alvino

Excellent

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle

with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is

not an option.

I will win.

___________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop

the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If

another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be

able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and

everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a

couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.

___________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me

soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman.

You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

___________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries

at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic

items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

___________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will

insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost

me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it

back together.

___________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my

hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a

whole show looking for it . . . though one time I was able to survive

by holding a calculator. (applies to engineers mainly)

____________________________ _______________________________________

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking

about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or

sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

___________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your

mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about

her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is

okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something

for my mother, too.

___________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.

Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . . and if

you are feeling amorous afterwards . . then I will certainly at least

remember the name and recommend it to others.

___________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought

what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of

shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is

fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

___________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I

will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the

cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the

rest. Like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what

to do next.

This has been a public service message for women to better

understand men.

Type in a command and see what happens ... Beg, Sit, roll over, down, dance, jump, Shake, fetch, play dead etc. And... it's also cute if you type in a command that's not recognized!

make sure you ask for a kiss last

http://www.idodogtricks.com/index_flash.html Dog Tricks

The Value of Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think

about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their

dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish

and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hel_l happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they

wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the

history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the

wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does

not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

~ Cliff Clavin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

Bubba

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue Needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Darryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Darryl said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him

Over, and Gomer said, "Nope, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two <deleted>."

"What? He had two <deleted>?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, I never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had two <deleted>. Every time we went to town, folks would say, Here comes Bubba with them two <deleted>."

Subject: George Carlin's new rules for 2007

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations, and releases

from jail. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't

particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: LUCKY BASTARDS.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top

is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved

the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,

deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my

Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.

What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese

PASSING BY HER DAUGHTER'S BEDROOM DOOR, MOM HEARS A

STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. SHE OPENS THE

DOOR TO FIND HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT

WITH A VIBRATOR.

"WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?" ASKS MOM.

"MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS

THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND.

PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S DAD HEARS THE SAME BUZZ COMING

FROM INSIDE HER BEDROOM. HE OPENS THE DOOR TO FIND

HER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR.

"DAD, I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS

ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE,

GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER MOM COMES HOME FROM SHOPPING

AND HEARS A BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES,

THE LIVING ROOM. SHE FINDS HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE

COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV WITH

THE VIBRATOR NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING AWAY.

"WHAT THE hel_l ARE YOU DOING?" SHE ASKS.

"WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW!"

Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches, while pennies and nickels do not?

A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.

*********************************************************

Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?

A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

*********************************************************

Q: Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?

A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

*********************************************************

Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called "passing the buck"?

A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would "pass the buck" to the next player.

*********************************************************

Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?

A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would then touch or clink the host's glass with his own.

*********************************************************

Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be "in the limelight"?

A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage lighting by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theater, performers on stage "in the limelight" were seen by the audience to be the center of attention.

*********************************************************

Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use "mayday"as their call for help?

A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning "help me" - and is pronounced "mayday,"

*********************************************************

Q: Why is someone who is feeling great "on cloud nine"?

A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

*********************************************************

Q: Why are Zero scores in tennis called "love"?

A: In France, where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called "l'oeuf," which is French for "egg". When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans pronounced it "love."

*********************************************************

Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?

A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense, orange clay called "pygg". When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as "pygg banks." When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

*********************************************************

Q: Why are they called "Caddies"

A: When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl (for education & survival), Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scot game "golf." So he had the first golf course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French the word "cadet" is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into "caddie."

Three old Ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet

conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude, also, had a stroke.

Tilly, being the oldest, and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

lost it mate -10

infrequently or

in frequently

ELDERLY SEX

An elderly couple, who were both widowed,

had been going out with each other for a

long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided

it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner

and had a long conversation regarding how

their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements

and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided

it was time to broach the subject of their

physical relationship. "How do you feel about

sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully,

"I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment,

then, looking over his glasses, he casually

asked,

"Is that one word or two words?"

ACTUAL LETTERS TO LANDLORDS

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand on this?

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

7. Our toilet seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

8. The person next door has a large erection in his backyard which is

unsightly and dangerous.

9. Will you please send someone to repair our cracked sidewalk?

Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

10. Our kitchen floor is very damp; we have two children and would like a

third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color

and not fit to drink.

12. Could you please send someone to fix the faucet in our bathtub. My

wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us this way.

13. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at

5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

14. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new

drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the

job and keep my wife happy.

After getting married, a couple goes to a hotel to consummate their vows.

When the man removed his shoes and socks, his toes were disfigured.

“What happened,” the wife remarked.

“When I was a child I had a disease called Tolio.”

“You mean Polio,” she said..

“No, Tolio, which only affects the toes,” he answered.

He then removed his pants which showed his knees all lumped up.

“What happened to your knees,” she asked.

“Kneesles, he answered. She said , “you mean measles, don’t you?”

“No Kneesles only affect the knees.”

He then removed his underwear and she looked at his thing and said,

“Don’t tell me. You also had Small Cox!”

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were

quite humorous.....

A physician claimed that the following are actual

comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing

their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone

before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not

up there?"

It's the summer of 1959 and Harold

goes to pick up his date, Jerri Sue.

Harold's a pretty hip guy with his

own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Jerri Sue's

father answers and invites him in.

"Jerri Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you

have a seat?" he says. That's cool.

Jerri Sue's father asks Harold what they

are planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably

just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Jerri Sue's father responds,

"Why don't you kids go out and screw?

I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a

surprise to Harold and he says,

"Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Jerri Sue's father,

"We know Jerri Sue really likes to screw;

why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear.

Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Jerri Sue comes downstairs

in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes,

and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts

his date out the front door while Dad is saying,

"Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled

Jerri Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door

behind her and screams at her father:

"Dammit, Daddy! The Twist!

It's called the Twist!"

touched me

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So

named because he had only one testicle He hated that name and asked

everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,

"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good

morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the

forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to

her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a

woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for

many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin , was overjoyed when she saw

Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????............................

And the moral is

............You can't kill two birds with one stone.

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"######!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" "

Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans

come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

"Fat Head"

A husband, wife and a son walk into an

ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have

a chocolate." The wife says "I'll have a

vanilla."

Then the dad slaps his son in the back

of the head and says, "What do you want,

fat head?"

The lady helping them says, "Why did

you hit him in the back of the head and

call him fat head?"

The husband says, "There are three things

in life a man wants: The first thing is a nice

big truck. And you see that nice big truck

sitting out there??? That's my nice truck!!!

The second thing in life a man wants is a

nice big house. You seen that nice big

house on top of the hill on the edge of

town? That's my big house!!!

The third thing in life a man wants is a

nice tight pussy, and I had that until fat

head came along!!!

eat me

Place your mouse cursor on his nose.

Super Alvino is Almost Here.

hmmmmm

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs

who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This

doesn't rhyme and I don't give a <deleted>.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)