chuckacinco

I am pretty embarrassed about posting my personal problems on thaivisa. I liked the advice and I am grateful for all the members that responded positively.

Here is what happened.

I made up my mind that I had enough. I was ready to go. I got the name of a lawyer and made an appointment to see him about a week after my post here at Thaivisa. During that time, I don't know what happened but my wife changed.

I continued to come home late so that I wouldn't have to endure the shitty atmosphere but then I came home and the house was clean. I didn't ask her to do it. It just happened. The house was cleaned after months of filth, then she became fairly sweet to me when I came home from work, and we started, at least beginning, to have some sort of a relationship again. I can't explain it.

I think my wife can read me and uses that information. I think she knew I was done. I think foreigners, or at least me, are like open books that Thai women can read. Also, the idea of high stakes, willing to leave, I mean really leave counts. Unfortunately, it seems I have to have this edge, "Do this or I'm out of here." I hate that. Why does this brinksmanship need to be in a marriage but there I am.

As a result, I am more familiar with Thai divorce law and I am pretty much worry free about losing anything. I just needed some expert advice about divorce law. We don't own anything substantial so I am in a better spot than most of those who post here. Things are better and I learned a lesson. One of those might be about posting something so deeply personal on a public forum. Well, that done.

My advice? I am the worst person to ask for advice.

Thanks for all of the Thaivisa members who helped.

Chuckacinco

Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate what you have to say. In the anonymous world that is the internet, responding with kindness speaks volumes about character.

I have been in this for awhile. I have time to sort things out. For now, not coming home until late and leaving early in the morning works for me. In the meantime, I have a home bank account, the safe deposit box is brilliant. I would never have thought of that. I also have time to squirrel things away and get my affairs in order. I know it's going to work out.

Thanks, again.

Chuckacinco

Thank all of you for taking the time to respond. If the question was easy, believe me I wouldn't be asking. I just got home. It's nearly 11 at night. It's the same. I'd like to respond to some of your replies but I need some time.

Sincerely, thank you all for your responses and suggestions.

Chuckacinco

Steven,

Thank you. I set up a home account about a year ago to prepare for this dreading the possibility. I think I am patient. It's terrible. I have really done everything to avoid this. In know what I am losing. Thank you for your considerate reply. You are a good man.

Chuckacinco

Thank you for your patience

SImply stated,

I am trying to figure out how to protect my savings from being halved by a woman who doesn't deserve it. If I go the conventional divorce route, that seems to be the way it would be. I don't have any problem providing for my daughter.

So, can I get a bank account she doesn't know about to protect my savings?

Can I give it to a relative to hang onto until this blows over?

Should I stay married to protect my savings - she isn't being abandoned, I'm not cheating, and I am providing for her financlally (the reasons a woman can sue for divorce), I just can't stay at home.

I am just asking, what advice would you give?

Thanks,

Chuckacinco

Thank you all for the considerate replies. I don't know about the "man up" part and what that means. I promise you I honestly am aware of the range of responses possible and given the anonymous nature of Thaivisa, I accept whatever you guys say. You can tell by my avatar I have been involved with Thaivisa for awhile. My posts are honest but I don't read this site regularly. I have lived here since 1989. So, just so we are clear it's not like I just made up some troll post to enjoy the responses. This is a real problem and I am asking for a response from you guys. Nothing else.

Here's the situation, and sincerely appreciate your feedback. My wife stays at home. She doesn't clean or take care of the house. She is supposed to do this just the same as me going to work everyday. I am not exploiting her. Everything involving the care and feeding of myself and to some extent my daughter is a giant pain in the ass for her. I work during the day and come home. It's terrible. I like home. I don't like going out. I would love to have some kind of come home, chill out, play with my kid, chat with the wife kind of life. I give her an allowance, pay for mother's insurance, pay any number of trips with friends. Last year I paid for a trip to Japan. Nothing is good enough. Four years ago I took to visit my family in The States. Disnleyland, Seaworld, San Diego Zoo all that stuff. Not good enough. My family can't stand her. Nothing was good enough and you wouldn't believe her mouth.

