In the wake of the 2004 Asian Tsunami everyone was obsessed by the threat from the sea. I cautioned not to underestimate perennial dangers right under your nose, overlooking the obvious after a trauma induced by the exceptional.

 

Such matters as stairs and easily accessible sharp or swallowable objects around babies, low balconies and unlocked gates - seemingly obvious things - all fall into this category amid many others. Not to mention helmets and car-seats.

 

I’m a great believer in allowing our children to not be in cotton wool - to be allowed to develop and fly. We need to be vigilant and focus on what matters and educate them to clear and present danger. Not scare them but inform and focus their minds as they develop.

 

So please engage with Thai people in encouraging safety. Forget the stupid trolling of onliners who talk about “life being cheap in the third world”. Thais care about the safety of themselves and their children as much as the next nationality - education about the dangers and consequences of inaction or poor behaviour are what matter.

 

As a foreigner don’t be shy about “interferring in THEIR country”. They will appreciate your concern especially if it is done sensitively and not from a “we know best” angle. 

 

Don’t expect EU or US standards to be met overnight. Those areas of the world, for example, took decades to enhance safety and it continues even there. Striving to achieve the best world standards is what matters. 

 

I used to tell my worried, hi-so parents about to be parted from their precious children, that we aimed to exceed the standards mentioned under Thai law, and work towards achieving what is normal practice in more developed countries gradually, by adopting practical engagement.

 

Finally, everyone should be learning CPR - including the latest accepted techniques. Attending a good course is great but it could just be looking at some YouTube videos. 

 

My wife knew what to do. Had she not we may have been watching the smoke rising from the temple crematorium by now rather than making merit in thanks for avoiding tragedy.

 

Learn and teach the Heimlich Maneuver used to expel trapped food. But bear in mind that advice changes and better techniques are developed in time. Both CPR and Heimlich advice has changed this century - update yourself and improve your chances of being a hero rather than a grieving parent.  

 

Insist on proper life jackets worn during water travel and even at the water’s edge . Even if people can swim. 

 

Remember that pool tragedies often occur with diving injuries resulting in collisions with pool edges or pool bottoms. Be aware of depths.

 

Above all, teach your child to swim. Any parent can do it from just a few months of a child's age; seek advice on the best way you can help your child or Thais around you who might be reticent.

 

Remember that drowning rivals motorcycle accidents as the leading cause of child death in Thailand.

 

But never forget that even if you or your child CAN swim, danger lurks wherever there is water. 

 

And perhaps ponder that even with all my experience and cocksure awareness:

 

That tragedy nearly visited my beloved family.

 

Rooster

 

 

There have been many threads on the ASEAN NOW forum in recent years, especially during the pandemic, about leaving Thailand. A malaise has set in among many foreigners, a dissatisfaction with many citing petty bureaucracy, an uneasy feeling of being unwelcome, notions that Thailand is not what it was, not what they remembered years ago. 

 

And it’s not just people who have arrived and tried to make the kingdom their home, not just people getting older and missing their youth. International forums are full of Thais who, if they could, would like to up sticks and seek pastures new. 

 

Rooster is not one of them. Yes, the pandemic has been unsettling and yes, I’ve just turned 60, a time when the tendency to take stock and perhaps reassess life choices might lead to restlessness. But I’ve been there and done it; mistakenly thought the grass was greener elsewhere.

 

But it was a sham, astro-turf no less! Expensive, and needed replacing quicker than turf ever would!

 

Above all I realized that no matter what you are going through you remain the same person. You take yourself with you and there is nowhere to hide.

 

It was back in 1987 and I’d been quite happy in Thailand settling into the first couple of years of what seemed like a residence without end. I’d been playing the field and the current girlfriend, Nui from Ranong, was pleasant enough and no more neurotic than other Thai women of my acquaintance. All seemed fine.

 

Then she mentioned the Big C word. That moment when you know your casual complacency about life was coming crashing down.

 

Commitment.

 

She wanted commitment. Yikes, that was scary.

 

I was still 25 - an age Thais call “benjaphaet”, when many believe that something decisive, life-changing, is bound to happen.

 

Not if I could help it. I feigned acquiescence but my immaturity - not to mention rampant infidelity! - spoke otherwise. Nui could smell it a mile off. This farang was not for turning.

 

Perhaps it was for the best. Disconcertingly, she kept a gun under her bed……

 

We split up and I tried to move on, something that should never be difficult for the young in Thailand. Until I discovered through the grapevine that she’d hooked up with another guy. Another Londoner. No problem, until it was revealed that he worked in….wait for it….

