glitterman

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The Almighty and Powerful Wizard is back yet again and gives you;

Parable of the Cheese from the Moon, Revelation 66686475.

............And so, slowly cycling along Beach Road one day the Great Golden Glitterman did happen to have nobody needed saving.

"Nobody needs saving today, so I think I will into the Royal Garden Plaza and see that new Louis Tussards wax museum, there will obviously be a waxwork of me in there that I can kiss repeatedly.

But after half an hour of searching for himself, and finding nothing. the Golden One was totally and utterly outraged and said,

"I am totally and utterly outraged, anyway I do not need Lois Tussards to make a dummy out of me, I am quite capable of making a dummy out of myself without their help, all I need is some wax."

........So the Golden One popped into CarreFour and bought ten very large Buddha candles. Taking them home he melted them and molded a wonderful complete full size dummy of himself. Then placing one of his spare golden coats on it he said,

"There, beautiful, I shall mount this upon the back passenger seat of my beautiful golden bicycle. When people see me pass by they will all say with admiration 'Wow! Look at that man, he has made a complete dummy out of himself.'"

..............Later that day the Golden One slowly cycled along Beach Road, proudly exhibiting his latest creation of 'double Golden man.' A Thai man holding a half empty bottle of whisky starred in amazement as the Golden One slowly cycled by. Then the Thai man looked at his bottle of Whisky and threw it away, which knocked out a dog that was just about to bite him.

"Ahh!, a parade," Said the Golden One. "show time!"

Slipping into the very front of the parade as usual, the Golden One wore his fixed smile and slowly led the parade along Beach Road. But the hot sun started to melt the wax dummy, and within a short time the wax dummy had vanished, leaving only the golden coat lying on top of the passenger seat. A trail of slippery melted wax covered the road behind him causing the marching band to slip and slide around playing duff notes.

"They sound a bit out of tune, they should put more practice in." Thought the Golden One with amusement.

Suddenly a strong gust of wind caught the ex-dummies golden coat and made it fly through the air and land on a lady in the audience. The lady screamed and ran away blindly with the coat covering her head. Hearing the scream the Golden One turned around to see his dummy missing and see his golden coat running away.

"That thief has stolen my dummy." Shouted the Golden One. "Watch me, Pattaya's superhero in action."

So the Golden One did a 'U' turn on his bicycle and went after the thief. But his tires slipped on the melted wax, causing the Golden One to fly through the air and land head first into the large big bass drum of the marching band. The crowd now laughing uncontrollably as the fat Thai drummer continued banging on his large drum, unaware that the Golden One was half submerged in it. The Golden One then pulled himself out of the drum, and from under his golden coat the Golden One took out his new friend the coconut knife.

"Smile Please!" Said the Golden One. "Its later than you think."

The Golden One then slit the fat drummers throat from ear to ear. The drummer fell to the floor clutching his throat. The Golden One then quickly sprang upon the drummer, and in a frenzied attack hacked off the drummers head and shoved it into his drum, while singing Ian Durys 'Hit me with your rythm stick, its nice to be a lunatic.'

'CRASH!'

Two large symbols accidently came together on the Golden Ones head. The crowd now rolling on the ground in fits of uncontrollable laughter as the Golden One vibrated and wobbled away, straight into a large French Horn.

'PARP!'

With his head firmly stuck inside the French Horn, the Golden One blindly wandered around, colliding with the tubular Bells.

'DONG!'

Wearing them around his neck the Golden One staggered and swayed with the bells ringing. Slipping up on the wax again the Golden One flew high into the sky, far above the laughing crowds and clouds. Falling on his way back down the French Horn attached itself to the overhead gantry of the new pedestrian crossing, thus releasing the Golden One from the horn, who fell from the gantry to the road with a smug grin.

Sitting on the road the Golden One said, "Where is my hat?"

'FLOP!' fell his hat on to his head from the above French Horn.

The Golden One jumped to his feet and continued chasing the thief. Soon the Golden One caught up with the thief and removed the golden coat from the thief's head. The Golden One froze as he looked into the eyes of a beautiful golden haired Ferang lady.

"I....I....I....L..L...Love you" Said the Golden One with his beautiful smile.

The lady smiled back and softly replied, "I...I...I...Love you too."

The crowd now silent now started smiling warmly and let out a big, "Ahhhhh! He is in love, how nice."

Then the entire crowd broke out into a huge round of applause as the Golden Ones both kissed and walked off into the sunset with their arms wrapped around each other, eating Cheese from the Moon. The setting sun falling like a red cherry in the evening sky shone its last pure rays of innocent light upon the two Golden Ones.

Then the lady turned to the Golden One and said,

"Oh Glittery my love, there is a couple of things that you should know about me, my blond golden hair is only a wig, and I am only a.....AMEN."

"Smile please, Its later than you think." Said the Golden one raising high into the air his new friend the coconut knife...............

After skinning and dismembering the body the Golden One wore the face mask for a while before being chased by the angry crowd.

AMEN.

MORAL OF THE PARABLE IS; A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.....or bike.

Coming sooner or later another one.

The Royal Glitterman hath Spoken.

Happy New Year everyone.

The Royal Glitterman hath Spoken.

Merry Christmas everyone.

The Royal Glitterman hath Spoken.

Thank you for choosing this 'Glitterman' product. [As seen on T.V.] Used correctly this 'Glitterman' product should give you hours of enjoyment.

The Almighty and Powerful Wizard is back yet again and gives you;

PARABLE 759498574563247898210847665647935493475667505848756732163745057064756, Parable of the Cheese from the Moon, yet again.

........................And so, slowly cycling along beach road one day the Great Golden Glitterman did happen to see a policeman come running up towards him shouting,

"Save us O Gleat Golden Glitterman fowa evelyday about dis time two huge sea serpents wiv many heads comes out of da sea, and slithers up Soi S.Pattaya Land 2. Dis city is tellefied, please help us."

Then the Policeman held up a mirror for the Golden One to look into and kiss repeatedly. Then Policeman the said,

"Behold fowa you are legend."

Then the Policeman did drop to his knees and did grab hold of the Golden Ones feet and did worship the Golden One.

"Fear not Mr Policeman," Replied the Golden One, "For as you know I am the Great Golden Glitterman, and I will rid you of these scary slimy slimeball serpents."

.........................So the Golden One hid in Soi S.Pattaya Land 2 and waited for the sea serpents to arrive.

"Oh! Nothing yet.....Maybe Mr policeman was just having a laugh." thought the Golden One.

Suddenly from a nearby Beer bar music did emerge. Not the overplayed rubbish of 'Hotel California' but instead a single solitary string instument. The Golden One listened for a few seconds and said,

"Why, its a banjo, played by a ferang. How refreshing to hear the happy melodic 'twang' of a banjo, rather than the usual dark ominous sounds of a lead guitar. Although I am a member of the British Royal family, I shall go and put in a request for that George Fawnby banjo classic 'My old mans a dustman."

So the Golden One walked with a warm friendly smile towards the Beer bar. But upon approaching the music suddenly stopped, and everyone inside the Beer bar turned towards the Golden One, screamed and ran away with their hands held high in the air. All except the banjo player who ran away with his banjo held high in the air.

"The drinks are on me!" Shouted the Golden One.

They all stopped running, turned, and ran back to the Beer bar, with their hands held high in the air. All except the banjo player who ran back playing a rather cheerful ditty on his banjo. After they had all sat down, they all changed their minds, and ran away again, with their hands held high in the air. All except the banjo player who ran banging his banjo on the head of a man running in front of him because that man was not running fast enough.

"the drinks are on me!" Shouted the grinning Golden One again.

They all ran back to the Beer bar again with their hands held high in the air. All except the banjo player who ran back playing another cheerful ditty and also singing.

When seated they all changed their minds again, and ran away again with their hands held high in the air. All except the banjo player who cleverly decided to sit it out and play a suitable fast 'Hill Billy' type music tune for the runners.

The Golden One sat outside the Beer bar watching the running show and listening to the music. After one hour of this they all finally ran away. All except the banjo player who ran away forgetting his banjo.

"Oh! They must of decided to finally run away because its started to rain." Said the Golden One.

Looking up towards the sky the Golden One froze in terror as the many heads of two sea Serpents gazed down upon him. The sea Serpents then turned and quickly slithered back down towards the sea.

The Golden One said, "Oh! that is why the sea Serpents come up hear. Its for the unique banjo music. Rather like the cobras in India hypnotized by the Indian snake charmer. It also appears that I am still alive, so the sea Serpents are not dangerous.

The Golden One then ran after the sea Serpents shouting,

"Wait! Wait! I want to communicate with you both. You, me and wacko Jacko are all misunderstood freaks....er.....misunderstood legends, waaaaaaaiiiiiiit!"

Watching the sea Serpents slide into the sea the Golden One ran onto the sand. A large Thai man approached the Golden One saying,

"Hello Jetski, hello Jetski"

"No!" The Golden One replied angrily, "How many more times do I have to tell you, my name is not Jetski, it is Glitterman, GLITTERMAN. Now here is some Moon Cheese for the rent of your baby boat."

Leaving the happy Thai man sitting on the sand eating his cheese from the Moon, the Golden One zoomed off on the Jetski and soon caught up with the two sea Serpents.

"Hello! Said the Golden One, "I am the Great Golden Glitterman, superhero of Pattaya."

"We know." Replied one of the sea Serpents, "We also know you only usually wear clothes with the sea Serpent symbol on it. We are aware of everything here in Pattaya. With our many eyes we are watching everything, but you nobody ever sees us. Climb aboard O Great One, come into our world my friend."

And the Golden One did climb aboard one of the sea serpents backs, and they slipped through the water at speed. Then passing one of the large floating sea food restaurant the sea Serpents looked sad and said.

"It saddens us underwater life that you humans only see us as brainless sea food."

'BOOM!' Suddenly a harpoon from one of the floating sea food restaurants hit the tail of the sea Serpent, and the Golden One flew fast through the air, and landed on Beach Road. Stunned he staggered to his feet.

"Nooooo!" Shouted the Golden One seeing the two sea Serpents being dragged on board the floating restaurant and getting chopped up for Thai sea food.

Suddenly a speeding Pitza delivery moped hit the Golden One hard, causing the Golden One to fly through the air, far above the clouds, and land on top of the Buddha mountain. Getting to his feet the Golden One noticed that he had landed at the bottom of the steps to the large seated Golden Buddha. Looking at the two golden handrails that were carved into the shapes of two multi headed sea Serpents the Golden One sadly said,

"I will never forget you my friends."

And a tear did run down the sea Serpents face.

AMEN.

MORAL OF THE PARABLE IS; The things in life that can make you VERY happy, can also make you VERY sad.

Coming sooner or later another one.

The Royal Glitterman hath spoken.

.

Thankyou for choosing this Glitterman product. Should you not be entirely satisfied with this Glitterman product, then you have 5 minutes to decide whether to change it for any other Glitterman product, only in the 'Glitterman Speaks about,' range. Must show your receipt first. No receipt, no change.

The Almighty and Powerful Wizard is back yet again and gives you;

PARABLE 76869084575487669878776574576744967845 Parable of 'The cheese from the moon'....yet again.

.........And so, slowly cycling along Pattaya Beach road one day, the Golden Glitterman did happen to see many Thai people clad in gold costumes. The Golden Glitterman smiled and said,

"Good to see everybody is finally dressing just like me. I do not follow fashion, I set it...Ha ha ha."

Suddenly six gold clad ladies did happen to come running towards the Golden One shouting,

"Save us O Great Golden One for we are traditional Thai dancers, and one of owah dancers is sick, too much dlink last night. We have show tonight, we need you to dance wiv us."

