Lewie London

Clock this madness, lads. Trump’s only gone and announced his latest load of shiny golden manure: a “Golden Dome” missile defense system. Sounds less like national security and more like a geezer’s knock-off vape shop in Slough. You half expect him to throw in a free doner kebab with every Patriot missile. He reckons this golden umbrella’s gonna save the Yanks from “next-generation threats.” What, like truth? Sanity? Basic governance? Rule of law? Maybe even democracy? And guess who’s been tapped to run this sci-fi farce? Some geezer from the bloody Space Force. Thought that was merely a p*sstake from a Ricky Gervais sketch. Now it’s apparently the backbone of Trump’s war plan. What next? Buzz Lightyear as Defence Secretary? Elon Musk supplying Mars lasers? It’s like Star Wars meets QVC: “Act now and get two golden domes for the price of one Mar-a-Largo cheeseburger, plus a free Trump golf course umbrella!” And now he’s bangin’ on about how this golden dome fantasy’s only gonna cost a cheeky $25 billion to kick off, tucked nice and quiet into his “One Big Beautiful Bill”, which, let’s be honest, sounds like something you’d name a dodgy geezer who does VAT scams out the back of a kebab van. But here’s the rub lads, the Congressional Budget Office’s piped up sayin’ the real cost could balloon to over $500 billion just for the space bits. Half a trillion quid so Trump can play Buck Rogers with taxpayer cash while tellin’ us it’s a bargain. Mate, for that money I want the dome to make me tea, give me a rub and a tug, and time-travel me back to when leaders weren’t absolute fruitcakes. And would you believe it, Canada’s stickin’ its polite little nose in now. Their defence minister’s pipin’ up sayin’ it’s in their “national interest.” Course it is, mate. Who wouldn’t wanna sit under a massive overpriced American umbrella built by the same crew that gave us exploding toilets and $300 army spanners? In a few years we’ll all be under Trump’s dome, drinkin’ radioactive rainwater and listenin’ to Kid Rock play the national anthem through a megaphone while Kanye twerks to the beat. But let’s not get twisted, this ain’t about defence. This is Trump doin’ what he always does best: buildin’ big tacky monuments to his own ego while tellin’ working people to eat dirt. You remember the wall? How’s that concrete catastrophe workin’ out? Bloke couldn’t even patch a small hole in one of his Chinese made MAGA red-caps, now he wants to wrap the world in a giant gold colander like it’s a bloody Christmas turkey. So while Donny plays galactic dictator with the US defence budget, the rest of the normal world is tryin’ to figure out if it can still afford a tin of beans that ain’t been tariffed to death. And meanwhile, real crises like healthcare and the maddening cost of housing in America still all get swept under the golden rug. Priorities, innit. https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cwy33n484x0o

So, Trump’s been on the blower with Putin for two bleedin’ hours, right? Goes on Truth Social after, boasting of great progress. But let’s be honest, mate, if that chat had any real substance, I’m the Queen of England. He’s now sayin’ that any deal to end the war’s gotta be between Ukraine and Russia, like he’s just the bloke passin’ the ball. Funny, innit? Just days ago, he was bangin’ on about how he needed to sit down with Putin to sort things out. Now he’s takin’ a backseat, actin’ like he’s not the one who’s been center stage all this time. Meanwhile, Putin’s playin’ hardball, still refusin’ to agree to a 30-day ceasefire and still demandin’ Ukraine give up territory and stay outta NATO. Zelensky’s not havin’ it, never was, obviously, and European leaders are lookin’ on, scratchin’ their gobs, wonderin’ what Trump’s actually bringin’ to the table. So, after all the fanfare, what’s changed? Nowt. Trump’s big, beautiful phone call turned out to be all mouth and no trousers. No breakthroughs, no real plans, just the same old song and dance. And while he’s busy patting himself on the back, the rest of us lot are left wonderin’ if he’s actually got a clue what he’s doin’. The Art of the Nothing Burger.