 

The British Embassy.

 

Following an irksome event in Malaysia when an embassy official  refused to sanction the stamping of the observation page in my full passport potentially causing me a considerable loss of time and money, the British foreign office, in all their myriad guises everywhere, had become my mortal, sworn enemy. 

 

That remains to this day….not that I hold a grudge….

 

Nui planned to fly off to Blighty, learn English and have babies with “John at the Embassy”. I begged her to reconsider, she was killing me, I’d commit, anything! Don’t leave me this way!

 

The upshot was that she got a visa, easily of course, and then had the temerity to move to Eltham, painfully near my Beckenham hometown. It was like she was taunting me!

 

This pathetic and totally ridiculous upset had me blaming Thailand. I couldn’t get it out of my head. I decided to emigrate.

 

But where? I looked at the world map. Australia? Been there done that; besides the gun-toting parents of a Sydney-based Filipina I’d deserted wanted to kill me.

 

There really was only one possibility for a football loving, pleasure seeking hedonist.

 

It had to be Brazil. It also was spectacularly far away, far from all my bitter disappointment.

 

I immediately embarked on my task with Rooster practicality. I spotted some classified ads in a London newspaper called Loot that a friend visiting Bangkok had brought.

 

Pen friends in Brazil. 

 

There were hundreds of them. Nearly all women in Rio and Sao Paulo. Doubtless all desperate to meet a young Englishman.

 

Aerograms purchased, snapshots of me posing handsomely taken. I contacted twenty and for the next six months wrote back and forth to 13 young Brazilian women. I was feeling excited again.

 

Thailand was yesterday, Brazil was tomorrow!

 

I left Bangkok before Songkran, going on one final Patpong, Cowboy bender. It ended early. I was saving up for Copacabana!

 

I flew to London. I managed to track down Nui, met her on a bus and said some very unpleasant things. It was bridge burning time, you see.

 

After some incredible luck with a 14-1 shot at Lingfield I paid for my Blighty sojourn and boarded KLM via Amsterdam to Rio. Smiling as the Heathrow runway receded and the Brave New World beckoned. 

 

With all my worldly possessions balanced precariously on my trolley I surveyed the concourse looking for the beautiful lawyer’s daughter, a penfriend, who had promised to meet me. 

 

Suddenly three stunning women rushed forward. The lawyer’s daughter, Sophia, introduced them as Francesca and Antonia. I tried to “wai” but was engulfed in hugs. Smothered in four kisses, at least, on each cheek. All the teenage angst from kissing French relatives on family holidays returned. This was culture shock South American-style. 

 

It would have been churlish to miss Thailand already so I put on a brave face. Sophia whisked me off to a hotel in her sports car. Brazil started to grow on me. 

 

We visited the famed beaches of Copacabana and Ipanema. But it was disconcerting that she told me to take off my watch and hide it in the car. She warned about rampant crime everywhere in her city.

 

This had never occured to me in safe old Bangkok. Every bus had an armed policeman on it. Japanese tourists didn’t have cameras. The papers were full of mayhem and murder.

 

“Whatever you do don’t go to the favelas”, warned Sophia after I said I needed to find my feet alone. 

 

I waved her off and promptly found a place that resembled the Thermae in Bangkok. Rio’s version of Portuguese seemed impossible - I wanted to explain myself in Thai that I already spoke quite well - when a lady with a butterfly on her left breast addressed me in English.

 

“Ah good,” she said. “Fresh meat.”

 

I was chopped up and spat out and relieved of thousands of cruzados that had recently replaced the cruzeiro. I wondered why there was one of the former to 1,000 of the latter. 

 

It soon dawned. Brazil was in the grip of not just inflation but hyperinflation. 

 

When you went to a “cambio” you bargained up for your dollars, they bargained down. The rate changed massively every day. A six pack of beer at the supermarket tripled in price overnight. 

 

Oh! How I wished I’d bought yesterday - until I saw how much the cambio rate was rocketing.

 

Geez I was raw! I went to the races and it said 2000 above the turnstile. I handed over 2000 cruzados thinking it rather expensive. The lady called me back to return 1,980 cruzados. It was 20, I’d missed the decimal point. 

 

The language barrier was immense so I didn’t bet. Before the last race I caught a bus and ended up in a favela (shantytown). Fearing certain death I located a taxi and tried to head back to the center. My hotel was unpronounceable but it was opposite the Roxy Cinema so I gave that as my destination.