And the girls did hold up a face mirror for the Great Golden One to look into and kiss repeatedly, and then the girls did say.

"Behold, for you are legend."

The Golden One gave that beautiful Goldenman smile, kissed the face mirror repeatedly and said,

"Fear not traditional Thai dancers, for as you know I am the Great Golden Glitterman, and upon your stage I shall dance. Michael Jackson and I have a lot in common. My Moon cheese made him Moonwalk."

The dancers looked puzzled and scratched their heads.

..............That night a large audience sat before a large stage.

"You will be our second act on the stage." said the show manager.

"Great," replied the Golden One, "It will be wonderful, the best show I have ever given. I will just prepare myself ready for the show."

So the golden One started to do annoying star jump exercises and running on the spot to warm up.

The show began, the music played and onto the stage walked the first act. Fifteen traditional Thai dancers stood in a line, shuffling slowly to the music. After one minute they all very slowly lifted their right leg. then a few seconds later they all very slowly put it down, and very slowly lifted their left leg........

"oh dear!" Said the Golden One peering at that first act from behind the stage, "I had forgotten just how slow and boring traditional Thai dance was. Hardly a dance, more a stance. The only thing worse than having to sit through one of those shows would be reading one of these parable, or watching paint dry."

The Golden One then peered at the audience who had by now all fallen asleep. All except for one man, a living statue, who was entirely covered in a green bronze paint, and sitting with a big grin on his face the living statue clapped in very slow motion. A flurry of rain then fell upon the sleeping audience.

After the first act had painfully finished the show manager looked at the Golden One and the six Thai dancers and said,

"Okay, okay, you on now, go go go."

On to the stage walked the six Thai dancers with the Golden One at the end who had a huge smug grin upon his face.

"F##k me!" said one man in the audience with a bottle of beer, "Its f#####g Liberache."

The Golden One jumped off the stage, raced towards the man, grabbed hold of his beer bottle and said,

"Smile please its later than you think." Then the Golden One bashed the man over the head with his beer bottle saying, "Alcohol will be the death of you. Put out the light then put out the night for thy light hath doth extinguished." The man slumped forward and fell off the chair to the floor.

The Golden One then quickly jumped back onto the stage. The music started and the show began. The dancers all very slowly lifted their right leg, then they all very slowly put it down. Then they all very slowly lifted their left leg.......

"Okay, here goes, get a load of this." Said the Golden One, and he started dancing just like Michael Jackson. The audience starred in wide eyed amazement at the jumping sliding Golden One, and the Thai dancers tried their best to carry on with their routine dance. But the Golden Ones Jumping caused a spotlight on a stand to topple over and break upon the stage. The broken light bulb coming into contact with the earlier rainfall, which electrified the stage, causing the Thai dancers to suddenly wildly jump around. The audience now broke out into a huge round of applause, all except the living statue, who stood up and walked of in a huff. After five minutes of this the audience gave a standing ovation.

"God works in mysterious ways." Thought the Golden One.

...............Later that night the Golden One decided to put a floating good luck offering onto the sea.

"Oh my gosh, oh my golly," Swore the Golden One. "All the Floating offerings are all sold out. Never mind I have an idea."

So the Golden One popped into a 7/11 shop to buy a large sponge cake. But while he was waiting in the line to pay for his sponge cake a Thai lady jumped in and pushed in front of the Golden One.

"typical." Said the Golden One, "Apart from spitting on walking areas it seems your second favourite national pastime is pushing in front of felangs in 7/11 or Family Mart shops. As you like pushing in so much, here is one for you."

The Golden One then shoved the Thai lady hard and she fell face first onto the rotating hot sausage grill. Grilling her face with dark parallel lines. The Golden One then ran out of the shop with a big grin on his face and a sponge cake in his hands.

..............In the sea the Golden One rested the sponge cake onto the seawater. Then he placed a mouse trap, modified with razor blades on top of the sponge cake. Then baited the trap with a one Baht coin and a piece of cheese from the Moon. then attached a fishing line to the sponge cake and gently pushed the sponge cake out to sea. His cake floated away, joining the mass of floating good luck offerings with their one Baht coins and wading baht snatchers.

"Time for a bit of sea fishing," Said the Golden One, "Any second now."

'SNAP!'.........."AAARRRGGGHHH!"

A young riff raff rascal with a pocket full of one baht coins screamed and held up his fingerless hand, the blood spurting out from the stumps.

"Ha, ha ha," Laughed the Golden One reeling in his catch, "fishy fingers for tea, I do love Loy Grathong, such fun."

AMEN.

Coming sooner or later, another one.

The Royal Glitterman hath Spoken.

Thank you for choosing this 'Glitterman' product. while every care has been taken for detail. The ingredients of this 'Halloween treat' may leave you with a nasty after taste.

The Almighty and Powerful Wizard is back yet again, and gives you;

PARABLE FROM THE BOOK OF REVELATIONS OF THE CHEESE FROM THE MOON, 666.

................And so, slowly cycling along Pattaya's Beach Road on Halloween day, the Golden Ones face did happen to start twitching uncontrollably. Just then he happened to see a man come running towards him saying,

"Hello O Great Golden Glitterman," Said the man, "I think its really great what you are doing, you are adding colour to Pattaya, and putting a smile on the peoples faces. Well done, keep it up, and a happy Halloween to you sir."

The Golden One got off his beautiful golden bicycle, looked at the man and said,

"Smile please, its later than you think."

Then the Golden One took out a large coconut knife from under his Golden coat and with a quick swipe lopped the top of the mans head off. Blood poured all over the mans face as he fell to the floor. Then the Golden One reached into the dead mans skull and pulled out his still warm brains, then holding them high up in one hand said,

"Now this man had brains, you shall all follow his good example."

Then the Golden One sliced open the stomach of the dead man and removed eight foot of intestine. Holding the ends of the intestine in each hand, the Golden One danced merrily about singing "Happy Halloween."

A beautiful Thai lady, carrying two bags of shopping in her hands approached. Dropping her bags she screamed and ran towards the dead man. Kneeling on the floor beside him, holding his lifeless hand in hers, she cried and sobbed and said,

"My dear, my love , my husband. You were the only one I ever loved in my life. Whyyyyyy, whyyyyyyy you never hurt anybody, why somebody do this. What will our children do know? My heart is broken, I want to die....Boo hoo....Blub blub!"

"And so you shall," laughed the Golden one, "Smile please, its later than you think."

'CHOP!'

The Golden Ones coconut knife swooped down on top of the beautiful ladies head, splitting her skull in two. The lady fell across her dead husband forming a crucifix shape. her body still twitching violently. Then the Golden One reached into her skull and pulled out half of her split brain, held it up high and said,

"See, small brains, well we all knew that did we not?"

Then the Golden One kicked over the ladies dead body until it faced upwards, and with his coconut knife sliced open the ladies chest. Then reaching into her chest the Golden One removed her still warm heart. Holding her heart in one hand held high, the Golden One sang the popular Thai song; 'Do da dum'. The Golden One then sat inside the chest cavity of the dead lady and pretended to be rowing a boat, while at the same time singing,

"Michael jackson rows the boat ashore halleeeyyuuuuyaaaaa."

Then tugging out various organs from the dead lady he tossed them to the horrified crowd saying,

"Here you are, happy Halloween, you could be next."

Then chopping off the ladies hand and placing it on top of his beautiful hat, the Golden One looked into his face mirror, kissed his face mirror, and said,

"I would like you all to give me a big hand round of applause...Ha ha ha."

Then the Golden One stuffed cheese from the Moon into the empty skulls of the dead lady and man. After, The Golden One stood up and proceeded to dance merrilly through the streets of Pattaya city.

Men, women and children fell victim to the Golden Ones wonderful killing spree.

"Ha ha ha, I am enjoying this." Laughed the Golden One. "I dont know why I did not do this before, great fun.....Ha ha ha."

Suddenly a large group of men jumped onto the Golden One, pushing him to the floor. When on the floor the men held down the Golden Ones hands and feet, and placed a door on top of his chest. On to this door the men placed large rocks, 'pressing' the Golden One.

Laughing uncontrollably the Golden One breathed in quickly, and all the rocks sprang off the door, high into the air and came down upon the heads of the men and other bystanders, crushing their spines and splitting open their skulls.

"Ha ha ha." Laughed the Golden One as he got to his feet, and then he cut all their heads off, and kicked them into the sea like footballs.

The Golden One then got on to his beautiful bicycle and cycled slowly through the scarred crowds outside Central Plaza on second road shouting,

"Repent, repent for I am the glitter of golden light. Follow me and I shall light and shine for you the way to righteousness. For I am the Almighty and Powerful wizard, and by royal decree I hereby demand all peasants to bow and curtsy as I pass them on my royal chariot, the Royal Glitterman hath Spoken....ha ha ha ha."

Suddenly a policeman appeared, aimed his gun at the Golden One and fired,

'BANG!.....BANG!.....BANG!'

The Golden One quickly opened his eyes, and standing in front of him was a ferang lady with a camera, knocking on the bench he was sitting on.

"Sorry to wake you up, picture please." said the smiling lady.

The Golden One looked at the empty bottle of Whisky in his right hand and said,

"Yes certainly, that strong Whisky had knocked me out for a while."

The Golden One threw away his empty bottle of Whisky, and attempted to stand up. But as he did, a large blood stained coconut knife fell out of the Golden One's Golden coat onto the floor. The Golden One picked up the coconut knife, looked at the ferang lady, and giving that beautiful Golden man smile said,

"Smile please, its later than you think."

AMEN.

MORAL OF THE PARABLE IS; Never take anyone on face value, you never can tell. 'Then as now tis simple truth, sweetest tongue has sharpest tooth.'

COMING SOONER OR LATER; [the postponed] 'Glitterman makes a dummy out of himself and falls in love.'

The Royal Glitterman hath spoken.....Ha ha ha.

[please note; This Parable is not meant to be taken seriously in any way what so ever. It is ONLY meant to be a slice of harmless HALLOWEEN FANTASY FUN]

.

Thankyou for choosing this Glitterman product. Collect all forthcoming 25,000 articles in the 'Glitterman Speaks About' range. Print them out to keep, or exchange them with your friends, fiends or foe.

The Almighty and Powerful Wizard is back yet again and gives you;

PARABLE 845759875423965743569174505437567757435727694562439569075234523457987692437856347562784574565643789885357 Parable of the 'Cheese from the Moon'...again.

.............And so, slowly cycling along Pattaya Beach Road one day, the Great Golden Glitterman did happen to start thinking,

"Just as my beautiful bicycle is two tired, I too am too tired, too tired of being a superhero. I think it is time to hang up my hat, call it a day and let someone else do it instead."

Suddenly a policeman did happen to come running towards the Golden One,

"Save us O Gleat Golden Glitterman." Cried the policeman, "We have put banners all over Pattaya offeling lewards for the capture of dlug dealers, but so fa nothing. You our only hope."

'NO, save yourselves." Snapped the Golden One, "I am retard now."

...........And so the Golden One put an advert on the notice board of the 'Freindship supermarket' store; 'SUPERHERO WANTED, MUST HAVE GOOD SENSE OF BALANCE, MEET ME ON THE SANDS.'

A white faced Thai lady with red eyes, wearing long denim trousers stood at the bottom of Soi 8 on Beach Road, directing traffic, pointing to cars then to her shoes repeatedly. After this, she marched like a German soldier on to the beach sand to meet the Golden One. Also a small Thai man, with words tattooed all over his gaunt face also appeared from Soi 8 to meet the Golden One.

