Lewie London

Now, now, you won’t believe this one. Old Donnie’s thrown himself a little shindig at his golf club in Virginia last night, yeah? But not just any dinner. This one was invite-only for the top 220 geezers who’ve gone all in on his knock-off Monopoly money, $TRUMP coin. We’re talking they all paid an average of over a million bucks just to scoff a steak next to the bloke last night. One punter even dropped $37.7 million. For that price, I’d expect gold-plated bogs and Ivanka giving me a foot massage during dessert. And the cherry on this grifting gateau? The top 25 got a VIP reception and a private tour. Private tour of what, exactly? The presidential bunker where he stores his spray tan? Maybe a sneak peek at Melania’s waxwork double? But here’s the absolute screamer: Trump’s crew still controls 80% of the whole bloody coin supply. Eighty percent! That’s not an investment, mate. That’s a cult with NFTs. They’ve raked in over $320 million in trading fees since January, which, by the way, is about the same time he forgot how doors work and started yelling about whales in the electric grid. Critics are calling it pay-to-play, senators are hinting it might be impeachable, and I’m over here wondering when this bloke’s next move is going to be selling naming rights to the White House. “Welcome to the MAGA Mortgage Freedom Palace, sponsored by Trumpcoin.” And who rocked up for the gala? None other than Justin Sun, Chinese billionaire and crypto wizard behind TRON. Top $TRUMP holder. Nothing suspicious there, nah, just a foreign billionaire buying front-row seats at the American democracy circus. Standard stuff, really. Meanwhile, the rest of us are here dodging late fees on our leccy bills while Trump’s flogging digital snake oil and throwing five-star dinner parties like it’s the end of the Roman Empire. Which, honestly, it might be. It’s not just a racket, mate. It’s a full-blown pantomime. Only instead of shouting “he’s behind you,” we’re all just yelling “he’s robbing you blind!” and somehow, half the crowd’s still clapping. https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-memecoin-dinner-attending-crypto-what-to-know-2025-5

I dunno what’s more knackered, Trump’s brain or his moral compass, but either way the geezer’s gone full pub fruit machine flashing ERROR. So he’s up there at a press conference, just saw this on Fox News on the tele, yeah, and the journos ask if he’s gonna give Biden a call, what with the poor sod just announcin’ he’s got stage four prostate cancer. Simple question, yeah? But instead of answerin’ like a normal human being, Trump goes, “He’s got stage nine cancer.” Stage nine, bruv, really? There ain’t even such a thing. That’s not a diagnosis, that’s a farkin’ Marvel sequel. Man’s just out ‘ere makin’ up numbers like he’s tryna skip the NHS queue. And this weren’t even in response to some medical inquiry or nuffin. Nah, the press just asked a basic question. And Trump, instead of sayin’ yeah or nah, starts bangin’ on about stage nine cancer for 2 minutes like he’s the ghost of Dr. Oz on meth. Stage four means serious, yeah. But stage nine? That’s a fookin’ fever dream you get from sniffin’ bleach in a tanning bed. Then just as you think the brain fog’s cleared, he pivots, completely unprovoked mind you, to brag about how he “aced” a cognitive test over at Walter Reid. Like what? You failed the basic biology one ten seconds ago, but now you’re Einstein ‘cos you remembered a picture of a camel? Sit down mate, you’re not solving quantum physics, you’re ticking boxes in a glorified memory game designed for people who’ve forgotten what year it is. And then he goes off about the autopen. The autopen! Like we’re all sat ‘ere wondering how Biden signs his letters while battlin’ cancer. Bruv, nobody asked. You brought it up like a nan on Facebook linking everything back to the war. And then he starts bangin' on about Biden's cognition when the subject was prostate cancer and a bloody 2 minute phone call. But the cherry on top? The box. The little box Trump picks up off a table next to his podium. Man tries to open it like it’s Pandora’s secret stash, fumblin’ like a drunk uncle at Christmas. Couldn’t work it out. Passes it to some other bloke who opens it in a sec like he’s poppin’ open a tin of Tetleys. And Trump’s stood there lookin’ like he just tried to defuse a bomb with oven mitts. Mate’s out ‘ere talkin’ cognitive tests while demonstratin’ he couldn’t win a fight with a sad, little, velvet-covered box that wasn't even locked. And we’re supposed to believe he’s sharp as a tack? Please, lads. The only thing sharp is the decline, and it’s steep as fark.

Lemme get this straight, once upon a time, yeah, you’d clock someone sittin’ in the park with a sketchpad, feet up, not a care in the world except maybe which biscuit to dunk next. Now? You so much as pull out any piece of paper in public and someone thinks you’ve escaped from a mindfulness retreat. Used to be we did things. Proper things. Wrote letters, read words longer than four syllables, spoke to mates without it bein’ some digital hostage negotiation done in twenty text bubbles and four “yo, u there?” pings. Now it’s all eyes glued to glass screens, doom scrollin', suckin’ in rubbish like pigeons round a dropped bag of crisps. Mate’s havin’ an existential breakdown? Don’t ring him. Nah, just send a sad-face emoji and tag him in a meme about trauma bonding. Sorted. Journals? Nah bruv, it’s “content creation and social media monetization” now just record yourself scribblin’ thoughts next to a candle, colored mood lighting hitting your back wall and some fake ferns while whisperin’ affirmations like a budget monk in a Westfield loo cause everyone is an "influencer building their own personal brand" now, innit. Used to go down the pub and argue about footy with some bloke who smelled like pickled eggs. Now it’s just TikTok soundbites and reels by absolute wrong’uns with usernames like “TruthSeeker69” and a filter that makes ’em look like a cartoon lizard. Nobody remembers anything either. You ask someone for directions now and they stare at you like you’ve just asked how to reinvent fire. “Use the map app, matey” they say, like it’s some magic spell passed down through ancient tech wizards. And hobbies? What bloody hobbies? Build a shed? Paint a thing? Learn guitar? Nah, they’d rather pay £60 for a bean-shaped plushie that “heals your inner child” because Sharon from YouTube said it changed her aura. It’s like the whole planet’s gone soft in the head, buzzin’ off brain rot and dopamine squirts every time their phone pings. Anyway, I’m off to sit under a tree with a cuppa and an actual book. Not for the ’Gram, not for some ‘grounding’ exercise. Just to remember what it felt like to be a human and not bein' just another walking screen with legs.