Have a butcher’s at this, lads: Trump and his GOP mates are pushin’ through a massive $3.8 trillion tax cut package, you know that, right? They’re actin’ like it’s a free pint for everyone, but Jim Millstein from Guggenheim Securities is shoutin’ from the rooftops that this could lead to a fiscal disaster if a recession hits. He’s sayin’ that the current $2.4 trillion annual US government deficit could balloon to $4 trillion. That’s not just a hole in the pocket; that’s your trousers fallin’ down in the middle of a fish market, mate. And get this, the whole plan assumes the economy’s gonna keep chuggin’ along nicely. But if we hit a rough patch, like we have in the past six recessions, tax revenues drop and government spendin’ goes up. It’s like bettin’ your last quid on a three-legged horse and expectin’ a win. Now, we all know last week Moody’s has gone and downgraded the U.S. credit rating from Aaa to Aa1, joinin’ the other agencies in sayin’ the U.S. ain’t as creditworthy as it used to be. But this ain’t just a slap on the wrist that Trump wants you to think; it’s a full-on kick up the backside, warnin’ that the country’s fiscal house is in disarray. And what’s Trump doin’? He’s still brushin’ it off, callin’ Moody’s a “lagging indicator” and focusin’ on takin’ shots at his political opponents on social media instead. Next thing we will be hearin' it was caused by the deep state, Hunter's laptop, Hillary's emails, and the usual rubbish tropes. Meanwhile, the bond market’s throwin’ a wobbly. Yields on the 30-year bond have breached 5%, the highest since November 2023. Investors are gettin’ jittery, and the dollar’s takin’ a hit. The brewing collapse is like watchin’ a pub brawl in slow motion where everyone’s too drunk to throw a proper punch. So, while Trump’s out there sellin’ this tax cut as a “beautiful” deal, the rest of the Yanks are left holdin’ the bill. It’s a classic case of the rich gettin’ richer and the man on the street gettin’ the short end of the stick.

So, remember Trump sayin' “I’ll end the Ukraine war in 24 hours,” chest puffed out like a rooster on coke. Well we’re well into his reign now, and what’s he done? Sweet eff all. Now, Vice President JD Vance is on Fox News sayin’ the U.S. might “walk away” from negotiations if Russia doesn’t start playin’ ball. Seems like the 24-hour peace plan has turned into a never-ending saga. Vance reckons Russia’s demands are off the charts, askin’ for territories they haven’t even taken yet. He says if the Russians aren’t serious, the U.S. will pack up and leave the table. But hang on, wasn’t Trump the one boastin’ he’d have this all sorted in a flash? Now his own VP’s admitin’ it’s a right mess. And Vance, bless him, is actin’ like he’s cracked geopolitics ’cause he read a blog post. “We need real movement from Russia,” he says. Bruv, the only movement you’re gettin’ is when Putin farts in your general direction. Meanwhile, Trump’s out here callin’ for a 30-day ceasefire, but Putin’s not havin’ it. Zelenskyy’s caught in the middle, tryin’ to keep his country from fallin’ apart while the U.S. flip-flops on its promises. It’s like watchin’ a pub brawl where the bloke who started it suddenly wants to play peacemaker. And let’s not forget, Trump’s the same geezer who paused military aid to Ukraine and suggested regime change in Kyiv. Now he’s actin’ like he’s the only one who can bring peace. It’s all a bit rich, yeah? So, next time Trump starts flappin’ his gums about quick fixes and easy wins, maybe take it with a pinch of salt. Seems like his grand plans are about as solid as a house of cards in a wind tunnel. Bloke can’t even negotiate a decent sandwich, let alone peace in Eastern Europe. At this rate, Ukraine’ll be sortin’ it themselves while the Yanks are still arguin’ over who gets the last chicken wing at Mar-a-Lago. Proper shambles, innit?

Lads, you ain’t gonna believe this one. Kid Rock, that crusty old bootlicker with a mullet and a MAGA fetish, only went and shut down his Big Ass Honky Tonk Rock N’ Roll Steakhouse in Nashville. Why? Cos ICE was circlin’ the block, and half his kitchen crew didn’t have the paperwork, if you catch me drift. Yeah, the same geezer always bangin’ on about “law and order” and “protect our borders” was sneakily usherin’ his chefs out the back before Uncle Sam slapped on the cuffs. You couldn’t script it. Word is, on a packed Saturday night, the management pulled the plug and told the undocumented lot to leg it before the Feds came crashin’ through the doors. All hush-hush, like. Turns out ICE nicked nearly 200 people across the area, most of ‘em with squeaky clean records. So much for goin’ after “the dangerous ones”, innit? Meanwhile, Mr. America First is in the kitchen whisperin’ “scarper, mate” to the very people flippin’ his steaks. It’s rich, innit? Bloke swans around like some patriotic prophet, wavin’ flags and takin’ selfies with Trump, then quietly relies on the same immigrants his idol wants deported. All that red, white and blue rubbish goes out the window when the profit margin’s lookin’ a bit dodgy. Big Ass Honky Tonk? More like Big Ass Bell End, if you ask me. And it ain’t just Kid Rock. His mate Steve Smith shut his joints too, soon as the ICE vans started prowlin’. Looks like the whole MAGA mob knows full well who’s really keepin’ their businesses tickin’. All talk on the telly, all panic out the back door. Honestly, it’s like watchin’ a panto where the villains write their own punchlines.