"Great, you will be Pattaya's new superheros." Said an excited Golden One, "Over there is my beautiful bicycle, and here are a few crates of cheese from the Moon and nuts from Mars which you may need. Today is Halloween, there are plenty of evil spirits lurking everywhere, not just in glasses. You must rid this city of these terrible demons."

"Uuuuuuuurrrrrrrggggghhhh!" Replied the white faced lady and tattooed faced man, and they both jumped onto the Golden Ones beautiful bicycle and wobbled away, amidst the sound of cars tooting their horns.

"I shall go and sit inside Royal garden Plaza for a bit." said the Golden One with a sigh of relief, "While my new superheros get on with their superheroing. I shall sit near this living statue and have a snooze..........zzzzzzzzzzz"

................Outside the white faced lady crept up behind a policeman and carefully removed his gun from his holster. Then she approached a nearby bear bar.

Outside the beer bar stood demons clad in long black cloaks with hideous skull like faces, waving their hands about and taunting the public as they passed the beer bar.

the white faced lady walked like a German soldier towards that beer bar, shouting and repeatedly pointing at the demons then to her shoes. she then raised the policeman's gun, and aimed it at the demons.

'BANG!......BANG!......BANG!'

Three demons fell to the floor, any ferang who tried to help was warned off by the tattooed faced man, who waved a large mango knife at them. Instantly the tattooed faced man approached the slain demons, and with the mango knife he cut off the heads of the three demons.

'CHOP!......CHOP!.....CHOP!'

The tattooed faced man then grabbed hold of their hair and held the three severed heads up high. The skull masques slipped off the severed heads, revealing three human faces. The white faced lady and tattooed faced man quickly jumped onto the Golden Ones beautiful bicycle and quickly wobbled away.

...........Inside Royal Garden Plaza the Golden One woke up to find his hat upside down on the floor in front of him, full of money.

"I am not a living statue." Shouted the Golden One angrily, and threw the money up high into the air. "I will go and see how my new superheroes are coping with their first day of superheroing."

Walking along Beach Road towards soi 8, a policeman did happen to come running towards the Golden One shouting,

"Save us O Great Golden Glitterman, for now we have a mass murderer on our hands. I know you are retard, but we need you."

The Golden One looked at the three heads on the floor, which had by now attracted a red parrot that had started scrapping of the flesh with its beak and eating it. Then the Golden One smugly said,

"Fear not Mr Policeman, for as you know I am the Great Golden Glitterman, righter of wrongs and wronger of rights, and I am considering your plea." Then the Golden One looked closer at the three heads and said, "Well there are your drug dealers that you have been advertising rewards for their capture."

"Oh yes!" said the happy policeman and held up a face mirror in front of the Golden Ones face for the Golden One to see into and kiss repeatedly. Then the policeman dropped to his knees, and grabbing hold of the Golden Ones feet did worship the Golden One saying,

"It is not the same without you, pleeeeeeeesseeeee."

"Okay, Okay." said the Golden One, "I shall bring you the mass murderer. What did he look like? Never mind I have no time for details, time is of great importance before he strikes again."

........On the way, the Golden One soon met up with the white faced lady and tattooed faced man, who had just collided with a hot sausage street vendor and said,

"Give me back my beautiful bicycle, as I have just decided to come out of retardment as there is an emergency. So you two can hop it, go on sling your hook, be off with you. There is a mass murderer on the rampage and this city is only big enough for one superhero, and you can give me back my crates of cheese from the Moon and nuts from Mars too."

'BANG!........CHOP!'

The Golden One was shot and his head severed, and then hidden inside an orange beer bar balloon for the Halloween party decoration.

...................Midnight, and the usual ritual popping of all the balloons by the bar girls begins. An unsuspecting bar girl is just about to have the fright of her life,

'POP!'..............................."Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!"

AMEN.

MORAL OF THE PARABLE IS; Keep your cool, do not lose your head. You do not know what you have got, until it is gone.

Coming sooner or later; 'Glitterman makes a dummy of himself, but falls in love.'

The Royal Glitterman hath spoken.

Thankyou for choosing this Glitterman product. Should you not be entirely satisfied with this Glitterman product, then please send the contents in its original box back to Glitterman productions, along with your original receipt......What?.....No receipt......TOO BAD.

The almighty and Powerful Wizard is back yet again, and gives you;

PARABLE 8574509534i58889865895568978746594205870507267856915649875628795617845689475748568664657545775745 The parable of 'The cheese from the Moon'....yet again.

..........And so, slowly cycling along Beach Road one day, the Great Golden One did happen to see that the sea tide was unusually high,

"My, my, that tide looks high." Said the surprised Golden One.

Just then, four men in long white coats, glasses and clipboards did happen to come running towards the Golden One.

"Oh!...They have come for me yet again." Thought the Golden One, "Where can I hide, such is fame."

"Save us O Great Golden One," Cried the four men in the long white coats, "For we are scientists and the Moon is on a collision coarse with our world, aiming straight for Pattaya. Although the Moon is much smaller that the Earth, size is irrelevant. We are all doomed. Consider relativity, mass and energy are equivalent, also that mass, dimension and time changes with increased velocity, we are ALL DOOOOOMED, you are Earths only hope." Then they held up a face mirror for the Golden One to look into and kiss repeatedly.

"Fear not." said the Golden One, "for i am the Great Golden Glitterman, righter of wrongs and wronger of rights, superhero of Pattaya.[KISS....KISS......KISS]...and I will save the Earth for you, as I have an idea......[KISS...KISS...KISS]"

......So the Golden One cycled away, and still kissing a face mirror thought,

"That is why the sea tide was high, the moon pulls the sea tide level up towards the Moon, now what can I do to save the world?...Ah yes!,I know...[KISS...KISS....KISS]"

....And so the Golden One went to buy some balloons,

"Oh my gosh, Oh my golly," Swore the Golden One, "Time is running out and all the shops have sold out of balloons, but i think I know where they have all gone.

.........And so the Golden One became a 'Balloon chaser.'

"Ah!, here is a beer bar about to have a party." said the Golden One, "Oh hello girls, your beautiful balloons are about to save the world."

"Hellooo, welcaaaam hansum man. sit down please, one dliiink." said a smiling bar girl, "Oh...its....its....G...G....G...Golden Man, I love you, please sign your name on my....." Suddenly thirty screaming bar girls did happen to jump upon the Golden One, creating a human pile.

Slowly out from underneath this pile emerged a hand holding a crumpled feathered hat. Then slowly the Golden one crawled out from under the pile, and with a rather smug grin, angrily said,

"No, no, I have not touched alcohol for over twenty years, horrible stuff, tastes absolutely disgusting, and often looks just like urine. just look at my crumpled hat now. It is a known fact that monkeys up in the trees deliberately eat over ripe, partly fermented fruit for that same effect. then after the monkeys swing from branch to branch in a dangerous, carefree way, not feeling the bruises after falling. Likewise 65% of all you beer bar girls will have motorbike accident scars."

The bar girls looked puzzled and said,

"me love you, me go wiv yoooou."

The Golden One put his crumpled hat back on to his head and said,

"No, I dont think so, and I can see in your eyes many, many, many guys."

Upon hearing this all the bar girls did once again pile upon the golden one, only this time with a bottle of Thai Whisky and a funnel.

After this, the golden One stood up, dusted himself off and said,

"Well now that I have had a drink, I think i will sample some of your free food. that pig on a spit looks good......mmmmm!....Yum!, yum!"

............And so eight hours later, after having visited every beer bar in the city holding a party the Golden One collected thousands of balloons and a huge five foot belly of pork and Whisky. Then attaching all the balloons to his beautiful bicycle he painfully cycled to the top of the Buddha hill. He then rested all the balloons on the highest part of the hill and then lying on his back the Golden One said.

"My belly is full, I think I will have a bit of a snooze.......zzzzzzzzzzzz."

So the Golden One fell into a lovely sleep and dreamed....."I the Mayor of Pattaya congratulate you for your idea O Great Golden One. Your balloons have bounced the Moon back to where it used to be, well done."

........................After one hour the Golden One woke up and said,

"Ah! Here comes the moon now, only ten seconds left to impact and bounce....AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!......Where have all my balloons gone?"

"F##k you bullshit, dis not for you, dis balloons for da beer bar," Shouted an angry bar girl half way down the hill, carrying away all the balloons, "Anyway size is illelevant, consider eelevtivity,"

Suddenly the Moon hit the Golden Ones huge five foot belly, 'BOIINNG!!!!' and bounced back up into the sky, causing the Golden One to spew out a fountain of pork and Whisky all over Pattaya city,

"Ah!, That is better," said the Golden one, "No more fat belly."

The Golden One then got on to his beautiful bicycle to claim his praise. But the Moon had bounced too far up and so hit Mars. The cheese on the Moon acted like a rubber cushion, bouncing the Moon back off Mars again. The nuts all over the surface of Mars sticking to the Moons moon cheese.

"Oh no!" Said the Golden One, "Here comes the Moon again, I have an idea."

So the Golden One quickly removed his beautiful hat. Turned his hat upside down, and captured the Moon inside his hat saying,

"The size of the Moon in the sky is STILL the same size when the Moon is on the Earths surface. Actual size does not change. Size is irrelevant, consider relativity."

The Golden One then scraped off the cheese and nuts, and slung the Baht sized Moon back up into the sky.....AMEN.

MORAL OF THE PARABLE IS; There is nothing real outside our perception of reality.....is there.

Coming in a week; 'Glittermans Halloween special.'

The Royal Glitterman hath Spoken.

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Thank you for choosing this 'Glitterman' product. 'Nuts from Mars' should reach you in a satisfactory condition, and fulfill your questionable expectations.

The Almighty and Powerful Wizard is back and gives you;

PARABLE 7680947835786540878790605699520080195854768760986675858848849687764992, The Parable of Nuts from Mars.

....................And so, cycling slowly along Beach Road one day, the great Golden Glitterman did happen to see the Chanel 7 News team,

"Mr Golden Glitterman, a few question please," Said the interviewer, "Is it true that your author, known only as James Bond for the last decade is in fact a member of the British Royal Family and that his uncle is the 7th richest person in England with 1.6 Billion Pounds according to media reports of a decade ago."

The Golden One gave that beautiful Golden man smile, kissed his face mirror and said,

"If a dismayed alien from Mars were to sum up the Earths entire human race it would only take just 3 words; MONEY MONEY MONEY."

The interviewer scratched his head and said, "Are you an alien from Mars Mr Golden Glitterman?'

Just then the Mayor of Pattaya did happen to come running towards the Golden One with a mirror in his hand,

"Save me, save me O Great Golden Glitterman," the Mayor said, "for I have decided to retire, and I want you to take over and be the new Mayor of Pattaya."

The Mayor then held up a mirror in front of the Golden Ones face for the Golden One to look into and kiss repeatedly.

The Golden One thought long and hard about this decision. Then after 25 minuits said,

"Er....Okay."

....................A HUGE parade, led as usual by the Golden One, was followed by a public ceremony outside Central Plaza on Beach Road.

The golden One, standing on a stage spoke into a microphone and addressed the huge crowd with a slow, low voice.

"It is.....indeed.......a great honor.....for me to become......." Suddenly a scream from the crowd was heard,

"A thief has just stolen my heavy gold necklace," Said a panicked lady.

"Fear not Mrs panicked lady said the Golden One, for I am the Great Golden Glitterman and I will relieve you of your temporary panic."

The Golden One then reached into his pocket and threw nuts from Mars at the running thief.

"Whhhoooaaahhhh!" Said the thief as he slipped upon the nuts. causing the necklace to be flung high into the air, far above the crowds and clouds, and come landing around the Golden Ones neck.