Clock this madness, lads. Trump’s only gone and announced his latest load of shiny golden manure: a “Golden Dome” missile defense system. Sounds less like national security and more like a geezer’s knock-off vape shop in Slough. You half expect him to throw in a free doner kebab with every Patriot missile. He reckons this golden umbrella’s gonna save the Yanks from “next-generation threats.” What, like truth? Sanity? Basic governance? Rule of law? Maybe even democracy? And guess who’s been tapped to run this sci-fi farce? Some geezer from the bloody Space Force. Thought that was merely a p*sstake from a Ricky Gervais sketch. Now it’s apparently the backbone of Trump’s war plan. What next? Buzz Lightyear as Defence Secretary? Elon Musk supplying Mars lasers? It’s like Star Wars meets QVC: “Act now and get two golden domes for the price of one Mar-a-Largo cheeseburger, plus a free Trump golf course umbrella!” And now he’s bangin’ on about how this golden dome fantasy’s only gonna cost a cheeky $25 billion to kick off, tucked nice and quiet into his “One Big Beautiful Bill”, which, let’s be honest, sounds like something you’d name a dodgy geezer who does VAT scams out the back of a kebab van. But here’s the rub lads, the Congressional Budget Office’s piped up sayin’ the real cost could balloon to over $500 billion just for the space bits. Half a trillion quid so Trump can play Buck Rogers with taxpayer cash while tellin’ us it’s a bargain. Mate, for that money I want the dome to make me tea, give me a rub and a tug, and time-travel me back to when leaders weren’t absolute fruitcakes. And would you believe it, Canada’s stickin’ its polite little nose in now. Their defence minister’s pipin’ up sayin’ it’s in their “national interest.” Course it is, mate. Who wouldn’t wanna sit under a massive overpriced American umbrella built by the same crew that gave us exploding toilets and $300 army spanners? In a few years we’ll all be under Trump’s dome, drinkin’ radioactive rainwater and listenin’ to Kid Rock play the national anthem through a megaphone while Kanye twerks to the beat. But let’s not get twisted, this ain’t about defence. This is Trump doin’ what he always does best: buildin’ big tacky monuments to his own ego while tellin’ working people to eat dirt. You remember the wall? How’s that concrete catastrophe workin’ out? Bloke couldn’t even patch a small hole in one of his Chinese made MAGA red-caps, now he wants to wrap the world in a giant gold colander like it’s a bloody Christmas turkey. So while Donny plays galactic dictator with the US defence budget, the rest of the normal world is tryin’ to figure out if it can still afford a tin of beans that ain’t been tariffed to death. And meanwhile, real crises like healthcare and the maddening cost of housing in America still all get swept under the golden rug. Priorities, innit. https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cwy33n484x0o

So, Trump’s been on the blower with Putin for two bleedin’ hours, right? Goes on Truth Social after, boasting of great progress. But let’s be honest, mate, if that chat had any real substance, I’m the Queen of England. He’s now sayin’ that any deal to end the war’s gotta be between Ukraine and Russia, like he’s just the bloke passin’ the ball. Funny, innit? Just days ago, he was bangin’ on about how he needed to sit down with Putin to sort things out. Now he’s takin’ a backseat, actin’ like he’s not the one who’s been center stage all this time. Meanwhile, Putin’s playin’ hardball, still refusin’ to agree to a 30-day ceasefire and still demandin’ Ukraine give up territory and stay outta NATO. Zelensky’s not havin’ it, never was, obviously, and European leaders are lookin’ on, scratchin’ their gobs, wonderin’ what Trump’s actually bringin’ to the table. So, after all the fanfare, what’s changed? Nowt. Trump’s big, beautiful phone call turned out to be all mouth and no trousers. No breakthroughs, no real plans, just the same old song and dance. And while he’s busy patting himself on the back, the rest of us lot are left wonderin’ if he’s actually got a clue what he’s doin’. The Art of the Nothing Burger.

Have a butcher’s at this, lads: Trump and his GOP mates are pushin’ through a massive $3.8 trillion tax cut package, you know that, right? They’re actin’ like it’s a free pint for everyone, but Jim Millstein from Guggenheim Securities is shoutin’ from the rooftops that this could lead to a fiscal disaster if a recession hits. He’s sayin’ that the current $2.4 trillion annual US government deficit could balloon to $4 trillion. That’s not just a hole in the pocket; that’s your trousers fallin’ down in the middle of a fish market, mate. And get this, the whole plan assumes the economy’s gonna keep chuggin’ along nicely. But if we hit a rough patch, like we have in the past six recessions, tax revenues drop and government spendin’ goes up. It’s like bettin’ your last quid on a three-legged horse and expectin’ a win. Now, we all know last week Moody’s has gone and downgraded the U.S. credit rating from Aaa to Aa1, joinin’ the other agencies in sayin’ the U.S. ain’t as creditworthy as it used to be. But this ain’t just a slap on the wrist that Trump wants you to think; it’s a full-on kick up the backside, warnin’ that the country’s fiscal house is in disarray. And what’s Trump doin’? He’s still brushin’ it off, callin’ Moody’s a “lagging indicator” and focusin’ on takin’ shots at his political opponents on social media instead. Next thing we will be hearin' it was caused by the deep state, Hunter's laptop, Hillary's emails, and the usual rubbish tropes. Meanwhile, the bond market’s throwin’ a wobbly. Yields on the 30-year bond have breached 5%, the highest since November 2023. Investors are gettin’ jittery, and the dollar’s takin’ a hit. The brewing collapse is like watchin’ a pub brawl in slow motion where everyone’s too drunk to throw a proper punch. So, while Trump’s out there sellin’ this tax cut as a “beautiful” deal, the rest of the Yanks are left holdin’ the bill. It’s a classic case of the rich gettin’ richer and the man on the street gettin’ the short end of the stick.

So, remember Trump sayin' “I’ll end the Ukraine war in 24 hours,” chest puffed out like a rooster on coke. Well we’re well into his reign now, and what’s he done? Sweet eff all. Now, Vice President JD Vance is on Fox News sayin’ the U.S. might “walk away” from negotiations if Russia doesn’t start playin’ ball. Seems like the 24-hour peace plan has turned into a never-ending saga. Vance reckons Russia’s demands are off the charts, askin’ for territories they haven’t even taken yet. He says if the Russians aren’t serious, the U.S. will pack up and leave the table. But hang on, wasn’t Trump the one boastin’ he’d have this all sorted in a flash? Now his own VP’s admitin’ it’s a right mess. And Vance, bless him, is actin’ like he’s cracked geopolitics ’cause he read a blog post. “We need real movement from Russia,” he says. Bruv, the only movement you’re gettin’ is when Putin farts in your general direction. Meanwhile, Trump’s out here callin’ for a 30-day ceasefire, but Putin’s not havin’ it. Zelenskyy’s caught in the middle, tryin’ to keep his country from fallin’ apart while the U.S. flip-flops on its promises. It’s like watchin’ a pub brawl where the bloke who started it suddenly wants to play peacemaker. And let’s not forget, Trump’s the same geezer who paused military aid to Ukraine and suggested regime change in Kyiv. Now he’s actin’ like he’s the only one who can bring peace. It’s all a bit rich, yeah? So, next time Trump starts flappin’ his gums about quick fixes and easy wins, maybe take it with a pinch of salt. Seems like his grand plans are about as solid as a house of cards in a wind tunnel. Bloke can’t even negotiate a decent sandwich, let alone peace in Eastern Europe. At this rate, Ukraine’ll be sortin’ it themselves while the Yanks are still arguin’ over who gets the last chicken wing at Mar-a-Lago. Proper shambles, innit?

Lads, you ain’t gonna believe this one. Kid Rock, that crusty old bootlicker with a mullet and a MAGA fetish, only went and shut down his Big Ass Honky Tonk Rock N’ Roll Steakhouse in Nashville. Why? Cos ICE was circlin’ the block, and half his kitchen crew didn’t have the paperwork, if you catch me drift. Yeah, the same geezer always bangin’ on about “law and order” and “protect our borders” was sneakily usherin’ his chefs out the back before Uncle Sam slapped on the cuffs. You couldn’t script it. Word is, on a packed Saturday night, the management pulled the plug and told the undocumented lot to leg it before the Feds came crashin’ through the doors. All hush-hush, like. Turns out ICE nicked nearly 200 people across the area, most of ‘em with squeaky clean records. So much for goin’ after “the dangerous ones”, innit? Meanwhile, Mr. America First is in the kitchen whisperin’ “scarper, mate” to the very people flippin’ his steaks. It’s rich, innit? Bloke swans around like some patriotic prophet, wavin’ flags and takin’ selfies with Trump, then quietly relies on the same immigrants his idol wants deported. All that red, white and blue rubbish goes out the window when the profit margin’s lookin’ a bit dodgy. Big Ass Honky Tonk? More like Big Ass Bell End, if you ask me. And it ain’t just Kid Rock. His mate Steve Smith shut his joints too, soon as the ICE vans started prowlin’. Looks like the whole MAGA mob knows full well who’s really keepin’ their businesses tickin’. All talk on the telly, all panic out the back door. Honestly, it’s like watchin’ a panto where the villains write their own punchlines.

