Worst Joke Ever 2024

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

An Irish man found himself in the wrong part of town late at night, and got attacked by a gang of muggers. He put up a terrific fight but was eventually overcome and lay bleeding on the ground. When the muggers went through his pockets, all they found was a handful of loose change. 
"You went through all that just to protect a few coins?" they asked amazed. 
"Oh I see," said the man.

 

"For a while I thought you were after the £500 hidden in my left shoe." 

Edited January 7, 2019 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

The judge turned to the farmer and said, "Mr Brown, you are in this court to claim damages against this truck driver, for the awful injuries you claim you sustained at the time of the accident. And yet, Mr Brown, at the scene of the accident you were heard, in front of two reliable witnesses, to say to the policeman that you'd never felt better when he asked how you felt. Kindly explain this if your injuries were as severe as you now state in your deposition." 
"It's like this, your honour" replied the farmer. "At the time of the accident the policeman went over to my dog, hearing it whimper seeing and it was badly injured, he shot it. Then he went over to my two cows and when he saw they had broken legs, he shot them as well. So when he came and asked me how I felt, I thought it was a good idea to tell him I'd never felt better." 
 

[scottiejohn]

[chickenslegs]

My girlfriend (an air hostess) took me for a ride in her sports car.

We parked up in a quiet spot and started to cuddle.

I said to her “How high off the ground is this car?”

She says "I don't know, 4 inches?".

Being quite the wit, I seductively asked her “How would you like to join the 4 inch Club?” 

She looked at me and said......"Oh, I think I’m already a member".

[chickenslegs]

A worried husband calls the police:

Husband: "My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!"
Sheriff: "Height?"
Husband: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Sheriff: "Weight?"
Husband: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat."
Sheriff: "Color of eyes?"
Husband: "Sort of brown, maybe blue. Not sure."
Sheriff: "Color of hair?"
Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember."
Sheriff: "What was she wearing?"
Husband: "Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly."
Sheriff: "What kind of car did she go in?"
Husband: "She went in my truck."
Sheriff: "What kind of truck was it?"
Husband: "A 2016 Brilliant Diesel Grey Pearlcoat Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4 l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, backup and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting."

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sheriff: "Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!!!"

[scottiejohn]

8 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

I seductively asked her “How would you like to join the 4 inch Club?” 

She looked at me and said......"Oh, I think I’m already a member".

Was "She" a Lady Boy perhaps?

[scottiejohn]

[chickenslegs]

A man ran into a Botox clinic, opened his raincoat and exposed himself.

Nobody looked surprised.

 

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.

It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.

 

My friend has got a butler who only has one arm.

Serves him right.

 

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, "No, wait! I can change."

 

My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."

I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."

 

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."

 

 

[chickenslegs]

Some useful French/English translations ...

 

Coup de grace - A lawn mower.

La deviation pour chauffeur de camion - My driver likes camels.

 

Moi aussi - I am an Australian.

Pas de deux? - Father of twins?

Mange tout - You're pretty mangy yourself.

 

Pain prune - I cut myself with the secateurs.

Chaussee deformer? - Are you a contortionist?

 

Parke le char - My tea is cold.

Suivez la piste  - Never mind, follow that drunk!

 

[vogie]

If you say beer can in an English accent, it sounds like bacon in a Jamaican accent.

[riceyummm]

On 12/19/2018 at 3:57 PM, scottiejohn said:

A tourist was fishing off the coast of Florida when his boat tipped over. He could swim, but he was afraid of alligators and hung on to the side of the overturned boat. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted out, “Are there any ’gators around here?”

 

 “Naw,” the man hollered back. “They haven’t been around here for years!”

 

 Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming calmly toward the shore. About halfway there, he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the ’gators?”

 

 “We didn’t do anything,” said the beachcomber. “The sharks got ’em.”  

Punchline #2: Never really had salt water gators here, millions of crocs though.

