Shoe On The Other Foot

[Vertigotogo]

Ladies (and gentlemen), I wonder if you could share your wisdom and help me to help a friend? I did a search but couldn't find anything close to this (but he is not a taxi driver!).

A lady friend of mine visited Thailand a few months ago and met a 35 year old man who works as a tour guide. She is 42 and from Australia.

They had a few drinks together, got to know each other a bit better and she now considers that she is 'in a relationship with him'. This lasted a few weeks and she is back in Australia. She has told him that she is studying as well as working full-time and that she is not a wealthy woman.

Here's my point........

I know that some women are seeking a farang man for a future hopefully with some form of financial security and I know the stories are legend and the advice prolific. But does anyone have any experience of Thai men having a relationship with a farang woman in order to get money (or a sexual conquest) out of her?

I don't wish to enter into a topic debate about the right or wrongs of such behaviour; just want some sound advice please so that my friend can enter in to it armed with knowledge. She's an intelligent woman and can make up her own mind about him.

Thank you in advance everyone.

[Boo]

It's always possible he has ulterior motives but unless you know him & get some kind of dodgy read off of him then you'll never know. He might be exactly as she think he is, a bloke who wants to be with her for no other reason than most people want to be together. If she is an intelligent women then you should just trust her judgment & let her get on with it. If she gets burned, then she wont be the first & she wont be the last.

When I met my husband (thai) he was a penniless musician, 10 years & one gorgeous son later & he is still quite penniless but he is also a devoted husband & father, a good friend & the prefect partner for me. I'm sure some people around me at the time could have thought him to be after something but he has proven to be nothing worse than a decent man from a good & loving family, who looks out for his wife & son as #1 priority.

Trust your friends judgment but don't be shy in letting her know if you hear or feel things about their relationship from her that ring alarm bells.

[Boo]

oh just to clarify though I was 26 when I met Mr Boo & he was 31

[ClaritySeeker]

What makes you think he is after her cash? Is it because he is younger than her and farang women over a certain age aren't supposed to be attractive anymore..... There's the good and bad in every society and just because a relationship isn't following a familiar script doesn't mean there's necessarily anything wrong with it. She's a big girl and can make her own decisions, she's no more or less likely to be taken for a ride by a Thai man than an Australian one to be honest. If she suspects he's after a visa, when and if the subject ever comes up she can just offer to go and live in Thailand. If the man isn't genuine he won't like that idea at all..... Just don't be sending him cash, from afar and I think she's pretty safe.

[Vertigotogo]

Thank you both for your advice.

You will see that in my original post I have not made any judgement about the situation; it was my friend who mentioned it first and asked for my advice.

For the record, I think my friend is extremely attractive and I am hoping that romance blossoms for them.

[eek]

I generally think women are pretty attuned to their gut instincts. Red flags will be pop up if something is up. Its up to your friend (if she feels red flags) if she decides to heed them or not. I believe its normal for most women to read a lot of body language as well as other factors when summing people up..particularly potential partners. If shes happy and comfortable in his company, then i would say just go with the flow. Any potential red flags that pop up along the way, she can assess as and when.

The difficulty i would say is how to maintain a long distance relationship (if thats the plan). From what you say, she has only dated him for a few weeks and now she is back in Australia. To be honest, although it COULD work, it just seems rather difficult. But well, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I do wish your friend the best in this. Id say she should just keep her head screwed on, listen to her instincts, be happy, and go with the flow (not have too much expectations).

[sbk]

I wouldn't call a 7 year difference in age that major, IMO so doubt it makes a difference at all for people in their thirties and forties and I sincerely doubt if it were a 42 year old man and a 35 year old woman any eyebrows would be raised at all. So, I see no need for them to be raised here.

That said, while women are capable of recognizing red flags we are also perfectly capable of ignoring them, just like men do

Do I think your friend is leaping too fast? you betcha and do I think she expects too much if she expects a monogamous long distance relationship from a guy shes only known a few weeks? absolutley, would be utter foolishness on her part to do so.