I would be happy to get a maid. I am not stupid. She won't let me. I tried cleaning the house myself, I don't do it right. Jesus Christ. We have a laundry and washing service, we have a maid come in once a week to hose out the larger chunks of filth. She pissed off all the time and plays candycrush to four o'clock in the morning every night and struggles to wake up, take my daughter to school (usually late and I get into the principal's office for that) then she sleeps, wakes up to pick my daughter up from school. I come home around five or six. The stench of dirty dishes, laundry, and garbage. We rent a beautiful three bedroom house that is wonderful. New paint, great floors, I used to live in shitty Thai studios. This is the best place I have lived. We have lived here for almost eight years.

I have gone to a counselor that specializes in Thai-Foriegner relations. She won't go. I went and the answers were commonsense. "Make your needs clear, be understanding, look at the big picture, create intimacy" all that stuff.

Here is where I am now. I told her that she only has to cook three meals for me. Three lousy dinners on Monday, Wednesday, and Sunday night. The food is cold. It's left out. Her cooking has made me sick five times. She doesn't understand the refridgerator. She doesn't understand cleaning the dishes. I can't tell you how stupid it is trying to explain with her chopping a piece of raw chicken then cutting a pineapple for us with the same knife. I could go on and on.

You know that show about people who hoard stuff so that their houses are filled with shit? That's my house. Wrappers, unread magazines, flyers, old bill envelopes - you wouldn't believe it.

So, I have put up with this for awhile. It wasn't this bad when we first got married. Now, it's like being with a crazy person. She's educated and she speaks English. She has a degree in business and English from Ramkamhaeng. She was born in Bangkok. She isn't a country girl but her mother is. She is an only child. Her mother is lovely by the way. You couldn't guess that this is where my wife came from.

I am just sick of it. I want to know if I take the money out of the account she knows about and put it into one she doesn't, can the Thai legal system allow her to get at the money?

OR

Would it be better, given the acceptable reasons for divorce, just stay married. I am already eating out only coming home late at night. I wake up and go to work. Then I get home late and go to bed. It's horrible. I just want to go home. If I do decide to come home early, it sit in stench and filth while she bitches that I am a lousy provider, husband. worker, father - did I leave anything out?

I see as I am typing this, people are responding. I want to read the replies.

Thank you guys,

Chuckacinco

This is painful to write. I have been married almost ten years. It is getting so I can't come home anymore. It is so awful. I can't bear it.

I am not having an affair, I just have a woman who doesn't think staying at home is a good life. I promise you, she doesn't have to work hard at all. The hardest part is my eight-year old daughter who is the love of my life. I know I will probably never see her again. I just can't take the abuse anymore.

We don't own a house or a car. I have a savings account in my name. If I leave, how would she get her "entitled" half of the savings? Can I just withdraw it now and put it in an account she doesn't know about? We are legally married here in Thailand.

I have a work permit to stay in Thailand another year and I have to honor that contract. I can't just take off. What can I do?

I would be very grateful for a response.

Chuckacinco

This is a classroom management problem not a problem with subject competency.

First, to pretend that a giant class is going to behave the same as a smaller one is ridiculous. The obvious teacher focused lessons are going to fail. The types of activities more focusing on students doing the work rather than the teacher "lecturing" will solve many of the problems.

Second, there is absolutely nothing a teacher can do to motivate a student into learning something the student does not want to learn. That brings up the question as to why anyone with any education at all would teach at a Thai government school where obviously English learning is not taken seriously. If you taught at a better school, you would have more motivated students.

Third, a degree in English Literature is not a degree in ESL or EFL or whatever it is that Thai students at government schools need to learn. Explicating poetry or examining literary devices in literature has nothing to do with the practicality of presenting practical language learning. I know this from personal experience.

Finally, going back to school to learn how to teach is the smartest thing you can do. Everyone thinks they can be a teacher because they have been with teachers in their own educational systems. Teaching is something that must be learned. The "natural" teacher may exist but these rare people are very very rare. Those that think they are natural teachers are often deluded comedians. Go back to school. Again, this is from personal experience.

