andyfletch

Wilko, nothing defineite at the moment, but I intend to get out to do some exploring once the heavy rains have abated somewhat.

Used to get off road a fair bit in Malaysia when I lived there.............and had some hairy experiences in the rain: see below

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival

weekend together to see who comes out on top.

After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective

is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit for their supper, returning

with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl

into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the

unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap".

They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with

camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at

the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound

of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood

curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of

a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling

Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by

the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango

Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc.

After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the ###### do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer,

"Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours

ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and

turns to day.

The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the

police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye

nearly shut. "Are you taking the piss!!??" asks the now seriously irate

trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, Alright, I'm a f*****g rabbit!"

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:    Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Or maybe its speaking American that kills you......

Have a look at:

www.expatmotors.co.th

they can sort you out with a uk spec 4x4 for export

If you r interested in 4x4 in thailand give me a shout.............looking for some off road places to go.............

Andy

But have you seen the latest management edict.......?????

Tired of Conforming?

Bored with Silly Rules?

Proud to be Thai?

Become a Motorcyclist!

Get a Motorcycle and enjoy the freedom of the road (and the adjacent brown and green bits).

Don't forget the essential accessories:

• A slack handful of stainless steel swarf to put in your engine to ensure plenty of oil gets changed to smoke, so that others know you're mobile.

• Plastic bag over the rear number plate to ensure you cannot be identified

• Flip-flops. It is not possible to ride safely in any other footwear.

That all important routine maintenance:

• Remove silencer and other non-essential parts of the exhaust system, to ensure all the damaging noise and smoke can get out of the engine easily.

• Ensure your tyres have no deformities such as tread, to maximise the amount of rubber in contact with the road.

• Slacken brake lever so that it dangles freely from the handlebar, to reduce the risk of snagging your jacket cuffs.

• If yours is a new bike it will have brake pads or shoes. These will need "bedding in" so that the metal rivets are exposed. They will now work, should you ever need them.

• Have an expert look at your bike from time to time. Should he try to touch it or get too close, drive it away as quickly as possible, you can't be too careful these days.

And a few optional style items:

• Whilst not recommended a crash helmet can enhance your stylish appearance if properly selected and worn - ensure it is far too big for you, and make sure that you set it at a jaunty angle towards the back of your head. Under no circumstances should you fasten the strap, as this could cause discomfort during an accident.

• If you are a Sikh and wear a turban the crash helmet is impractical , but you can still show how safety conscious you are by carrying one over your left arm.

• As a building labourer you can prove to one and all that you are hard at work by carrying your mate on the pillion seat. He will of course have clutched in his hand a very full bucket of wet cement.

• A small child to sit in front of you or, better still, on the handlebars. This shows that you not only have style, but are a responsible family man.

• A 15kg gas cylinder perched precariously on the back of your bike says more about you than a valid driving license ever will.

And now you're ready for the road, a few simple things you might find useful:

• You have right of way.

• Never ever give priority to others, it will confuse them and is dangerous.

• Ignore all road signs. They are for other road users.

• Ride about one metre in from the kerb, this will be sufficient to make other road users swerve into the next carriageway where there is often enough room for two vehicles.

• Work your way to the front of any traffic queues, no matter what you have to do or how futile it appears to others. There will often be something interesting there, such as a pole with changing coloured lights.

• If you can't get past the other traffic, use the footpath. If you have feet, you are entitled to use it.

• Ensure that you only go one way along one way streets. On the whole, other road users will be going one way also, but in the opposite direction. They will avoid you.

• Even out road wear by using the opposite carriageway to other traffic on major roads.

• If you see an accident, weave about the road and slow down so you get a good view of the bloody bits. Other road users will appreciate this as it gives them the opportunity to do the same.

And remember,

No motorcyclist has ever been blamed after being involved in an accident !!

ENGLISH HOTELS

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests . The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times.

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,

S. Berman

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

-------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my

room this evening, found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman

-------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.

I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.

Elaine Carmen

Housekeeper

-------------------------------------------------

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.

I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little Bars of soap.

The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the Bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.

Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5PM.

Thank you,

Elaine Carmen,

Housekeeper

-------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

-------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.

I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.

The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder

Assistant Manager

--------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the ###### left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last Night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one ###### bar of bath-size Imperial Leather. Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.

Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.

S. Berman

---------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.

Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.

Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen

Housekeeper

----------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:

- On the shelf under the medicine cabinet: 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

- On the Kleenex dispenser: 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

- On the bedroom dresser: 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

- Inside the medicine cabinet: 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

- In the shower soap dish: 6 Camay, very moist.

- On the northeast corner of the tub: 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

- On the northwest corner of the tub: 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip.

May I suggest that my bedroom windowsill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.

One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

The Generous Husband .

A wife comes home early from work one day only to find her husband

in bed with a strange woman...

"That`s It !" She Screams at Him ...

" I`m Leaving You And Never Coming Back..."

The Husband Says ...

"Don`t You At Least Want To Hear My Explanation ?"

She Shrugs And Says,"Fine, Let`s Hear Your Story, But This Won`t Do You Any Good !"

He Says, "Well, I`m Driving Along The Street,

When I See This Young Lady In Torn Clothes, No Shoes, All Muddy And

Crying..."

I Took Pity On Her And Asked If She Would Like To Get Cleaned Up In My

House.

She Climbed Into My (truck) And i Brought Her (home)...

She Took A shower And I Gave Her The (bra` an` underwaear), That Doesn`t Fit You Anymore, The Silk

(blouse) And (pants),That I Bought You Two Years Ago( that you wore once .. )

The $ 150.00 (nikesneakers) Running shoes You Bought ( that you wore only twice ..)

I Even Gave Her Sum Of The Roast Beef In The Fridge, ( that you never touched last night...)

She Was So Grateful For All These Things She Thanked Me Profusely

As She Was About To Leave,She Turned Around And Asked Me ...

"Is There Anything Else Your Wife Doesn`t Use Anymore ?"

( An` Thats My Explanation An` I`m Stickin` To It . )

A recent Bangkok Post article - seems to apply equally well in LoS as Germany :

Berlin - A German handbook has set out to bridge the gulf between the sexes by explaining that what men say is not necessarily what they really mean.

The Langenscheidt publishing group say tests have shown men utter about half as many words as women in a typical day, so it is imperative that they are understood.

When out shopping " that doesn't suit you" means " it is too expensive", and " buy that one" means " I want to go home", said co-author Susanne Froehlich.

They also list 10 questions women should never ask men, as men will not understand the logic - including "would you still love me if I was fatter and uglier?", "why do you love me?" and "what are you thinking?".

Well maybe not the "fatter and uglier" one, but the rest?............