Then the Golden One took out his face mirror, and kissing the mirror said,

"I thus accept this gift, got any more?"

Just then an above spotlight exploded, sending sparks on to the Golden Ones feathered hat, igniting his hat into a burst of flames. The crowd uncontrollably laughing as the Golden One screamed a strange unmanly Micheal Jackson type scream, "Yeeooowwww!," and ran into the sea.

Standing in the sea, the flames doused, the Golden One looked up towards the sky and did happen to see a white 7/11 plastic bag floating by in the wind.

Then a HUGE group of many hundreds of 'Hells Angels' club type motorbike riders come riding along Beach road. Upon seeing the Golden One they all stopped and said,

"We are the 3 motorbike clubs of Pattaya, that bag led us to you. We bring you gifts of gold, gold and gold, for you are the chosen one and you will lead us.

With a beautiful smile the Golden One jumped upon his beautiful bicycle and shouted,

"Stuff being the Mayor, this is the life for me."

Then he very slowly led the group of motorbike riders along Beach Road and up to the Buddah Mountain. The deep thunder from the bikes engines causing the earth to quake and rocks to break and the large 'P A T T A Y A city' sign to slide.

"Ooooppsss!," Said one rider, "we have caused a landslide."

The Golden One and the hundreds of riders stood on top of the mountain, watching Pattaya City slowly vanish into the mud. After 15 minuits the entire city had vanished.

"Looks a bit bare." said the Golden One, and stuffed Nuts from Mars into the exhaust pipe of one of the bikes, revved the engine and the nuts flew far out and scattered into the mud. Instantly huge 100 foot alien nut trees grew.

"I dont know," said one rider, "Me Noks down in there, and I kinda miss her."...."Yeah me too"......"And me." said others.

"Huh?" Said the first rider.

"Yes, you are right, Its not the same without old Pattaya." said the Golden One and stuffed more nuts into the bikes exhaust, aimed it out towards the sea, and revved the engine. The nuts splashing far out into the sea, and landed down onto the sea bed. Instantly large alien nut trees grew on the sea bed, causing the sea bed plates to slide making an underwater earth quake.

"Ah!...Here it comes." Said the Golden One.

A huge tsunami came in and washed away all the mud that had covered Pattaya.

"Now everything is back the way it was again." Said the Golden One.

"No, not everything." said one bike rider.

The Golden One slowly turned towards the bike rider, then the Golden One gave that beautiful Golden man smile and said,

"Hello Mr Mayor."

................And everybody, including the Chanel 7 news crew sat down to a wonderful cheese from the moon and nuts from Mars tea party..........AMEN

MORAL OF THE PARABLE IS, Look in the mirror and make that change, or give it a darn good kissing.

Coming sooner or later, Glitterman becomes a balloon chaser and saves the World.

The Royal Glitterman hath Spoken.

Click on this; http://stickmanweekl...Golden-Cape.htm

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.Thank you for choosing this Glitterman product. This product was made in Thailand, so you may find the top head part missing or defective.

The almighty and Powerful Wizard is back yet again, and gives you;

PARABLE 94782647599873610048733647987365278476777365 Parable of the 'Cheese from the moon'....yet again.

................And so, cycling along Pattaya's Beach Road one day, the Great Golden Glitterman did happen to see 30 Thai Army tanks standing still in the road, with all their guns pointed out towards the sea. An Army Officer did come running towards the Golden One shouting,

"Save us O Great Golden Glitterman, for we are just about to be attacked by U.F.O.s , but all our tank shells are made in Thailand, so duds."

The golden One smiled and said,

"Fear not Mr Army man, for as you know I am the Great Golden Glitterman, righter of wrongs, wronger of rights, and I have an idea. I just happen to have 60 large crates of cheese from the moon on the back of my bicycle."

.....And as the 500 rather small U.F.O.s approached beach Road, the Golden One raised his white gloved hand and shouted "Fire!"

...SPLODGE!....SPLODGE!.....SPLODGE!.....Soon all the spaceships were covered in cheese from the moon and defeated, and lying upon Pattayas beach sand like dead jellyfish.

"Hoooraay, we won!" shouted the entire Thai Army

Suddenly the lid from one of the spaceships began moving, unscrewing. Two feet of shiny screw metal protuded when suddenly, the lid fell off. The Army gasped in amazement as a voice from within the spaceship was heard,

"Helloooo, welcaaam," It said, "Sit down please, one dliiink, I go wiv yoooou, were you go daleeeeeeeeen.?"

Then out of the spaceship popped up a bar girl. Then other bar girls appeared from out of their space ships. They all grouped together and said,

"Why you do like dis? We make ship out of beer bottle tops and old chrome poles to take us to da moon to get moon cheese for da golden One.....Where is he?"

The Golden One appeared from behind a tank and said,

"Oh hello girls, I was just checking this tanks engine. My, what lovely saucers you all have, small, but still nice."

Then the bar girl leader looked at the Golden One and said,

"You have big money, Me have sick buffalo in E-Sarn. Now you give me 50,000 baht, make him better."

And the Golden One said,

"Yes, certainly, I hope your buffalo gets better soon, here you are." and handed her the money.

Then another bar girl said, "my buffalo is sick too."

and another one said "so is mine, and so is my papas, actually I have 10 buffaloes, thats....er....4000 Baht please."

then the first bar girl said,

"F-----g bullshit, You only give me 49,000 Baht, you cheap charlie, me no like kenial."

So the Golden One reached into his pocket to get another 1000 Baht. But the bar girl thought he was going for a gun, and so zapped the Golden One with a home made laser made from an over powered red laser pointer. 'ZAAAP', But the ray bounced off the Golden Ones highly reflective gold coat and hit a bunch of coconuts in a palm tree. Causing one coconut to fall into a spaceship and hit the controlls. With the moon cheese already melted off by the hot sun, the pilotless spaceship zoomed of towards the Thai tanks.

"Lun, Lun!" Shouted the Thai Army as the spaceship whipped off the turrets from 4 tanks. Thence after a huge war did commence.

"ZAP.....BANG......BOOM....SPLODGE!"

The Golden One slyly slipped away, doing kung Foo Karate poses to nobody. While also kissing his face mirror and singing out loud 'Hotel california'. But a few seconds later a huge hand scooped up the Golden One and lifted him high into the air. The Golden One frooze with terror as he starred straight into the face of a huge ugly 80 foot alien, and glancing over the aliens shoulders he saw a huge spaceship with the country I.D. sticker 'Mars' on it.

"Er.....Hello Mr Alien", Said the Golden One, "you must of seen the bar girls coming from the moon and followed them to earth, My what big teeth you have, try some of my moon che...." With a 'GULP!' then a 'BURP' the alien swallowed the Golden One. But a few seconds later the Golden One emerged out of the puzzled aliens ass and said,

"Oooppps!, I left my beautiful hat inside." So the Golden One crawled back up inside the aliens ass. Then emerged a few seconds later wearing something brown on the top of his head.

"Thats not it." Said the amused alien, "I do not know what that is, but it is not your hat."

The Golden One throwing the brown object to the floor said,

"Oh, so now you speak English, do you. Well it dark in there and full of tunnels, any directions?"

"Turn left as soon as you are inside". said the alien.

So back up inside the Golden One went, and after 5 minuits of losing his way, found his hat. But just then a mouthful of 40 bar girls and 40 thai soldiers slid down the aliens throat to land on top of the Golden one.

"F-----g bullshit", said one bar girl " first you only give me 49,000 baht, now big felang alien with no hair eat me, I boxing you na."

And the Golden one said,

"Fear not, for I am the Great Golden Glitterman, and I have an idea. If we hang around in this aliens stomache for a while then we should be on Mars within the hour. Mars is a red planet because of the vast amount of small unshelled red nuts lying on the ground. I could write a whole new series on the parables of 'Nuts from Mars'. Actually it could well be alien shit on the ground instead of nuts. Never mind, I could write 'shit parables'...like this one.

"Yeeeaaahh! gwoood idea." said all the bar girls "we will go short and long time with all the big sexy man aliens. Bling back big money for my...er...sick buffalo".

"Yeeeaaahhh! gwoood idea." said all the Thai Army, "We will fight them and win, I like to eat marsipan, so we will call our new conquered land NARSE-PORN. The Narse- part is a reverse play on the name E-Sarn. It will be a play boys world. Built from the money from the bar girl trade. Pattaya on steroids.

The Golden one smiled and kissed his face mirror and said,

"You will be the Adam and Eve, and I fancy myself as King of Mars."

"Yeah!, You fancy yourself alright." said a bar girl. The Golden one Glared at her angrily.

.......And so, leaving Pattaya, Thailand, the World and enjoying a wonderful cheese from the moon tea party inside the aliens stomache they all sped off towards Mars. Smug that history would soon be in the making.

"Whats that sound, it sounds like a waterfall, maybe we have reached Mars already", said an exited soldier.

""Thats not waterfall", Yelled one bar girl, "Alien in da toilet."

"Well as long as he is not ON the toilet then we are all okay", Yelled back the Golden One. "And I do not fancy myself....Well maybe just a litt..." PLOP...FLUSH'

......And so, all having been flushed out of the spaceship, forever doomed to orbit the earth, the Golden satalite gave that beautiful Golden man smile, kissed his face mirror and said,

"Fear not, for I am the Great Golden Glitterman, and I have an idea..........."

AMEN.

MORAL OF THE PARABLE IS; When you are up to your eyes in shit, keep your mouth shut.

Coming sooner or later; 'Glittermans nuts from Mars'

The Royal Glitterman hath Spoken.

http://stickmanweekly.com/StickmanBangkokW...Golden-Cape.htm

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Thankyou for choosing this 'Glitterman' product. CONGRATULATIONS if you can get to the end.

The Almighty and Powerful Wizard is back again and gives you;

PARABLE 1746066632487081. The Parable of the 'cheese from the moon'....yet again.

.............And so cycling along Beach Road one day, the Golden Glitterman did happen to see beautiful golden haired lady stop him and say,

"I love you, I really love you, and I love what you write on the forums, I am going to bake you a lovely cheese cake as I know you like cheese. I only have one question; why do you never reply on the forums? Oh I really do love you."

The Golden One gave that beautiful Goldenman smile, kissed his face mirror and said,

"I love me too, and the reason I never reply on the forums is because......."

Suddenly a policeman shouted to the Golden One,

"Save us O Great Golden Glitterman for we are being tellolised by a gloup of thugs. Evelyday a blick is thlown at our Soi 9 Police station window. Please help us."

"Fear not Mr Policeman", Said the Golden One "For as you know I am the Great Golden Glitterman, fighting justice, righter of wrongs and wronger of rights, savior of Pattaya, and I will rid you of those terrible terrorists."

..........And so the Golden One, wearing a golden face mask sat on the benches on Beach road, amongst all the rentable ladies and their potential customers. Blending in perfectly the Golden One waited for the attackers to show up, and they did. But it was only one thug. The thug, wearing a fancy feathered hat and gold coat threw a brick at the police station window and quickly hobbled away on his walking stick to hide behind a tree and watch the outcome. The thug laughing as the police ran out firing guns into the air, then quickly running back inside again.

"Strange how he.....he looks.....looks just like me, only much older." Said the Golden One, "Maybe he is my ghost from the future. Oh no! The thug is hobbling this way, I hope he has not seen me."

So the Golden One quickly ran onto the sand, got down on his hands and knees, and dug a football sized hole in the sand. Then stuck his head in the hole and covered his head up thinking,

"This is a great trick the Ostriches use. That thug will never see me, I am proud to use Ostrich feathers on my...OOOWWW!

The Golden Ones ass was kicked hard making him fly through the air and far out to see with a SPLASH!