 

“Que?” (If that’s Spanish I apologise to Brazilians). “Roxy Cinema?” “Que?”...”Roxee cinema,” I ventured trying a Thai style falling intonation on the word for clarity.

 

“Que?”  

 

With panic setting in as the drug cartels sniffed out a loaded tourist, I tried again. “O cinema Roxy”.

 

The driver finally nodded and smiled. “O cinema hoccchhhy,” he confirmed. “Khrapom,” I said, forgetting myself in my relief.

 

After that I stayed in mostly, watching football from the Maracana on TV. When a goal went in I’d see how many “O’s”  I could write while the commentator celebrated. “Gooooooooooooooool,” and some. 

 

I got a job teaching English that paid about a quarter of Bangkok rates. Doubts about my new homeland had been creeping in. Now they were getting cemented.

 

I met a spirited black lady who had a Portuguese passport who said she was a recovering cocaine addict. We shacked up in a flat smoking herbs. She called the landlady “ Mrs Gordo”, she was rather portly.

 

When I put on my Carabao tapes wondering what on earth I’d done going to the other side of the world, the girlfriend would barricade herself in the wardrobe complaining about “Tailandia, Tailandia,Tailandia.”

 

She emerged to hurl abuse at the telly and president Sarney who sounded like a sandwich to me.  

 

“Fascista!!” she yelled. Oh well, at least I’d learned one Portuguese word, but it was not enough.

 

Crime. Costs fluctuating wildly every day. An ‘impossible’ language. An angry population. Utter confusion. They seemed to be waiting for samba and Carnival in February.

 

But I couldn’t wait.

 

Next day I walked into a travel agent and booked a one way ticket to Bangkok via a stopover in LA. I spent the last of my money in California before getting back to Krung Thep on May 13th. 

 

I moved back in with my startled flatmates in Soi 39, went to a disco in Silom and met a woman who I became engaged to some months later. The next night after Wimbledon beat Liverpool in the FA Cup final I met a woman 12 years my senior in Peppermint in Patpong who would become my first wife and give me two adorable children.  

 

And I never ever left Thailand again. I’d realised that the kingdom was not to blame for my troubles. You take your emotional baggage as well as your luggage with you wherever you go.

 

Last week I was encouraged by posters who said they liked my anecdotal stories hence the storyline this week. And yes, I have decided to write a book, as suggested by some last week, about my loony life. I hope to get it written when my little kids finally get back to school…..

 

That prospect looked like November 1st until the latest message from the school about Covid. Online learning continues for now as in many places in Thailand. At least they gave me 30% off last term’s fees - far more than some of my friends received.

 

Tomorrow, Monday is also the day when the TAT is hoping that the hordes of foreign tourists are about to descend on Thailand. 

 

Dream on. 

 

Most of the place is shut and it’s hard to even get a drink. Tourism minister Pipat needs to be sacked - they all do. He failed to ask Blackpink’s Lisa if she was free before trying to get 50 million baht for her. She was busy at New Year, it transpired. 

 

Pipat would find it impossible to organize a beverage at Boon Rawd brewery. 

 

Thailand Pass - hailed as the answer - is mostly offline. Damning press headlines about the latest clusters and full ICU’s continue. The bars remain shut. 

 

I changed my mind about going to Pattaya and went to Hua Hin last week. We were the only midweek guests in a 200 room hotel that needed a good clean. 

 

Someone was smoking in my favorite pizza restaurant. The staff said they were sitting outside after I complained. So much for enhanced customer service in the New Normal.

 

Despite reading online that foreigners were charged five times the Thai price at the Phraya Nakhon Cave at Sam Roi Yod national park I decided to take the family, warning them we wouldn’t go in if that was the case.

 

It’s a stunning place I’d visited many times with several school trips I’d organized years ago. Normally I wouldn’t risk it, not wishing to spoil my day, but this time I thought I’d be able to argue my case.

 

I was wrong.

 

The staff soon produced a laminated sheet in Thai that said you had to be a citizen, permanent residence didn’t cut it. I regret tossing the sheet back but not what I said. They called me rude.

 

For goodness sake Thailand. Do you want domestic tourists? Look, I’m all in favor of charging foreign tourists more, perhaps several times more. 

 

But taxpayers? People who have lived in Thailand, work here, raise families, contribute to the economy, have long term visas? It may not be a huge sum of money but 200 baht when the wife is 40 baht is galling. I wouldn’t pay. 

 

We went to the beach and the children got stung by jellyfish tentacles instead. A great day out!