So now Trump’s gettin’ all misty-eyed and sendin’ warm wishes to Biden over the cancer news, yeah? Proper statesman act, all “Melania and I are deeply saddened” like he’s some kind of holy saint instead of the geezer who’s been callin’ the man senile, brain-dead, and a threat to the nation for the last five bleedin’ years. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t wish that diagnosis on me worst enemy, but Trump playin’ the sympathy card is like gettin’ hugged by a thief who just snatched your wallet. This is the same bloke who ran around for 4 years sayin’ Biden’s fit for the care home, called Jill his “handler,” and said the only thing he’s qualified to run is a bath. And now suddenly he’s Father Theresa, offerin’ thoughts and prayers like he ain’t spent half his life mockin’ anyone who shows weakness. I mean, it’s rich innit? Trump, the man who thinks empathy’s a brand of cologne. You can clock what this is really about though, can’t ya? He’s just tryna look presidential, play the nice guy card for the cameras while his son’s questioned how the cancer went undetected and implied a possible cover-up by First Lady Jill Biden. Rubbish innit. These lot couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery, let alone muster genuine compassion. It’s just another PR move from a bloke who treats tragedy like a photo op. If Trump had his way, Biden would be stuffed in a mobility scooter and wheeled into Guantanamo. But now it’s all, “Wishing you strength, Joe.” Pull the other one, mate. You ain’t foolin’ no one. Behind that fake grin’s a man already makin’ PowerPoint slides titled “Presidency For Life.” He’s not prayin’ for Biden’s recovery, he’s practisin’ his acceptance speech for another 4 years in 2028. So yeah, you’ll have to forgive me if I don’t light a candle for Trump’s newfound soul. The man’s about as genuine as a Thai Rolex. When the cameras turn off, he’s probably back to screamin’ “Sleepy Joe’s got woke tumours from Hunter's laptop” down at Mar-a-Lago over a well-done steak. Compassion, me arse.

Yesterday was another madd day. Rupert’s out here literally tryin’ to do the whole “cultural immersion” bit, full tilt. The lad didn't learn fark all from that dog's dinner he gobbled down at the market the other day. And now, he's wearin’ linen trousers like he’s about to open a yoga retreat and askin' me rubbish like if I’ve “found my inner centre.” I'm starting to think the blokes lost the plot. Then he says he's read another bit on a travel site about this “sacred village brew” made by spirits, mountain witches or some guff like that. I says, “Mate, if it comes in an old, reused M-150 bottle with a lizard packed in it, it’s probably not gettin’ reviewed on TripAdvisor.” But no, he’s determined. Says he wants the “real distilled taste of Thailand" experience, none of the usual Chang and Sangsom tat. Next thing I know, we’re sat on plastic stools in someone’s front yard just outside Mae Rim, surrounded by old uncles playin’ cards, chewin' up betel nut like it's gum-drops and shoutin’ at the noisy chickens runnin' round the gaff. One of the blokes pulls out a plastic jug filled with what looks like (used) mop water, and inside is this long, coiled centipede, floatin’ like it’s meditatin’ in a spirit bath. Just what Rupe was on about I reckon. So Rupe clocks it and goes, “Oiy, is all those legs symbolic, must be the real deal, eh Lewie?” I tells him, “Yeah, mate, symbolises you might wake up blind, but just YOLO it bruv.” Now he’s neckin’ it like it’s Ribena. Big gulps. Proper theatrical. Swirls it round his gob like he’s at a Napa Valley tasting. He goes, “Hmm, earthy." I says "Yeah, with notes of stale petrol, rancid Red Bull and decomposed chaos.” Three glasses in, his face starts meltin’ like candle wax. He’s sweatin’ like he’s in a confession booth, eyes goin’ two different directions, speakin’ in cursive. Stands up, tries to Wai the uncles, and instead walks straight into a clothesline, takin’ out some auntie's knickers and her Hello Kitty sock collection. Then he starts shoutin’ in French for no reason. Keeps yellin’ “Fromage!” at a dog. One of the uncles tries to give him water but he thinks it’s more moonshine and legs it behind a tree, mutterin’ something about Ayahuasca visions and the centipede bein’ his “spirit guide.” Eventually, we get him in a pickup and back to the hotel where he collapses into bed fully clothed, clutchin’ a camphor Yah-Dom inhaler like it’s a relic from the Ark of the Covenant. I head back to my flat. He spends the night blowing mince into his bog, whisperin' to me over FaceTime, “I met God. He was wearing a pink sarong and had a tiger tattoo on his arm.” I told him straight, “You didn’t meet God, mate, that pink Pah-Toong you seen, you're havin' right old ladyboy flash backs from that massage joint. What really happened is you met Uncle Somchai’s centipede hooch. Now drink some electrolytes and say goodbye to your stomach lining.” Welcome to Thailand, again, Rupert. Cultural immersion complete.

So Rupert’s tryin’ to be all “when in Rome” after readin’ one of them travel blogs written by some Chelsea bird who says eatin’ street food is the “soul of Thailand.” Next thing I know, he’s draggin’ me down some back-alley fresh market near the edge of the old city with an action cam strapped to his noggin like he’s doin’ a bloody Vice documentary. He starts pointin’ at every stall like a toddler at a petting zoo, askin’ the locals what’s this and what’s that. Comes across this geezer grillin’ skewers of what looks like small chicken chunks but slightly more… sinewy, then sees him dipping it in a thick, shiny red/orange sauce. Rupert’s eyes light up like he’s discovered the lost city of Atlantis. No questions asked. “That one,” he says, “looks rustic.” Sign says “Noo Nah,” but I don’t intervene. Rupert seems determined, and who am I to be a bit of a mood-hoover when he wants to go full native. Bloke hands it over with a grin and a thumbs-up. Rupe takes a massive bite, chews it up with vigor, swallows, sucks in a second bit and goes, “Hmm, bit earthy, smells and tastes kind a like duck crossed with rabbit skin.” Then asks the vendor what it is. The man shows him a picture on his phone of a rat with a smile on so wide you’d think he’d just heard the best story about Farage and milkshakes ever. Randy Rupe goes pale. Starts swayin’ like he’s about to faint into a basket of fermented fish. I'm thinking he's about to start blowing sick everywhere. Then he whispers “Lewie, did I just eat Remy from Ratatouille?” I tells him, “Nah mate, Remy wore a little chef hat and apron. This one probably chewed through a proper power cable behind a 7-Eleven, got Darwinized, and died an honourable death.” Later, the lad reckons he'd spend an hour garglin’ Listerine and Googlin’ if rats can give you rabies through digestion. But before we left the market, vendor tries to upsell him on deep-fried frog legs as a palate cleanser. Rupert tells him he’s full. My mate's goin’ full vegan now. Won’t even touch a ham toasty or a pizza with a bit of proper sausage on it. By the end of it all, he’s then posted inside a Boots chemist askin’ if activated charcoal can scrub food regret out your anoose.