So now Trump’s gettin’ all misty-eyed and sendin’ warm wishes to Biden over the cancer news, yeah? Proper statesman act, all “Melania and I are deeply saddened” like he’s some kind of holy saint instead of the geezer who’s been callin’ the man senile, brain-dead, and a threat to the nation for the last five bleedin’ years. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t wish that diagnosis on me worst enemy, but Trump playin’ the sympathy card is like gettin’ hugged by a thief who just snatched your wallet. This is the same bloke who ran around for 4 years sayin’ Biden’s fit for the care home, called Jill his “handler,” and said the only thing he’s qualified to run is a bath. And now suddenly he’s Father Theresa, offerin’ thoughts and prayers like he ain’t spent half his life mockin’ anyone who shows weakness. I mean, it’s rich innit? Trump, the man who thinks empathy’s a brand of cologne. You can clock what this is really about though, can’t ya? He’s just tryna look presidential, play the nice guy card for the cameras while his son’s questioned how the cancer went undetected and implied a possible cover-up by First Lady Jill Biden. Rubbish innit. These lot couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery, let alone muster genuine compassion. It’s just another PR move from a bloke who treats tragedy like a photo op. If Trump had his way, Biden would be stuffed in a mobility scooter and wheeled into Guantanamo. But now it’s all, “Wishing you strength, Joe.” Pull the other one, mate. You ain’t foolin’ no one. Behind that fake grin’s a man already makin’ PowerPoint slides titled “Presidency For Life.” He’s not prayin’ for Biden’s recovery, he’s practisin’ his acceptance speech for another 4 years in 2028. So yeah, you’ll have to forgive me if I don’t light a candle for Trump’s newfound soul. The man’s about as genuine as a Thai Rolex. When the cameras turn off, he’s probably back to screamin’ “Sleepy Joe’s got woke tumours from Hunter's laptop” down at Mar-a-Lago over a well-done steak. Compassion, me arse.

Yesterday was another madd day. Rupert’s out here literally tryin’ to do the whole “cultural immersion” bit, full tilt. The lad didn't learn fark all from that dog's dinner he gobbled down at the market the other day. And now, he's wearin’ linen trousers like he’s about to open a yoga retreat and askin' me rubbish like if I’ve “found my inner centre.” I'm starting to think the blokes lost the plot. Then he says he's read another bit on a travel site about this “sacred village brew” made by spirits, mountain witches or some guff like that. I says, “Mate, if it comes in an old, reused M-150 bottle with a lizard packed in it, it’s probably not gettin’ reviewed on TripAdvisor.” But no, he’s determined. Says he wants the “real distilled taste of Thailand" experience, none of the usual Chang and Sangsom tat. Next thing I know, we’re sat on plastic stools in someone’s front yard just outside Mae Rim, surrounded by old uncles playin’ cards, chewin' up betel nut like it's gum-drops and shoutin’ at the noisy chickens runnin' round the gaff. One of the blokes pulls out a plastic jug filled with what looks like (used) mop water, and inside is this long, coiled centipede, floatin’ like it’s meditatin’ in a spirit bath. Just what Rupe was on about I reckon. So Rupe clocks it and goes, “Oiy, is all those legs symbolic, must be the real deal, eh Lewie?” I tells him, “Yeah, mate, symbolises you might wake up blind, but just YOLO it bruv.” Now he’s neckin’ it like it’s Ribena. Big gulps. Proper theatrical. Swirls it round his gob like he’s at a Napa Valley tasting. He goes, “Hmm, earthy." I says "Yeah, with notes of stale petrol, rancid Red Bull and decomposed chaos.” Three glasses in, his face starts meltin’ like candle wax. He’s sweatin’ like he’s in a confession booth, eyes goin’ two different directions, speakin’ in cursive. Stands up, tries to Wai the uncles, and instead walks straight into a clothesline, takin’ out some auntie's knickers and her Hello Kitty sock collection. Then he starts shoutin’ in French for no reason. Keeps yellin’ “Fromage!” at a dog. One of the uncles tries to give him water but he thinks it’s more moonshine and legs it behind a tree, mutterin’ something about Ayahuasca visions and the centipede bein’ his “spirit guide.” Eventually, we get him in a pickup and back to the hotel where he collapses into bed fully clothed, clutchin’ a camphor Yah-Dom inhaler like it’s a relic from the Ark of the Covenant. I head back to my flat. He spends the night blowing mince into his bog, whisperin' to me over FaceTime, “I met God. He was wearing a pink sarong and had a tiger tattoo on his arm.” I told him straight, “You didn’t meet God, mate, that pink Pah-Toong you seen, you're havin' right old ladyboy flash backs from that massage joint. What really happened is you met Uncle Somchai’s centipede hooch. Now drink some electrolytes and say goodbye to your stomach lining.” Welcome to Thailand, again, Rupert. Cultural immersion complete.