 

For such annoying pettiness, for the complete debacle that has been Thailand’s pandemic response and the utterly shambolic “reopening'' -  all of Prayut and his cronies need to go. 

 

At the very least the country needs a new government properly elected by the people. 

 

And tourism - foreign and domestic - needs a complete remodelling with the creation of a Minister for Tourism Reform. Not some billionaire lackey with a nice tie. Someone with some savvy, someone who understands tourism. Someone who understands the modern world, the post-pandemic world. Someone with a basic understanding of the internet. Someone who understands foreigners. 

 

Tricky Thailand - with its hidden charges and rip-offs, no-quarantine quarantine - needs to wake up. There is competition out there and if you want even a fraction of that 20% of GDP returned you’d better not just fiddle while the Chinese wait in the wings.

 

The time to act is now. 

 

Meanwhile, the raids continued this time on the second floor of what appeared to be a Soi Cowboy bar - 61 pointless arrests that send further daggers to the heart of the night-time industry as foreigners observe from afar, shake their heads and say…”maybe later”. Maybe….

 

Bill Heinecke - mistaken as a foreigner by many on ASEAN NOW - is in fact a Thai billionaire. His call for alcohol to be allowed in hotels because “those drinkers are responsible unlike yobs in the bars” (I paraphrase) smacked of appalling self-interest and disregard for his fellow Thais. Nothing new there.

 

And if the tourists think they might be enjoying some clean air, think again.

 

The burning season is approaching and the usual scapegoats - vehicle emissions - are already being trumpeted. While the scandalous sugar industry remains politically untouchable, polluting bodies with their product and lungs with their connivance in the stubble burning. 

 

Welcome to Thailand 4.0!

 

To cap it all off a new Delta strain was discovered accompanied by that familiar “nothing to worry about” line. I’m afraid we’ve heard that all before, ad feckin’ nauseam.

 

The Covid numbers generally continued their decline as did the deaths. But I haven’t the slightest doubt that Prayut has no Plan B for the inevitable rise in cases when the country opens up more, foreigners or no foreigners. It’ll be more lockdowns, more kids off school, more anger, more fear. 

 

More failure - his stock-in-trade.

 

In other news this week the woman who cut the rope of the painters at the high rise condo in Pak Kret admitted the crime and faces attempted murder. 

 

A scandal of substandard medical gloves exported to the US seems connected to the abduction of a Taiwanese businessman by Thai cops and US marines in March. 

 

A well known Thai music producer was under fire after inappropriate touching allegations of his own children. 

 

There was very little to raise a smile and after my first week off this year I’m not going to try.

 

Do I regret coming back from Brazil all those years ago and making my life in Thailand? 

 

Of course I don’t. 

 

It’s been an incredible life and I’m optimistic as ever that there are better times ahead.

 

But do I see so much that needs to be put right about Thailand?

 

Of course I do.

 

Only a fool would suggest otherwise. 

 

Rooster

 

 

 

 

It was the early 1980’s and I’d already fallen hopelessly in love with Thailand. Just one problem - money.

 

So where to go to replenish funds? Working in Thailand seemed a step too far. Neither the Nation nor the Post were hiring foreign reporters, they just needed sub-editors.

 

Returning to the UK - just like nowadays - filled me with deep apprehension. So I plumped for the land of milk and honey, Australia!

 

After brushing up my Aussie slang, I hoped to make my fortune then return to Krung Thep in glory with a fistful of dollars and enrol in a Thai course.

 

This I managed but it was via hook and crook and more than a few amusing incidents and jobs along the way. 

 

I arrived in Perth in 1984 with $40 on a working holiday visa. I told the immigration officer that funds were arriving imminently at Westpac. The first of many occasions when I was economical with the truth down under. 

 

Then I promptly did what any self-respecting Brit would do in the circumstances - tried to sign on the dole.

 

The officious clerk pointed out that I had been away from the UK more than the stipulated 6 weeks - it’d been six months - and Mr Hawke had deemed this too long to be eligible to be a Pommie bludger. 

 

Yikes. I had to find a job! But what? The Scottish woman at my hostel let me paint the place in lieu of rent so that was a start of sorts. I then worked for Tubemakers of Western Australia painting white posts white. 

 

My work colleagues were rough and ready but very pleasant. How they loathed the management. It was like being on the shop floor in England again! 

 

One told me that the bosses were so bad that they began with the letter “A” and I was encouraged to guess.

 

“Er….awful, nah, mmm….appalling?” I ventured.

 

“No, mate this lot are abnoxious, that’s what they are, feckin’ abnoxious”. 