You seen what Trump’s barkin’ on about now? Gone off his nut over Bruce Springsteen of all people. Called him a dried out prune with “atrophied skin” like he’s the bloody manager of a Holland & Barrett gone rogue. Man’s triggered because The Boss told a Manchester crowd he’s a treasonous toe-rag runnin’ a rogue government. Which, let’s be honest, is about as controversial as sayin’ Wetherspoons does a ropey fry-up. So now Trump’s throwin’ his usual toys out the pram, callin’ Bruce “overrated,” “pushy,” “dumb as a rock,” and all that jazz. He even said Bruce should “KEEP HIS MOUTH SHUT until he gets back in the country” like he’s some kinda airport security officer at JFK with a grudge. Mate, he’s not runnin’ a border patrol, he’s just fumin’ ‘cos someone called him out and did it in a leather jacket while singin’ Born in The USA. And it weren’t just Bruce catchin’ strays. Out the blue, Trump took a potshot at Taylor Swift too, like he’s got beef with Spotify now. Said ever since he wrote “I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT” she’s “no longer hot.” That’s not politics, bruv, that’s what you hear from bitter blokes down the boozer after four pints and a rejection on Tinder. Next he’ll be claimin’ Adele’s album gave him IBS. Truth is, Trump’s not playing public servant, or even president anymore, he’s on a full-blown vendetta tour. If someone sells more tickets than him, sings in tune, or don’t fancy givin’ him a reacharound, they’re public enemy number one. And Bruce? He’s just the latest on the list of Americans who don’t fancy lettin’ a sun-dried fascist with a fake tan turn the country into a dictatorship wrapped in a MAGA hat. Fair play to The Boss, I say. Give the prune hell. https://www.theguardian.com/music/2025/may/16/donald-trump-attacks-bruce-springsteen

So my mate Rupert lands in Chiang Mai, fresh off the plane from Kensington, after legging a domestic flight up from Bangkok, now feelin’ like he’s just escaped a hedge fund collapse. Hair all tousled, shirt stickin’ to his back like a clingy ex, and mutterin’ about Heathrow delays and cryin’ babies. Says to me he needs to “decompress” which, in posh speak, means find a massage spot that ends with a bit of wrist action and a towel over the eyes. Nothin’ too shady, he reckons, just a rub and a tug to take the edge off the jet lag. Anyway, I point him toward one of the local joints around the moat that’s known for leavin’ customers with a smile and a slightly guilty conscience. He struts in like he’s James Bond on a secret mission, tells the receptionist he’s not after the full Monty, just a gentle stroke of the king and a bit of moisturiser on the conclusion. He reckons everything went smooth as silk, warm oil, a bit of small talk, classical music playin’ in the background, then boom, curtains closed, job well done. Here’s where it gets interestin’. After the deed’s done, Rupert pops into the bathroom to rinse off his gentleman’s agreement, right? Next thing he knows, the massage therapist strolls in right after him, whips out a meat and two veg, and starts havin’ a slash like it’s just another Tuesday. Rupert clocks it mid-stream and nearly drops his flannel in the sink. He rings me up in full panic mode, whisperin’ like MI5’s got his phone tapped, askin’ “Lewie, bruv… does this make me gay?” I told him straight, “Mate, unless you started singin’ show tunes and lightin’ candles, you’re probably still in the straight lane. You didn’t touch it, kiss it, or offer to split the bill, you got your rod polished and that’s that.” But he’s still havin’ a full-blown existential crisis like he’s just woken up in a Tom of Finland sketch. Keeps sayin’ “But Lewie, I felt somethin’, maybe it was more than a just hand on my tool box.” Yeah mate, you felt shame, confusion, and possibly a bit of tongue in the wrong crevice. Now he’s walkin’ around Central Airport with that haunted look in his eyes like he’s seen the ghost of Margaret Thatcher in a miniskirt. Keeps checkin’ himself out in the mirror like he’s waitin’ for his wrists to start goin’ limp or his Spotify to recommend Men at Work. I told him to pull himself together, this is Thailand, not Tunbridge Wells. Half the birds are blokes and half the blokes are on hormones, it’s a bloody gender funfair out here. So I tell him like this: "When you’re lookin’ for a happy endin’, don’t go in expectin’ a fairy tale. You might just get Cinderella with a surprise under her ball gown. But as long as no one’s tryin’ to marry you or nick your wallet, relax, have a Chang, and chalk it up to cultural exchange. Welcome to land of smiles, Rupert. Next round’s on you, lad."

So there I am, enjoyin’ a quiet pint this evenin', watchin the tele when the BBC blares out that Trump’s kickin’ off over some seashells arranged in the shape of “86 47” on Comey’s Instagram. I nearly knocked me mug off the table. “86 47”? Sounds like a bingo call, not a bleedin’ threat. But no, Trump reckons it’s a coded message to off him. Talk about taking the piss, mates, now Trump's the one runnin' witch hunts. Now, “86” might mean to bin somethin’ in diner lingo, but Trump’s actin’ like Comey’s put a hit out on him. Comey deletes the post, says he didn’t mean no harm, but Trump’s not havin’ it. He’s got the Secret Service sniffin’ around like bloodhounds on a butcher’s floor. All this over a couple of shells on a beach. You couldn’t make this sh*te up. But let’s be honest, this ain’t about seashells. It’s about Trump settlin’ old scores. Comey didn’t kiss the ring back in the day, and now Trump’s usin’ every trick in the book to get back at him. He’s turnin’ the presidency into his own personal vendetta tour, weaponisin’ every little thing he can pull out the rubbish bin to go after his enemies. It’s like EastEnders meets The Apprentice, with a dash of extra ridiculousness. And the irony? Trump’s the one who’s always bangin’ on about free speech and fake news, yet he’s the first to cry foul when someone posts a cheeky pic. Maybe if he spent less time throwin’ diaper rash tantrums and more time runnin’ the country, we wouldn’t be in this mess. But hey, as long as he’s got someone to blame, he’s happy. Classic Trump, always the victim, never the villain. Pathetic innit. https://apnews.com/article/comey-fbi-secret-service-trump-81eccfe73d4fb09df58525d77a8dda80

So I’m loungin’ in this quiet, cozy coworkin’ space in Nimmanhaemin today, sippin’ on a cold brew and tryin’ to finally get some graft done, when this geezer, a full-blown MAGA muppet, plonks himself down next to me. Starts bangin’ on about Trump’s crypto capers, askin’ if I’ve copped any of his coins. I nearly dumped me latte in his lap. The president’s turned the Oval bleedin’ Office into a crypto casino, and he’s the house, the dealer, and the dodgy punter riggin’ the machines behind the curtain. Turns out, Trump’s got his grubby mitts in more crypto schemes than a washed-up YouTuber floggin’ knock-off NFTs. He’s hawkin’ $TRUMP coins, $MELANIA tokens, and runnin’ some shifty outfit called World Liberty Financial. And get this: some Chinese firm with no proper revenue just lobbed $300 million into his crypto empire. Sounds more like a backstreet launderette for dodgy cash than a legit investment, don’t it? Funny that, thought he was meant to be takin’ a hard line on China, but there he is, takin’ their dosh with both hands and a wink. But it don’t stop there. Nah, he’s throwin’ posh nosh dinners for the big $TRUMP coin holders at his golf clubs, right? Price of admission? A fat wedge lobbed into his digital ponzi. It’s like a high-stakes pay-to-play racket, where foreign wide boys can buy themselves a seat at the table and whisper sweet nothings into the ear of the actual president. Real backhander politics, no two ways about it. Even the Yanks in suits have clocked it now, senators callin’ it a “profoundly corrupt scheme” that’s puttin’ national security on the line and stompin’ all over public trust like a pair of muddy boots in a mosque. They’re draftin’ up laws to ban presidents and their kin from cashin’ in on crypto scams. ’Bout bloody time, if you ask me. And here’s the real corker: some new report reckons nearly 40% of the bloke’s entire net worth is now wrapped up in these dodgy crypto coins. That’s around $2.9 billion, give or take a yacht. So we ain’t talkin’ about some cheeky side hustle here, it’s half his bleedin’ fortune stashed in funny money that he’s been pumpin’ like a nightclub toilet. But hang about, wasn’t he skint not that long ago? Up to his eyeballs in legal bills, cryin’ poor mouth and passin’ the collection plate like he’s the MAGA messiah? And now, outta nowhere, he’s a crypto billionaire swannin’ about like he’s Satoshi fackin’ Nakamoto. Hard not to wonder why he was so desperate to nab the job again, innit? Looks less like public service and more like a personal get-rich-quick scheme. He ain’t runnin’ the country, he’s runnin’ a crypto stall out the back of the WH, shoutin’ “Roll up, roll up!” like he’s floggin’ knock-off perfume at a Sunday market. So here we are, watchin’ the president turn politics into a blockchain hustle, while ethics get chucked in the skip and democracy takes a right shoein’. It’s a farce, mates, and the bloke’s laughin’ all the way to the crypto bank, pockets bulgin’ and conscience nowhere to be seen.