 

True fact.  https://www.nps.gov/ever/learn/nature/crocodile.htm

[riceyummm]

 

 

 

 

This is one of the reasons I live in Thailand.

 

[chickenslegs]

Cleggy, a Yorkshireman, asked the bus conductor how much it would cost to travel into town. "80 pence" said the conductor.

 

He thought this was a bit steep so he decided to run after the bus for a few stops. "How much now?" he asked. "Still 80 pence". 

 

Cleggy ran after the bus for another three stops and, panting, he asked "How much now?" 

 

The conductor replied "90 pence. You're running in the wrong direction!" 

[chickenslegs]

Alisdair Biggar, a 5 foot 2 inch Scotsman, applied to join to the New York City police force.

 

The inspector glared at him and asked, 'How would you disperse a large, unruly crowd?'

 

'Well,' replied Alisdair thoughtfully, 'I'm no too sure how ye do it here in New York, but back home we just pass the hat around, and they soon begin to shuffle off.'

[scottiejohn]

On 1/11/2019 at 11:45 AM, riceyummm said:

Punchline #2: Never really had salt water gators here, millions of crocs though.

My jaw dropping response is that I'm Scottish so that is my excuse for not knowing the true facts re US Crocs & gators.

 

All I did was to try and make the punchline snappy.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

PASSWORD REJECTION';

 

The Password "Beef stew" is not acceptable on this Russian menu website as it is not 

 

 

"Stroganoff"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

TEACHER TO KIDS AT SCHOOL
"We all use our fathers surname as our last name.  Please tell me if you know your Mummy’s last name and how you know."
Kid: "Mommy’s last name must be ‘Honey’ because that’s what dad calls her."

Teacher: "That’s sweet. What’s her first name, do you know?"

 

 

Kid: "Sorry, I think."
 

[scottiejohn]

[chickenslegs]

A man is on his way to work when he sees a man walking a dog ahead of a hearse which is followed by a long line of people.

Approaching the dog owner and he asks him: "What happened here, man?"

"My mother-in-law died," he said.

"How sad. Do you mind me asking how she died?"

"My dog bit her…"

"You don't say! Could you lend him to me just for tonight?"

"Get to the back of the line!"

[chickenslegs]

Men: How to impress a woman on a first date

• Take her somewhere romantic:
• Don’t be a cheapskate:
• Make an effort with your appearance:
• Be charming: 
• Open doors for her: 
• Walk on the curbside: 
• Take her coat/ give her yours:  
• Put your phone away: 
• Compliment her: 
• Ask questions about her:
• Be funny, but not cocky:
• Buy her flowers:
• Pay the bill: 
• Don’t try to sleep with her on the first date: 

 

Women: How to impress a man on a first date 

• Arrive wearing a raincoat and nothing underneath:
• Bring beer:

[Damrongsak]

Three men are in the middle of a desert when their car breaks down. For their hike to town, they each decide to take one thing with them.

One man takes a jug of water. The second man takes a sandwich. The last man takes one of the car doors. 

The first man says to the last man: “I’m bringing the water because if I get thirsty, I can take a drink. And it makes sense to bring a sandwich in case we get hungry, but why bring a car door?”

The last man replies,  “If I get hot, I can just roll down the window.”

[scottiejohn]

THIS IS NOT FUNNY-JUST SAD BUT TRUE

[scottiejohn]

A COCKSURE YOUNG LAD (IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE!)

 

A young (a well underage) boy walked into a bar and asked for a bottle of beer and 20 fags. 
"Now, now," smiled the buxom young barmaid, wagging her finger. "Do you want to get me into trouble?" 
He replied, "Not at the moment, I just want me beer and fags. But if that’s what you want  I’ll meet you out the back at closing time, Bye the way make sure you bring your own condoms as the chemist and barbers won’t sell em to me".

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

"Mummy, mummy, are little birds made of metal?" 
"Of course not, darling, why do you think that?" 

"I just heard daddy say he'd like to screw the a*se off the little bird next door." 
 

[scottiejohn]