 

(Decades later I’d compete in the Australian Scrabble championships and could only finish 7th - many of them can spell…)

 

Pay at Tubemakers was reasonable but I needed to get-rich-quick so I put 10 bucks in my pocket and hitched lifts to Sydney. Nearly dying on the way when a ute I was riding in almost exploded on the Nullabor, I reached Liverpool (an Aussie town where your hubcaps are safe) four days later and immediately spent my last few cents riding into the center on a double-decker train. 

 

I went into a job center and found an advertisement for a proofreader. I took the precaution of going into about eight other job centers to steal the relevant card from the rack in case I had unwanted competition for the position. 

 

By the end of the day I was an  employee of Edward H. O’Brien at Milson’s Point. For the next nine months I earned my fortune first checking ads for the Yellow Pages then as a humble clerk. Oooh but the overtime was good!

 

A fellow proofreader was a Justice of the Peace who admitted to enjoying dressing in pink tutu on weekends. My! the men were gay in Australia!  It came as quite a surprise as I thought they were all Jeff Thomson or Dennis Lilley with sheilas on both arms. The portly JP was a nice guy and helped me get my Filipina girlfriend from Toongabbie a divorce behind her parents’ back.

 

She’d been forced to marry a “rello” to get him a visa to enter the country. He took his golf clubs to the ceremony, she told me, and rather than going on honeymoon he went for a round afterwards.

 

The clerk’s office had some characters. One was Laurie, a hilarious near retirement age woman who was proud of her convict heritage and made the life of Geoff, our long suffering Geordie boss, pure hell.

 

One day Laurie did something she called the “raw prawn”. She taped a large prawn under Geoff’s chair and waited. By next morning his secluded office stunk to high heaven and he couldn’t work out why! 

 

On another occasion Laurie arrived in the morning with a headache and took some aspirin. Or so she thought. “Oh shoot,” she suddenly exclaimed, calling over the hapless Geoff, more resigned to her shenanigans than a Newcastle supporter is to their hopeless team.

 

“Geoff, mate,” she drawled. “Just took two Mogadon, mate, by mistake, mate”. She scurried to the rest room and spent the whole day fast asleep before knocking off time!

 

Barry the floor boss was a decent sort, too. I was obliged to go and see him one morning when Australian Immigration informed me I was in breach of working holiday rules by staying in one job too long. I resigned with a twinkle in my eye saying I’d be back later. Armed with “proof” of leaving my job, immigration gave me another vital six months after which I returned to Barry who asked what he should do with my letter of resignation.

 

I pointed at the bin and we high-fived after he made a great Jordanesque shot and I went back to my desk.

 

Despite the crash of the Aussie dollar in 1985 I returned to Bangkok mid-year and started at AUA. The rest is history.

 

In 2013 after years as a teacher I tried retirement aged 52. I lasted 2 years, it was not for me. Thaivisa beckoned in 2016 and - the economic climate notwithstanding I could see myself doing this translating-column-writing lark for many a moon.

 

I am a busy guy, almost never bored, and I find working a perfect foil to being idle. One balances the other and I don’t think I’ll ever retire.

 

Keel over at my keyboard more likely!

 

It was another lively week in Thailand.

 

Prayuth’s acceptance that the country must reopen was confirmed as 46 countries went on the no quarantine list. 

 

Of course foreign tourists will still need to book at least one night in an SHA+ or AQ hotel to wait for the RT-PCR test result but, as many positive posters pointed out, this is a vast improvement on before. 

 

Pubs, bars and soapies remain shut but I expect to see these open come December. The real reopening is New Year and January (and Chinese hols in February…..)

 

In vaccination news, Pink Card holding foreigners can get their first jab this month and the rest in November. Double vaxxed people in Thailand passed 40%.

 

Rooster was at the Central Vaccination Center at Bang Sue station last Sunday. There were barely 200 people in the cavernous concourse. I got my second AstraZeneca in seven minutes then contemplated buying a snazzy “I Got Jabbed at Bang Sue” t-shirt. Only available on Shoppee for 350 baht, said the lady. 

 

Those who have had two AZ shots like me will get notification of another one from February. From my perspective - adopting the tried and tested, don’t panic Mr Mainwaring strategy - it has been well organized, straightforward and FREE!!!

 

Yes, others have not been so lucky but I believe you make your own luck and far too many posters on ASEAN NOW are overthinking things getting bogged down in minutiae. 

 

Methinks they’ve been listening to their Thai wives too much, nearly always a fatal mistake.