Swimming back the Golden One said "Hmmmm I have a plan to catch that riff raff rascal thug."

.............So the next day on the Beach Road path a huge upside down wooden box lay propped up by a large stick and attached to this stick was a long rope, and at the end of this rope was the Golden Ones hand.

"This will get him." said the Golden one. "I have laid a trail of cheese from the moon onto the ground, starting at the police station and ending up under the propped up box. When the thug is under the box I will pull the stick away and the box will fall, capturing the thug. Ahh! here he comes now, right on time."

The thug wearing a fancy feathered hat and gold coat with his brick ready in his hand approached the police station. But just as he was about to toss the brick at the window, the door of the police station opened and out came three police men, eating the trail of moon cheese. The thug quickly hobbled away. But the three police men continued to eat the trail of moon cheese until they were all under the box. Suddenly the beautiful golden haired ferang lady appeared, and in her outstretched arms was a huge four foot high cheese cake,

"Oh Glittery my love," she said, "I have a huge surprise for yoooooo....OOOPPPS!"

Not seeing the rope across the path in front of her, she tripped up on it, causing the box to fall, trapping the three police men inside, and sending the cheese cake flying through the air, landing with a 'SPLAT!' on the Golden Ones face.

Then out of the police station came the police big chief Powowblahblah.

"Did you trap the window bleaking thugs?" he asked.

"Eeerrr yes, they are all in there", Said the Golden one wiping his face clean. "I would help you lift the box up, but I do not want to get my hat dirty. Oh! is that the time? I really must dash." and the Golden One got ready to run away. But just then, muffled voices came from under the box,

"Okay, we admit it, its a fair cop." The three police men under the box shouted, "Yes we are the fake bogus police men in fake police uniforms scamming the public, and we would of got away with it too, but for that pesky glittery super hero there. Lovely cheese though. Crackers anyone?"

"Well done O Golden Glitterman." said big chief Powowblahblah, "We have been after those guys for weeks."

SMASH!....hearing the crash of glass, the big chief and the Golden One turned towards the police station to see the thug wearing a fancy feathered hat and gold coat hobble away on his walking stick to hide behind a tree and watch the outcome ....Then vanish into thin air.....AMEN.

MORAL OF THE PARABLE IS; All is not what it seems to be. The brick throwing thug did NOT kick the Golden Ones ass into the sea, he only approached the Golden One to warn him. Instead it was the beautiful golden haired ferang lady that did the ass kicking. Later she laced her home made cheese cake with poison for the Golden One.

The brick thrown at the window was meant to HELP the police, as it had all the details of the FOUR, yes FOUR bogus fake police men on the bottom of the brick. Police big chief Powowblahblah was the ringleader.

The Royal Glitterman hath Spoken.

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Thankyou for choosing this Glitterman product. You have made the right choice. Quality is far super seeded by quantity here.

The Almighty and Powerful wizard is back and gives you;

PARABLE 53521817. The Parable of the cheese from the moon again.

...........And so the Golden One having run out of cheese from the moon decided to visit the moon again and get some more moon cheese. "This time i shall inquire about visa requirements". he thought. So the Golden One went to talk to Pattaya Immigration in Jomtien.

"Hello Mr Immigration man, I intend to visit the moon shortly to bring back plenty of cheese. So I have some questions for you". Polightly asked the Golden One. "Must I get a departure stamp in my Passport when leaving Thailand?, Do I need a Visa to enter the moon?, and how much moon cheese can I bring back into Thailand?"

Jets of steam suddenly seemed to emerge from the Immigrations mans ears as he shouted "Cheese? moon? cheese? moon? You klazy fellang why you not go Tops supermarket?, If you no like Thailand why you no go back home your own country? OUT!, OUT!, OUT!" And the Golden One was slung out of the building on to his ass.

"he obviously did not know the answers and did not want to lose face" Thought the Golden One. The Earth, seen from the moon is very clear. But the countries boundary lines are NOT visible. That is because they DO NOT EXCIST. One day the world WILL be as one. Never mind I shall offer this one a gift of my cheese from the moon for HAPPY".

So he picked up his hat and dusted himself off. Then walking calmly back up the Immigration steps, The Golden One stopped, held open the door and shouted out "Kiss my moon cheese ass!" And threw in a home made stink bomb that he made earlier with rotten cheese from the moon. Then quickly ran back down the steps, jumped on to his bicycle, and quickly cycled off at top speed, laughing uncontrollably as he heard coughing behind him, followed by a Police car siren, then gunshots.

.............And so much much much later that same day, the Golden One started to build his spaceship that would take him to the moon for more moon cheese. "I have bought all these colourful balloons from 'Toys R us' in central plaza. But I need hot air to fill them with". Thought the Golden One, "What can I do?...I know......"

........So he rounded up many sinners from a nearby beer bar, sat them down and began preaching to them about alcohol and bar girls, while constantly blowing into the balloons. When he finished the Golden One said "There is nothing quite like the hot air from a preacher, especially if it is me".

Then he attached the 500 balloons to the front and back of his beautiful bicycle which was anchored to a lamp post.

.......It was a marvelous majestic sight on Pattaya beach for the farewell to the Golden Glitterman. A huge crowd had gathered to say goodbye. There was even a uniformed big brass band playing. When the fanfare stopped the Golden One said,

"As you all know I am the Great Golden Glitterman. Superhero of Pattaya. righter of wrongs and wronger of rights. I am going to the moon to bring back lots of cheese for myself and maybe a bit for you too. I have written a poem for you to remember my by while I am gone, its called MY HAT". The Golden One cleared his throat, and in a clear loud voice read out his poem,

"I love my hat,

It is such a beautiful hat,

It has two yellow feathers on my hat,

and it looks good on my head, does my hat"

The Golden one finished reading his poem and looked at the stunned silent crowd. Absolute silence from the crowd continued for another ten seconds. Then the crowd let out a small cheer and waved goodbye, and the big brass band played.

Up up and away he flew, the Golden One sitting on his bicycle was lifted up by the 500 balloons high into the air. Waving goodbye to the crowd he dissapeared far above the crowds and clouds.............But then the Golden One came back down and said,

"I forgot my hat, where is it?' Does anybody know where I left it?"

"Its on yer head mate" said one man.

"Oh yes, silly me". Said an embarressed Golden One and back up into the clouds he flew.........But then he came back down again. The band had by now stopped playing and smiles from the crowd were wearing thin.

"No its NOT on my head" Said the Golden One, "Where is my hat?' Then glancing over to a nearby Beer bar he saw his hat, stuck on the wall being used as a dartboard. So he jumped off his golden bicycle and angrily marched over to the beer bar to retrieve his hat. But on the way there the crowd broke out into a huge roar of laughter. The Golden One slowly turned around to see his bicycle floating away up into a dark raincloud. Only to be struck by lightening, and with balloons exploding come plumeting down straight into the sea with a 'splash! Then the Golden One calmly said,

"I have decided to postpone my trip to the moon for now, you lot obviously need more preaching too". So the Golden One preached for 40 days and 40 nights, occasionally stopping to kiss his face mirror.

Shorly after that the Golden One suddenly remembered he had super hero powers. So he flew to the moon like super man, scooped up loads of moon cheese and returned within the hour.........AMEN

Moral of the parable is; The fun is in getting there.

The Royal Glitterman hath Spoken.

Thankyou for choosing this 'Glitterman' product. If for any reason you should not be entirely satisfied with the effect of this visual sleeping pill, then re-click on this post and read it again and again until it works, thus bumping up my 'VIEWS' counter.

The Almighty and Powerful Wizard is back again with this parable;

PARABLE 479384. The Parable of the cheese from the moon.....Yet again.

..............And so cycling slowly along Beach Road one day, the Golden Glitterman did happen to see absolutely nobody come running out for him to save.

"Nobody needs saving today". The Golden One thought. "So even though I have not watched telly for over 8 years, I shall sneak into the Central Plaza cinema and watch the new movie for a while".

So making himself nice and comfortable in his cinema seat, the cinema lights then faded out and the movie started. But the Golden One did suddenly hear many people behind him 'Tutting!'

"Oooopps they are tutting at me" Thought the Golden One "Because my big feathery hat is in their way so they can not see the screen. I will remove my hat and place it on my knees, like so". But the tutting did not stop, it only dramaticly increased. "It must be because it is a bad movie". thought the Golden One.

........Outside, after the movie had finished, the Golden One walked away and while drying the back of head with a golden hanky he said, "They really must fix that leaking air condition system inside that new cinema, the back of my head is soaking wet......strange though.......It feels rather like SPIT". The Golden One tutted with anger.

...............Suddenly a heavy rain downpour began and a ferang man came running shouting, "Save us O Great Golden Glitterman, for we are all surely to be drowned by this heavy rain".

And the Golden one gave that beautiful goldenman smile and said "Fear not, for as you know I am the Great Golden Glitterman. Savior of the world, the most photographed western ferang in the history of Thailand......Brag brag brag [One hour later] brag brag brag......Front covers of magazines, newspapers, books, national and internation telly news features, and now I will save you from this terrible flood. You all must build an Ark out of the wood from beer bars, so TEAR ALL THE BEER BARS DOWN!, I would help you but I do not want to get my hat dirty".

.....And so a rather smallish wooden boat was quickly built, and the Golden one placed some gold tinsel round the edge to make himself feel at home.

"We will never all get in that small boat, there are thousands of us". Protested one man.

"Nonsense!" Exclaimed the Golden one, "Another guy also with long hair did this same thing with millions of species of the world a couple of thousand years ago, and nobody questioned that. NOW IN YOU GO! and leave a lot of room for me, my bicycle and 25 crates of cheese from the moon".

So all the good people of Pattaya squashed in and the boat floated away. "Now the idea of mine is that we should safely land on the mountain peak when the water level drops". Explained the Golden one.

"But we are floating out to see". said one lady.

"Oh I sort of had not thought of that". said the Golden One slyly. So, far out to sea they did float. Then after kissing a small mirror for three hours the Golden One climbed up onto his crates of cheese from the moon and shouted, "Now I am going to preach to you about the righteous path one should take in Pattaya. There will be NO beer bars, No alcohol, NO bar girls, No ladyboys, No gay men.....[One hour later].........No drug users, No wild dogs, No telly watchers, I am sure there were more than ten people on my Ark an hour ago, perhaps the hot sun was too much for them and they have gone for a swim. Anyway I shall continue, NO road spitters...." Much later the Golden one said, "Oh look the sea tide is bringing us back in to Pattaya".

....And the wooden Ark did indeed return to Pattaya. Then the Golden One excitedly said, "Land ahoy. Look there is the top of the mountain, and over there is Central shopping Plaza".

"but now we are going to far inland, we are now outside of Pattaya'. protested one angry man

"PATIENCE!" impatiently snapped the Golden One, "For the rain has stopped and the water level is dropping fast, and you are looking to be banged on the head by an over sized wooden polo mallet if you speak again".

......And indeed the flood water did dissapear and the wooden Ark came to a standstill.

"Where are we?" Asked one girl. "We seem to have landed in some small lake".

"Okay everybody out!" Commanded the Golden One. "We can swim to this small lakes shore". So they all got into the water and started to swim.

"I know where we are". said one lady. "There is a sign over there on the shore, it says DANGER DO NOT LEAN TO FAR OVER THE EDGE WHEN FEEDING THE CROCODILES".

"Fear not". said the Golden One with a shaky voice. "The crocodiles may have swam away with the flood, I do not think that they are territorial....AAAGGGHHH.....Please do not eat me Mr crocodile, for I am the Great Golden Glitterman and I have some wonderful cheese from the moon you might care to try instead".