So Rupert’s tryin’ to be all “when in Rome” after readin’ one of them travel blogs written by some Chelsea bird who says eatin’ street food is the “soul of Thailand.” Next thing I know, he’s draggin’ me down some back-alley fresh market near the edge of the old city with an action cam strapped to his noggin like he’s doin’ a bloody Vice documentary. He starts pointin’ at every stall like a toddler at a petting zoo, askin’ the locals what’s this and what’s that. Comes across this geezer grillin’ skewers of what looks like small chicken chunks but slightly more… sinewy, then sees him dipping it in a thick, shiny red/orange sauce. Rupert’s eyes light up like he’s discovered the lost city of Atlantis. No questions asked. “That one,” he says, “looks rustic.” Sign says “Noo Nah,” but I don’t intervene. Rupert seems determined, and who am I to be a bit of a mood-hoover when he wants to go full native. Bloke hands it over with a grin and a thumbs-up. Rupe takes a massive bite, chews it up with vigor, swallows, sucks in a second bit and goes, “Hmm, bit earthy, smells and tastes kind a like duck crossed with rabbit skin.” Then asks the vendor what it is. The man shows him a picture on his phone of a rat with a smile on so wide you’d think he’d just heard the best story about Farage and milkshakes ever. Randy Rupe goes pale. Starts swayin’ like he’s about to faint into a basket of fermented fish. I'm thinking he's about to start blowing sick everywhere. Then he whispers “Lewie, did I just eat Remy from Ratatouille?” I tells him, “Nah mate, Remy wore a little chef hat and apron. This one probably chewed through a proper power cable behind a 7-Eleven, got Darwinized, and died an honourable death.” Later, the lad reckons he'd spend an hour garglin’ Listerine and Googlin’ if rats can give you rabies through digestion. But before we left the market, vendor tries to upsell him on deep-fried frog legs as a palate cleanser. Rupert tells him he’s full. My mate's goin’ full vegan now. Won’t even touch a ham toasty or a pizza with a bit of proper sausage on it. By the end of it all, he’s then posted inside a Boots chemist askin’ if activated charcoal can scrub food regret out your anoose.

You seen what Trump’s barkin’ on about now? Gone off his nut over Bruce Springsteen of all people. Called him a dried out prune with “atrophied skin” like he’s the bloody manager of a Holland & Barrett gone rogue. Man’s triggered because The Boss told a Manchester crowd he’s a treasonous toe-rag runnin’ a rogue government. Which, let’s be honest, is about as controversial as sayin’ Wetherspoons does a ropey fry-up. So now Trump’s throwin’ his usual toys out the pram, callin’ Bruce “overrated,” “pushy,” “dumb as a rock,” and all that jazz. He even said Bruce should “KEEP HIS MOUTH SHUT until he gets back in the country” like he’s some kinda airport security officer at JFK with a grudge. Mate, he’s not runnin’ a border patrol, he’s just fumin’ ‘cos someone called him out and did it in a leather jacket while singin’ Born in The USA. And it weren’t just Bruce catchin’ strays. Out the blue, Trump took a potshot at Taylor Swift too, like he’s got beef with Spotify now. Said ever since he wrote “I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT” she’s “no longer hot.” That’s not politics, bruv, that’s what you hear from bitter blokes down the boozer after four pints and a rejection on Tinder. Next he’ll be claimin’ Adele’s album gave him IBS. Truth is, Trump’s not playing public servant, or even president anymore, he’s on a full-blown vendetta tour. If someone sells more tickets than him, sings in tune, or don’t fancy givin’ him a reacharound, they’re public enemy number one. And Bruce? He’s just the latest on the list of Americans who don’t fancy lettin’ a sun-dried fascist with a fake tan turn the country into a dictatorship wrapped in a MAGA hat. Fair play to The Boss, I say. Give the prune hell. https://www.theguardian.com/music/2025/may/16/donald-trump-attacks-bruce-springsteen

