mag4570

Ice fishing

Once upon a time long, long ago there was a Presidential election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner.

There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc.., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to settle things.

The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Wisconsin.

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.

At the end of the first day, George W. returns with 10 fish. Soon, Kerry returns and has zero fish. Well, everyone assumes he is just having a bad hair day or something and hopefully, he will catch up the next day. At the end of the second day George W. comes in with 20 fish and Kerry comes in again with none.

That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Kerry and says "I think George W. is a lowlife cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way."

The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish), Clinton says to Kerry, "Well, what about it , is George W. cheatin'?"

"He sure is Bill, he's cutting holes in the ice."

Subject: The Eulogy

She married and had 8 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 6 more children. Again, her husband died.

She remarried for a 3rd time and this time had 5 more children. Again, her husband died.

And, alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

Hog Raising...

The Honorable so and so

House of Representatives

Congressional District #16

Washington 25, D.C.

Dear Sir:

My friend over in Terebone Parish received a $1,000 check from the government this year for not raising hogs. So I am going into the not-raising hogs business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on and the best kind of hogs not to raise? I would prefer not to raise Razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, I will just as gladly not raise any Berkshires or Duroca.

The hardest work in this business is going to be in keeping an inventory on how many hogs I haven’t raised.

My friend is very joyful about the future of his business. He has been raising hogs for more than 20 years and the best he ever made was $400, until this year, when he got $1,000 for not raising hogs.

If I can get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, then I will get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs. I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to 4,000 hogs which means that I will have $80,000 coming from the government.

Now, another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. So will you pay me anything for not raising 100,000 bushels of corn to feed the hogs I am not raising?

I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a good time of year for not raising hogs.

One more thing, can I raise 10 or 12 hogs on the side while I am in the not-raising-hog business just enough to get a few sides of bacon to eat?

Very truly yours,

mag4570

Potential Hog Raiser

Mostly the movie has been discredited to nothing but propaganda in attempted bashing of Pres Bush & is completely inaccurate, Devoid of truth & chock full of lies, Even ex CIA book writer Dick Clark has condemed it as fiction, The only thing good that may come of it is M. Moores bank accont may grow & he will be exposed as a traitor to his country.

Diary Entries of a single woman on a cruise ship:

Dear Diary,

MONDAY: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly honored this evening as the Captain asked me to dine at his table.

TUESDAY: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain. He is so charming.

WEDNESDAY: The Captain made several proposals to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman.

THURSDAY: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his indecent proposals!

FRIDAY: This afternoon I saved 1600 lives .. twice

A Snail Buys a Fast New Car...

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

So I've been asking around about pussy farting. About queefs. I've been searching high and low for hard facts. And nothing. I did come across a website boasting of Girls who like to smell Farts and eat Pussy Cheese. Not exactly helpful to my cause. What I have found is, there are plenty of uneducated people out there. Specifically Men.

I don't understand how men can be disgusted by a pussy fart, which in reality is not even a fart. It's this polite little sound that comes out of a <deleted>. It's more of a... Thank you for humping me and thrusting all that air inside. And then comes this cute little Whooooosh of air. Men don't have any right to be all grossed out and make us ladies embarrassed about it. It's not even our fault. I'm certain any orifice would make a sound if you shoved something in it over and over and over again, real fast and hard.

Fact: Pussy farts don't even smell. If they did they'd smell like candy or roses or peaches. There is no chance a queef would ever smell like hot garbage or rotting egg salad. Ew. A pussy fart is air only. Air smells like nothing. So there you go.

Fact: Pussy farting is fun. You think all girls ever did at slumber parties was eat popcorn and talk about stupid boys? ###### no. We get down on our hands and knees, squeeze our poons real tight and Whoooooooosh ourselves across the floor. Or we lie on our backs and put our legs in the air as if we were doing that bicycle exercise, suck in our stomachs a bit then drop our legs real fast. This helps make a nice sharp queef. Something to be proud of. Definitely.

Some girls know their shit when it comes to serious queefing, emitting blast after blast with ease. It sounds easy, but takes skill. Some say it's easier if you're loose. Others claim it's the control of your PC muscle that helps. Regardless, it is entirely possible, sometimes spontaneous and can be embarrassing if you whoooosh out of context. But it's funny, so don't get all sad about it and never call that guy/girl again for frapping your poon in their face. Go out with style. You'll give 'em another and they'll like it. Dammit.

