Final Farang

Like most foreigners here I just want to be charged the same as locals, not be actively ignored by staff when entering an establishment, not be a prime target for scams and not treated as a transient criminal by immigration after a decade of employing locals and paying more taxes than most Thais pay in their lifetime. I don't want anyone to worship the ground I walk on, I just want to be treated with the same decency that Thais extend to each other.

I know my bank account wouldn't survive for long. Those things are 600 baht a pill at my local pharmacies. Mind sharing where you get yours from?

Some years ago I was in a similar boat. Made many threads here (under a different handle) just like OP about my disconnect with Thais, lack of friendships, nobody smiling, nobody giving a rats <deleted> about me, etc. The responses here made me feel even worse, like there was something fundamentally wrong with me and that I should stop whinging and just leave (which I couldn't and still can't because all I have is my business which I built here). I still harbor many of the same negative thoughts today. But there were a few changes I made that made my life vastly more enjoyable: - stopped drinking altogether. It was screwing with my sleep, left me drained and made it easier for me to make poor decisions. - started taking exercise and fitness seriously. When you're proud of and love your body it loves you back. There is simply no substitute for the benefits you get from a hard workout. I tried a lot of things and found combat sports and trail running to be my thing. - started taking regular international trips. This helped to put things in perspective and reminded me that nowhere is perfect and people are ultimately people no matter where you go. - got myself a brand new big bike that I love driving everywhere. I'm a naturally anxious person so being on the roads in Thailand is a constant reminder of mortality. Helps me to be aware and prioritize the important things in life. Road trips in Northern Thailand can bless you with some of the most beautiful scenery on the planet. - shopped for new clothes and shoes. As I lost weight and got into shape I started getting compliments and caught attractive people checking me out. Dressing well took it to another level. Thais are very image conscious and looking decently sharp did a lot to boost my confidence and the quality of interactions I have. Thanks to good fitness, clothes and nutrition I'm in my mid 30s but pass for mid 20s all the time. Sounds vain but at the end of the day it helps me feel better about life. - started dating high quality women who were a decade younger than me. My previous long term relationship wasn't bad but we were the same age and she did little to match my masculine energy with the little femininity she had. Emphasis on "dating" here - not pay for play or short term casual relationships. I prefer to nurture intense emotional connections with high quality women (ie caring, feminine, beautiful, ambitious, fit, young women) over quick flings. This showed me that there are plenty of wonderful kindhearted people here who try to make the best of life despite having very little. Being in love with those women was a humbling experience for me and motivated me to become a better person. - took time to research what weed to stay away from. Found out I was aggravating my neuroses with the wrong grass. Some people can smoke anything and feel great. I need stuff with low THC and high CBD. Helps to relieve tension and give myself some mental breathing room. Anything else puts me in a hole of pain. - took up Thai lessons. Yes, it's a convoluted language with questionable utility outside of Thailand. But even knowing just a few zoomer meme phrases goes a long way to foster interesting conversations. - got serious about time management and scheduling. It's very easy to let yourself go in Thailand. I find I'm the most fulfilled when I have lots of responsibilities and grind through them with the help of productivity apps. Time blocking, routines, pomodoro technique, journaling, stretching, meditating, reading, etc consistently puts me in a great mood. - got better at making money. I wasn't reaching my earning potential previously and this is something I'm taking seriously now. I still spend the same amount as before but having a bit of extra cash gives me breathing room. It's important to feel like you have options even if you choose not to take them. - fixed my relationship with my family. My siblings and I grew up separately, occasionally seeing each other for Christmas get-togethers. There wasn't a lot of heart to heart talks in my family. It was difficult reconnecting with everyone but once I did it grounded me. Made me remember there's someone just like me on the other side of the world who's going through similar problems. Someone with whom I share a deep bond. Not everyone has that luxury and it was good to remember that I do. - made an effort to talk to strangers when I'm outside. Something small but it helps me get out of my head. Even something seemingly insignificant like asking for directions or what's good on the menu reminds me that I share this world with other human beings. My life here is still far from perfect. No I still don't have any friends other than a few guys I play online video games with. Yes I still hate soi dogs, trash, burning season and Thai people's penchants for irresponsibility. But things are way better now. I no longer have daily suicidal thoughts. Stuff still drives me up the wall but I've learned to step back and ask myself if stressing over it will make anything better (something I learned from observing Thais which us Westerners could really benefit from). I'm no longer obsessed with the thought of where else I should move to. In fact I'm now entertaining the idea of parenthood with a sweet girl I've been going steady with. It's something that was unimaginable for me just 5 years ago. After a decade of hating my life here I'm finally starting to see the wisdom of happy old farts in Thailand. OP, don't give up. If an uneducated neurotic opinionated selfish brainlet like myself can learn to change and find the beauty in living here I'm sure you can too. Give yourself permission to grieve and wallow in self pity, pain and loneliness. It's ok. Then when you're feeling ready take the first step to creating a better life for yourself. That step doesn't need to be big. It should be manageably small and easy for you to do. Then take another one. And another. Some people land here and find themselves in perpetual Nirvana. Not us. People like us have to work on it. I will add that I should have listened to advice by members here and sought out a therapist. It would have greatly sped up my progress and helped me see the validity of my suffering from someone else's perspective. Instead I chose to clench my teeth and grind through it alone. I came dangerously close to taking my own life on a few occasions. The things you're feeling are normal. But you're unlikely to find the answers you seek on a forum like this. Neither will you find them through self medication. Pills can give you breathing room but it's temporary and comes with side effects. The goal should be slow gradual adjustment to a sustainably satisfying life. This option is arguably more difficult since it requires internal change. It's up to each of us to decide whether we're up to that challenge. Are you?