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Tas
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Posts posted by Tas
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It will be interesting to find out how Thaivisa members have mixed Thai and Foreign children. See poll.
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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives...... "
"Hey, coola down lady," said one of the men. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi."
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To My Dearest Wife,
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days.
The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbours will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
Reply by Wife
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times
Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
Came in your pyjamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"
Love, Your Wife
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Some of the Craziest News items I have read on the net.
CRAZY WORLD
A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a lizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.
Understandably, he shot her.
********
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
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An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
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A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came.
And I was just checking ...
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When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.
This time it worked.
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The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.
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A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.
Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”
********
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According to today’s regulators & bureaucrats, we kids of the 70s and early 80s
probably shouldn’t be alive today:
1. Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which we promptly chewed and licked off.
2. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
3. When we rode our bikes we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent spokey dokey’s on our wheels.
4. We would ride in cars with no seatbelts or airbags and sitting in the front was a treat.
5. We drank water from puddles and garden hoses, not from a bottle – and it tasted the same.
6. We ate chips, sweets, drank fizzy juice with sugar in it but we were never fat because we were outside playing.
7. We shared one drink with 4 friends, drinking from the same bottle, and no-one actually died from this.
8. We spent hours building go carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find we forgot the brakes. After crashing into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
9. We would leave home in the morning and play all day long as long as were back before dark. No-one was able to reach us and no-one minded.
10. We didn’t have playstations, x-boxes or video games. There weren’t 99 channels on the TV, no DVD’s, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers and no internet chat rooms.
11. We had friends and we went outside to find them. We played bulldogs and street rounders and sometimes that ball really hurt.
12. We fell out of trees and off walls and even broke bones but there were no law suits.
13. We had full fist fights but weren’t prosecuted by other parents.
14. We played knock door run and were actually afraid that we might get caught.
15. We walked to each other’s houses and believe it or not, to school! We didn’t rely on Mummy and Daddy driving us round the corner.
16. We made up games with sticks and balls.
17. We rode on bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.
18. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of – they actually sided with the law!
19. We had freedom, failure, success & responsibility – and we learned to deal with it.
Today, the “Uptown Girl” they know is by Westlife and not Billy Joel. They have never heard of Bananarama, Nena or Belinda Carlisle. For them, there has only ever been one Germany and one Vietnam. AIDS has existed since they were born. CD’s have existed since they were born. Michael Jackson has always been white. To them, John Travolta has always been a lard ass and not the God of dance we know and love! They believe that Charlie’s Angels and Mission Impossible are films from last year. They could never imagine life without a computer. They’ll never have pretended to be The A-Team, The Kids from Fame or the Redhand Gang. They’ll never have asked Jim to fix it or written into Why Don’t You with a cool tip. They can’t believe that Black & White TV ever existed and don’t even know how to switch on a TV without a remote control. And they will never, never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone!!!
Yes, my friend – you too are getting old!!!!!!
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Hi P.K.
Very funny photos. I have posted all these before on my Blog before.
Still brings tears to my eyes laughing
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1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
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One morning around 5am 22 year old Susan DeLucci of Kittery, Maine, woke up with a painful need to urinate. At first she thought she had diarrhoea, but when she stood up out of bed, she realised that it was urinary pain. It was very similar to the feeling of having diarrhoea, just out the wrong hole.
She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting on it, her vagina erupted into the most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever heard. In paralysing pain, Ms. DeLucci for the next few minutes continued to push and squirt out of her vagina a burning tide of wretch and filth while she gripped the sides of the toilet, white-knuckled.
She was screaming wildly, and the neighbours called the police. When medics arrived they found Ms. DeLucci unconscious lying on the floor of her bathroom wearing nothing but her bathrobe. Running down her leg, was a stream of brown and green syrup.