So get this, I’m sat in a backstreet boozer last night, tryin’ to enjoy a cold Leo down me gullet and not choke on the fumes from some geezer’s vape cloud that smells like burnt custard, when the telly flashes up “Trump Sends Team to Ukraine-Russia Peace Talks in Turkey.” I nearly spat me pint. Peace talks? With Trump behind the wheel? That’s like lettin’ a Labrador conduct a string quartet. But it gets better. You know what happened? Putin, the party organiser, didn’t even appear. Didn’t even send a life-sized cardboard cutout of his right nut. Left the whole affair lookin’ like a stag do where the groom never turned up. Trump didn’t bother goin’ either, said it weren’t worth it without Putin there. So instead, he sends a couple of his henchmen, probably fresh off a Mar-a-Lago golf cart, to go “negotiate peace” like it’s a timeshare meeting in Marbella. Trump reckons he’s this big-shot dealmaker, right? “I alone can fix it in 24 hours,” he says. Yeah? Couldn’t even get the main player in the room. Can’t call yourself the great peacemaker when the bloke you’re meant to be makin’ peace with treats the whole thing like a wet Tupperware party. Putin’s probably at home watchin’ reruns of Soviet cookin’ shows and laughin’ his arse off. Zelensky shows up, with bells on, all serious, riskin’ lookin’ weak in front of his own lot, hopin’ maybe Trump’s still got some clout. But instead, he ends up posin’ with a couple of Trump’s lads who look like they’re there to repo a yacht. Diplomacy via estate agents. And get this, Russia demanded Ukraine just hand over four regions. Four! Like it’s a game of Charades and they’re stuck tryin’ to mime a bottle of Russian vodka. That’s not peace talks, that’s bloody extortion with better catering. End result? No deal, no Putin, no Trump, no point. Just a sad little table in Istanbul and Trump flyin’ around sayin’ he’ll “chat with Putin directly.” Yeah, I’m sure Vlad’s waitin’ by the blower, mate. Just pop by the Kremlin with a bottle of Irn-Bru and a red cap and it’ll all be sorted. So much for Trump the master peacemaker. Can’t even broker a lunch order off DoorDash, let alone peace in Europe. The only thing he’s ever successfully negotiated is a second scoop of durian flavored ice cream with extra ketchup on-top for himself.

So I’m sat me in this quiet little gaff near Tha Pae Gate, yeah, havin’ a cuppa English brekki and munchin’ on a bit of toast and beans, when some Yank geezer sits opposite me uninvited wantin’ to have a wee morning chat. One of them leathery retiree types with a "MAGA ME" tank-top struggling to hide his oversized mid-section, livin’ on social security, hope, and a neck like a chewed up Bic pen cap. A real bell-end goin’ on about how Trump’s bringin’ back “real strength” to the economy "fixing it all", "draining the swamp" and all that kool-aid gulpin' rubbish. I says, “Mate, the only thing Trump’s brought back is bog paper rationing, food banks, and the word ‘queue’ to American vocab. Hasn't even fixed his own dodgy golf swing.” He didn’t laugh. Just ordered more greasy bacon and another banana smoothie like it was a protest. Anyway, turns out the whole country’s feelin’ the burn, and not the Bernie kind. US consumer sentiment’s just nosedived to the second-lowest level ever recorded. Yeah, ever innit. Right under the one time they thought the world was gonna end in Y2K and someone nicked all the Twinkies. The University of Michigan clocked it at 50.8 this May, down from 52.2. If it drops any lower they’ll have to publish it upside down out of respect. And get this, mates, nearly three-quarters of Americans in the survey pointed straight at Trump’s bloody tariffs. That’s not just a few lefty types moanin’ over oat milk and tofu burgers. Nah, even the good ol’ Republican faithful are startin’ to pipe up now. You know it’s bad when even the cult’s lookin’ for the exit. People reckon prices are gonna go up 7.3 percent this year. Highest since 1981, lads. That’s back when mullets were fashionable and Ronald Reagan still had blood circulation. Long term, it’s lookin’ like 4.6 percent inflation, which basically means your wallet’s on fire but the government swears it’s just a “warm fart in the wind.” Meanwhile the Trump lot are smilin’ on telly sayin’, “Don’t worry folks, inflation ain’t that bad.” Yeah alright mate, tell that to the woman who just paid twenty two dollars for a sad avocado on an English muffin in Denver. Even I’m startin’ to ration me Chang beer and I’m not even the target demographic. The funniest bit? They had a little tariff truce with China, like pausin’ a street brawl for a shepherds pie, then carried on actin’ like it fixed the whole mess. Joanne Hsu, she runs the survey yeah, basically said, “No one’s fallin’ for that, bruv.” Not in those words, obviously, but you get me. And if that weren’t enough to give your wallet a nosebleed, Moody’s only went and downgraded the whole bloody country. Yeah, the US, the supposed big-shot of the financial world, now sittin’ on a debt pile pushin’ 37 trillion dollars. That’s trillion with a T, mate. Enough zeroes to make your eyes water. Moody’s cut the credit rating down a peg, sayin’ even the Yanks’ so-called “economic strengths” can’t make up for the fact their fiscal situation’s more cooked than a dodgy sausage sarnie left in the sun. It’s the third agency to do it too, so we ain’t talkin’ one rogue accountant with a hangover. This is the financial world sayin’, “Nah bruv, we don’t trust you to pay your tab.” Makes you wonder what that MAGA geezer at the café’s gonna do when Uncle Sam’s platinum card gets declined. And just to top it off, Trump’s latest budget blueprint is set to balloon this year’s deficit to a cheeky $1.9 trillion, lads, with projections indicating an average annual deficit increase of $2 trillion over the next decade . So here we are. Trump’s throwin’ trade tantrums like a toddler on a sugar comedown and the economy’s gettin’ clobbered. Confidence is dead, prices are sky high, deficit is as high as me nan's knickers and the average Yank’s about three paydays from switchin’ to dog food. But hey, that geezer at the café reckons it’s all part of the plan. Course it is, mate. Just like my dodgy “temporary” tattoo that says “grab em by the…” https://www.foxbusiness.com/economy/us-consumer-sentiment-drops-near-record-low-may-inflation-worries-tariff-uncertainty.amp https://www.foxbusiness.com/economy/moodys-downgrades-us-credit-rating-over-rising-debt https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2025/05/16/economy/consumer-sentiment-may-preliminary