I cringe when I try to talk about teaching with "teachers" who have no practical experience teaching. Some of these teachers have an education and some don't. The ability to teach includes the ability to lesson plan effectively and use classroom management strategies to overcome the bumps that come in a very human delivery of education. The measure of a good teacher is the number of tools he can bring to bear in meeting the various challenges that come with the territory. Whether the class size is five or fifty and/or whether the students are motivated or not, you are not qualified to teach unless you can think of at least ten (or more) different approaches to the practical delivery of your subject. Go back to school.

I went to Pattaya this weekend. Friendship Market has Siam Fisheries Brand Anchovies in vegetable oil. 290 Baht for a 500 gram jar. There was a smaller jar available.

I was contemplating the savings - Usual 550B VS. 290B = Savings of 260B (compared to 110 Baht per 100 grams from the tray at the supermarket in the Emporium). However, the bus trip, the hotel, the "entertainment," not much savings but what a great excuse to get out of town.

Dinner?

Fried boneless chicken breasts, a long baguette loaf of chewy fresh bread.

For the dip. A variation on the Bagna Caude recipe - Butter + Garlic + LOTS of Anchovies fried until the anchovies melt and the garlic is very slightly browned. A loaf of chewy fresh bread. Dip the chicken breast in the garlicky anchovy sauce, dip the bread in the garlicky anchovy sauce. MMMmmmmmmm.

chuckacinco

I'm off from work for a week. I'll head down to the Friendship and see it they have another jar.

Thank you for responding.

Chuckacinco

I have lived in Thailand since 1989. I have taught in a variety of schools - International and otherwise. Whoever can come up with a Consumer Reports style unbiased review system of the schools here in Thailand would make a fortune. I haven't seen a review of this sort, if there is one please let me know. Parents need something like this.

I am frequently asked by parents exactly the kind of question that any reasonable parent would ask, “Is this school worth the money?”

The answer varies. I have seen brilliant children thrive in some of the most awful looking schools. Likewise, I've seen students languish through inattention and basic incompetence at some of the schools with the shiniest brochures. What can a parent do? How can a caring parent decide.

At the expensive schools, and I teach at a very expensive school, for some parents money is no object as the companies pay for the education. I that's the case, go for it and spend large. The facilities will be clean, high-end and almost without exception, the teachers will be have solid academic credentials behind their excellent professional teaching practice.

On the other hand, the cheaper schools, Thai or Bilingual, can also offer a good education as a very highly qualified local teacher doesn't come near the price of a similarly qualified Western teacher. It's not fair but that's the way it is. There is nothing wrong with having your child enjoy the benefit of a mostly Thai education. That would be an amazing experience and a few enlightened parents consider this a real advantage to living in Thailand.

When you get to the core of it, it must come down to what you, the parent, feels is important. Do you honestly believe that drilling and rote so that a child can write their own name and perform other types of tasks at an incredibly early age to be the springboard of greatness? Look at the brochures. This academic rigor is full on advertised. Do you believe in the creative approach, the ELC style of project based child centered inquiry? Do you believe in the plain kind of school that is the conventional sort? Class size an issue? Top rate books and other material? Would you like your child to have a unique educational experience? What kind of friends do you want your child to meet at school? And on and on. Brainstorm a list of what you think is important. That should help.

There you go. Everything has it's price. A walking tour of the school will also give you some good information. Look at the physical facilities. Look at the student work displayed on the walls. Look at the teachers. That is a lot of evidence in itself. Then comes the hard part. Get up the nerve to approach the parents waiting to pick up their children. Talk to several of them. Believe me, parents have a frighteningly extensive knowledge of their child's school. Every parent I've met would like nothing better than to tell you about the school their child attends.

If you do all of the things I've suggested. That is figure out what you think is important, take the tour, and ask the parents, the decision will be right in front of you. Put in the same level of effort in planning your child's education as you would for anything that you might consider equally important.

The primary role of a school, really, is that the children are safe and feel cared for. Everything else is gravy.