 

Such was the hand wringing that many posters - except those on ASEAN NOW’s Facebook arm - missed the fact that Sinovac, the final dregs thereof, was going into foreigners’ arms. 

 

Missing this red rag to a bull was surprising given the huge anti-China rhetoric that the forum is prone to.

 

Prayuth now accepts that the Covid-19 numbers, like the UK, are set to rocket. But the health system can just about cope and the vax numbers have at last reached a decent threshold. 

 

There have been many bumps on the way and Thailand is by no means out of the woods but progress has been made so I’m putting my bashing rants on hold….at least for this week!

 

The next thing to worry about will probably be inflation. In the more developed world prices are rising fast and I expect this in Thailand especially as those who do have a job have plenty of spare cash. Every business owner will be scandalously marking up their prices under the guise of increased costs, just watch.

 

Filling up the car and bikes this week reflected this - over 30 baht a liter compared to less than 20 last year. Yikes!

 

With inflation will eventually come higher interest rates that will be good news for savers to offset other costs.

 

Savers this week were freaked when many banks reported small sums stolen from tens of thousands of accounts in an alarming fraud linked to online shopping, debit and credit cards.

 

My experience with banks both here and abroad is that they are pretty good at reimbursing customers. Bangkok Bank repaid me in days after a 10,000 baht withdrawal from an ATM gave me nothing and debited my account. Barclays in London paid up promptly when someone withdrew 150 quid from my account in Rome. I’ve never been to Italy!

 

One of the best stories of the week was based on comments by former playboy, businessman, massage tycoon, politico and jailbird Chuwit Kamolwisit who gave us the benefit of his vast experience in the sex industry.

 

The angle of the ASEAN NOW story, was based on a comment he made about Vietnam era GI’s leaving a “legacy of sex culture”.

 

This was fair enough for a site for foreigners, but not Chuwit’s main focus. That was corruption among Thai-Chinese businessmen in cahoots with the police. 

 

Many forum posters overreacted as usual imagining that it was Thais blaming foreigners again. They can’t help themselves; they seem to loathe Thailand but funnily enough can’t leave her alone. Go figure!

 

Rooster slipped in some experiences of his own in the story. I’ve never met Chuwit but I think we could have quite an interesting conversation. He might even learn something, Rooster says modestly!

 

His main focus was how the R and R in the 60’s and 70’s and other developments in Thailand’s huge sex industry - like the numbered hotels in Wisut Kasat Road - led to the Ap-Op-Nuat’s of today. Those hotels - 99, 88 etc - were scandalous short time knocking shops. The customers were Thai. I went once, made my excuses and left. Thank goodness they’re now a footnote in Chuwit’s history.

 

The story was a trip down memory lane by the firebrand ex-TV presenter who now holds court on Facebook. 

 

Best bust of the week was at a tapas bar in Central World right next to RTP HQ! Pathumwan plod rounded up the hapless patrons scandalously imbibing that wicked alcohol.

 

Never short on shocking crime, Thailand excelled again. In Trang a younger monk took a scythe to his Luang Phee who was hogging the donations limelight. That would never do! His saffron robes were covered in blood and the older monk nearly had his nostrils detached. 

 

A bit like cutting off your nose to spite your faith.

 

Even more heinous was a Saraburi stepfather who tied an eight year old to a beam, thrashed him with flex, fed him his own urine then kicked him to death. He was arrested after fleeing south.

 

I shall never be in favor of the death penalty not least of all because rotting in a Thai prison is far worse punishment. Just don’t ever let him out.

 

Finally, there was light at the end of the tunnel for us parents with young children. We’re hoping that the kids might be back at what Thais now call “onsite learning” sometime in November. 

 

I’m heading off to Pattaya with the family this coming week to see how the other half live. I’ll write about my experiences next week.

 

It’ll be my first trip outside the Bangkok area since before Christmas. I haven’t been abroad or on a plane for three years. 

 

Like many of my readers I’m sure, we can’t wait for all this lurgy looniness to end.

 

Here’s hoping!

 

Rooster

 

 

 

 

PM drops the ball again as "unfaithful" Thailand demands better

 

 

The week in Thailand was dominated by the PM’s Monday announcement that the country would be reopening at last come November 1st. Once again the hapless PM seemed to have jumped the gun in an effort to boost his own political traction as the bearer of good news.

 

Full story: https://aseannow.com/topic/1235746-pm-drops-the-ball-again-as-unfaithful-thailand-demands-better/

 

 

The week in Thailand was dominated by the PM’s Monday announcement that the country would be reopening at last come November 1st. Once again the hapless PM seemed to have jumped the gun in an effort to boost his own political traction as the bearer of good news.