So, I just clocked this headline and thought I’d misread it. “One Big Beautiful Bill,” yeah? That’s what they’re callin’ it. Sounds more like a dodgy new ripoff bar in Pattaya than a new bit of legislation. But no, turns out it’s Trump’s shiny new scheme to make rich people richer and leave the rest of the Yanks fightin’ over a few tins of Chef Boyardee and some expired acetaminophen. So here’s the gist, yeah. Give this a butchers, mates. Trump reckons he’s gonna scrap taxes on overtime, tips, and Social Security. Sounds good, yeah? You’re thinkin’ maybe he’s finally doin’ somethin’ for the little guy. But then he drops the other shoe like a clumsy giraffe in stilettos, he’s payin’ for all that by gutting Medicaid and food stamps. Classic Trump. “Here’s a lollipop, now give me your house.” So around 8.6 million Yanks are set to lose their health cover by 2034. Yeah, you heard right. Nearly 9 million. And it ain’t just a rounding error. About 7.7 million of ’em get the boot straight off the Medicaid cliff, while another 900,000 get shafted by fiddly new rules to the Obamacare sign-up circus. Basically, if you’re poor, sick, or just not minted enough to be chums with a hedge fund manager, you’re gettin’ screwed like a date on prom night. They’re slashin’ Medicaid by nearly 900 billion quid, lads. That’s not a budget cut, that’s a Mexican Necktie. Millions gettin’ chucked off their health cover like it’s Survivor final round eliminations. “Sorry Sheila, your kidneys still don’t work, and no more dialysis for you, but at least you ain’t gettin’ taxed on your nonexistent overtime.” And food stamps? Gone. Or close to it. Another few hundred billion shaved off that. Because apparently in Trumpworld, the solution to poverty is just makin’ it hungrier, again. Starvin’ builds character. More winnin' innit. This bill is a proper magic trick, you’re sayin’. Look over here Lewie, no taxes on your fry up tips and weekend shifts. But don’t look over there, where your nan’s dyin’ in a hallway ‘cos the clinic shut down and your mate’s three year old’s eatin’ dry cereal out the box ‘cos SNAP’s gone snap. They’re sellin’ it like a Robin Hood job, givin’ back to the working man. But Robin Hood didn’t steal from the poor to build golf courses, buy Teslas and hand tax breaks to blokes who think “empathy” is a skin condition. And the best part? It’s all built on vibes. No numbers add up, no plan for how it actually works. “It’ll pay for itself,” they say, like it’s a magic fackin’ beanstalk. Mate, the last time Trump said something would pay for itself, another one of his Atlantic City casinos went tits up and the only thing growin’ was his legal bills. So yeah, “One Big Beautiful Bill”? More like one big beautiful bag of bell-ends. You can put glitter on a turd, but it’s still gonna stink to high hell when you slice it in half. You know what this is? It’s a billionaire with a gold bog tellin’ a bloke workin’ two jobs and struggling to put nappies in his Tesco bag that he’s finally winnin’. While quietly sellin’ off the NHS equivalent, lockin’ the fridge, and nickin’ your last packet of crisps. But don’t worry mate, your tips are tax free now. Assuming you’ve still got a job. Or a stomach. Or teeth. https://apnews.com/article/medicaid-cuts-trump-tax-cuts-bill-1e2b12a91a3d12ceb0420ce7053de58e

So I’m sittin’ on a red baht bus headin’ up toward Doi Suthep, tryin’ to enjoy me takeaway container of mango n' sticky rice in peace, when I hear this bloke across from me in a faded MAGA visor shoutin’ into his phone like he’s negotiatin’ a hostage release. “Trump always wins,” he’s sayin’ to his mate. “Biden’s soft, but Trump? Trump stood up to them there Chai-kneeeeez!” Mate, stood up to the Chinese? The only thing he stood up for was a second scoop of ice cream while Beijing handed him his own arse on a silk plate. “He made them pay tariffs!” the bloke goes. Right. And I’m the governor of the Bank of England. Let’s jog the memory, yeah? Trump swore up and down them tariffs were gonna make America rich again. Said there’d be so many billions comin’ in, they’d cancel income tax altogether. “No more tax on your overtime, no tax on your tips, no tax on your Social Security,” he said, like Santa on a ket bender. Billions and billions, he said. Rivers of Chinese yuan flowin’ straight into every American’s wallet. You lot were meant to be rubbin’ shoulders with the Rothschilds by now. What actually happened? Farmers needed immediate bailouts. Prices gone up at Walmart. American companies are payin' the tariffs, not China. Trump taxed his own people, calls it victory, then needed to subsidise the damage with government cheese and bad vibes. That’s not a trade war win, that’s a circular firing squad with a campaign hat. And now? What’s he doin’? Quietly droppin’ the tariff talk. Caved faster than a budget noodle stand in monsoon season. Suddenly there’s no more chinwag about scrappin’ income tax or livin’ off the fat of Chinese surrender money. Now it’s just, “Elect me and we’ll see what happens.” See what happens? I did that once with a dodgy massage and a seafood buffet. Never again. Trump’s economic plan was basically a wish sandwich, two fat promises with nothin’ in the middle. And when it all flopped, he just moved the goalposts like he was playin’ quidditch on a golf course. One minute it’s tariffs make you rich, next minute it’s tariffs are punishment, now it’s “I’ll negotiate a better deal” like we all forgot the last one ended with soybeans and despair. So I turns to the MAGA bloke, who’s now wipin’ Pad Thai sauce off his chest like it’s battle paint, and I says, “If Trump’s always winnin’, why do Americans look like they’re losin’ a game they didn’t even know they were playin’?” He blinked like someone just unplugged his VPN. You wanna get rich off tariffs? Better off buyin’ scratch-offs with your rent money. At least the lottery doesn’t pretend it’s got a plan. Trump’s “winning”? Mate, if this is winnin’, I’d hate to see what losin’ looks like. And let’s not forget the other golden ticket, yeah? The big patriotic promise: tariffs will bring back American manufacturing. Rust Belt reborn, steel mills fired up, coal miners dancin’ in the streets with MAGA hard hats on. A whole nation of welders and factory lads punchin’ clocks and buildin’ dreams, right? Except, where is it? I mean, seriously. Where’s this industrial renaissance? Last time I checked, the only thing made in America with any consistency was political grift and prescription opioids. Trump said tariffs would force companies to move production back to the States. Turns out, companies just moved production somewhere else. Vietnam, Mexico, even back to China through backdoor routes. If Trump’s plan was to make America the middleman for its own supply chain, he bloody nailed it. You can’t bring back manufacturing just by slappin’ fees on imports and shoutin’ about it from a gold toilet. You need infrastructure, education, workforce development, training, investment, raw materials, and long-term planning. But Trump’s idea of a ten-year plan is whatever fits on a rally hat. And now he’s droppin’ the tariffs anyway. So no tax cuts, no trade war billions, no jobs revival. No nothin’. Just a buncha empty slogans echoing around an Ohio warehouse that’s now a pickleball court. I turns back to MAGA man, who’s now scrollin’ Truth Social like he’s searchin’ for a purpose, and I says, “So how’s that whole Made in America thing workin’ out for ya?” He muttered somethin’ about ‘deep state sabotage’ and changed the subject to Hunter Biden’s laptop and Hillary's emails. Mate, you were promised factories and fortunes. What you got was foam fingers, fake hats, and a tariff hangover with no paracetamol. You want to bring back manufacturing? Try electin’ someone who knows what a supply chain is and doesn’t think ‘reshoring’ is somethin’ you do with golf clubs. Because at this rate, the only thing America’s producing is conspiracy theories, reality stars, and broken promises, all proudly made in the USA. So there you have it, done and dusted, lads.