So my mate Rupert lands in Chiang Mai, fresh off the plane from Kensington, after legging a domestic flight up from Bangkok, now feelin’ like he’s just escaped a hedge fund collapse. Hair all tousled, shirt stickin’ to his back like a clingy ex, and mutterin’ about Heathrow delays and cryin’ babies. Says to me he needs to “decompress” which, in posh speak, means find a massage spot that ends with a bit of wrist action and a towel over the eyes. Nothin’ too shady, he reckons, just a rub and a tug to take the edge off the jet lag. Anyway, I point him toward one of the local joints around the moat that’s known for leavin’ customers with a smile and a slightly guilty conscience. He struts in like he’s James Bond on a secret mission, tells the receptionist he’s not after the full Monty, just a gentle stroke of the king and a bit of moisturiser on the conclusion. He reckons everything went smooth as silk, warm oil, a bit of small talk, classical music playin’ in the background, then boom, curtains closed, job well done. Here’s where it gets interestin’. After the deed’s done, Rupert pops into the bathroom to rinse off his gentleman’s agreement, right? Next thing he knows, the massage therapist strolls in right after him, whips out a meat and two veg, and starts havin’ a slash like it’s just another Tuesday. Rupert clocks it mid-stream and nearly drops his flannel in the sink. He rings me up in full panic mode, whisperin’ like MI5’s got his phone tapped, askin’ “Lewie, bruv… does this make me gay?” I told him straight, “Mate, unless you started singin’ show tunes and lightin’ candles, you’re probably still in the straight lane. You didn’t touch it, kiss it, or offer to split the bill, you got your rod polished and that’s that.” But he’s still havin’ a full-blown existential crisis like he’s just woken up in a Tom of Finland sketch. Keeps sayin’ “But Lewie, I felt somethin’, maybe it was more than a just hand on my tool box.” Yeah mate, you felt shame, confusion, and possibly a bit of tongue in the wrong crevice. Now he’s walkin’ around Central Airport with that haunted look in his eyes like he’s seen the ghost of Margaret Thatcher in a miniskirt. Keeps checkin’ himself out in the mirror like he’s waitin’ for his wrists to start goin’ limp or his Spotify to recommend Men at Work. I told him to pull himself together, this is Thailand, not Tunbridge Wells. Half the birds are blokes and half the blokes are on hormones, it’s a bloody gender funfair out here. So I tell him like this: "When you’re lookin’ for a happy endin’, don’t go in expectin’ a fairy tale. You might just get Cinderella with a surprise under her ball gown. But as long as no one’s tryin’ to marry you or nick your wallet, relax, have a Chang, and chalk it up to cultural exchange. Welcome to land of smiles, Rupert. Next round’s on you, lad."

So there I am, enjoyin’ a quiet pint this evenin', watchin the tele when the BBC blares out that Trump’s kickin’ off over some seashells arranged in the shape of “86 47” on Comey’s Instagram. I nearly knocked me mug off the table. “86 47”? Sounds like a bingo call, not a bleedin’ threat. But no, Trump reckons it’s a coded message to off him. Talk about taking the piss, mates, now Trump's the one runnin' witch hunts. Now, “86” might mean to bin somethin’ in diner lingo, but Trump’s actin’ like Comey’s put a hit out on him. Comey deletes the post, says he didn’t mean no harm, but Trump’s not havin’ it. He’s got the Secret Service sniffin’ around like bloodhounds on a butcher’s floor. All this over a couple of shells on a beach. You couldn’t make this sh*te up. But let’s be honest, this ain’t about seashells. It’s about Trump settlin’ old scores. Comey didn’t kiss the ring back in the day, and now Trump’s usin’ every trick in the book to get back at him. He’s turnin’ the presidency into his own personal vendetta tour, weaponisin’ every little thing he can pull out the rubbish bin to go after his enemies. It’s like EastEnders meets The Apprentice, with a dash of extra ridiculousness. And the irony? Trump’s the one who’s always bangin’ on about free speech and fake news, yet he’s the first to cry foul when someone posts a cheeky pic. Maybe if he spent less time throwin’ diaper rash tantrums and more time runnin’ the country, we wouldn’t be in this mess. But hey, as long as he’s got someone to blame, he’s happy. Classic Trump, always the victim, never the villain. Pathetic innit. https://apnews.com/article/comey-fbi-secret-service-trump-81eccfe73d4fb09df58525d77a8dda80