 

And once again it backfired as the very people he is trying to woo - foreign tourists - expressed more confusion than ever in online forums with the oft heard refrain “I’ll just wait till there’s more clarity” far more prevalent than “Yippee, get me on a plane to Thailand”.

 

On the face of it, Prayut's final grudging acceptance that Thailand needs to open up despite the Covid-19 numbers rather than because of them, is a step in the right direction.

 

But his own goal was that his “quarantine free access” was anything but. Fine to insist on double vaxxed tourists, great to ensure everyone has a test before they are Bangkok bound.

 

But oops - why insist on another test on arrival and create more headaches. And essentially completely undermine the no quarantine rhetoric.

 

Tourists will have to do just that at least for a night while they await their results. Subsequent babble about “swab hubs” in the Thai capital did little to allay concerns. 

 

The country should just be opening up to double vaxxed tourists and be done with it. And there should be no stipulation for children to be vaccinated. The further lack of clarity in that regard is putting off much needed income from bewildered parents.. 

 

Prayut and his cronies have clearly used the pandemic to advance the idea of moving on from Thailand’s sex tourism past - always an embarrassment though many of those cronies have fingers in that pie.

 

The rhetoric is all about quality tourists and big spenders coming to the rescue. No more mass tourism. This is a bunch of smoke and mirrors as when push comes to shove they will salivate for the high numbers that India and China represent rather than longer staying Europeans and Americans. 

 

One thing is for sure, as Rooster has said in recent weeks, the pandemic is the watershed that sees Thailand move away from nightlife as a primary means of attracting tourists whether they admit it or not.

 

Nature, families and wholesomeness is the “New Normal” though Thailand’s sex and night-time industry was so huge that it’ll probably just take a little more sniffing out.

 

The country is so unfaithful to each other - as a survey showed - that the industry has to survive just to cater to errant husbands, never mind the tourists. 

 

Though it might be less overt and less apparent to visitors in the future. The days of Go-Go bars and scantily clad women in the streets calling out to “handsum man” are numbered.

 

This will enable entities like the TAT to pretend that it doesn't exist rather like that cop a few years ago who said there was no sex industry.

 

Former tourism minister Kobkarn famously said in 2016 that she was going to preside over the end of the industry. This caused her to be sent packing back to the business sector where she would do less damage.

 

But a reassessment of the trade post-pandemic is clearly on the cards and places like Pattaya will never be the same again. That is probably a good thing as it needs a total reinvention from its seedy past.

 

Further changes were not changes at all. The new “Thailand Pass” is just a Certificate of Entry under another guise though creating a one stop shop for the documentation is a positive step.

 

But who wants all this aggravation when taking a holiday - shouldn’t everything be as simple as possible for visitors?

 

Yes, people coming to my house should remove their shoes and I may well direct them to a part of the sofa to sit on. But do they need to be told about how they sit, when they can get up, what they can say, where they can walk around, what they can and can’t touch?

 

Of course not; a guest is a guest and they should always be made to feel at home. Thailand needs to remember that and stop all the rules and regulations and hark back to a simpler time when people were attracted to the country because of its laissez-faire attitude. 

 

Sex industry or no sex industry.

 

The curfew was reduced and mutterings were made about allowing alcohol and the reopening of nightclubs from December. The authorities continued to burble on about protocols.

 

Everyone is sick of protocols but they do know what they should and should not do. We’ve had gels, and masks, and social distancing and temperature checks thrust down our throats for the best part of two years. We know what to do, we and our children all over the world have got used to it.

 

Just reopen and be done with it for goodness sake - we’re all tired of being caged up.

 

Our two year prison sentence should be over - with a little remission for good behavior!

 

The curfew is another red flag to tourism potential. Just scrap it. Now!

 

Everyone knows that the infection numbers will go up as the country reopens - that has been shown most everywhere. The health system can cope. Concentrate on the vaccinations and stop overthinking everything, that’s my message.

 

To wit, I shall be heading off to Bang Sue today (Sunday) to get my second jab of AstraZeneca. I’ll join the double-dosed, now nearly 40% of the population. I’m glad to see that this vaccine is now recognised abroad.

 

America will even accept those with Sinopharm and Sinovac in their arms for their belated second week in November opening, announced this week.

 

Thailand’s pandemic response has - like many countries - been laughable at times and I know it's kept me relatively sane by chuckling in lockdown. But this week there was thankfully far more to guffaw about on ASEAN NOW than the dreaded lurgy latest.

