zint

and i doubt she would leave me if they didn't get the car, as last time we discussed it i said i couldn't do it right now (thats how i said it and that was probably the mistake) and she broke down crying and saying if i'm angry at her she would move out, etc. and that she was sorry for making me sad and she understood. but if i wanted her to stay she would stay. so she ended up staying (obviously i didnt want her to leave) and the issue got dropped...now its being brought up again. sigh.

Just asked my Thai friend if he had heard of a 900k car for parents being used as sinsod...asked me how that is supposed to help the wife, and then asked me why I have such stupid friends.

No offence.

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no problem, i find it ridiculous too, thats why i obviously haven't done it yet. i'm okay with paying for the wedding and something for the parents, too..but nothing extreme. we're both still young and i have to secure our future as well, which i've told them a few months ago after which the issue got dropped and didnt hear about it again until now. i'm a little worried they will drop the wedding if they dont get the car or whatever, but i also doubt it after us living together already for over a year.

her parents are expecting a 900,000 baht car as the "wedding gift" to them.

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OMG, Zint, what sort of a pickle have you got yourself into.

Firstly, the subject of "sin sod" has come up many times and you will get various views, of "stuff em" right the way through to "pay em, you cheap charlie". Although i can't see many people saying the cheap charlie one on this topic. Whatever peoples views are, about sin sod (wether it should be paid or not) and as to how much, it's quite irrelevant here. You find yourself in a "face saving" predicament, as opposed to "how much for the sin sod" predicament.

If you truly love this girl and want to marry her and don't want her to lose face with her parents and her parents not lose face to the village etc. You need to find a solution that best fits for all. For instance, they don't lose face and you don't lose 900k baht.

My view of sin sod is about "showing off" wealth etc. Now this doesn't necessarily mean the parents keeping that wealth, as in many cases, once it has been "shown" it's given back to the "happy couple". Therefore, is there any way you could reason with them, that you will show a cheque, or cash to that value on the day of the wedding but they would then have to give it back to you. However, you will try to help them purchase a car in the future. They could then gloat to all the villagers about the money and save face. A little later before people start to ask "where is the car" her parents could make up a story about how they decided to help you and your wife buy your first house instead of wasting the money on a car, gaining even more face for doing such a kind thing etc. etc.

Just a suggestion, you don't have to agree with this Zint, i'm just trying to offer some alternative thinking to your issue.

All the best anyway.

MrBoJ

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I think this is excellant advice. I would say the correct dowry for your girl would be around the 200-300k mark. 900k is too much.

You do have a face saving issue though, and if you really love each other you can settle this. You should offer 999,999 baht at the wedding, Cash.

Before had though you should make it clear that you would like 700-800k returned, the rest can go as a contribution to the car.

The excuse above about the family saving the money instead of buying the car, is a good one. The money has been shown, you have proved yourself, if the family don't agree to this, they are greedy. Showing a cool 1m will gain everyone a lot of face, and that is a great excuse for them, there are many others.

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that sounds good. what about the party? are the parents responsible or..?

i greatly appreciate everyone's input and advice, thank you so much for that. i know some about thai customs, etc. but certainly not everything. i know that 900k is too much and 5k may not be enough, but thats about as much as i know on that. for the wedding party, i thought that its up to the couple to pay for it and then get (at least part of) the money back through gifts from the invited guests. i may be wrong here, i dont know. i have my own business that i'm currently expanding so i'd rather invest the money there than in the car, obviously.

Actually zint, if you had the money would you buy them the car?  If so then just write them out an IOU...and give them a picture of the pickup to stick on the wall and look at in the meantime.

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i actually have the money to buy them the pickup truck for 900k baht if i wanted to, but the issues is i'd rather invest it in my career at this point than spending it all on the truck and then struggling with my career, not knowing if we'll have food the next day (well, not as bad but you get the point). thanks for all your advice, i'll just tell them straight the pickup truck thing isn't happening. i'm already paying for the wedding party (around 100k baht) and all our living costs and university ...

i'm not going to live on soup and dry bread until the car is paid off, either.

If she cares for you enough she wouldn't demand the money to pay for her families "wedding present". Anyway I've heard of presents of 50,000 baht but not new cars for parents, and you've already paid out alot for this girl anyway. I don't know alot about thai marriage but something here is telling me there is something wrong. If she still goes on about the car even when you have told her your situation then IMO I don't think she is being fair. I'd tell her again more firmly that you can not afford to be paying for a new car for her parents as you've given enough as it is.