So I’m loungin’ in this quiet, cozy coworkin’ space in Nimmanhaemin today, sippin’ on a cold brew and tryin’ to finally get some graft done, when this geezer, a full-blown MAGA muppet, plonks himself down next to me. Starts bangin’ on about Trump’s crypto capers, askin’ if I’ve copped any of his coins. I nearly dumped me latte in his lap. The president’s turned the Oval bleedin’ Office into a crypto casino, and he’s the house, the dealer, and the dodgy punter riggin’ the machines behind the curtain. Turns out, Trump’s got his grubby mitts in more crypto schemes than a washed-up YouTuber floggin’ knock-off NFTs. He’s hawkin’ $TRUMP coins, $MELANIA tokens, and runnin’ some shifty outfit called World Liberty Financial. And get this: some Chinese firm with no proper revenue just lobbed $300 million into his crypto empire. Sounds more like a backstreet launderette for dodgy cash than a legit investment, don’t it? Funny that, thought he was meant to be takin’ a hard line on China, but there he is, takin’ their dosh with both hands and a wink. But it don’t stop there. Nah, he’s throwin’ posh nosh dinners for the big $TRUMP coin holders at his golf clubs, right? Price of admission? A fat wedge lobbed into his digital ponzi. It’s like a high-stakes pay-to-play racket, where foreign wide boys can buy themselves a seat at the table and whisper sweet nothings into the ear of the actual president. Real backhander politics, no two ways about it. Even the Yanks in suits have clocked it now, senators callin’ it a “profoundly corrupt scheme” that’s puttin’ national security on the line and stompin’ all over public trust like a pair of muddy boots in a mosque. They’re draftin’ up laws to ban presidents and their kin from cashin’ in on crypto scams. ’Bout bloody time, if you ask me. And here’s the real corker: some new report reckons nearly 40% of the bloke’s entire net worth is now wrapped up in these dodgy crypto coins. That’s around $2.9 billion, give or take a yacht. So we ain’t talkin’ about some cheeky side hustle here, it’s half his bleedin’ fortune stashed in funny money that he’s been pumpin’ like a nightclub toilet. But hang about, wasn’t he skint not that long ago? Up to his eyeballs in legal bills, cryin’ poor mouth and passin’ the collection plate like he’s the MAGA messiah? And now, outta nowhere, he’s a crypto billionaire swannin’ about like he’s Satoshi fackin’ Nakamoto. Hard not to wonder why he was so desperate to nab the job again, innit? Looks less like public service and more like a personal get-rich-quick scheme. He ain’t runnin’ the country, he’s runnin’ a crypto stall out the back of the WH, shoutin’ “Roll up, roll up!” like he’s floggin’ knock-off perfume at a Sunday market. So here we are, watchin’ the president turn politics into a blockchain hustle, while ethics get chucked in the skip and democracy takes a right shoein’. It’s a farce, mates, and the bloke’s laughin’ all the way to the crypto bank, pockets bulgin’ and conscience nowhere to be seen.