Now, about ELC. I have since moved on to another school but I loved my experience teaching at ELC. I was there for several years. There is nothing else like it. Other schools can only pretend to be what this school is. In my opinion, and I don't get a commission believe me, this is a great start to an excellent lifetime educational process. I also might suggest one of the IB based schools but for early years, ELC is amazing. My suggestion – ELC to their Year 4 then off to an IB based school.

If this isn't financially possible, I promise your child will still be fine. Put in the research and make your choice. You seem to have come out okay. I would trust your judgement.

My Two Cents

Chuckacinco

290 Baht for a mayonaise size jar. Keep your eyes peeled for the Siam Fishery Brand.

When the anchovy mood is upon me, these are my favorites...

• Right out of the jar onto wheat crackers
  
• When making Aoili (heads and heads of garlic fried until golden in olive oil, add a giant fistful of anchovies) serve over good pasta, mop up with chewy bread bought at half price at Merriots on Sukhumvit.
  
• Antipasta - with the usual greens, cheeses, pickled peppers, olives, salamis, a whole side platter of anchovies to eat plain with good bread. Lots of good olive oil.
  

My wife calls anchovies "Falang Pra Ra." I have tried eating the Esarn anchovy equivalent and it is not the same as the anchovies in oil. I'm down to the last bit in the jar. Writing about anchovies might make me break down and buy the imported.

Darrel, let me know how the search goes. I'll keep my end up as well.

Chuckacinco

I was wondering if anyone knows where to buy the fairly large plastic jars of local anchovies in vegetable oil. The label on the jar I bought in Pattaya at the Friendship Supermarket a few months ago said "Siam Fisheries" on the label.

Despite the enjoyment of a trip to Patters, I would prefer buying the anchovies here in Bangkok. Does anyone know where? I tried Foodland, Tesco, Carrefour, Villa, Tops. Pretty much every place I could think of. Naturally, the price is cheaper for local anchovies.

I really like anchovies. With pasta, smashed on bread with butter and garlic, salads, it seems odd but there must be an anchovy fan out there who knows.

Thank You. I would very much appreciate your assistance.

Chuckacinco

I was in the same spot quite a few years ago when I had to do the same thing. It was at Matayom Wat That Thong on Sukhumvit 65 (the big funeral temple and the associated school). I had 80 students sitting on the floor in one of the unused funeral halls. It was an hour and a half three times a week “conversation.” The students were the whole range of Matayom from 1 to 6. What a disaster! I tried small groups with small modeled conversations and then visiting each of the small groups to check. Didn't work.

What I did do instead was a series of cloze exercises that ended up working well. Actually working better because of the open space and the large number of students. Basically it involves taping some information on the backs of students (have a female student tape the information on the female students) and giving them time to fill in the cloze spaces or answer questions. They need to read quickly off each others backs like a game and I was surprised and pleased how much English they used. That they had different questions or different clozes stopped them from copying. I would get 20 or 30 minutes. These information gap activities can be as complex or as difficult as you see fit. This can be ANYTHING but for example you could copy the Wikipedia bio of Lady Gaga and other popular stars and tape them on the backs of the students. The students would have to read and copy information like "When was Lady Gaga born?" Where is Lady Gaga from?" Like that. I would guess you have enough experience to see how you could really mix this up with more and more bio (or whatever) and more difficult questions. Keep the fun going and sit back and watch the chaos.

So that's one way. The second way was using a giant boom box radio (the acoustics were terrible) and playing a simple song like Phil Collins' “Groovy Kind of Love” where they had copies of the song and filled in the clozes (clozes?). The bad acoustic will make them guess the words which is the best part of the lesson. We check the answers, reward the winners and then we sing. All of them. Some English there too.

From these initial classes, eventually I could do more standard English stuff but given the circumstances I thought this worked.

Good Luck

chuckacinco

I really enjoyed the success story at the end. Get out of the power struggle.

For me, so much of the discomfort when I have been in a situation like this was based on the misplaced idea that my competence as a teacher was in question. I don't believe that teaching those that do not wish to be taught to be a requirement for being a good teacher. There are many books on classroom management and many teaching forums. I would recommend English Teacher Ning as one of the many quality teaching forums.

