villagefarang

Back in the day I was on a popular Thai TV debate program with the Farangs saying it was better to live in Thailand and the Thais saying it was better to live overseas. The purpose then was to be fun and entertaining but in truth it is a serious question.

Personally I think a lot depends on who you marry. If on the one hand you marry into a prosperous well educated Thai family you might be better off here as you would have access to influence and connections. Also if you come here with a full ex-pat package or are retired on a fixed income you might find your standard of living a bit higher.

If you marry a BG it might be best to take her somewhere else to help break the sex, booze and gambling addictions. Even if you get a decent job here, the staff and the people you will need to associate with, at the compulsory social events, will not treat her kindly. I know you think its not fair but what they see through their cultural filters is the equivalent of the skankiest, down and out, skid-row streetwalker. (No social graces, bad language, bad accent, bad hair, bad clothes, bad makeup, bad hygiene, bad attitude.)

My wife and I have met many couples overseas who have done quite well after the initial adjustment. Husbands usually could never make as much money in Thailand as they can in their home country. Girls with lowly(in Thai terms) cooking, sewing, beautician or massage skills, can with a little hard work, get a license in their field and end up making a good deal of money. Sometimes the guys dream of retiring in Thailand but by the time they are ready their wives are not. Having broken the bonds of social class in Thailand and making their own money it is hard to come back home.

If you are single and trying to rack up the numbers of conquests that is another thread entirely. If you have a Thai wife, or plan to have one you, need to ask yourself where should we live and what are the positives and negatives of each place.

So, where and why?

Gee is this stuff still going on? In the past I've seen it a thousand times. It is one reason I went my own way and turned my back on the ex-pat community, for the most part. At least the newbies. Too many stupid people doing stupid things and then crying foul. A guy who has some street smarts back home and would be suspicious of some guy who walked up to him on the street, will open is life and checkbook to the first Thai that smiles and says hello. This, in a country where nobody talks to anybody without a proper introduction, seems rather foolish. If you jump into shark infested waters, gushing blood from an open wound, I don't think you have much of gripe when a shark acts like a shark and has you for breakfast. When people step onto a new playing field, where they don't know the rules, customs, habits and practices they should be more careful, not less. A good dose of alcohol, hormones and ego plus placing yourself in the most dangerous and vulnerable place you can imagine doesn't seem like a recipe for success. If you live in the red-light district of any country, your in for a rough and bumpy ride.

Tourists get ripped off in tourist places. Get used to it. In Hawaii we have a Kama'aina rate for locals and you need a Hawaii ID like a driver's license to get the discount rate. Tourists pay more. A lot of what is happening to you guys is due to your own greed, stupidity and arrogance. Go hang out with nice people and nice things might happen. Hangout in a snake pit and well you ought to be able to figure out what is going to happen.

I don't get this whole argument that you have to be in the NO camp or YES camp. Can anyone seriously believe that if you say "yes", just once, that you don't have the choice (or the balls) to say "no" at some later time, when you don't agree with the reason for the request? Maybe it is easier to have one answer for all occasions but that seems like a copout to me. Why not deal with things as they come up instead of prejudging everything. Could it be that simple minds need simple one word answers?

teacup- I don't consider it my place to judge others, individually, or tell any particular person what to do with his life or his money. And I don't want any laws re forcing people to share their money with their in-laws.

But all that is very different from having an opinion about what's moral and what persons in a given situation should do. I understand this to be, in part, a forum for exploring ideas and sharing views. In my view, it's wrong, as a general matter, to share your life with someone and then be stone hearted toward their family. After all, as another poster noted, they're your family too, in the eyes of many of us.

Pepe- Cheers and have a great trip.

Makes sense to me.

It is surprising how hard it seems to be for people to listen to views that are different from their own. The need to resort to name calling and personal attacks shows me how little we have evolved in the time we spent on this plant. State your views and explain why you think that way. This is not a true or false test. No winners or losers. Just a forum to share ideas and take from it what you wish.

Yes there does seem to be a stereotypic look that farangs go for. At least in the BG seen. That might be the whole world for many but is only a very small piece of the pie when talking about Thai women.

If we are talking about stereotypes, then what Thai woman go for would be an old, grey haired or bald out of shape slob from Europe, North America or Australia.

Present company excluded!