A good position for pussy farts is doggy style. Classically known to help thrust the cock further and deeper into the box, doggy style might be one of the key creators of ###### trumpet music. After being stuffed from behind, a girl can barely stand up without letting several phffffft frrrrrt pfffffft shhhhhhhhh mmmmfffffftttt toot tttttttfffffft noises out. Hopefully the one doing the stuffing knows how to handle this situation. It can be a bit embarrassing. Especially if it's the first ######.

My weirdo friend Jimmy of Queens, N.Y. is a slut who would have sex with anything, so obviously he would be the one to answer my questions. "It's like real wet nasty sex even if the sex isn't real nasty and wet," he says. "You can get the same sound from like, two bellies rubbing together. When that happens it's just funny, like haha, our bellies farted. But pussy farts, that's like a real sexy sound."

Raymi: And how do you react when a girl queefs? Do you go, "That's ok" to make her feel not embarrassed or something?

Jimmy: No, I kinda make a groaning noise and start to ###### harder 'cause I like the sound.

Raymi: Wow, that's nice. I never though of it that way before. I always considered a queef being like the final gong or closure to a sex-session.

Jimmy: How could you stop ###### if it is like four queefs in a row or like, constant queefs for 5 minutes?

Raymi: That would be exhilarating if I could queef for five solid minutes.

Jimmy: I would like, explode.

Raymi: I'm glad there are queef-positive people like you out there. It is very refreshing.

Jimmy: Thanks. Anyway, I gotta go think about queefs now

Raymi: Yah, me too.

So with the subject of queefing fresh in mind, I met up with the boys for a few beers and made them confess how they felt about pussy farts. They were well-lacquered before I even got there so I think it's safe to say their judgement was not accurate.

Raymi: So guys, I'm writing a piece on pussy farts...

Boy 1: You're serious? Why?

Raymi: Have you ever read anything about pussy farts before?

Boy 2: (Talking on cell phone but also listening to me at same time). What?! What? What!?! WHAT!?!

Boy 1: No I have never read anything about pussy farts.

Raymi: Well there you go.

Boy 2: I don't know what to say. It's only happened once so I pretended it didn't even happen.

Boy 1: I think it is rude and disgusting.

Raymi: Oh shut up, all you ever read about is wrestling so what do you know.

Boy 2: (Looking uncomfortable) I don't know. I don't know. I think we need another pitcher.

Boy 1: Who the ###### would publish something about pussy farts?

Raymi: Important people. The public needs to know about them.

Boy 2: Are you queefing right now!?! (Boy 1 and Boy 2 laugh real hard and high five each other then Boy 3 shows up)

Boy 3: What are you talking about?

Boy 1: Queefing

Boy 3: Oh yah, eh?

Raymi: What do you do when a girl queefs?

Boy 3: Are you serious?

Raymi: Yes.

Boy 3: I uhh, I have to decide whether I act like it didn't happen or feel embarrassed for her, like for sympathy points.

Boy 2: Yah, exactly dude!

Raymi: Ok I don't want to talk about this anymore with you guys.

Boy 1: Good.

Raymi: Fine.

That didn't go exactly as planned. But you get the idea. Some are uneducated about queefs. And some are just, uneducated.

So, you won't be banished to an island of gross frapping women if you queef a lot. You are not a weirdo and you are not alone.

fffft ffffft phhhhhhht phhhhhht

Stroll: Your sarcastic remarks don't go unnoticed, If that is your intention to acquire attention your failing big time, You might try to be a little more understanding than obtuse, Will work wonders.

The patient...

Patient says, "Doc, you must check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put

your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear,

"Give me Ł10! I'm desperate! I need Ł10!"

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this

been going on?" the doctor asked.

"That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Please! I

really need Ł5! Just Ł5! Please! I'm desperate!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything

like this." The doctor was truly dumbfounded.

"Wait, Doc, that's not all of it. There's more. Just put your ear down

on my ankle," the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was amazed to hear his ankle plead,

"Please, I just need Ł20! Please lend me Ł20, please! I am really

desperate!"

"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing

about it in any of my books," he said as he frantically searched all his

medical reference books.

"However... I can make a well-educated guess. Based on life and all my

previous experiences, I can tell you with some certainty, that your leg

seems to be broke in three places."

--

Once upon a time there lived this raindeer reindear bambi called Rudolph, who lived up in the north pole with Santa and all the elves and that.

Now Rudolph was no ordinary bambi - he was one of those special magic flying ones that drag Santa's sledge into orbit so he can chuck X boxes and toblerones down the chimneys of the poor.