The crocodile tried some cheese from the moon and said, "Thats greeeeeaaaaat cheese, wonderful tangy taste, great texture. Do you have any more? where did you get it?"

"From the moon". Replied a delighted Golden One, and everybody sat down on the shore with all the crocodiles and had a wonderful cheese from the moon tea party. Then after the party the Golden One decided to make some cheese from the moon on toast. So he lured all those good people back to his Ark, and staying outside he locked them all in, and set fire to the Ark. Laughing as all the people burned alive.......AMEN.

Moral of the parable is....I do not know but I think it has something to do with cheese from the moon.

Coming in a week, yet another one like this one....only better.

The Royal Glitterman hath Spoken.

.

Thankyou for choosing this 'Glitterman' product. Should you not be completely satisfied with this 'Glitterman' product then, too bad, too late, you have already bumped up my 'views' counter.....Ha ha ha.

The Almighty and powerful Wizard is back again.......Whats that you say?......I am supposed to be dead, never to return?

In my land of cartoon fantasy ANYTHING is possible. If you dont like that excuse then sue me. My address is; Glitterman, 007 Goldielocks house, Soi Goofy, Disneyland Pattaya.

PARABLE 47935; The Parable of the cheese from the moon....yet again.

............And so the Great Golden Glitterman while cycling slowly along Beachroad did happen to see ten very angry Thai men come running towards him. "They look very angry." Thought the Golden One, "What did I write on the forums last night?" As the Thai men neared they started shouting,

"Me cut off felangs beads with me mango knife!"........"me cut off big felang head with me coconut chopper!"

The Golden One quickly got off his bicycle and thought, "I will offer them some of my cheese from the moon, that will calm them down." So the Golden One outstreatched his hand and said to the ten angry approaching Thai men, "This is the body of out savior, me. Peace be with you." But then the Golden One quickly had second thoughts, Dropped the cheese to the floor and ran away with his hands high in the air. But his clumsy boots and big clothing were no match for the Thai men, and soon they caught up with the Golden One. Then the Thai man with the big chopper raised his big chopper into the air and shouted,

"Hooorrraaaay! Gwoooood, gwooooood the Golden man has come help us catch bad felang."

The Golden One looked ahead and saw a ferang running away and said, "Eeeeerrrrr.....yes....I thought I would help catch him for you, what did he do?"

And the Thai man replied, "Felang not pay big money for damage for jetski, 40,000 Baht he must pay. But after he pay us, we splay the small patch with black splay paint for flee....Ha ha ha!"

The Golden One stopped running, slowly turned around and walked back towards his bicycle hearing screams of mercy behind him. But on the way back the Golden One trod on some rotten poor quality cheese that he had dropped earlier, and slipped up on it, far above the clouds and came down upon it with a 'squelch!' and he angrily said, "What idiot left that there......mmmmmm......it tastes like cheese from the moon, I will keep that."

..........Then walking on the Golden One passed a scruffy looking old Thai woman sitting on the roadside curb holding out her hand, and in her outstreched hand was a plastic bowl with a bit of money in it. The Golden One looked at the scruffy lady and said,

"Oh no thankyou scruffy lady, for I have plenty, I am quite rich dont you know." Then he walked on, stopped, put his hand on his trouser pocket then walked back to the scruffy lady and said,

"Actually I do seem to be a little short and all that running has made me hungry, I will just take enough for an ice cream. Then you should offer the rest to those more needy than I."

Then the Golden One reached into the bowl and took out only 15 Baht and not a single Baht more. Then the Golden One popped into Royal Garden Plazas Mac Donalds and purchased an ice cream.

Walking outside Royal Garden Plaza and eating his ice cream the Golden One looked up at the spirraling L.E.D. toys that were being catapulted high into the air by street vendors. But he did not see the toy remote control acrobatic car on the ground and so he stepped on it and slipped up on it, high into the air, far above the clouds, and came down on his ice cream with a 'SPLAT!' Cream squirting onto smilling beautiful girls faces nearby.

Then one strangely large Thai lady came over to the still seated sulking Golden One and said,

"Me lead what you lite on da folums abowd us ladyboys and gay men, you speak no gwood, me no like you."

Then he/she kicked the Golden Ones ass hard, making the Golden One fly fast through the air towards the big advertising television screen above Walking Street gate, loosing his trousers as he flew.

"Oh no, not again!" Said the Golden One as he saw the screen getting bigger. ........"BAAAAAM!"

After the smoke cleared only the lower half of the Golden One was visible. Naked ass and dangling legs sticking out of the middle of the television screen, and the screen still partially working showed an advert for 'Boyz Town' then Tiffanies' then Alcazar'. Then a large crowd quickly gathered below with their clicking cameras. And the Golden One said,

"I am just having a really bad day....OOOEEERRR!......I think too much cheese from the moon has given me a bad case of the runs, take that! and be thankfull."

........And so Golden rain did fall for 40 days and 40 nights and a terrible flood did engulf Pattaya. One week later everyone rejoiced for Pattaya city looked and tasted of golden cheese from the moon..........AMEN.

Moral of this parable is; 'Try some of my cheese from the moonshine.'

If you did not understand this parable, wait a week, there will be another one for you to not understand.

The Royal Glitterman hath Spoken

..

Thankyou for choosing this Glitterman product....., NO Guaranty, NO Receipt, NO Refund, NO Sense.

The Almighty and Powerful Wizard is back AGAIN, with some more of the same same INSANE, what a great poet i am in all this wind and RAIN. So here it is, yet another for you to speed read or abandon after this line;

PARABLE 3496; The parable of the cheese from the moon....yet again.

...........And so cycling slowly along beach road one afternoon. The Great Golden Glitterman did happen to see a beautiful ferang lady smile and wave to the Golden One and say,

"O Great Glitterman, i love you, save me, my pussy needs you now."

The Golden One Quickly slammed on his brakes, got off his bicycle and smiled at the lady saying,

"Fear not, for as you know i am the Great Golden Glitterman, and as you know i dont like to brag but i am the superhero of Pattaya, righter of wrongs, the most photographed Western ferang in the history of Thailand, The most recognised Western public figure in Pattaya......Brag Brag Brag...[20 mins later]....Brag brag brag......and i have been in seven Pattaya Parades in the last fifty days, most of which i lead at the very front.....[40 mins later]........and i am more popular then Jesus Christ here and i cant wait to save you." Then the lady looked relieved when he finished and said,

"Thankyou, only YOU are good enough."

The Golden One looked towards the sky and thought to himself "Thankyou Lord." But as he looked up his eyes caught something moving in the trees, and it let out a "Meeeeeeaaaaaaoooooouuuuu!"

Then the lady said, "He has been stuck up there for over two hours now."

...................And so in an angry huff the Great Golden One cycled on and thought to himself,

"Huh!...saving pussy cats in trees, Whatever next? I am a super hero, a God. What this city needs is a new natural disaster for me to save them from, that will certainly pin me to the board for them to look up to."

So the Golden One summoned up a terrible, terrible storm. The wind removing roofs and collapsing trees. Then the Golden One stood in the middle of Beach Road saying,

"Be still wind, for i am the Great Golden Glitterman, and i command you to vanish into the thin air, BEGONE BEGONE BEGOOOOONE".

And the storm quickly diminished and dissapeared, and all the people cheered the Golden One saying, "Our Savior, our savior." Then the Golden One placed a piece of cheese from the moon on their tongues saying,

"This is the body of our savior, me. Piece be with you." and they all indivigually replied,

"And also with you, Amen." Then all the people rejoiced.

.............And so the Great Golden Glitterman cycled on to the end of Beach Road saying to himself, "Thats more like it, nothing quite hits the spot like a nice bit of hero worship towards me, maybe i will also do a pseudo leave then big comeback, that always works well." Then the Golden One looked at the giant advertising television screen on top of the Walking Street entrance, and said to himself, "I should be up on that screen, day and night."

Suddenly on his right a tree that had been weakened earlier by the recent storm gave way and collapsed almost hitting the Golden One as he cycled past. "Phew! That was close, almost hit me". But a stick from the falling tree went into the spokes of his bicycle, and so the Golden One flew over the handle bars and flew through the air, somersaulting with arms outstretched as he flew, and came crashing into that big television screen on top of the Walking Street gate. The screen blacked out with a loud "BANG!!!" Sparks and smoke erupted out, and the Golden Ones skeleton was visable for a few seconds while he was getting electrocuted. Then the smoke cleared, and stuck in the middle of the big television screen was the Great Golden One in a cruisifix pose. The Golden One was pinned to the broken television screen in the cruisifix position. He could not move, and he knew he was dieing.

Gazing down he could see a gathered crowd, crying praying and sobbing. But then the Golden One noticed the forums 'Grumpy Mens Club' walk in amongst the tearful crowd and whisper into the ears of all the mourners. Within a minuit the entire crowd of mourners were rejoicing and dancing. Many were even blowing raspberries, swearing and throwing rotten poor quality cheese at the dieing Golden One.

Dieing from his wounds and now even a broken heart, the Great Golden One looked towards the sky and said,

"Forgive them Lord, for they know not what they do. I stand at your gates alone, this is the end." Then the big voice above said,

"NO my Golden One, this is not the end it is only the beginning Saint Glitterman."

Then the Golden One turned toward me, where i stood on the street corner composing and writing this story, and the Golden One said to me,

"James Bond, [My name in Pattaya for eight years] Please let me die." and i said,

"YES Glitterman, i will let you die".

Then the Golden One looked back at the happy dancing singing crowd and gave that beautiful Golden Glitterman smile......and died.

AMEN.

The Royal Glitterman hath Spoken.....Died......Never to Return.

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Thankyou for choosing this 'Glitterman' product. Every effort has been taken to satisfy, however huge defects can occur and are present in the author.

The Almighty and Powerful Wizard is back with the second helping in this parable horror double bill. I shall call this one...eeerrr......

PARABLE 2, The parable of the 'Cheese from the moon' again.

..........And so slowly cycling along Beach Road nibbling a piece of cheese from the moon a man rushed out to stop the Great Golden One saying;

"Please help me O Great Golden Glitterman for my good wife is drowning in the sea, you are my only hope".

The Golden One looked at the man and said;

"Fear not, for as you know i am the Great Golden Glitterman, Pattaya's legend and superhero, brag brag brag and i will save your good wife".

So the Great Golden One got off his bicycle, and for the very first time he RAN towards the sea. The crowd that had by now gathered started cheering and shouting; "Yeeeeaaaahhhhh, all riiiiiiiiiight".

The Golden One enjoying the huge attention gave an enourmous Golden smile and waved back to everyone as he ran, still nibbling the cheese from the moon. There was even a Press camera there clicking away. All that was needed was a heroic film music soundtrack.

But as the Golden One almost reached the sea water he did not notice a large dead jellyfish lying on the sand, and so he accidently stepped on it and slipped up on it, high up into the air, far above the clouds, and then came down upon it with a squelch. His ass firmly seated on this jellyfish cushion. Everybody suddenly stopped cheering, and for a few seconds there was absolute silence. Then the Great Golden Glitterman still seated started to feel the effect of the jellyfishes stinging tentacles and so let out a loud strange unmanly Michael Jackson type scream; "Yeeeeeeoooooooouuuuuuuuu"!!!!!!! Which was followed by a further three seconds of absolute silence from everyone. This was then followed by the entire crowd howling with uncontrollable laughter at the Great Golden One. Then the drowning woman stood up, waist high, it had all been a 'set up' by all the bad people of Pattaya. Then the Press cameraman clicking away at the still seated sulking Great Golden Glitterman said; "Say cheese please".