As a teacher I would resent that I would be in a position to have to enforce my subject on an unwilling audience. I have taught in Bangkok for 20 years at a wide-range of schools. I have never won a power struggle despite being physically large, stern looking, and prepared to teach a specific lesson. I have had success "calling the Thai teacher" but felt like I was copping out. In the end, the middle way of what you are doing sounds good.

In the end, my lesson was how much my ego wanted to control rather find an alternate strategy (what you have discovered). Relax and do the best you can do. I honestly feel in a very short time you will have won them over to a workable (but not perfect) solution. My discovery of finding compromise and trying something new took longer than I'd care to admit.

Please post again. I would love to hear how this works out.

chuckacinco

This is a good question that I wish I could write about with perfect clarity. However, I want to respond based on my experience and if there are flaws, well it's late and I want to be helpful if I can.

I have lived and taught in Thailand for twenty years. I have a fifteen year old son and a three year old daughter. I had the same language concerns with my son as you have with your daughter. My first child was a giant learning curve for me. As a parent, and I wanted to do the right thing especially with something so important as education. I understand your concerns. Even with all the teacher education I have gone through, the organic nature of language is difficult to pin down to a very specific set of recommendations. People are not machines and can't be programmed. I was very concerned about my son's language skills but in the end, my conceptions about the amount of English at school either helping him to speak English better or handicapping his Thai was a needless worry. School is much bigger than language.

My son went to Nursery and Kindergarten at a Thai school, then onto a lower end International School and is now at a "premium" international school. He is perfectly bilingual but favors English over Thai, meaning his English report card grades are better than his Thai grades. Throughout his education I was very aware of how much information there is about language acquisition. I wish I could tell you that teachers have figured it all out and now know the secret (is playground English a no-no?, should we only speak one language to our children?) but they haven't. I worried needlessly that my son's English skills were going to be damaged by the education system in Thailand - international or otherwise. When he started school I thought his peers would take over his brain and he would speak that hideous English-Thai pidgin that is the lingua franca of Thailand schools. He turned out fine.

So, I think the emphasis should be on how the child is taught more than the what (at least from three years up to about seven or eight).

If I had the money to spend for a premium school for my three year old daughter, I'd pick the Early Learning Centre. Stop by for a visit and I think you will be impressed. The city school is in Thonglo. They are a Reggio Emelia-inspired project based and art intensive school. I used to teach there. Some of the most caring and hard working teachers I have known work and have worked there. I don't get any money by plugging this school by the way. I am just a great fan. I worked very hard there and believe me, the children are well taken care of and very very watched. No child gets lost in the mix. Maybe another poster could share their experience about this school.

I know that it is possible to have a very good education at a bilingual or even a full Thai school but if you are willing to pay the going half a million or so rate for a good international school, your daughter will be have the best qualified western teachers available. That means something. Paying top rates means you should pretty much expect the most qualified teachers who would be well versed in addressing your specific concerns. There are exceptions, but the best professional teachers go where the salaries justify their qualifications.

As a teacher, I also struggle with the language issue. I empathize and share your concern. In my opinion, at that age (three) there is nothing to worry about on the extent of peer to peer Thai in the playground or in peer class activities (though the instruction language should be English). What I watch out for is the clique of playgroups where Thai is the common language. I am more concerned with exclusion cultural issues rather than language issues. As a parent, that's the test of a school. Many children easily adapt and play cooperatively within Thai speaking groups as the local children can actually speak English as well as Thai. There usually isn't problem. However, some children are excluded and or feel excluded. I can't imagine how you could ask the school marketing staff but you might try talking to some parents. If it is worth it to you, hang out when it is time to pick up the children and chat with the moms and dads. Share your concerns with them and I can almost promise you they will have the same concerns.

Anyway, good luck on your search. Your daughter is blessed with a father that cares for her future.

My sympathies with your situation. I also was unexpectedly divorced (it honestly seemed to me to come out of no where) where my biggest fear was the loss of my child (he was 4 at the time).

