AltumAngel

Mama goes shopping and scrutinizes everything. Here is how her shopping went..

Mama: "I don't like the looks of this whitefish."

Merchant: "Lady, for looks you don't buy whitefish; you buy goldfish."

Mama: "Oy, and this chicken, it has a broken leg."

Merchant: "Look lady, you gonna eat it or dance with it?"

Mama: "And before you weigh the meat, take out the bones."

Merchant: "Lady, I buy with bones; you'll buy with bones."

Mama: "I don't pay with bones."

Merchant: "All right, no bones."

Mama: "Thank you, you are a gentleman. Now put the bones in a separate bag for soup. And never mind the meat. I don't like your meat anyhow."

A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, “Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread....’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken....’ we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church.”

The Pope responds saying, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”

“Well,” says the Tyson man, “we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread....’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken....’”

Again, the Pope replies, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”

Finally, the Tyson guy says, “This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer

from ‘give us this day our daily bread...’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken....’” and he leaves.

The next day, the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and bad news. “The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion.”

“The bad news is that we are losing the Wonder Bread Account.”

Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization

is included. These are awesome ... enjoy

Tell the kids I love them. - God

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. - God

C'mon over and bring the kids. - God

What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? - God

We need to talk. - God

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. - God

Don't make me come down there. - God

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. - God

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. - God

I love you and you and you and you and... - God

Will the road you're on get you to my place? - God

Follow me. - God

Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. - God

My way is the highway. - God

Need directions? - God

You think it's hot here? - God

Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. - God

Do you have any idea where you're going? - God

A blonde is at a local zoo and comes across a vending machine, which she has never seen before. She sees the slot for money, gets money out of her purse, puts 65 cents into the machine, and pushes a letter and a number.

She is mesmerized by the coils turning just enough to let out the candy.

She does this many more times. After a little while, a man comes up behind her and says, "Miss, could you please move? I would like to get some candy."

She replies, "Excuse me?! Can't you see I'm winning here?!?!"

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see.

One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his

arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.

“Look what I spelled, Mom!” with a proud smile on his face.

“That's wonderful!” his mom praised him. “Now go put them on the fridge so Dad

can see when he gets home tonight.”

The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having

an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: “Mom? How do you spell

‘zilla’?”

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your own wife fell three times this week."

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife and daughter came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. They entered room and observed the husband/father sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What the hel_l are you doing?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching football with my son-in-law."

A blonde lady holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if

she can use the store's baby scale.

"Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can

figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the

adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second

number from the first."

"Oh, that won't work," says the woman.

"Why not?" asks the clerk.

"Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."

Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to the other one "Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid... you don't believe?

Let me show you." and he called his driver Ah Beng over and said "Ah Beng, here is a 10 dollar note, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes." to which Ah Beng replied, "Yes Sir! right away!" and rushed off to the showroom.

The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid." The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." and he called his driver, Ali. "Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home." to which Ali said, "Yes Sir, right away Sir." and ran home. "See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here."

Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali, "Eh, you know my boss is sooo stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and ask me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes..... Doesn't he know that today is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed!"

Ali replied, "You think he is stupid ah? My boss lagi worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at home.... He got hand phone what, can just call up to check lah!!!!"

Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

A small child replied, “They couldn't get a baby-sitter.”

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.

One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"

"You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.

A man finds his seat in the theater, but it's too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him to the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks at the quarter and then leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

My 2 1/2-year-old niece, Kelli, went with a neighbor girl to church for First

Communion practice. The pastor has the children cup their hands, and when he gives them the Host - in this case, a piece of bread - he says, “God be with you.”

Apparently this made quite an impression on my niece. She came home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend down. Kelli took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it in her mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic voice, “God will get you.”

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

Great Steaks

A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be.

The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious, gigantic steaks.

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.

"Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday, when I came down here you served me a big, juicy steak. Today, though, when I have my friends with me, you serve tiny steaks! What is the meaning of this?"

"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

GOD says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

GOD says, "So they would love you!"

3 men were drinking in a pub.

After afew beer down,

A said : " if i had another beer , i could jump over that cliff there and fly back up."

B not believing in what he say, bought him a beer.

A drank the beer , walk over to the cliff and jump down.

Just when A was about to hit the ground, he flew back up and went back to the pub for another beer.

C saw what happen and not wanting to lose out, he said : " if i had another beer i could also jump down and fly back up."

B after seeing A done that , bought C a beer.

C drank the beer and walk over to the cliff and jump down.

couple of seconds later , there is a loud bang and C was dead at the bottom of the cliff.

B turn his head look at A and say :" Superman, you're a real jerk when you are drunk."

Are you a true elementary school teacher? Let's find out:

1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?

2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table?

3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?

4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?

5. Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time?"

6. Do you say "I like the way you did that!" to the mechanic who repairs your car to your satisfaction?

7. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?

8. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?

9. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?

10. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth?

-If you answered yes to 4 or more, it's in your soul--you are hooked on teaching. And if you're not a teacher, you

missed your calling.