And if her and the family continue then I'm sorry but she isn't thinking about your opinions and you should reconsider if thats the type of girl you wish to marry. And the type of family you want for the rest of your married life because I don't think demands like that will stop.

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i'm afraid of that, too. i have told her some months ago that the car thing won't be happening right now and the topic dissapeared from the table, but now that the wedding nears its coming back up. sigh

Discuss that with your girlfriend first.If she told her parents that they will get a car as sinsod and they won´t, she´ll lose face to her parents.

She´d rather split up with you than losing face to her parents.

Appartement,food etc doesn´t count as you are the boyfriend and so it´s expected that you take care of her expenses.

If you can buy yourself out of following demands in the future get them the car.

If you were a big mouth: som na na

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it went something like this:

1. plans of getting married.

2. she: "can you buy a car for mom and dad?". me: "not right now, we can talk about it in the future".

3. months later: "mom and dad want to know about the car when we get married"

(somewhere in between 1. and 4. dad talks about the car in the village)

4. me: "i cant buy the car right now, i have the money for it but i cant do it right now, we need it for other things"

5. tears from her, but she tells me we have to find a way to get the car for the wedding.

i dont see this happening, though.

and this thread isn't a "troll" by the way even though the amount seems insane, its all accurate. i realize they contributed to her education etc. up until i met her and i'm prepared to give something back, but not a 900k car. i've heard from others in the village that he's (her dad) already talked about getting a car - so i'm worried about them losing face as well, though i also understand its his problem for telling everybody.

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now you do have a problem

daddy losing face in front of the villagers for spouting his mouth of

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yeah thats the biggest problem right now i think. apparently he was talking about it even before i knew it and my girlfriend is now obviously trying to save his face at the wedding, but i dont see this happening...

yeah i think its over the top, too. i mean even if i paid 100k upfront for the car and then in monthly rates, i still think its crazy to buy a 900k car. i dont see the point. but i'm trying to find a way to tell my girlfriend and her family without offending them, especially her. 

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If its a car they need, why does it have to be a 900k car ? why not 500k...

I think thats way over the top, start bartering.

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its a huge pickup truck they apparently need for the farm. i'm definitely not buying the 900k car even if it means scrapping the wedding. i'd rather invest this money to build my career at this point and support my family in the future (we're both in our 20's) and i've told this to my girlfriend. she then came up with the "paying for the car monthly" idea but i'm also not ready to pay 10k-20k every month for the next few years for a car.

and this thread isn't a "troll" by the way even though the amount seems insane, its all accurate. i realize they contributed to her education etc. up until i met her and i'm prepared to give something back, but not a 900k car. i've heard from others in the village that he's (her dad) already talked about getting a car - so i'm worried about them losing face as well, though i also understand its his problem for telling everybody.

yeah i think its over the top, too. i mean even if i paid 100k upfront for the car and then in monthly rates, i still think its crazy to buy a 900k car. i dont see the point. but i'm trying to find a way to tell my girlfriend and her family without offending them, especially her.

here's the deal. i've known my thai girlfriend for almost two years and we've been living together since about 6 months into our relationship. she goes to quite a good university here, previously paid for by her family, now paid by me for almost a year. we're planning on getting married sometime by the end of this year but the deal is ..her parents are expecting a 900,000 baht car as the "wedding gift" to them. i told both the parents and my girlfriend a few months ago that we'd talk about it when the time comes but currently i dont have the money (or better, i need it for my career) to buy that type of car, neither paid in cash or paid in monthly rates. now as the wedding date is getting nearer, she says that her dad is still expecting the car, etc. etc. and that she wants to get this over with so that we don't owe anything anymore for the family and so on.

the problem is, i dont see myself buying this car for them anytime in the near future, but i still want to marry her, because i love her. we dont have a huge load of money and she knows it and doesnt care, but the car issue won't go away.

now, i explained to her that i pay for our apartment (where she lives in for over a year now), university (which her family doesnt need to pay for since over a year), food, clothing, etc. for her. on top of that, i really can't afford a car right now.

what is my best "excuse" to get out of the whole car buying deal but still going ahead with the wedding? we already discussed the showing of the money (99,999 baht) at the wedding and that goes back to us after the wedding, so the only thing the parents expect is the 900,000 baht car...but that seems a little extreme to me.

oh yeah, she's a "country girl" but has been to university in Bangkok for a year before i met her. (no, not a bargirl - if you're wondering). her parents own quite a large farm up country but they're still average/poor people.

any advice would be greatly appreciated.