And with that the Great Golden Glitterman sprang to his feet, dusted himself off, and said; "Yes, certainly, please try some cheese from the moon". And with that famous golden smile he offered everybody moon cheese.

........And so they all sat down with the Great Golden Glitterman to a wonderful cheese from the moon tea party, and rejoiced for 40 days and 40 nights...............AMEN.

The moral of this parable is; Sometimes all is not what it appears to be. The sweetest tongue has the sharpest tooth. But nothing beats a mouthful of cheese from the moon........AMEN AGAIN.

Coming in a week, yet more stuff rather similar to this one...again.

The Royal Glitterman hath Spoken.

.

Thankyou for choosing this 'Glitterman' product.

The Almighty and Powerful Wizard is back with this parable to help you through the DAY, for i am the Glitter of Golden light and i will show you the WAY, Let us PRAY, what a darn good poet i am i have to SAY.

PARABLE 1; The parable of 'The Cheese from the moon'.

............And so cycling happily along Beach Road one afternoon, the Great Golden Glitterman did see a Thai lady come running towards him with her arms outstretched, ' Ooooohhh yet another fan wants my autograph', thought the Golden one.

"Please help O Great Glitterman", Cried the lady, "For i am a good lady and five very bad men are beating up my good ferang husband, you are my only hope".

The Golden one looked at the lady and smiled that warm beautiful Goldenman smile and said calmly;

"Fear not, for as you know i am the Great Golden Glitterman, righter of wrongs and ass kicker of evil, wait here and i will save your good husband".

.......And so the Golden one walked towards the five men that were still beating up the good man. One of the attackers noticed the Golden one approaching and said;

"<deleted> me, its Golden Balls Glitterman, that guy has weird supernatural powers mate, i am f#####g out a ere mate".

and with that he ran away screaming with his hands high in the air. Then the Golden one stopped in front of the remaining four thugs, looked at the poor helpless victim on the floor and said to him, "Go home, you are safe now".

Then the Golden one looked at the four thugs and said;

"Sooooo the forums 'Grumpy Mens Club', we finally meet. I thought you guys only lived on computer screens, where you hide like cowards behind your anomonous avatars abusing anything that is righteous in your drunken jealous rage".

And the four thugs raised their clenched fists and replied altogether in unison;

"Yeah mate, we be the f#####g forums Grumpy Mens Club, did ya just spill me pint?"

Then one of the thugs rushed forward to take a swipe at the Great Golden face, but the Golden one ducked and so the swipe hit and knocked out another thug behind the Golden one. Then the Great Golden one quickly shoved a piece of cheese from the moon into the mouth of the attacker and said; "You are not without sin, so can not cast the first or any stone".

And with that all the thugs ran away screaming with their hands held high in the air .......Then they all suddenly stopped, slowly turned around and came back, saying to the Great Golden one ;

"That is rather splendid cheese, great texture, tangy taste, best cheese that i have ever tasted dont you know, really quite marvelous, i should say what ho, and now i can also speak upper class jargon talk as well, rather spiffing. Thankyou O Great Golden Glitterman for you have shown me the error of my ways, i am now a changed man, what ho".

And so they all sat down with the Great Golden Glitterman and had a wonderful cheese from the moon tea party and rejoiced.

...........And as for the good ferang husband, unfortunately he died within a few hours of being beaten up, Thoroughly delighting his Thai wife, who inherited absolutely everything that he owned. Just before he died they both popped into the Soi 9 Police Station and made a full report. Police then arrived at the cheese from the moon tea party, resulting in the 'Grumpy Mens Club' spending a very long time in Bangkoks Bang Kwang prison for manslaughter. Putting a huge cheesy smile on the face of the Golden Glitterman, because his plan to detain the thugs with the cheese from the moon tea party long enough for the Police to arrive was successful. So everyone was happy......oohh except the dead ferang husband, who it turns out was a major drug selling baron in Pattaya. The 'Grumpy Mens Club' had tracked him down and had been rightfully giving him a good going over before the Golden one had appeared on the scene. So it appears the forums 'Grumpy Mens Club' are not such BAD guys after all......Well done lads....Wherever you are......AMEN.

Moral of the parable is; 'There is nothing quite like a nice bit of cheese from the moon'.

Coming sooner or later yet another Glitterman parable to learn niceness by.

The Royal Glitterman hath Spoken.

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The Almighty and Powerful Wizard is back with this article [D], from ME, bored yet are YE, well you will BE. [what a great poet i am and all]

Just like Soi Buakao another interesting road is South Pattaya Road. Interesting at least from the sea to the junction of Third road.

On this road you can drive by very closely to a crowded food market and see many Thais squashed together tightly, which, just like picking their noses in public seems to be a national past time for them.

Having no sinful beer bars, 3rd road is an excellent road for shopping on. I am a frequent visitor to 'Friendship Supermarket' for my gold ribbons and effects, to an inner market fabric store for my Goldenman coats and cape material, a lighting shop for my thousands of cable ties, a motorcycle/bicycle shop for emergency repairs , a bead shop for my gold beads, and at the junction with 3rd road a traditional Thai costume shop where i bought my very first yellow osterich feather which ended up on my hat. You computer nerds may favour the I.T.com computer center, but i prefer that stores basement where there is a general hardwear/tool shop.

A few years ago 3rd road was completely re-tarmacked....wonderful......well for a short time at least. As within a few months of finishing the entire road was dug up again, probally to lay cables. Then re-surfaced yet again. Unfortunately this last surface badly rippled with 6 inch pits and hills over the entire road, making it one of the worse conditioned roads in Pattaya. I am continually bouncing away, up and down on my two beautiful bicycles day and night, it quite takes my breath away.

Sometimes Pattaya's overbearing sinful sleeeaze gets too much for me, and so i do like to pop into Wat Chi temple [ however it is spelt]. Inside there is a wonderful huge fish pond full of hungry fish and turtles, where i love to feed them with my banana.

.........And so, cycling slowly along Beach Road, the Great Golden Glitterman did see many people running towards him from the beach.

'Whats going on here, i wonder?, they must like that article i wrote in the forums last night, typical reaction'. I thought.

"Save us, save us oh Great Golden Glitterman, there is a Tsunami coming." cried and shouted the panicked people. "You are our only hope".

So the Golden Glitterman stopped his golden beautiful bicycle and got off and smiled at the people with that beautiful Goldenman smile and said calmly;

"Fear not, for i am the Great Golden Glitterman, and i will save you all, for you are without sin".

And so the Golden Glitterman walked slowly onto the sand and down to the sea, then stopped and raised both of his white gloved hands and shouted;

"BE STILL, BACK, BACK, BACK spawn of satin, for thou will not cometh here, return from whence you came oh evil one, the great Golden Glitterman commands thee."

And with that the 100 foot high wall of water stopped still and returned to the sea, and all the people were saved......all except everyone on Walking Street, where all the rentable girls, dirty old men, alcoholics, television watchers, football fans, ladyboys, gay men, forums Grumpy Mens Club [Yes you again], road spitters, drug users and wild dogs were washed out to sea and never seen again.

"HOORAAY, HOORAAY" shouted all the good people to the Great Golden Glitterman, and Pattaya City rejoiced for 40 days and 40 nights. After which another huge golden statue of the Golden Glitterman was was erected outside the Royal Garden Plaza next to the recent other one. Where beautiful women would lay flowers at their golden feet and kiss these huge golden erections.

..........And so from that day on the good people of Pattaya always knew that whenever a great disaster was just about to occur, then the Great Golden Glitterman would always suspiciously be there too.

No mention of cheese from the moon in this one...until now.

Coming soon yet more stuff rather simular to this one.

The Royal Glitterman hath Spoken......no need to say 'AND GONE BYE BYEs', as i am bored with that bit already.

I can not get BIG photos on here anymore, new hotmail system.

The Almighty and Powerful Wizard is back again..........Whaaaaaaat?.......Whats all the fuss about?.......Whadaya mean i said goodbye already and what a lot of lovely 'views' my last article has. Little did you realise that my last article 'Glitterman Says goodbye forever' is a 35 part serial, so yes i will be saying 'goodbye' FOREVER. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha [wait a moment while i take a breath] ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.......................ha ha ha ha ha etc.

No doubt these are just some of the many thoughts that have been running through your guilt laden minds recently;

'Ooooooohhhhhh what have i done, i really miss the Great glitterman, he was soooo special, a one of a kind'.

'Yes i miss him too, he was sooo unique'

'I feel like i am Judas, although Glitterman was far more popular than Jesus Christ.....here'

'I have now learnt my lesson, i will NEVER be abusive to the Great Glitterman ever again'

'What can we do to bring him back?'

We could offer him a basket full of cheese from the moon, that might work'.

........And so the Great Golden Glitterman accepted the basket full of golden coloured moon cheese, and was more than happy to stand on the soap box once again or rather priests podium, and give a nice long sermon about how he won this battle and all about good and evil;

"I hereby accept this basket full of moon cheese, even though you have forgotten to remove the 'Tops' price sticker on it. Your ass kissing gesture to get me back on the forums again has indeed swayed me. BUT next time it will take much more than a basket full of substitute moon cheese, so behave yourselves or else.......moon cheese, moon cheese, moon cheese, moon cheese, blah blah blah."

Actually just between you and me, so keep it under your hat, the 'Goodbye forever' was just an attention grabbing, marketing scheme [or whatever you call it], and it worked, making 'Glitterman' and the eternal 'Glitterman speaks about series' a household name, far beyond my wildest dreams. [more ha ha ha ha]

ALL my ideas for my articles thoughtfully emerge while i am sitting on my porcelain throne every morning, so here is one i made earlier, just for you.

I do not know how i would best describe my articles, but a few words spring to mind.

'Boring, tedious, unviewable rubbish, mind numbing trash, only go right to the end if you really have to, nothing worth looking at, true garbage........that is Third Road for you. It is like a mini Sukhumvit Road, VERY busy day and night. More vehicles pass through on this road than on any other road here in Pattaya city, and they go fairly fast too.

How good are you at running?, because if you want to cross over third Road you do not walk you RUN across it, and you risk your life doing so. Pedestrian islands in the middle along that road would be a very good idea. So that people crossing could safely wait in the middle of the road for a further 10 minuites, while negotiating when to run across the other half.

As i said earlier, there is absolutely nothing to see on Third road, just use it to get to where ever else you want to get to in Pattaya.

Have you ever had any near accidents on this road.

Does anyone remember the ill fated 'Tonys' buisness venture 'MUMMIES' disco?, which folded within a few months after opening, even after advertising free buffet for everyone. It is now replaced by 'Tonys Gym'.

I can not wait to land upon the moon, and get a taste of REAL CHEESE.

Coming soon, a really good one; 'Glitterman Speaks About South Pattaya Road and says goodbye forever [PART 3].

The Royal Glitterman hath spoken...and GONE BYE BYES.

.

The Almighty and Powerful Wizard is Back with this follow up to part '[A] Soi Buakao', So its time for you to shout "Yippee the Great Glitterman has just posted a new one.......but ooohhhh, its his last one"

Walking Street [in my opinion] is SHAMEFUL. It is a shame that the main tourist attraction in Pattaya is a 'Red light street'. 'Sex sells' and Walking Street sells Pattaya. Over the many years rentable girls have turned a small fishing village into Pattaya city, and they continue to build it. Rentable girls BUILT Pattaya city, so they DO deserve a round of applause for that, but now its time to stop and change.

It is nothing to look at by day, but at night it is CROWDED. Huge groups of Chinese are flag led down it, sex tourists prowl it and many others come to look at this shame sleeze pit of Go-Go bars and other such sleeeeeeeaze.