That said, she's an adult and absolutely capable of making her own mistakes and learning from them. But, a true friend will warn her when he or she sees the poop hitting the fan.

[RueFang]

When I was fresh off the boat in Thailand on one of the islands, I became friendly with a Thai tour guide which became intimate fairly quickly. Within about three weeks he was making not so subtle suggestions about possible marriage/long term relations. He knew perfectly well I had barely a penny to my name (end of round the world trip) and even though we had good chemistry, it was purely physical, not lovey dovey. I knew instinctively (and by looking at him ), that he was a 'beach boy' - as in, picked up white chicks as often as he could hoping for a stayer. I was pretty sucked in for the first month but then more travel beckoned and off I went telling him I may or may not be back.

One month later I met my now Thai husband volunteering and lived in a non-touristy area for the next 4 years. After knowing my husband and many other 'real' Thai men, hindsight is a beautiful thing He was a player. Not after money - After the status of having a white wife/girlfriend. It was great fun while it lasted, was a great ego boost for me at the time, but I knew it for what it was and glad I didn't stay.

As a side note, am happily married 5 years this weekend !!

[ClaritySeeker]

I agree with the others that say 'holiday romance' on this one. She shouldn't be surprised if he suddenly stops writing\calling.

[redfish44]

It is a similar age gap to me and Mr Redfish, although we were a bit younger when we met, but like sbk says it doesn't really matter once you are in your 30s.

I just kept coming back to find my guy after working at sea, just to see what would happen - now we have been over 3 years together.

I come back after 5-6 weeks away working though, and we spend as much time as possible together.

Mine is not interested in the money, and just doesn't believe that I make what I do as it is all far beyond his comprehension. We opened a joint bank account to get him a tourist visa for aus once and he refuses to even have the book in the house when I am away as he says it is my money not his.

I have known beach boys to do the things you probably worry about though, so is not unfounded.

In all honesty though, the average aussie guy is probably a lot worse and a lot more likely to give her heartache, headaches and other mess.

In my personal experience of knowing a lot of them over the years, most just actually want to settle down with a nice girl - the local girls don't really consider them, and they often find only the foreign girls really understand them and thier lives.

Congratulations Rue Fang on 5 years marriage!

[bina]

It is a similar age gap to me and Mr Redfish, although we were a bit younger when we met, but like sbk says it doesn't really matter once you are in your 30s.

I just kept coming back to find my guy after working at sea, just to see what would happen - now we have been over 3 years together.

I come back after 5-6 weeks away working though, and we spend as much time as possible together.

Mine is not interested in the money, and just doesn't believe that I make what I do as it is all far beyond his comprehension. We opened a joint bank account to get him a tourist visa for aus once and he refuses to even have the book in the house when I am away as he says it is my money not his.

I have known beach boys to do the things you probably worry about though, so is not unfounded.

In all honesty though, the average aussie guy is probably a lot worse and a lot more likely to give her heartache, headaches and other mess.

In my personal experience of knowing a lot of them over the years, most just actually want to settle down with a nice girl - the local girls don't really consider them, and they often find only the foreign girls really understand them and thier lives.

Congratulations Rue Fang on 5 years marriage!

we have four years on nov 6 (loy kratong actually is when we got married then)... jsut did our annual date for renewing visa temp. residency here, waiting for the verdict in january... .. we have a 9 year difference, me being the older one.... definately not a money match, me being a poor kibbutznik (and getting poorer every year it seems)... but he wasnt a beach boy but a foreign agri worker... although looking back, not sure now if he would have gone through with the whole visa thing knowing what he does now... 'gives him a headache', 'too complicated' etc.

bina

congrats to all of us for dealing with the intercultural bruhaha.... redfish, u seem to have the most difficult one, being off shore... as i get older i prefer more 'permanance' in our living arrangements...not willing to do the tel aviv week/kibbutz weekend thing (neither are we allowed to do so for visa purposes, but the possibility rears its monetary head every once in a while).

