peter991

I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work. I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so the moment she walks through the door

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the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

I went to WeightWatchers last night and threw Maltesers all over the floor.

I then witnessed the best game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos I've ever seen.

Ever since being diagnosed with Kleptomania my life has become one long miserable battle.

If only there was something I could take.

My cat keeps coughing up hairballs.

Maybe I shouldn't feed him whiskers.

The new X-men film is premiering in Thailand, because they have a lot of them there already.

Who saw that coming? Harry Potter and the News of the World. Two of the biggest selling copies of modern fiction ending in the same week.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

12.

One to screw it in,

one to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination,

one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination,

one to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like",

one to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic,

one to blame men for not changing the bulb,

one to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it,

one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs,

one to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs,

one to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with electricians,

one to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men,

and one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.

But would these marriages pay sin sod too ?

Why not pay Sin Sod.....cant have discrimination can we

We do. Maybe not as formally as a straight marriage - but when a foreigner gets married in a 'committment ceremony' in Issan, we often pay a fair bit of sin sod.

Peter

2004 - on my second visit to LOS. I had organised a 13th floor Pattaya condo for 3 months. I was keen to practice my Thai language skills. Headed off to a Boyztown bar with 3 Thai friends for drinks. Me - I'm a non-drinker - but warm night, plenty of eye-candy, a few Malibu rum and orange juices and I was very happy.

Along comes a mahout and his baby elephant. The idea is the mahout sells you a bunch of bananas - which you feed to his elephant. Me - after a few drinks asked (in my best Thai) if I could buy some bananas to feed his elephant. That's what I thought I asked. In fact - I asked if I could buy his elephant and some bananas!

The mahout was very happy - elephants are very expensive to maintain - and here was a farang who wanted to buy his elephant! He went away to get drunk. My Thai friends asked me if the landlord would approve of us keeping an elephant (admittedly a baby one) in the condo.

Then the penny dropped. I had to quickly explain that I wanted to buy bananas - not the elephant! They took off and quickly caught up with the mahout. They gave him 2 bottles of Thai whisky as compensation and gave him back his elephant. Later that night I saw 'my' elephant being loaded onto the back of a baht bus.

I am rather careful even now - how I practice my Thai language skills.

I've just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.

It started off badly but, by the end, I really liked it.

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My wife's always wanted to go on a cruise. So I've treated her and her mother to one.

I hope the pair of them enjoy seeing the sights off the coast of Somalia.

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I was sitting on the sky-train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

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If the zombie apocalypse ever happens, I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills.

I should be fine.

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I asked this Australian bloke how far away I was from Queensland.

He replied, "It's 20 clicks away mate."

Things must be bad if they've started speaking dolphin.

Welcome to Thailand, Dom. After the UK (or most western countries), Thailand is welcoming to gay people. You can be yourself! I am glad you have found a place you like. Depending on whether you are visiting as a tourist or have relocated here - please do not limit yourself to Bangkok.

Visit the gay capital of the universe (Pattaya). Then when you have a gay overload - take the time to get into the countryside and meet the 'real' people. Hopefully you will have the time to make a friend and they will show you around.

Peter

Facebook is another classic. So far, in all the profiles I have checked of Thai guys, only two have not mentioned that they are interested in Men. They are either all interested only in Men or in Men and Women.

Considering I have over 600 Thai Facebook Friends, does that mean that close to 99% of Thai males are either gay or bisexual?

Peter

(Be sure to watch the video at the end)

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with women to whom they normally would never be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as a "relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as"marriage."

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this Beer scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how Beer works click below for:

Beer Demo

So true

Could equally apply to Australia .. but don't get me started or I'll get a LONG holiday.

What happens in Vegas - stays in Vegas. When gets said on Facebook goes viral - and 500 million people find out about it. Even if you delete your comment(s) a couple of minutes later - who knows how many people have copied and pasted them.

Basically - if you wouldn't put your comments in a (snail mail) letter - don't post them online.

Peter

I started having fun on the Internet in the mid-1990s. Heres my top 6 funnies.

Revenge On Jerks

Top 20 Homicides of the Year

Here's Your Sign

Butt Seriously, Folks

My Unfair Lady

The Suspect Line

Peter

My Dog Named Sex

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more dam_n troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."

COFFEE MORNING IN ROME

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St.Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ........?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips.

When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!

A new Woolworths Supermarket opened in Adelaide , South Australia . It has an automatic water mist-maker to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on you can hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and chops.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of a Carlton Draught.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

Simple maths over the past 40 years and beyond.

1. Teaching Maths in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

His cost of production is $80.

How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and koalas might feel as the logger cuts down their homes just for a measly profit of $20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling license. He is also fined a $100 as his Chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the Chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another $100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find some indigenous people have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned for 6 months and fined a further $100.

While he is in jail the indigenous people cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for $100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of koala and goanna, and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The logger on release is warned that failure to clear the fly and vermin ridden rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced $12,000 plus GST for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never goi ng to make $20 profit by hard work; he should give up, sign on to the dole and live off the government for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new truck because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Iceland and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million dollar in bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses. The logger struggles to pay the $1,200 licencing fee on hi s old truck however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it. Some Vietnamese loggers buy the truck from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government's expense. Following their holiday back home they return to Australia with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay $1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths in 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D 8ج من

ا! لثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

Probably not as crazy a question as many TV members would think. First time I was going up-country to meet my BF's parents, I asked HIM what I should give as a gift. The answer: Rice. A bag of rice. It was well received and mamma later thanked me for giving something useful.

Okay - you are travelling light - but you can still get a present when you arrive. Ask your girlfriend to help you pick out a gift.

Peter