Lads, so I’m sittin’ in a quiet outdoor cafe midday in Bangers, mindin' me own biz, nursin’ a cold Sing and enjoyin’ the fan blastin’ directly onto me sweaty nipps, when this geezer with a sunburnt red face, no shirt, and a MAGA vest two sizes too tight starts goin’ off about how Trump’s the greatest dealmaker since J.D. Rockefeller. “He's built an empire,” he says, like he’s recitin’ scripture. I nearly upchucked me peanuts. I goes, “Built what? You mean the empire of unpaid bills, lawsuits, and failed logos on water bottles?” Honestly, if Trump’s a master negotiator, then I’m the Dalai Lama of finance. Let’s look at the track record. No less than seventeen businesses of his have gone belly-up, and that’s not me exaggeratin’. That’s not bad luck, that’s a bloody hobby. Trump Steaks? Gone. Trump Vodka? Flat. Trump Magazine? No one read it. Trump Ice? Watered down. GoTrump, Trump Mortgage, Trump University, Trump Network, Trump Shuttle, Tour de Trump. I mean, who names a cycling event after themselves like they’re Lance bloody Armstrong with a spray tan? And don’t even get me started on the bankruptcies. He’s had between four and six major ones, depending on how generous you feel. The Trump Taj Mahal alone racked up $3 billion in debt within a year of opening. That’s not a business, that’s financial self-harm. Trump Castle, Trump Place Hotel, took a profitable place and buried it in £550 million of debt. Trump Hotels and Casino Resorts, Trump Entertainment Resorts, all went tits up mate. This ain’t capitalism, it’s performance art in ruinin’ things with your name on ’em. Even the stuff he didn’t run himself but just licensed his name to, ended up gettin’ flushed. You slap “Trump” on a box of cereal and the milk curdles on contact. The only art here is the art of liquidation. I’ve seen better ROI from a drunk bloke investin’ in crypto during a Coinbase server outage. But here’s the twist, right, this same bloke goes, “Yeah but politically, Trump gets stuff done. Best negotiator since Rothschild.” I says, “Mate, Trump couldn’t close a window in a hurricane.” Even The Economist, not exactly your lefty zine, came out and said Trump starts negotiations all day long but never closes ’em. Great at makin’ noise, sh*te at finishin’ the tune. Take Ukraine. Trump reckons he could end the war in 24 hours like he’s got Gandalf on speed dial. But when he had the power, what did he do? Sends weapons, sure, but mostly tweets tough while Putin plays Risk with real countries. Still no deal. Just more noise. And Gaza? Trump loves to point at the Abraham Accords like they’re the Treaty of Versailles. But the reality? He recognised Jerusalem as Israel’s capital without even pretendin’ to care about the Palestinians. Now the region’s knee-deep in rubble, famine, and war crimes. Trump’s big achievement? Stirrin’ the pot and leggin’ it before it boiled over. Trump’s never closed a good deal in his life, unless you count closing casinos, universities, and bottle factories. So I turns to this MAGA muppet and says, “Mate, if Trump’s a genius businessman, I’m a Thai kickboxer with a PhD in economics.” He looked a bit lost, like he’d just realised his MAGA hat doesn’t pay dividends. Trump’s “Art of the Deal”? More like the art of never closing one.

Right, so I’m standin’ at the zebra crossin’ near Terminal 21, yeah, sun beatin’ down on me belly, sweat tricklin’ down me arse crack, and I’m waitin’ for what should be a basic civic miracle, a car to stop for me to cross the Asoke intersection. Green man’s flashin’, I step out, and what happens? Some bloke in a Honda Accord floors it like he’s in bloody Mario Kart and I’m just another banana skin on the track. And this ain’t just a one-off. Nah mates, it’s every day. Every road’s a roulette wheel. I’ve seen toddlers, pensioners, even a geezer in a wheelchair nearly mown down by grannies in pastel Toyotas, one hand on the wheel and the other clutchin’ to a bubble tea like their life depends on it. Thai people pride themselves on bein’ passive, non-confrontational, cool as cucumbers on a valium drip. But get ‘em behind a wheel and it’s Mad Max on Meth. Same goes for elevators. You’re tryin’ to get out, yeah, doors open, and bang, it's a bloody stampede. Aunties, schoolkids, delivery drivers, all surgin’ in like it’s Black Friday at Big C. I got wedged once, shoulder to shoulder with a bloke stinkier than a fish market bin loaded up on M-150, just ’cause no one had the patience to let people out first. It’s like manners clock out the minute you step inside a shopping mall. And don’t even get me started on queues. Or more accurately, the complete absence of ‘em. At 7-Eleven it’s a bloody scrum. You’re standin’ there with your Leo, a toasty, and a packet of crisps, and some lad in flip-flops breezes past like you’re a ghost. Same at the BTS ticket machines. It’s not a queue, it’s a war zone. Hunger Games without the dignity. I’ve travelled, alright? Europe, the US, Japan, Korea, Vietnam, even Cambodia. Never seen this sort of carry-on. Maybe China’s the only place that came close, but those barbarians, at least there you expect it. Here, it’s all wai to your elders, smile at strangers, and then shoulder-barge your way onto a train like you’re in a mosh pit. And don’t feed me that “different culture” waffle. It ain’t culture, it’s selfishness in a smiley wrapper. No spatial awareness, no consideration, no nothin’. Everyone’s in their own little bubble, starin’ at their phone, pretendin’ they don’t see the chaos they’re causin’. But they do see. They know. It ain’t ignorance, it’s quiet, calculated rudeness in a polite outfit. So I’m standin’ there thinkin’, how does a country that goes on about “saving face” have so little shame when it comes to basic public decency? They’re all lovely until there’s a lift button, a zebra crossin’, or a queue involved. Then it’s every geezer for himself and sod the lot of you. Land of Smiles, is it? More like Land of Side-Eye and Brake-Checks. Just watch out for the pickup truck doin’ ninety while you’re crossin’ with the green light and right of way.

Right lads, so I’m down the petrol station, queuein’ up for a lukewarm egg bagel and a bottle of Gatorade whilst I pump me own "gas", when some geezer in a camo fishing hat and a “KING TRUMP 2028” tank top clocks my accent and pipes up, “You Brits just don’t get it, do you. Trump’s the best foreign policy president we’ve ever had.” I nearly dropped me change and my sanity. I says, “Foreign policy? You mean the bit where he just had tea and biscuits with a former al Qaeda warlord from Syria and called him ‘attractive’?” That’s right. Old Donny John’s latest peace mission involves rollin’ out the red carpet for Ahmed al Sharaa, formerly known as Abu Mohammad al Julani, top man at Hayat Tahrir al Sham, a lovely little club best known for beheadings, bomb vests, and being on the bloody terror watchlist. There was a ten million dollar bounty on his head not long ago. Now he’s gettin’ Trump’s blessing and probably a Mar a Lago beach club membership. Trump stands there, grinnin’ like he’s met a boy band heartthrob, callin’ the bloke “young,” “tough,” and “very attractive.” What’s next, mate, a Calvin Klein ad campaign? “Eau de Regime Change, for the suicide-bomber terrorist on a timer countdown.” And to top it off, Trump lifts sanctions on Syria, tells the mullahs they’ve “endured enough,” and then tries to rope ‘em into the Abraham Accords like it’s a dinner party invitation and not, y’know, global diplomacy. Meanwhile, his fans are cheerin’ this on like he’s a Churchill reincarnate, but in reality he’s a convicted felon who’s more like Alan Partridge if he’d been let loose at the UN. I turns to the bloke and says, “Tell me, matey, if Trump’s such a genius on foreign affairs, why’s he makin’ peace deals with jihadists like it’s Love Island for war criminals?” He went quiet after that. Stared at the petrol pump like it might explain how we got here. Statesman, my arse. More like Tinder diplomacy with a body count.