 

Apropos to my prior comments about unfaithfulness, a survey by Durex did the rounds again on social media, which showed that 51% of respondents in Thailand admitted to having a bit on the side. 

 

A bigger surprise was that the Germans were at 45% ahead of the French. Maybe Frenchmen lie more, though. Sex-starved Brits languished in a pathetic ninth.

 

The post showed a map of the most unfaithful countries - all in Europe except for Thailand. In your face Kobkarn!

 

On ASEAN NOW’s Facebook arm there was a thread about getting a hole in one at golf. Wagster J.P. Doyle linked the two stories saying this was because of Thailand’s 19th hole.

 

Continuing the theme somewhat, Thailand also had a spate of men getting their manhood’s stuck in all manner of things this week.

 

Firstly a guy in Kanchanaburi had to be cut free from a bottle opener then Thai Rath went to town on a person in Bangkok who got his “jao loke” wedged in a PVC pipe.

 

The media compiled a six minute video as a lady presenter kept deadpan, a male anchor winced and a foundation rescue staffer explained how he used his tool (cutting equipment, that is) to extricate the Member for Krung Thep. 

 

Years ago it was obvious that Thailand - with plenty of unfortunates’ todgers that had NOT been fed to the ducks - was heading to be the hub of reattachments.

 

Now it looks like being the hub of extractions, perhaps rivalling the great dental industry!

 

One wonders if the lack of nighttime entertainment has caused all this. The technician from Rom Sai foundation just said drily that who was he to judge.

 

Never ones to miss out on an opportunity to look foolish, the RTP joined the fun and games suggesting that we should not copy Squid Game, the hit Korean show depicting violence aplenty on Netflix.

 

Funny, but just moments before the spokesman told me I had decided to ritually slaughter my noisy neighbor for using a power drill. Thanks RTP!

 

Frankly, Thais of all ages have been subjected to gratuitous violence on and off screen since the year dot. They are bloomin’ used to it!

 

Funniest picture of the week was the Tourist Authority of Thailand governor Yutthasak Suphasorn who tried to look serious behind his black mask emblazoned with what looked like a red banana. 

 

Only a banana skin could have been more appropriate after some of his pronouncements this year.

 

Good news for Pattaya came when the military announced that the Cobra Gold exercises - cancelled in the pandemic - would be back on next year in full. 

 

The marines should be able to visit Nong Nooch gardens and go to Cartoon Network by then. Let’s hope the military police can keep them in order amid the orchids and water chutes. 

 

In more serious news - though with that familiar Thai smirk that it was anything but - was a family in the north east who advertised selling their eyes and kidneys.

 

They were on a march to the governor in Ubon after acting as guarantor for the wife of a cop who reneged on repaying for a tractor purchased years ago.

 

In Chiang Mai the tourist police and TAT got their floral bouquets and baskets out to visit a Russian mum whose 7 year old son fell in a boiling geyser. They promised help.

 

Many posters took the opportunity to blame the distraught parent. Please stop; you don’t know the facts of the case and have you never encountered an unexpected danger in Thailand before?

 

In Bangkok a Brit living on the 26th floor of a condo in Pak Kret got some online praise for helping a painter who was left dangling after his rope was cut.

 

The reader was also left dangling as to why this had happened in the first place. I wish the Thai media would learn to ask a few more questions - it would make translators' lives a whole lot easier.

 

The Association of Thai Travel Agents asked us to believe that the appearances of Lisa of Blackpink fame and opera singer Andrea Bocelli at New Year countdowns in Phuket and Bangkok was 200 million baht well spent.

 

“Suppose Lisa’s appearance attracts a million foreign tourists and each of them spends 75,000 baht, that’ll mean 75 billion in foreign exchange” said Sec-Gen Adit. 

 

He’s clearly angling to take over at the TAT or be Thailand’s next tourism minister. 

 

In international news that caught my eye, Star Trek’s William Shatner blasted into space on Bozo’s Phallus. Prince William said it right:

 

“Repair this planet, not find the next”.

 

In California the crime known as “stealthing” - removing a condom during sex without the knowledge of the recipient, was enshrined in law. 

 

Finally, a footballer in Thailand who ran into gambling debt decided to rob a gold shop and after his capture was taken on a reenactment that attracted dozens of gawking shoppers.

 

Plod had an easy task in snaring him as he dropped his mobile phone at the scene of the crime.

 

Hopefully he’s not a goalkeeper.

 

Rooster