-If you answered yes to 7 or more, well, maybe it's TOO MUCH in your soul--you should probably think about retirement.

-If you answered yes to all 10, forget it--you'll ALWAYS be a teacher, retired or not!

John gets a call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy.

"I've got a problem," says Buffy.

"What's the matter?" asks John.

"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks John.

"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.

"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."

So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying, "Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.

John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For heaven's sake, Buffy, put the corn flakes back in the box."

During our church's worship service, the pastor invites all the young children

to join him near the altar for the “Children's Moments Sermon”.

One day, with seven small children in attendance, he spoke about the ingredients required to make up a church, using a chocolate-chip cookie as an example. He explained to the children that, as with a cookie requiring ingredients such as sugar and eggs, the church needed ingredients to make up the congregation. Holding a cookie aloft, he asked, “If I took the chocolate chips out of this cookie, what would I have?”

A shy six-year-old raised his hand. “Six less grams of fat,” he replied.

My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his

belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."

My wife smiled, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

A blond guy with two badly burned ears went to the emergency room for medical treatment.

"What happened" asked the doctor.

"Well, my wife was ironing while I was watching the ballgame on TV," began the man.

"She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the phone rang, I answered the iron."

The doctor nodded, "But what happened to the other ear?"

"Well, no sooner had I hung up," said the man, "when the same guy called again."

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said

solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?”

“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.”

“I don't mean that,” the priest responded. “I mean, are you prepared

spiritually?” “Oh, sure,” came the reply. “I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's just finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Leon... Your neighbor from four miles away... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Leon is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Leon stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Leon turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there...by the way, what should I wear?"

Leon stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

We have all grown up knowing and loving the characters produced by Walt Disney and his successors at the Disney company. From Mickey Mouse to Aladdin, Disney has always given us something to laugh at, someone to cry for, something to hope for and a star to wish upon.

Now, however, is has been revealed that the stars of these memorable cartoons may not have been the paragons of hope and happiness we always thought they were. Here, for the first time ever, are the fates to have befallen many of your favorite Disney characters.

MICKEY MOUSE - died of venereal disease after visiting multiple prostitutes because Minnie said "No" for 50 years.

DONALD DUCK - served as a main course at Epcot's China Pavilion.

PLUTO - caught by dogcatchers, put to sleep after he was never claimed.

GOOFY - assassinated during first term as President of the United States.

SCROOGE MCDUCK - died in extreme poverty after being audited by the IRS.

HUEY, DEWEY & LOUIE - involved in an underground child pornography ring.

SNOW WHITE - fell for the "apple trick" again.

DOPEY - 'nuff said.

SNEEZY - died of pneumonia with Jim Henson.

GRUMPY - executed after gunning down 15 people in a local McDonalds.

HAPPY - killed by insane gunman at a local McDonalds.

DOC - was sued for malpractice, lived the rest of his life living under bridges and eating out of used cat food cans.

SLEEPY - never woke up.

BASHFUL - now a stripper with the Chippendales.

MARY POPPINS - shot down over Iraqi airspace.

CHRISTOPHER ROBIN - male prostitute, died of a heroin overdose.

WINNIE THE POOH - had a heart attack caused by a cholesterol level of 570.

PIGLET - gunned down in a Mafia hit.

RABBIT - died of an aneurysm while watching over his garden.

EEYORE - committed suicide.

ROO - smothered to death by Kanga.

KANGA - put to death by the state.

TIGGER - accidentally bounced off the edge of a cliff.

ALICE (OF WONDERLAND) - institutionalized for life.

THE MAD HATTER - died of mercury poisoning.

DORMOUSE - drowned in a teapot.

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS - guillotined during the revolution.

TWEEDLEDEE & TWEEDLEDUM - died of excessive weight loss at a fat farm.

SLEEPING BEAUTY - slept until 1986, contracted AIDS from "Prince Charming."

CINDERELLA - killed by stepsisters and stepmother in a jealous rage.

PINOCCHIO - is now a very comfortable Ottoman.

JIMINY CRICKET - died after impacting a windshield at high Speeds.

FIGARO - strung tightly on a Les Paul guitar.

DUMBO - sucked into the engine of a 747.

PETER PAN - Christopher Robin's lover, committed suicide in despair.

TINKERBELL - caught by some kid who forgot to punch holes in the lid.

BAMBI - shot by NRA member with an AK-47. His body was never found.

BALOO - is now decorating the floor in front of a fireplace.

LADY & THE TRAMP - sold to a Cantonese restaurant.

101 DALMATIANS - sold to the Ringling Bros. Circus, were eaten by lions.

THE RESCUERS - involved in cancer research.

TRON - someone pulled the plug out by accident.

CAPTAIN EO - had a leak in his spacesuit.

JESSICA RABBIT - backup singer for Guns 'N Roses.

THE LITTLE MERMAID - caught by Mrs. Paul's Inc.

ALADDIN - was caught stealing one too many times, is now being traded nightly at Leavenworth for a pack of menthols.