The medic had to transfer her to a stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg which was bent crossing her other leg, to straighten her out. She was lying there all twisted up. When he lifted her left leg to straighten her body out, he exposed her vagina at which point a creature, no larger than the tip of a finger wormed its way out of her genitals and landed on the floor with a wet popping sound.
Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was lying on the tile bathroom floor in a casing of mucous. It was a tiny mud shrimp and it sat there on the cold floor gasping for water while flipping itself back and forth. The horrified medic turned to the toilet as he felt the nausea setting in.
When he put his face down into the toilet to puke what he saw was so horrific that to this day he cannot look into a toilet without convulsing. The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp flipping and splashing at a furious pace.
If you think that is bad - wait until you hear how it happened:
Ms. DeLucci's death was the result of a combination of shock and severe head trauma. She stood up over the toilet in pain and when she saw what she had done, she went into shock and fell, smashing her head on the toilet and then on the floor.
It is believed by police that two nights before the accident she had purchased a live lobster at a fish market. While lying in a tub, she gently inserted the creature's tail into her vagina to derive physical pleasure.
At that point, she held a lighter under the creature's face causing it to flip its tail in a violent snapping motion. The medics found a lesbian porno video in the VCR and the TV was positioned on a table in front of the tub.
The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can wrapped in a paper bag. Traces of Ms. DeLucci's DNA were found on the lobster along with pubic hairs that had wedged themselves between the lobsters' tail joints. The lobster's face was lightly burned with the same fuel used in lighters. The lobster's digestive track and colon were found to be full of mud shrimp egg casings.
Doctors believe that the lobster had eaten them (they are common in the water at fish markets and are usually harmlessly boiled to death) and the lobster had crapped them out into Ms. DeLucci's vagina when she was torturing it.
Maine mud shrimp only take two days to gestate and Ms. DeLucci was only four days away from getting her period. Doctors believe that at that point of her menstrual cycle, her womb was the perfect PH balance to grow these mud shrimp, which are a much larger version of the popular "Sea Monkey" pets sold throughout the US.
Overnight the eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp began doubling in size every ten minutes!!!
You can imagine the pain she was in when she woke up that morning and gave birth to well over 1,000 mud shrimp in her toilet.........
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"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel
shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers
in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't
drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams
would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I
drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish
and worry about my liver."
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in
the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think
not."
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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we
go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine
invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
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Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done
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Anyone know the reason they give you red license plates for the first month you own a new car here ? Then you get white ones to replace them.
Is this for everyone or just farangs ?
Thanks
Hi Paul,
The red plate are issued to anyone (Thai or Farang) who buys a new car. These are garage plates and are replaced by white plates after the car has been registered on the Goverment & Police Computers. You might have seen some car driven around with no plates at all, this is because the new owners don't pay extra to have the red plates. I hope I have answered your question.
Tas.
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This is creepy!
Think of a letter between
A and W.
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Repeat it out loud as
you scroll down.
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Keep going ............................ . .
Don't stop . . ..
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Think of an animal
that begins with that letter.
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Repeat it out loud
as you scroll down.
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Think of either a man's/woman's
name that begins with the last letter
in the animals name
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Almost there........
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Now count out the letters in
that name on the fingers
of the hand you are not
using to scroll down.
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Take the hand you counted
with and hold it out in front
of you at face level
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Look at your palm
very closely and
notice the lines
in your hand
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Do the lines take the
form of the first letter
in the persons name?
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Of course they <deleted>**in don’t.......
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Now smack yourself in the head,
get a life, and quit playing
stupid games!
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Don't tell the secret to others!
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Why ARE Men Happier?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom
because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a
nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000, Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to
them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes - One colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
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ONE-POINT DARES
1. Run one lap around the office at top speed
2. Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).
3. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, ‘’Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye.’’
5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your head.
6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9. While riding in a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINTS DARES
1. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT DARES
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem - (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
5. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, Mon". Keep this up for one hour.
6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, d*mn it, all of you just shut up!"