So get this, I’m sat in a backstreet boozer last night, tryin’ to enjoy a cold Leo down me gullet and not choke on the fumes from some geezer’s vape cloud that smells like burnt custard, when the telly flashes up “Trump Sends Team to Ukraine-Russia Peace Talks in Turkey.” I nearly spat me pint. Peace talks? With Trump behind the wheel? That’s like lettin’ a Labrador conduct a string quartet. But it gets better. You know what happened? Putin, the party organiser, didn’t even appear. Didn’t even send a life-sized cardboard cutout of his right nut. Left the whole affair lookin’ like a stag do where the groom never turned up. Trump didn’t bother goin’ either, said it weren’t worth it without Putin there. So instead, he sends a couple of his henchmen, probably fresh off a Mar-a-Lago golf cart, to go “negotiate peace” like it’s a timeshare meeting in Marbella. Trump reckons he’s this big-shot dealmaker, right? “I alone can fix it in 24 hours,” he says. Yeah? Couldn’t even get the main player in the room. Can’t call yourself the great peacemaker when the bloke you’re meant to be makin’ peace with treats the whole thing like a wet Tupperware party. Putin’s probably at home watchin’ reruns of Soviet cookin’ shows and laughin’ his arse off. Zelensky shows up, with bells on, all serious, riskin’ lookin’ weak in front of his own lot, hopin’ maybe Trump’s still got some clout. But instead, he ends up posin’ with a couple of Trump’s lads who look like they’re there to repo a yacht. Diplomacy via estate agents. And get this, Russia demanded Ukraine just hand over four regions. Four! Like it’s a game of Charades and they’re stuck tryin’ to mime a bottle of Russian vodka. That’s not peace talks, that’s bloody extortion with better catering. End result? No deal, no Putin, no Trump, no point. Just a sad little table in Istanbul and Trump flyin’ around sayin’ he’ll “chat with Putin directly.” Yeah, I’m sure Vlad’s waitin’ by the blower, mate. Just pop by the Kremlin with a bottle of Irn-Bru and a red cap and it’ll all be sorted. So much for Trump the master peacemaker. Can’t even broker a lunch order off DoorDash, let alone peace in Europe. The only thing he’s ever successfully negotiated is a second scoop of durian flavored ice cream with extra ketchup on-top for himself.

So I’m sat me in this quiet little gaff near Tha Pae Gate, yeah, havin’ a cuppa English brekki and munchin’ on a bit of toast and beans, when some Yank geezer sits opposite me uninvited wantin’ to have a wee morning chat. One of them leathery retiree types with a "MAGA ME" tank-top struggling to hide his oversized mid-section, livin’ on social security, hope, and a neck like a chewed up Bic pen cap. A real bell-end goin’ on about how Trump’s bringin’ back “real strength” to the economy "fixing it all", "draining the swamp" and all that kool-aid gulpin' rubbish. I says, “Mate, the only thing Trump’s brought back is bog paper rationing, food banks, and the word ‘queue’ to American vocab. Hasn't even fixed his own dodgy golf swing.” He didn’t laugh. Just ordered more greasy bacon and another banana smoothie like it was a protest. Anyway, turns out the whole country’s feelin’ the burn, and not the Bernie kind. US consumer sentiment’s just nosedived to the second-lowest level ever recorded. Yeah, ever innit. Right under the one time they thought the world was gonna end in Y2K and someone nicked all the Twinkies. The University of Michigan clocked it at 50.8 this May, down from 52.2. If it drops any lower they’ll have to publish it upside down out of respect. And get this, mates, nearly three-quarters of Americans in the survey pointed straight at Trump’s bloody tariffs. That’s not just a few lefty types moanin’ over oat milk and tofu burgers. Nah, even the good ol’ Republican faithful are startin’ to pipe up now. You know it’s bad when even the cult’s lookin’ for the exit. People reckon prices are gonna go up 7.3 percent this year. Highest since 1981, lads. That’s back when mullets were fashionable and Ronald Reagan still had blood circulation. Long term, it’s lookin’ like 4.6 percent inflation, which basically means your wallet’s on fire but the government swears it’s just a “warm fart in the wind.” Meanwhile the Trump lot are smilin’ on telly sayin’, “Don’t worry folks, inflation ain’t that bad.” Yeah alright mate, tell that to the woman who just paid twenty two dollars for a sad avocado on an English muffin in Denver. Even I’m startin’ to ration me Chang beer and I’m not even the target demographic. The funniest bit? They had a little tariff truce with China, like pausin’ a street brawl for a shepherds pie, then carried on actin’ like it fixed the whole mess. Joanne Hsu, she runs the survey yeah, basically said, “No one’s fallin’ for that, bruv.” Not in those words, obviously, but you get me. And if that weren’t enough to give your wallet a nosebleed, Moody’s only went and downgraded the whole bloody country. Yeah, the US, the supposed big-shot of the financial world, now sittin’ on a debt pile pushin’ 37 trillion dollars. That’s trillion with a T, mate. Enough zeroes to make your eyes water. Moody’s cut the credit rating down a peg, sayin’ even the Yanks’ so-called “economic strengths” can’t make up for the fact their fiscal situation’s more cooked than a dodgy sausage sarnie left in the sun. It’s the third agency to do it too, so we ain’t talkin’ one rogue accountant with a hangover. This is the financial world sayin’, “Nah bruv, we don’t trust you to pay your tab.” Makes you wonder what that MAGA geezer at the café’s gonna do when Uncle Sam’s platinum card gets declined. And just to top it off, Trump’s latest budget blueprint is set to balloon this year’s deficit to a cheeky $1.9 trillion, lads, with projections indicating an average annual deficit increase of $2 trillion over the next decade . So here we are. Trump’s throwin’ trade tantrums like a toddler on a sugar comedown and the economy’s gettin’ clobbered. Confidence is dead, prices are sky high, deficit is as high as me nan's knickers and the average Yank’s about three paydays from switchin’ to dog food. But hey, that geezer at the café reckons it’s all part of the plan. Course it is, mate. Just like my dodgy “temporary” tattoo that says “grab em by the…” https://www.foxbusiness.com/economy/us-consumer-sentiment-drops-near-record-low-may-inflation-worries-tariff-uncertainty.amp https://www.foxbusiness.com/economy/moodys-downgrades-us-credit-rating-over-rising-debt https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2025/05/16/economy/consumer-sentiment-may-preliminary