Which would have been fine, except that he had this mad luminous clown nose for some reason (probably the drink) and all the other bambis used to rip the piss make fun of him.

Anyway, in the end it gets so bad that they won't even let Rudolph join in any of the rayndier bambi games (whatever they are) so he decides to run off and, er, join the circus. Because he's got the nose and everything.

So he's off wandering through some woods or forests or whatever, looking for clown tracks or something and he meets this rabbit called, er, Humper.

And Humper's okay, because he doesn't laugh at Rudolph's nose or anything, and they're having a chat or whatever and suddenly Humper looks at the time and goes "Oh god, I'm late!" and runs off. And Rudolph thinks, like, late for what? But Humper just keeps saying "I'm late, I'm late" and runs off down this rabbit hole. Did I mention the rabbit hole?

But anyway, Rudolph thinks, what's all that about? And he decides to follow him. So he goes down this hole and ends up in this massive cave full of treasure and that, and in the middle of it there's Humper and this mad scientist with a hat on, sat round this table eating jam and drinking tea.

So Rudolph suddenly thinks, god I'm starving and joins 'em for lunch, and they're having a chat and a laugh and that, and after a bit the Queen of Hearts turns up and she's got some tarts with her (don't know their names) and everything's going okay, but then suddenly the Queen jumps up and starts screaming and going totally ballistic and it turns out there's a mouse in the teapot, for some reason, and it's totally freaked her out.

Anyway, now things start getting a bit mental, and the Queen's saying "What's that ###### bloody silly mouse doing in the tea pot?" and "I thought the tea tasted like mouse piss a bit off".

And the tarts are cracked up laughing by this point and the mad scientist's just taking the pi mick and the Queen's like "Right, I'm going to chop your heads off for that, see if I don't. I am the Queen, I can do what I like".

And everybody's suddenly shit scared of losing their head, but in the end the Queen of Hearts just, er... get's killed in a car crash.

So Rudolph gets out of the cave after all that and finds his way back to the north pole, and everyone still picks on him, but in the end it turns out that it doesn't matter, because he's not really a bambi at all - He's a swan!

Which at least explains the flying part I s'pose...

Help Wanted

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde

went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant,

but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two

days of the week start with the letter 'T'?".

"Today and tomorrow." replied the blonde.

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct

answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen

carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asked the sheriff.

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought

really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't

know."

The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and

work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where

her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.

The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on

the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

At present my bank pays .05 % up to 750.000 USD, So at 1.5 % the Thai Banks seem to be better than the US rates, However as interest rates go up as Allen Greenspan predicts so will the banks rates, Thats in the US of coarse and impossible to predict in other country's, As a general rule rates will usually reflect what the US Dollar is valued at.

An American tourist in London skips his tour group and explores the city

on his own. Wandering around and enjoying London, the American soaks up

the local culture and an occasional pint of Guinness.

Walking about, the American quickly discovers a sad truth: he is in a

beautiful, upscale neighbourhood..... big, stately residences... no

pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all - - NO PUBLIC

RESTROOMS!!

Locating a narrow side street with high walls, he decides to solve the

problem. Unzipped and ready to go, a London Bobbie shows up and says,

"I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, Officer," replies the American, "but I really HAVE TO

GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie. "I understand the problem - just follow me"

He leads him to a back "delivery alley," then along a wall to a gate and

swings it open. "In there," points the Bobbie.

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has

ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured

hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. With

the Bobbie's blessing, the American is quickly unburdened.

"That was really decent of you .... is that "British Hospitality?" asks

the American.

"No," replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "that's

the French Embassy."

My personal favorite for carry concealed is a 9mm w/ 3in barrel mfg by imi (Israeli military industries) Rather compact w/13 RD clip & one in barrel extremely accurate @ 25 yds, As Kevin knows I also have a 5 shot revolver 4570 which stands for 45 cal w/70 grains of powder mfg by magnum research w/ 10 in barrel & 4 pwr scope, The cylinder is 3 in long to accommodate the long cartridge & is sighted in at 100 yds & can group 3 shots in a 3in circle, Extremely accurate w/ enough impact pwr to take the heaviest game, And yes it takes two hands to handle it when fired, Quite a blast.

BTW Kevin good story on allowing him to ruin & posible take his hand off.

Stroll: You have the right to your opinion, But i beg to differ with you, The posting is based on facts released by the FBI in the USA, You may check them out at your leisure, Useing Google or Yahoo search, So please do.