[Goinghomesoon]

Aw I'm a beginner to marriage compared to SBK, Boo, Rue, Bina and others....2 year married last week

I think it's really nice that OP Mike is concerned enough about his friend to ask these questions. We all need good mates to steer us in the right direction (or give us an alternative point of view) occasionally. Mike I might have missed in your post, but did you meet they guy or just get information from your gal pal? I'm guessing something has set your antenna wobbling, or else you probably wouldn't be writing. Good on you for asking! Maybe you need to send your friend here to read some of our adventure stories!

[Vertigotogo]

Mike I might have missed in your post, but did you meet they guy or just get information from your gal pal? I'm guessing something has set your antenna wobbling, or else you probably wouldn't be writing.

No, I haven't met the guy and haven't asked much about him to be honest. I can't remember what she said to me at the time but it did raise my antenna, yes!

I have lived in several other countries too so my feelings about situations like this aren't based on just what happens in Thailand.

Great comments form everyone though; thank you so far.

I have several members of my 'extended family' who are married couples from different continents and they are all happy and secure. I know from their success (and the ones mentioned on here) that inter-cultural/racial marriages can be wonderful (for my sake I hope so!! LOL).

[mssabai]

Some great advice already. Especially Eeks (your gut knows best) and Boo. Having been there, done that, worn the t-shirt...la la la la...I feel I am able to add my two pence now too. As far as I have seen in my last 4 years, there is no organised 'toy boy' scene similar to what is found in the Caribbean. The most regular instances of Thai man farang women by far that I have seen are similar aged couples, or older men who generally meet their partners when theya re fairly young... The 'beach boy' and 'tour guide' scenes are both quite famous for their large amounts of 'butterflies'...but this simply goes with the territory. You find it in every tourist location in the world. When you have girls on tap, coming through the revolving doors of Suvvhanabhumi on a regular basis, who think you are the greatest thing since sliced bread, you are always going to find men willing to take advantage of their bucket fueled lust. But just as there are the butterflies, there are also the good boys (though often they are snapped up and taken out of the bar scene nightlife). I can't talk as much for tour guides. I have heard about them being equally notorious, but their jobs are certainly less alcohol drenched and quieter, so this would make me think it isn't quite as bad. But still, all you can do is go with your gut in that situation. I would tell her to keep her eyes and ears out...especially for any conflicting stories or glossing over of past histories. Yes I would be more wary, but only because of the field that he works in, not because he is a Thai man.

The financial element Boo wrapped up really well. The fact is, even if she is "penniless" she is probably richer than he could ever dream of. Yes this would be a plus to him, and to anyone in their situation (I know how I would feel if I found out the man I was in love with was also minted!) but in my experience, unless there are signs, there is no reason to think he is after her money. If she did want to go forward into a relationship though, she would have to accept that the financial disparity is going to be a constant factor in their lives, and it is something she will have to come to terms with. Only in very few situations here have I seen the women being looked after financially by the man. As a foreign worker you will always be earning a top whack salary here...for instance, I am earning 4 times what my friend who graduated from 4 years at a top class uni. If he is a tour guide, chance are he probably isn't uni educated, meaning he is going to be earning less than 10k a month, and probably sending a fair whack home to his family. This is something you have to think carefully about. However I always think it is very very obvious when someone is being milked for their money. What she needs is good friends around her who are not scared of telling her the truth and who she will listen to, they just help bolster that gut instinct.

[ableguy]

It's always possible he has ulterior motives but unless you know him & get some kind of dodgy read off of him then you'll never know. He might be exactly as she think he is, a bloke who wants to be with her for no other reason than most people want to be together. If she is an intelligent women then you should just trust her judgment & let her get on with it. If she gets burned, then she wont be the first & she wont be the last.

When I met my husband (thai) he was a penniless musician, 10 years & one gorgeous son later & he is still quite penniless but he is also a devoted husband & father, a good friend & the prefect partner for me. I'm sure some people around me at the time could have thought him to be after something but he has proven to be nothing worse than a decent man from a good & loving family, who looks out for his wife & son as #1 priority.

Trust your friends judgment but don't be shy in letting her know if you hear or feel things about their relationship from her that ring alarm bells.

lovely post, congrats