JaiYenSabai

Thank You for the encouraging words, and I also hear the warning alarm bells, I'm being careful!!

Today I'm having more mixed feelings but I am at least confronting them and taking the time to listen to what's going on in my head. What is bothering me the most today is that I'm not yet willing to say that I am powerless against alcohol. To say this is totally against every belief that I have of controlling my own life. I'm a tough guy, independent, succesful.. sure I've failed before at many things, but I haven't (really) even tried quitting/controlling my alcohol before, untill now.

I'm smart enough to know that not all drunks are the same. Not all drunks need to drink daily. Not all drunks hit bottom. I never hit bottom, I'm a binge drinker who sometimes blacks out, sometimes gets stupid and sometimes gets mean. This I need to stop! The question I have is do I want to stop binge drinking or completely stop drinking? Do I want to do it on my own or do I want/need to go to meetings for the rest of my life? Can I do it on my own is the biggest question of all! These are some of the things that are bothering me.

I geuss the first thing that I need to answer is am I really an alcoholic. I take the tests (questionares) and I normally fail but I'm sure that thousands of others do also. I found a test on the moderate drinking website last night and scored as somebody who has the potential to be a problem drinker, so which test is right?

I am positive of one thing, I have a drinking problem, that's what got me to AA and I am still very grateful to all those who are helping me, but at the same time I am very angry that I let myself get to the point that I had to ask for help!!

I hope that you guys will indulge my thoughts on my recently found sobriety. I find it theraputic to put my thoughts from keyboard to screen and maybe what I'm going through will help someone else who thinks they may have a problem.

I prefer to stay anonomous so I will not go in to specifics but I've had alot of emotions come out since I've given up the drink and wanted to share.

I knew that I had a problem for a long time but I did my best to control/hide it, but at the end of the day I don't think that I was hiding anything, ecspecially from the people around me. My answer to that was to sorround myself with people who were just as self destructive as me(not hard to find in LOS). That worked for a long time untill I finally realised that I was completely losing control of myself and abusing the people around me , not the drinkers, but the people who really cared about me. Thank goodness it never got phisical but I know myself how painful mental abuse can be, so I sought help.

I want to say again that my sobriety is recent and I'm still trying to focus ,to get to this point my answer has been AA, but I am having mixed feelings about that. When I get them sorted I will let you know. What I have found in AA is people who are willing to give of themselves, to tell you their story, how they got there and how bad they want to stay sober. I learned pretty fast that speaking of your experiences helped you and the people that were listening, I believe that it's a win win situation.

This is not an AA "Rah Rah" thread it is my own personal experience so far and how it's affected me. As I continue going to meetings I continue having mixed feelings, either I'm in denial or I'm not truly an alcoholic, that's something I will need to discover for myself. I will say that I have been honest and have not touched alcohol since the night before my first meeting.

One of the first things I learned was that I'm not alone, that gives me comfort, but I can't help but wonder if I can get well enough to drink again? The meetings to me are therapy, for once in my life I can talk about my feelings without being drunk. This is a very foreighn concept, I have been closed and gaurded all of my life, It's hard to admit weakness and express my feelings, but I'm doing it!!!

If you are thinking about getting help I encourage you to stop thinking and do it! You may just feel better. If you choose AA I will tell you right now there is nothing to fear. These guys won't bite, there main priority is to keep themselves sober but they will help you if you ask. If your mind is open to help then you better prepare yourself to learn that you are indeed human and not alone. As you listen to other people you will find that you are not as unique as you thought, there are others who are going through the same thing and there are many survivors who came back from hel_l.

I'm having an inner struggle right now because I would very much like to drink again in a controlled fashion. I've never made a serious attempt to do this. I have made half hearted attempts and failed every time, but I hope that I'm well enough to try again one day and really try to control it! I will not make a schedule to do this but I know in my heart that I need to be sober for at least 90 days to get my thoughts straight, after that amount of time I will revaluate to see what progree I have made, but no, I am not going to drink on my 91st day of sobriety. Setting a date like that to me is a recipe for destruction and failure, I know myself all too well, I won't do that!!

I'll stop for now, Thank You for listening.