So, I just clocked this headline and thought I’d misread it. “One Big Beautiful Bill,” yeah? That’s what they’re callin’ it. Sounds more like a dodgy new ripoff bar in Pattaya than a new bit of legislation. But no, turns out it’s Trump’s shiny new scheme to make rich people richer and leave the rest of the Yanks fightin’ over a few tins of Chef Boyardee and some expired acetaminophen. So here’s the gist, yeah. Give this a butchers, mates. Trump reckons he’s gonna scrap taxes on overtime, tips, and Social Security. Sounds good, yeah? You’re thinkin’ maybe he’s finally doin’ somethin’ for the little guy. But then he drops the other shoe like a clumsy giraffe in stilettos, he’s payin’ for all that by gutting Medicaid and food stamps. Classic Trump. “Here’s a lollipop, now give me your house.” So around 8.6 million Yanks are set to lose their health cover by 2034. Yeah, you heard right. Nearly 9 million. And it ain’t just a rounding error. About 7.7 million of ’em get the boot straight off the Medicaid cliff, while another 900,000 get shafted by fiddly new rules to the Obamacare sign-up circus. Basically, if you’re poor, sick, or just not minted enough to be chums with a hedge fund manager, you’re gettin’ screwed like a date on prom night. They’re slashin’ Medicaid by nearly 900 billion quid, lads. That’s not a budget cut, that’s a Mexican Necktie. Millions gettin’ chucked off their health cover like it’s Survivor final round eliminations. “Sorry Sheila, your kidneys still don’t work, and no more dialysis for you, but at least you ain’t gettin’ taxed on your nonexistent overtime.” And food stamps? Gone. Or close to it. Another few hundred billion shaved off that. Because apparently in Trumpworld, the solution to poverty is just makin’ it hungrier, again. Starvin’ builds character. More winnin' innit. This bill is a proper magic trick, you’re sayin’. Look over here Lewie, no taxes on your fry up tips and weekend shifts. But don’t look over there, where your nan’s dyin’ in a hallway ‘cos the clinic shut down and your mate’s three year old’s eatin’ dry cereal out the box ‘cos SNAP’s gone snap. They’re sellin’ it like a Robin Hood job, givin’ back to the working man. But Robin Hood didn’t steal from the poor to build golf courses, buy Teslas and hand tax breaks to blokes who think “empathy” is a skin condition. And the best part? It’s all built on vibes. No numbers add up, no plan for how it actually works. “It’ll pay for itself,” they say, like it’s a magic fackin’ beanstalk. Mate, the last time Trump said something would pay for itself, another one of his Atlantic City casinos went tits up and the only thing growin’ was his legal bills. So yeah, “One Big Beautiful Bill”? More like one big beautiful bag of bell-ends. You can put glitter on a turd, but it’s still gonna stink to high hell when you slice it in half. You know what this is? It’s a billionaire with a gold bog tellin’ a bloke workin’ two jobs and struggling to put nappies in his Tesco bag that he’s finally winnin’. While quietly sellin’ off the NHS equivalent, lockin’ the fridge, and nickin’ your last packet of crisps. But don’t worry mate, your tips are tax free now. Assuming you’ve still got a job. Or a stomach. Or teeth. https://apnews.com/article/medicaid-cuts-trump-tax-cuts-bill-1e2b12a91a3d12ceb0420ce7053de58e