Not known to be Fact or Fiction.

Navy Supply LITTLE KNOWN NAVAL HISTORY The U.S.S. Constitution (Old

Ironsides) as a combat vessel carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for

her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six

months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (fresh

water distillers). However, let it be noted that according to her log,

"On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a

full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water,

7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of

rum." Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping." Making

Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300

gallons of rum. Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November.

She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of

Portuguese wine. On 18 November, she set sail for

England. In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and

captured and scuttled 12 English merchantmen, salvaging only the rum

aboard each. By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted.

Nevertheless, and though unarmed, she made a night raid up the Firth of

Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whiskey distillery and

transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then

she headed home. The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20

February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, NO rum, NO wine, NO

whiskey and 38,600 gallons of stagnant water. GO NAVY! Now these guys

knew how to drink!

By all means send them your bank acct # Just make sure the balance is OOOO, Then Wait for your fortune to arrive. PS Don't hold your breath

By FBI statistics in the US where gun control is heavily enforced crime has spiraled upwards by people using guns, In contrast where citizens are encouraged to arm them selves crime has diminished, Basically criminals are a cowardly lot who would not take on an armed subject knowing they would be the victim, This has been established in Australia where gun control is very strict & crime has skyrocketed, Also in the UK, The Bobbies used to be not armed but now have been armed to control the upsurge of violence w/ firearms.

Criminals do not register their guns where the authorities require gun control, Nor do they buy them yet they still get them & continue using them on law abiding citizens who are unarmed. In the very heart of the US the nations capitol DC they had the highest murder rate of the nation by firearms & also strict gun control, So go figure, The facts do not lie, Yet gun control advocates still argue that taking away guns reduce crime is a lot of hogwash, Even when the facts prove different.

By FBI statistics in the US where gun control is heavily enforced crime has spiraled upwards by people using guns, In contrast where citizens are encouraged to arm them selves crime has diminished, Basically criminals are a cowardly lot who would not take on an armed subject knowing they would be the victim, This has been established in Australia where gun control is very strict & crime has skyrocketed, Also in the UK, The Bobbies used to be not armed but now have been armed to control the upsurge of violence w/ firearms.

Criminals do not register their guns where the authorities require gun control, Nor do they buy them yet they still get them & continue using them on law abiding citizens who are unarmed. In the very heart of the US the nations capitol DC they had the highest murder rate of the nation by firearms & also strict gun control, So go figure, The facts do not lie, Yet gun control advocates still argue that taking away guns reduce crime is a lot of hogwash, Even when the facts prove different.

Question: How do you tell the difference between liberals, conservatives, and a Texan?

Answer: Imagine the following situation.

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer:

"Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Conservative Answer:

BANG!

Texan Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

click.... (sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips??"

Being new to these boards am rather hesitant to make a reply, However having been around the world & various places, Have seen my share of violence in different forms, And being prepared is the best form of protection & be aware of surroundings, Not knowing the gun laws in Thailand i cannot say just what would be required for a carry permit, So i am inclined to go along with Kevin as that sounds like the best position to take. BTW myself i have had a carry permit most of my adult life and know well how to & when to use it, But having such protection doesn't mean to go looking for trouble. Thanks for listening.

Box of Tampons

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine,

the other four.

The nine-year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf

and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your Mom, huh.?"

The nine-year old shakes his head and replies, Nope,

not for my Mom."

Cashier: "Well, they must be for your sister then?"

Nine-year old: "Nope, not for my sister either."

Cashier, curious now: "If they're not for your Mom and

not for your sister, who are they for?"

The nine-year old says, "They're for my four-year old

brother."

Surprised, the cashier asks, "Your little brother right

here??"

Nine year old explains: "Well, yeah! They say on TV

if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike,

and my little brother can't do either!"

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?"

Am still smoking at 66 years & have been for the last 49 yrs, And yes the prices have have made me try to quit, But the nicotine is in my system for so long quitting is like going into withdrawal from addictive drugs, I finally found a supplier that imports from India that charges what i can afford, I think being raised in an enviornment where smoking was not frowned on & later starts raising prices to induce people to quit is really tragic, As the longtime smoker is the least likely able to afford the increased taxes.

One day the whole state legislature was aboard the official state bus touring a rural area.

The driver lost control and crashed the bus into the ditch.

A farmer came by, and, finding the politicians lying in the road, buried them.

The police arrived on the scene just as she finished tamping the dirt down over the last one.

They started asking her questions about the wreck.

"So you buried ALL the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."