Worst Joke Ever 2024

[ravip]

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18 hours ago, Crossy said:

Sorry guys, it's on a bus not a new incarnation of Hooters ...

 

 

And if that's not your thing, there's always this...

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Just Ignoreded someone for correcting my grammar and it feelded good.

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On my way home from the off licence earlier, I dropped my bag in a puddle.
It really dampened my spirits

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I’m trying to start a new business “recycling chewing gum”,
but I’m having trouble getting it off the ground.

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Friend: "I just saw a wolf!"
Me: "Where?"
Friend: "No, the regular kind."

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[roo860]

[roo860]

[ravip]

[oxo1947]

[Crossy]

There was a painter named Michael who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

 

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of their building.

 

Michael tendered his bid and he got the job because his price was so low. So he set about erecting the scaffolding, setting up the planks, buying the paint, and yes, thinning it down.

 

Well, Michael was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint off the church and knocking Michael clear off the scaffold to land on the ground, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

 

Michael was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

 

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

 

 

Coat being fetched

[Crossy]

[scottiejohn]

The person who created the sign "CAUTION HOT SURFACE"...

...in braille, was an evil genius.

[scottiejohn]

When the police caution you that whatever you say can be taken in as evidence

your next words must be:

 

"please don’t hit me again officer!"

[scottiejohn]

Ok, this one is a bit tasteless.

So proceed with caution.

It is water!

[scottiejohn]

An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'. As they were walking around the office, the young girl starting crying and getting very cranky, her father asked what was wrong with her.

As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly,

"Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?"

[scottiejohn]

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution….

“You don't want to try these techniques at home.”

“Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She would make lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

“Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes" replied the expert.

"It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven".

[scottiejohn]

A lost dog strays into a jungle.

A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "Get on my back, we'll get him together".

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "Where the hell is that monkey?

 

I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!"

[scottiejohn]

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "caution, I'm a maneater".

I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "excuse me, Miss... about your shirt"

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted; "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men.. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said; "That's actually not what I was going to say at all."

"Oh.." she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?"

"That's not how you spell manatee."

[scottiejohn]

I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

"Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
"Do these excite you?" she asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk.
"Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.

I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.

[scottiejohn]

One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret drawer has popped open on her mother’s bed.

Inside, was a very well presented box containing the most magnificent looking dildo she’d ever seen with instructions reading, “The Great magic dildo. To use it, just say the words 'Great Magic Dildo' followed by where you want it to pleasure you. USE WITH CAUTION!”

"What have I got to lose, I need cheering up” the girl thinks. So, she lays down on her bed and says "Great Magic Dildo, vagina." The dildo immediately goes flying to her pussy, tears her underwear and rapidly penetrates her, making her cum harder than ever before.

Feeling majestic and much happier, the girl lies down on the floor holding the dildo in awe when suddenly, her ex-boyfriend comes barging in and says "Hey listen, I want to talk to yo… what are you holding??"

"It’s a Great Magic Dildo"

Laughing, he says "Yeah right, great magic dildo my @ss."