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
9. In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:
Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".
13. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
15. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.
18. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.
And if that wasn't enough for you - here are some examples of insane acts you can use anywhere...
1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the subject field for all your e-mails, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS".
7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, Run for your lives, they're loose!"
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity...
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Directions:
1. Start at London Heathrow Airport.
2. Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
3. Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
4. Start going toward the “Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" - follow for 0.2 miles.
5. Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" – follow for 0.3 miles
6. Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North Airport Exit" - follow for 2.9 miles
7. Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2 miles
8. Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles
9. "US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles
10. Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for104.0 miles
11. "US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles
12. Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles
13. Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles
14. Take "E exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5miles
15. Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles
16. Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1miles
17. Arrive at the centre of town.
Scroll down
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Now that's the way to f*cking Amarillo!
SO CAN EVERYONE PLEASE STOP SINGING IT NOW . . .
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THINGS THAT CHANGE WHEN YOU LEAVE UNIVERSITY:
1. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep
2. Having sex in a single bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
5. You don't volunteer for clinical trials at the local hospital.
6. You know all of the people sleeping in your house.
7. You hear your favourite song in the lift at work.
8. Informative TV does not include Richard and Judy.
9. The bank manager doesn't write threatening letters any more.
10. You carry an umbrella.
11. Seven-day benders are no longer realistic.
12. You don't go to Tesco with all your friends.
13. You have standing orders and direct debits.
14. The heating works in your house.
15. Your friends marry and divorce instead of get together and
break-up.
16. You pay the government thousands of pounds every year.
17. You go from 130 days of holidays to 20.
18. Jeans and a jumper no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
19. You're the one calling the police because those ###### kids
next door won't turn down the stereo.
20. You get out of bed in the morning even if it's raining.
21. Washing up is not an annual ritual.
22. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around
you.
23. You don't know what time the kebab shop closes anymore.
24. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
25. You feed your dog 'Pal' instead of McDonalds.
26. You don't get ideas for drinks from local tramps.
27. You don't put half-finished curries in the fridge to eat
later.
28. You don't spend half your day strategically planning pub
crawls.
29. You "hate scrounging students".
30. You no longer have a strange attraction to road signs when
drunk.
31. Sleeping in the lounge is a no-no.
32. You can't persuade your flat mates to 'Drink till dawn'.
33. You don't spend Wednesday afternoons in the pub.
34. You always know where you are when you wake up.
35. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
36. A fire in the kitchen is not a laugh.
37. You go to the chemist for Panadol and antacids, not condoms
and pregnancy test kits.
38. A £3 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
39. You can remember the name of the person you wake up next to.
40. Your fantasies of having sex with three women with lesbian tendencies are replaced by fantasies of having sex with anyone.
41. You don't have mice living in your kitchen.
42. Grocery lists are longer than pot noodles & cans of lager.
43. You don't go to Liquor Save to buy Vodka.
44. You have vacuumed.
45. Breaking the law means doing 40 in a 30 zone.
46. 'I just can't drink the way I used to' replaces 'I'm never
going to drink that much again'.
47. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for
48. You don't experiment with banned substances.
49. You don't get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a
pub.
50. Lunchtime is not 'the morning'.
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists ... two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"
The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks,” she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
-
If you right click and select zoom you don't have to look at those stupid flower pots.
The ball is on the far left and then the far right. You get it right one time and then alternate left and right ends. Can still Concentrate on the FLOWERS and still get the ball in the right place!!
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1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (I wish I had!)
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 21.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine . . . They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Naan, just killed a man
poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna throw it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back from the loo by this time tomorrow
Curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Bottom aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooh, ooh
This dopiaza is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.
[guitar solo]
I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicy
Meat!
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a naan
(A vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again
(There he goes)
Coming back again
(up again)
Here it comes again.
(No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor meee.. poor meeee...poor MEEEEEE!
[guitar solo]
So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.