But I'm sure that's not the case....................

Isn't life amazing. Girls that no Thai man would touch with the proverbial 10 foot pole and men who couldn't get laid to save their lives back home, can find each other in Thailand! But aren't we getting of the Thread just a bit?

from the looks of the girls that farangs go for i dont think they looikng for a nice piece of ass.

Yes there does seem to be a stereotypic look that farangs go for. At least in the BG seen. That might be the whole world for many but is only a very small piece of the pie when talking about Thai women.

Actually what I was saying is that you never get something for nothing. Didn't the older generation use to say there is no free lunch? Also if your fishing in the bottom of the barrel with baht bait then don't be surprised with the bottom dweller that you end up with. I was also saying, that even when a girl makes more than enough money of her own, it doesn't go over very well to say yours is yours and mine is mine. There has to be some sign that you plan to stick around a little while. I suppose there are many ways to do that but just saying she has a great ass usually isn't enough.

Of course we all have the right to deal with this in the manner of our choice and to deal with the consequences. I think this whole "I won't pay one single baht" mentality is a knee-jerk reaction to the sex for hire environment. It can backfire though if you don't use some common sense. Know a guy who had a real hotty who was also a successful executive with a big, big salary. He could afford it but wouldn't pull the trigger and provide some of the things that would have given a sign of commitment and face in her social class. It is not the same if she has to buy that stuff for herself. In the end she dumped him and I spent many a day listening to all the stuff that follows the end of a multi-year relationship.

You can say all you want about how easy it is to find girls in Thailand (especially if they have a number on them) but finding a real winner is very, very difficult. In the case of a real winner, why would they want us? People who are successful in their own culture don't often go outside of it to find a partner. Quite often they find us instead of the other way around and it is just a matter of luck, that we end up with them, not some well structured plan.

I didn't have a chance to follow the thread since last night but read through everything tonight and I'm impressed. A lot of really positive, sensible, caring, and romantic stuff. Not sure what I was expecting but will take away some good ideas and a feeling of hope about the future of Thai-Farang relationships. Sorry for paraphrasing and not giving credit where credit is due. This is a list of some of the good advise and successful attributes that I will be taking away from this. I always end up modifying things to fit the situation but this looks like a good base to start from. If I have missed something important feel free to add to the list.

1) Communication & Language Skills

2) Earned Trust, Understanding, desire, friendship, mutual respect, and commitment

3) Common Interests and Aspirations

4) Similar views or acceptance of different views

5) Great sex helps but is only one element.

6) No kids..That could be the secret.

7) never to marry if you know your not ready to give the other person what they need

8) Another important word patience.

9) be non confrontational

10) spend some time away from each other

11) spouse is your best friend, lover and companion

12) willingness to learn what the other partner wants or needs from the relationship

13) try giving rather than taking in all things

14) shared expectations, shared experience, shared values.

15) self-control

16)marry a better person than yourself or someone who makes you want to be a better person

17) take a good look in the mirror and assess your strengths and weaknesses

We both share similar interests.......me.

Only joking. Neither of us take ourselves too seriously. We laugh a lot. My wife understands my moods and I usually understand hers. We don't press each other's buttons. We hardly ever argue. Neither of us is money motivated which is just as well I will never have much.

My wife is very nurturing and now that she is pregnant she is completely blooming.

The ability to communicate is very important.

Somebody once told me, and I think it makes sense, that a relationship is more likely to work if you both share either the same culture or religion. If both of these are different it makes it harder. I was Buddhist before coming to Thailand ( in fact it is the reason I came) and I think it does help mutual understanding.

You are probably right but being tolerant and understanding can do the job sometimes. My wife believes in much of the Thai stuff and I on the other hand have no time for any kind of superstition, magic or gods. It doesn't seem to be a problem though as we don't need to reinforce our beliefs by forcing them on each other or anyone else.

It doesn't really matter who or what you partner is, it will be a shaky relationship when based only on love, passion, money or physical attraction.

If it begins without friendship it will almost certainly end without it too.

Not sure I agree with that one. We started off with the physical being the most important thing. Fortunately it grew into something more but we both still like the idea of being a sexual object in each others eyes. There is something very primal and reassuring about being seen as attractive and desirable by your spouse.

Sorry I think I hit the wrong key.