So I’m sittin’ there in Nev's Caff, halfway through me bangers and mash, little bit of brown sauce on the side, when this geezer in red MAGA cap, autographed by the big man himself, made in China tag still hangin’ off the back, leans over like he’s about to drop gospel and a loaf all at once and goes, “Trump only works with the best people, bruv.” I nearly snorted me tea out me nose then choked on a bit of me mash, didn’t I. I go, “The best people, yeah? Alright then, let’s take a little trip through Trump’s personal clown car, shall we?” First up, Bobby Kennedy Jr. Now the Health Secretary, right? And what’s his big opening act? Gets up in front of Congress and says, “People shouldn’t take medical advice from me.” Lovely stuff. That’s like walkin’ into a chippy and the bloke behind the counter whispers, “I wouldn’t eat this if I were you.” And this is while there’s a measles outbreak stormin’ through the schools like a pissed-off ghost. Then you’ve got Pete Hegseth, Trump’s pick for Defense Secretary, always half leathered and more like Secretary of Risk to National Security. Lad manages to leak classified intel by roping a journo into a secret group chat like it’s some school reunion on WhatsApp. You couldn’t make it up. Greatest threat ever to global peace and stability. Even the pigeons outside the Pentagon are more discreet. Next on the parade float: Pam Bondi, Trump’s AG. Ethics? Never met her. Back in the day, she gets a cheeky $25k from Trump’s so-called charity, right when she’s thinkin’ about takin’ him to court over Trump Uni. Surprise surprise, the case magically vanishes. Fast forward to now, and she’s rubber-stampin’ a $400 million luxury jet from the Qatari royal family as a “gift” for Donnie, like she’s workin’ customer service for Air Corruption. And then we’ve got Kash Patel, who’s been granted immunity just so he’ll spill his guts about Trump hoarding classified docs like a Cold War hoarder. And what’s the big man’s response? Considers givin’ him the top job at the bloody FBI. That’s not drainin’ the swamp, that’s bringin’ it indoors and lettin’ it redecorate. Now brace yourself for Kristi Noem, who thinks “Homeland Security” means posin’ with a shotgun and writin’ bedtime stories about shootin’ her own dog. Tosses in a make-believe meetin’ with Kim Jong-un into her book for good measure. And now she’s been banned from tribal land in her own state. Banned. Like she’s an off-brand perfume at Duty Free. Leadership? More like Livin’ La Vida Looney. So I turns back to Mr. MAGA and go, “If that’s your idea of the best, I dread to think what your worst looks like. Probably someone who wipes their arse with the Constitution and then asks for seconds.” Bloke didn’t say a word after that. Just stared down into his cuppa like he was tryin’ to read the future in the PG Tips. Trump’s “best people”? Mate, it’s like someone’s emptied a skip outside Broadmoor and called it a cabinet. Misfits, grifters, and liars all queuin’ up for their go on the gold-plated bog's griftin' carousel.

Oh bravo, Donald John. Absolute masterstroke, mate. Nothing says ‘world peace’ quite like flogging $142 billion worth of top-shelf death machines to a bloke who treats dissent like it’s a piñata party. MBS must’ve thought Christmas came early when Trump showed up: jets, bombs, drones, the works. All gift-wrapped in American exceptionalism and dipped in KFC mashed potato gravy. And they still call it a “strategic partnership.” Yeah, strategic in the same way giving a toddler a flamethrower is “educational.” Let’s not forget who we’re dealing with here. Saudi Arabia. The country with a human rights record that makes North Korea look like a mindfulness retreat. These are the lads who drop airstrikes on school buses and weddings in Yemen like they’re playing Call of Duty on cocaine. And now we’ve decided they need more gear? Brilliant. What could possibly go wrong? So now he’s singlehandedly solved the Middle East with a few tanks and a dodgy handshake from MBS, that’s Mohammed bin “saw a journalist in half” Salman, for the uninitiated. Then they rolled out the lavender carpet for him. Not red, mind you. Lavender. Real subtle, innit. Looked like Liberace had spewed royalty all over the runway. And Trump’s there lapping it up like an oversized Pomeranian in a tiara. Then he waddles into Riyadh like he’s Gandalf the Peacebringer, arms outstretched. Mate, they weren’t welcoming a statesman. They were measuring him up for a gold-plated yes-man trophy. All that pomp, all that fanfare, and for what? So Raytheon and Lockheed can cash in like it’s Black Friday in hell. This ain’t about strategy. This is about sales. Corporate Christmas. They’re not solving conflicts. They’re investing in them. Bombs now, reconstruction later. A full-service business model. Meanwhile, Donnie’s grinning like a lunatic, signing away weapons like he’s doing a two-for-one on nukes at Aldi. And what’s the endgame here? Strengthen our allies? Please. We’ve been down this road. Gave Saddam the tools. Next thing he’s gassing villages. Armed the Mujahideen. Next thing they’re flying planes into buildings. But no, this time it’ll be different. This time we’re arming responsibly. Like giving a chainsaw to a fox and saying, “Now don’t go mad with it.” You’d think someone might raise an eyebrow. But nah. Trump's base is too busy wetting themselves over “America First” while their tax dollars are funding the arms race version of a garage sale in the Middle East. No schools, no healthcare, but don’t worry lads, Saudi’s got guided missiles coming out their ears. Honestly mate, if irony were a weapon, Trump’d have already started World War Three.

So here we are again, eh? After Trump stompin’ round like King Kong feisty in the loins, needing to get a leg over, bashin’ out tariffs like he’s throwin’ chairs at a wedding, guess what? The big trade war with China’s just been quietly swept under the rug like your nan’s cat sick. Tariffs slashed, handshakes all round, and not a sniff of that “America First” guff left in the air. Used to be 145% whacked on imports, now it’s back down to 10. China’s dropped theirs from 125% to 10 too. What was the bloody point? That’s not a victory lap, mate, that’s a sheepish U-turn on a motorway. All them months of shoutin’ about bringin’ back jobs, makin’ America rich again, turns out it was all wind and biscuits. No one’s richer, no one’s wiser, no new Yankee factories ever go get built and the only thing made in America lately is excuses. I was down the chippy last night, queue’s out the door, and some Trump geezer in a red cap, camo shorts and sh*t kicker boots pipes up, “This trade war showed China we mean business.” I said, “Mate, the only thing it showed is your lot’ll torch your own house just to warm your hands for five minutes.” He shut up sharpish after that and stared into his battered saveloy like it held the answers. Look, all we got outta this nonsense was inflation, shortages, and blokes crying over the price of PlayStations, coffee and avocados. Meanwhile, China’s still doin’ their thing, buildin’ spaceships and playin’ 8D chess while America’s stuck replayin’ the same game of hop-scotch. And now they’ve agreed to “talk more.” Talk? That’s it? After years of economic bungee jumping without a cord? It’s like watching a bloke pick a fight in a pub, throw a few punches, get a black eye, and then buy his opponent a pint. All that noise for nothing. Trade war, my arse. It wasn’t a war. It was a pub brawl that ended with both sides back at the bar pretendin’ it never happened. But don’t worry, lads. Trump says it’s all part of the plan. And if you believe that, I’ve got a lovely Corona bridge in Wuhan to sell ya. Comes with free tariffs and a side of Covid.