Worst Joke Ever

[likeke]

Seriously. These are funny!

[AhFarangJa]

[White Christmas13]

Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.

"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So, are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"

[White Christmas13]

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.

He replies, No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!

[White Christmas13]

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?"

Long pause... "Uh .... is this 832-4821?"

[Thaiwine]

Political Bloopers

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President

"This is a great day for France!" President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral.

"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." President Gerald Ford"

"Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life." --Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty.

My fellow astronauts..." Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.

"Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.

"We found the term 'killing' too broad." State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5

"The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated." Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.

"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police." U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad.

[Sandy Freckle]

2 guys are limping along a footpath towards each other from opposite ends of the street.
As they draw up to pass each other, the first limping guy mumbles to the other limper...., "Vietnam 68" !
The other limping guy responds back....., "Dog shit 50 metres" !!

Edited July 6, 2016 by Sandy Freckle

[White Christmas13]

Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.

"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So, are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"

[White Christmas13]

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.

He replies, No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!

[nikmar]

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.

He replies, No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!

I read your jokes and tend to get a sense of "deja vu". Why could that be?

[White Christmas13]

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

[White Christmas13]

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

"Hi, is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store.", she replies.

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundredbucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[White Christmas13]

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."

Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.

"Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!"

[metisdead]

An offensive post has been removed.

[laislica]

2 guys in their 30's sitting at a bar.

One guy says to his m8, "man you look tired."
His buddy says, "dude, I'm exhausted.

My girlfriend and wants sex all the time.
I just don't know what to do."

An old guy , sitting 2 stools down,.. over hears the chat....
He looks at the 2 men and says,

"marry her, that'll put a stop to that shit...".

[AhFarangJa]

[White Christmas13]

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers,"I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles,he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

[White Christmas13]

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."

[White Christmas13]

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.

"Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."

"Marvelous," says the man,

"book my wife for next Tuesday!"

[White Christmas13]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

[White Christmas13]

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room.

When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess.

The husband says, "I will love you no matter what it is, tell me."

So the wife tells him that she is actually extremely flat chested.

The husband says, "I can deal with that."

He takes off her shirt and shouts, Boy! you are small, but I love you anyway.

The husband says, That he has something to confess also.

She says, "No matter what I will still love you."

He says, "Okay. I am built like a baby down there."

She says, "I can deal with that."

So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! He fans her and she finally gets up.

She says, "I thought you said you were built like a baby?"

He says, "Yeah....7lbs, 21inches."

[White Christmas13]

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

[Wilsonandson]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

[Wilsonandson]

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

[Wilsonandson]

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”

Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”

It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”

“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

[Wilsonandson]

Husband (watching a video):

Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!

Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What'aya watching?

Husband: Our wedding ceremony.

[Wilsonandson]

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence, and as he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

* * *

Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular

* * *

I was walking through the cemetery and saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. I said, “Morning..”. He said, “No. Taking a sh1t.”

* * *

A group of engineers are on a boat and are out on a cigarette break. However, none of them have a lighter. One engineer gets a great idea, and throws a cigarette off the boat. Suddenly, the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

* * *

Two nuns are biking down a cobblestone path when one nun says to the other, “I’ve never come this way before.” The other nun replies, “Must be the cobblestones.”

* * *

I still remember when my mom used to tuck me in as a kid. Man she really wanted a daughter.

* * *

A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said “well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?”.

The guy says “oh I went to yale”.

The employer: “oh great!! Well you’re hired, you start monday”

Guy: “Yay! I got a yob!”

* * *

Have you any two-watt bulbs?

For what?

That’ll do. I’ll take two.

Two what?

I thought you didn’t have any.

Any what?

Yes please.

* * *

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, “Thanks.”

I said, “Don’t mention it.”

* * *

A beautiful woman walks into a bar. The barkeep asks, “What’ll you have?” She replies, “I’d like a double entendre, please.” So he gives it to her.

* * *

Dad – “Did you know that if you pour salt on a cat’s tail it will fall off?”.

Son – “Really?”.

Dad – “Yup. If you pour pepper on a cat’s tail it will fall off, too.”

* * *

Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench, and a man in a trench coat walked over and flashed them! Two of the little old ladies immediately had a stroke, but the third one didn’t want to touch it.

* * *

Shoutout to the people who don’t know what the opposite of in is

* * *

My friend was about to get attacked by a duck. I tried to warn him, but it only made it worse.

* * *

“If I saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d just start shouting out letters.”

* * *

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg.

* * *

There is a lesbian couple next door to me, and for christmas they bought me a rolex.

I think they misunderstood.

[White Christmas13]

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man: "What was that for?"

Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"

Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

Man: "What was that for this time?"

Wife: "Your horse phoned."

[White Christmas13]

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?"

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor finished, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

[White Christmas13]

The manager of a liquor store gets a midnight phone call at home:

- Hello!

- At what time does the store open?

- At ten o'clock sir.

At two in the morning, the phone rings again:

- HELLO!

- Ya (burp), at what time does, euh, the store open?

- AT TEN IN THE MORNING, sir

Again, at four, the phone rings:

- H!E!L!L!O!

- Ya, euh, (burp), at ...time, euh, does the euh store open?

- At ten in the morning sir, but I am not sure that, since you are so drunk, I will let you in.

- I (burp) don't want, euh, to get in, euh, I want to get out!