I was hoping that this thread would not lead to name calling. I was never a believer in marriage and told my wife from the beginning that I didn't want to get married or have kids. I still stick by the no kids rule but have never been happier than I am with my married life. If it can happen to me it can happen to anyone. Remember it took me 20 years and some pretty embarrassing numbers before I changed.

not speaking the same lingo ,,, works for us ,,

only joking being relaxed and letting go of some western ways and a sence of humour helps alot

For me communication is important but Thais often think we talk things to death. I used to agree that limited language skills helped to keep people from over-talking things. That was until I got so I could over-talk things in Thai too. Now I'm back to speaking English and not really doing anything Thai.

imo time away from each other is important.being together 24hrs a day can get strained.

We are together all the time and companionship is probably our strongest trait. That coming from a guy that was voted least likely to ever settle down by the guys that knew him best. After 20 years of philandering I was a very bad bet but we have been inseparable since we met 10 years ago. The hardest thing for me was to find a girl who was open to new things and Thai-enough but not too Thai. How many Thai girls have you known who will hike the Grand Canyon or Skydive in Hawaii or spend weeks on the road exploring nature and not shopping, smoking, gambling or drinking? How many can cross the social divide and hang with high-so or low-so with equal ease and grace.

It can't be that simple. I agree with everything you say for the most part but there must be something else. In cross cultural relationships there is perhaps less chance of have things in common but there are added layers of complexity that can make things more interesting or more difficult. As well a humor and not taking yourself too seriously I think you need to figure out who is bringing what to the dance. Even with a 20 year age gap and very different background and initially very different expectations ours still works. And it definitely isn't because I'm the "boss". I got great results by helping her to find out who she was. Giving her greater responsibility helped to create a more responsible person. A little care, support, confidence building and understanding and I marvel at the growth and progress. I figure you get better results by providing a fertile environment to grow than by bossing then into submission. I have never had to say no or raise my voice. We just talk things out. It did help in the beginning that I spoke Thai but now we converse in English much of the time.

I can't believe that I'm the only happily married guy out there. Speak up and give your ideas on what it takes to have a really great Thai-Farang relationship. How do you do it? Maybe you can help some guy who doesn't have a clue.

Gee guys!!! I was just bored! Nobody was commenting on my blog, so I thought I would try out the forum and see if anybody wanted to play. Threw out a bone and low and behold 64 responses and over 900+ hits. You guys seem to know each other, though, and have old scores to settle. Didn't mean for things to get so personal. Everybody has their own Thai story and no two are the same. Can't be, because each one has different actors. I figure people who have problems here would have problems anywhere they went. But then again what do I know?

which kind of in law is more common?

those that want or those that dont want?

Maybe there are more bad relationships and in-laws than good ones. Granted finding a good mate is not an easy task. If you don't meet overseas, at work or through friends then the chances are you ended up buying what you had been renting, previously. Pretty much any girl who has anything to do with a Farang as "issues" within her own culture. If your lucky enough to have complimentary "issues" then things might workout OK. You simply have to choose wisely or you can kiss your happiness and money, goodbye.

It took me 20+ years to find the right one. Not that I'm complaining. Those were some pretty good years.

No matter which social class you marry into, the chances are you will be asked outright for money or asked to enter into a "risk free, sure deal". I would like to know what you say or do and how successful you are with your approach.

Take your wife's advice. She should be the best, maybe the only, person who can navigate this issue for you.

If she cannot, or does not want to, or if she does not have your best interests at heart, you have married the wrong woman.

You make the most sense, to me. Either we have made a good choice of wife or we haven't. It is hard to fix something or someone who is already broken. My wife and I also use a technique of laying off the blame on each other. I tell her to say that I said "no" when she doesn't want to say "yes". I in turn, tell them I know nothing, as it is not my department, and to go talk to her. She has saved my ass on many occasion.

No matter which social class you marry into, the chances are you will be asked outright for money or asked to enter into a "risk free, sure deal". I would like to know what you say or do and how successful you are with your approach.

Wife and I went through the same thing in Hawaii just last year. We immediately knew what was happening and just looked at each-other in disbelief. This couldn't be happening again, so soon, and here of all places. From what I have read the big one in 2004 loosened things up and we may be in for some more shakin. My latest blog entry is about our experience.

village farang

Just a few more country shots from Chiang Rai area.