Life to me isn't like some sort of chess game where you can rationally choose a particular move especially in the fear that you will never see the child you love more than anything ever again. So, despite the wonderful advice to "move on" rather than sit in agony is good but I would guess you might not be ready to move on just yet (but eventually you will.) The question is what do you do now until you get rational?

First realize some fundamental truths. Your relationship with your children will always be there. Sooner or later they will seek you out and the love they have for you can't be taken away. My wife came after me with a knife and she was serious. I don't know what the deal was. I wasn't unfaithful. there was money, I honestly don't know. I took a bag and moved out hoping she would calm down. When I came back the next day everything was gone. Even the coat hangers. Worst of all was I knew my son was gone. What do I do? Why did this happen to me?

Why did I deserve this? I worked, came home and did what I thought the husband/father thing was. Sure, I could have done better in developing "quality" time but given how hard I had to work, I thought what I was doing was good enough. Regardless, my wife took my boy away and disappeared. Then I had to struggle with if I should get a detective or not, what can I legally do, how much will I have to pay and on and on.

What happened is that I just gave up realizing that there really was nothing I could do. Honestly, to fight legally in this corrupt system, or to get a detective or some other scheme just won't work. I gave up and gradually came to accept this is the way that it is without blaming myself.

After 6 months, my then ex-wife dropped off my boy and said I could raise him myself. She tried some shit like stealing him back to extort money but I just didn't fight (I didn't pay). After a year (and for you - in a year things will be very different but resolved one way or the other) things worked out. If they hadn't, I honestly feel my child would have come back to me sooner or later.

So in summary needforspeed, get out and start working towards accepting the situation - not agreeing with it, accepting it. You are in a process. Stop fighting because you won't win against a Thai wife. She will do anything to hurt you and your children are exactly the right tool for doing that.

A short stint with a Western psychologist located in Bangkok to help you deal with your rage and grief could be worth the money.

Good luck to you. It will all work out in the end. You are the father to your children and no one can take away the special relationship you will always have with your children.

chuckacinco

Thank you everyone for responding.

I went to MBK and asked about 8 shops what to do. The soft mod is going from 600 to 800 Baht. The chip thing was solid at 1,500.

I was told that the chip was the way to go to avoid having to re-mod to accommodate updates.

I don't know if I got an old chip or not. I bought a bunch of games, a few 2009 issue and everything works.

Thank you Thaivisa and everyone who responded.

chuckacinco

you need to install a modchip or an exploit.

Thank you NHJ for your quick response.

Can I just go to MBK and tell them what I want and have it taken care of there? If so, any advice on the mod chip or the exploit which I assume means the soft-modding?

I am very grateful for your advice and appreciate your time.

chuckacinco

I apologise if this has been covered elsewhere. My searches of this site aren't giving me the information I need.

What do I need to do so that I can use locally sold game disks for my US Wii? I would really appreciate some advice. My family loves this game system.

Also, I'm using a power converter (220 to 120) can I get a new power cable here that converts to the same DC voltage to skip the converter?

Thank you very much.

chuckacinco

Thank you for the link and the very fast response. Thank you Thaivisa members.

Chuckacinco

Dear Thaivisa members,

My son is 14 years old and has Thai and American passports. My wife talked to some government official when getting our 2 year old daughter her Thai passport and now my wife insists that my son, when he is 18, will have to choose to be Thai or American and give up one or the other. This can't be true.

I can't find a thread on this. Sorry if it's been addressed at length before.

Help.

Chuckacinco

Once again, Thaivisa to the rescue!

Thank you very, very much Thaivisa members.

Chuckacinco

Wow. A thread of only me.

I found a little Art class on the 8th floor of the Emporium Suites. Mostly fun crafty type stuff. About B3,500 for ten hours of basic fun crafts. All materials included. Making frames with plasticine detail, eggshell mosaic pictures - stuff like that.

Anyway, I just wanted to add to the Thaivisa database for parents. If anyone has any other information, please feel free to post.

Cheers

chuckacinco

I guess this is kind of an obscure question.

Thanks anyway, if anyone can find out anything please feel free to pm me at my Thaivisa account or post here.

Thank You

Chuckacinco