[guitar solo]
[slow bit]
Korma or dopiaza
bhaji, naan or saag
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meee....
(Any way the wind blows....shshshsh)
-
I originally had a contract through September 30, 2005 so that's the date on the visa in my passport. I choose to exercise the early termination provision in the contract and ended the contract on April 30.
I was told by another teacher in the same situation that the school already went to MOL and had the WP cancelled on May 4.
How long do I have to exit the country?
Hi BusEng,
According to the Visa laws, you have a DAY to leave LOS. You have to apply for an extension on your VISA. I had the same problem when I cancelled my WP and I did get a month's Visa extension with a letter from my new employer.
Hope you get your visa sorted.
Tas.
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1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.
5. Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6. Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's Mine!"
7. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8. Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
9. Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
10. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
11. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
15. Swat at flies that don't exist.
16. Tell people that you can see their aura.
17. Call out, "Group Hug!” and then enforce it.
18. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"
19. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
20. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
21. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your One of THEM!" and back away slowly.
22. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
23. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".
26. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"
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To: ALL EMPLOYEES of B.A.
Re: REVISED RETIREMENT POLICY
B.A. (Beancounter Airlines) announces the following important changes to its retirement policy for aircrew employees:-
As a result of the reduction in money budgeted for departmental purposes, we are going to out down on our number of Personnel.
Under the plan, older employees will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be put into effect immediately. The program will to known as RAPE. (Retire Aged Persons Early)
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to work other jobs within the system. Provided that they are being RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of operation is called SCREW. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers)
All employees who have been RAPED and SCREWED may also apply for a trial service. This will be called SHAFT. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Progress policy dictates employees may be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but may get the SHAFT as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee fills the above requirements, he will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings of Retired Persons Employment Service) and AIDS (Assured incentive Disbursement for Service). HERPES/AIDS is considered a bonus plan as the employee can no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.
SIGN-UP FOR ADDITIONAL TRAINING
It is now, and always has been, the policy of the Company to ensure that employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training ( SHIT). We have given our employees more SHIT than any other Company in this area. If any employee feels he/she does not receive SHIT on the job, see your immediate Supervisor immediately. Our management are especially trained to assure you that you will get all the SHIT you can stand.
-
IF SHE'S BEEN FLYING FOR ONE MONTH
She blushes at dirty jokes
She wants to marry a captain
She thinks that a flight attendant's work leaves her intelligent
She reads 'What Every Girl Should Know'
She thinks all men are nice
She wears her wings with pride
IF SHE'S BEEN FLYING FOR SIX MONTHS
She smiles at dirty jokes
She wants to marry a second officer
She thinks that a flight attendant's work leaves her fairly intelligent
She reads 'How to Win Friends and Influence People'
She thinks some men are nice
She wears her wings happily
IF SHE'S BEEN FLYING FOR ONE YEAR
She laughs at dirty jokes
She wants to marry a ramp agent
She thinks that a flight attendant's work leaves her intelligent enough
She reads 'The Art of Love'
She hopes some men are nice
She wears her wings doubtfully
IF SHE'S BEEN FLYING FOR THREE YEARS
She tells dirty jokes
She wants to marry a man
She thinks that a flight attendant's work leaves her a little intelligence
She reads 'How to Live Alone and Like It'
She knows all men are not nice
She still wears her wings
IF SHE'S BEEN FLYING FOR FIVE YEARS
She invents dirty jokes
She wants to marry
She would rather not have to think
She reads 'To Have and to Hold'
She would rather wear a ring
IF SHE'S BEEN FLYING FOR TEN YEARS
She is the girl in the dirty jokes
She wants to marry, "but after all, is it really necessary?"
She can't think
She reads 'Fact is Better Than Fiction'
She is glad all men are not nice
She wears a mink
Children
in General Topics
Posted
The question is: How many Thaivisa members have Thai and Farang mixed race children?
I missed 'many' in the original question.
Tas