.........And so the Golden Glitterman, the last hope for mankind cycled up the mountain side, far above the crowds and clouds. Where, losing his religion our hero sat with head in hands and heart on his sleeve. Suddenly a very bright light did appear in the sky above him, and a loud deep echoey voice said;

"Do not despair my Golden one, for YOU are the chosen one, your golden light will purify this sleazy city, you are more popular then Jesus Christ...here, and have bought happiness to countless thousands over the years, go now and continue your good work."

And so the Great Golden Glitterman rejoiced and cycled over to the very edge of the mountain side over looking Walking Street, and looking down at the crowds he shouted out;

"I am the chosen one, REPENT, REPENT, for i am the Glitter of Golden light, follow me and i will shine for you and show you the way, I will give you UTOPIA in Pattaya.......ooohhh yes....and i am more popular than Jesus Christ here.....well anyway thats what he said.......I AM THE NEW RELIGION."!!!!!

But no one even looked up, as they were all too busy being sinful. VERY angered by this the Golden Glitterman lifted up his golden bicycle far above his head, and hurled it down onto the sinful crowds. Whereupon the earth did shake and split wide open, and down into this huge crack in Walking Street fell all the rentable ladies, dirty old men, alcoholics, television watchers, football fans, ladyboys, gay men, forums Grumpy Mens Club [yes you], road spitters, drug users and wild dogs.

......A few months later birds for the first time started singing in the trees, and also for the first time good families with their children started to arrive. And a huge golden statue of the Golden Glitterman was erected outside the Royal Garden Plaza, where beautiful women would lay flowers at the feet and kiss this huge erection.

No body knows for sure what happened to the Golden Glitterman, for he was never seen again. Some say, they say, that his eight bicycle sirens can still be heard way up there on the mountain, while others say that he vacated to the moon where there is plenty of cheese.

But one thing remains for sure, he was and still is a legend, unique and original and will live forever in Pattaya's hearts and history.....AMEN.

........And with that the priest then closed his prayer book and a Golden twinkle glittered in the priests eye, was it the reflection from nearby candlesticks?.....or a hidden cape. Then the priest flashed a smile, that famous, wonderful, beautiful Golden Glitterman smile. All over the world congregations left with tears in their eyes.

The Royal Glitterman hath Spoken.........and GONE BYE BYE.

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The Almighty and Powerful Wizard is back with this cra....great article.

So what is the very strange happenings on Soi Buakao? Well its me off course.. made you look at my post...ha ha, now read on.

Soi Buakau is without a doubt [in my opinion] the most interesting street in Pattaya. Unlike Walking street Soi Buakao shows a great cross of every day natural Pattaya life. The liveliest section of this street is from Soi Dianna to Pattaya Klang.

Having no pavement/sidewalk Soi Buakao is a deathtrap for walking on. The narrow busy road has resulted in many injuries to luckless pedestrians. Somebody i once spoke to was his on the back of his leg by the footrest of a passing moped, ending up in Hospital having large sums of money creamed off him. So my advice to you is that if you are walking, always face the oncoming traffic so you can duck and dodge it.

Recently more classy shops have appeared, like the large shoe shop in the middle of Soi Buakao.

I visualize that in about 10 years all the small interesting shops we have now on that street will have disappeared, only to be replaced by international chain shops, even a Mac Donalds.

Ferrang and ferrang influence has taken over this city. Beach Road for instance sometimes has more Ferrang that Thai people on it. This in time will spread and Thais will be pushed out of this city into neighboring cities. The Ferrangs arrived, conquered and have planted their Ferrang flag firmly in the soul of this city.

But for now Soi Buakao can be viewed in its transformation stage, plenty of everyday Thais and just a peppering of Ferrangs. There are also two of the best markets in Pattaya on Soi Buakao, But just like any other Thai market, the first three stalls are continually repeated throughout the rest of the market, resulting in mind numbing same same trash.

Have you had any near accident on Soi Buakao ?

What is your favourite Soi?

I am planning a trip to the moon very soon, I shall be packing plenty of cheese for me to eat while i am up there, as i believe there are no fish in the sky. Do i need a VISA to enter the moon.....yet?

Coming very shortly; 'Glitterman Speaks About Walking street and says GOODBYE forever.'

The Royal Glitterman hath Spoken.

.

The Almighty and Powerful Wizard is BACK with the RACK. [such great poetry]

I HAVE NEVER EVER TAKEN ANY FORM OF ILLEGAL DRUGS IN MY LIFE,....... I am very proud to say.

I have NEVER EVER been tempted or interested in trying illegal drugs in any way what so ever. I do NOT even take simple Paracetamol for when i rarely have a headache.

I like to keep my body PURE. I have also not touched a single drop of alcohol for over 20 years, and i was NEVER an alcoholic either.

I think that the only bad stuff that gets into my body are food preservatives.

I have also [to my knowledge] not spoken to anyone who may of been under the influence of illegal drugs.....I am very proud to say.

So really this is a topic that i know absolutely nothing about.....I am very proud to say.

I only ever write about circumstances that i have experienced first hand, sooooo...................

Many years ago, walking along Beach road promenade towards walking street, as i neared the end of the promenade i heard a voice beside me say "Something for you?" I turned to see a scruffy riff raff rascal [excuse my bad language] Thai man standing off the path questioning me. I was instantly puzzled as to what on earth he meant, but i did not stop. He said it yet again; "Something for you, Maruana". Then i realised that he was a drug dealer. So without stopping i shook my head politely to say 'NO' and got quickly out of there. Rather unpleasureable indeed i should say, what ho. [upper class jargon talk]

This was when i first came to Pattaya 8 years ago. Since then EVERYTIME i have ever walked that part of beach road promenade, and the Bali Hai end of Walking Street i have had to endure this same HASSLE.

I am very surprised that a plain clothed ferrang policeman has not caught them out . It would be so easy [ i think] for a ferrang Tourist police to pretend to be interested in purchasing this HORRIBLE STUFF and then nab these slimy drug dealing scoundrals

Do you enjoy illegal drugs? Why?

By Royal Order, i order you to STOP or face public execution, and then you will be sorry [ha ha that will stop you] You will just have to find something else to make you high instead.

By Royal Decree i hereby pronounce all drug dealers and users be caught, then stretched upon the rack to a height far exceeding my heroic 6 foot 1 inch height until they confess their contacts, then be hung drawn and quartered and their head boiled and stuck upon the entrance to Walking Street to be made an example of.

The Royal Glitterman hath spoken.

The Almighty and Powerful Wizard is back AGAIN all about vendors on the sands LANE [What a great poem, never same same SANE]

They run [well almost] from the sands of Pattaya Beach on to the parallel promenade almost colliding with surprised pedestrians, they go straight on to the Beach Road amidst swerving mopeds and peeping car horns, then to the other side where they disappear like rats into the shadows.

What is the reason for this panic? is there a Tsunami coming?

Well the reason is seen a few seconds later, a market police car [usually a silver or red Toyota pickup] is cruising at walking pace along the curb making its presence known. The people running are pedalers or street vendors, BUT they are running with MASSIVE smiles on their faces, it is a game to them. The Police in the car are also smiling, enjoying the stirrup, not caring about the potential accidents they are causing. The funniest thing is that within that very same minuit, the pedalers are back on the sands again, selling their trash.......SHAMEFUL DISPLAY.!!!!!!

In my opinion [of a harmless clown] a much better Police tactic would be to have a plain clothes policeman sitting in one of those deck chairs on the beach, with hidden backup he could discreetly arrest and charge 100 in one hour. The next day ALL the pedalers would be cautious as to where or who the Policeman could be, and so the numbers would drop dramaticly......but hey what do i know.

It looks like 75% of all people walking on the beach are pedalers. They appear to be selling anything and everything, from bed quilt covers to the kitchen sink [well okay, not the kitchen sink]. Certain items become very fashionable for the sellers. Right now large holographic effect photos are very popular [they are actually very good] Sellers outside shopping malls are catapulting festoons of spiraling L.E.D. light objects high up into the air. It will not be too long before someone cops one in the eye. Or slips on a remote controlled acrobatic toy car as if it were a banana skin.

Some Pattaya sand pedalers do not take 'NO' for an answer. The worst ones are the short fat women with crinkly old faces from Chang Mai [often wearing colourful witches hats. They sell black stringed necklaces etc . They stand in front of you, aware that you have already given them a clear 'NO', then they slowly hold out a hand with 40 0f these fall apart necklaces. You are then pushed to the end of your patience as you shake your head and say 'NO' again, DO they go away?.....They do NOT, instead they hold out their other hand which has another 40 necklaces on it.

They are doing it deliberately to annoy you, i know, i have asked them. Take a tip from me;...THE PEDALER ENJOYS WINDING UP MEN WHO GET IRRITATED AND GRUMPY, THE MORE GRUMPIER THE RESPONSE, THE BETTER.

Do you get irritated by pedalers?

or do you enjoy pedal free Jomtien?

Have you ever bought one of those annoying dark wooden frogs, that make a simulated croaking sound, when a stick is run along its serrated spine?

Are there any shops on the moon that sell cheese, in case i run out?..there now i have gone and spoilt my article.

The Royal Glitterman hath Spoken.

The Almighty and Powerful Wizard is back ,what again?, with a wonderful contest that you probaly will not bother with anyway....But its worth a try.

Today is the forth Pattaya parade that i have participated in within the last 24 days. [beat that if you can] Three of these i headed [lead], either fully or partially to the end, and the other was viewed by Thailand Royalty.

If anyone has any photos of me, me, me whether in the parade or not, old or new, then send them to my e-mail address. [This info is in my member profile]

The Royal Glitterman hath Spoken.

The Almighty and Powerful Wizard is back AGAIN, about your nasty habit i hope to TAME.

ALL men from ALL races appear to be guilty of this vile, disgusting act

here in Pattaya.....ALL except ME that is. I have to witness this

action every minuit while walking or cycling in Pattaya. IT is

ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING.....DO NOT DO IT.

in the past i have often asked girls 'why do men spit?' I am told that they copy the Chinese. In

Bangkok at Central World there are notices everywhere, stating that

people will be fined [ i forget how much] for spitting.I do not

remember any men back home in England spitting, yet ferrangs here are

participating in this revolting sport all the same. How would it look

if the Goldenman was seen spitting as he cycled. I imagine here in

Pattaya the amount of men spitting at any one time are well into the 5

or even 6 figure range, perhaps even more.

I wonder if it is a subconcious way of marking ones territory, just like a dog or cat will

urinate to mark its territory.

Purchasing my coffee and pint of milk from 7/11, i walked to my favourite stone bench on the beach road

promenade at Soi 4, looking away and turning my head as men around me

looked to the floor and let lose another blob. Avoiding the many

spittal spots on the path i sat down to sip my coffee. had done this

for a few years now. Taking just a few sips, a Thai man with a plastic

map of Koh Larn in one hand [selling speed boat tickets] came fairly

near me and placed one finger on to one side of his nose to block that

nostril, then with a disgusting sound 'puffed' out all the snot from

the other nostril onto the floor. Rather unpleaserable indeed i should

say what ho [upper class jargon talk] That guy did not mean to offend

me, he thought it was okay behavior . But for me that was the last

straw, now everyday i sit and drink my coffee and pint of milk on top

of the new metal lifeguard towers at soi 4 instead. Wonderful, best

seat on the beach , i get the refreashing wind because i am high up,

and i am not bothered by the anoying pedalers or made to view spitting.

By Royal Decree i hereby pronounce that any men caught spitting in public

shall be hung drawn and quatered, and their heads boiled, then stuck

upon those new lifeguard towers along the beach, for all to see and the

pigeons to eat and decorate.

The Royal Glitterman hath spoken.