AltumAngel

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her

husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next

husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally

together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you

mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs!"

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?" Her

mother told her, "God sent you."

Did God send you, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.

"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.

He sent them also," the mother said.

"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.

"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years!

No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Abruptly, the girl stopped the boy dead in his tracks. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sat in the driver's seat, staring out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was

completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer

sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a

month.

A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar

up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who

also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and

even a dog.

After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm

only here to listen to the music."

"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of

strokes.

The golfer says to him, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your

sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless,

but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the

putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on

this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another

fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure."

He makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.

Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be

willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,

"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am.

I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

Three chicks were stranded on an deserted island – a brunette, redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” She swam out five miles and got really tired, by the time she made it ten miles she was too tired to go on, and she drowned.

The second chick, a redhead, said to herself, “I wonder if she made it. I guess it’s better to try to get to the mainland than to stay here and starve to death.” So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, and she drowned.

The blonde thought to herself, “I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too.” So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, “I’m too tired to go on!” So she swam back.

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee

and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants

pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had

better have an explanation."

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog

track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

"What was that for?" he complained.

"Your dog called last night,looking for you."

Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter at the pearly

gates. St Pete says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting

you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".

The first nun says "I want to be Bo Derek," and POOF she's gone.

The second says "I want to be Madonna," and POOF she's gone.

The third says "I want to be Virginia Pipeline.”

St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Virginia Pipeline" replies the nun.

St Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a

bell.

“The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St

Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing.

He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says the Virginia Pipeline

was laid by 500 men in 7 days!"

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and

Agrees to spend the night with her for $500.

He spends the night with her but before he leaves,

he tells her that he does not have any cash with him,

but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,

calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done,

realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.

So he has his secretary send a check for

$250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam: :

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your

apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I

rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied;

2) that there was plenty of heat; and

3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied,

that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, The girl immediately returned the check for $250

With the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a

beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size,

but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,

Please don't blame the landlady.

Send the rent in full or we will be forced to

Contact your present landlady

A traveling salesman was driving down a farm road when his car suddenly

stopped and wouldn't start again. A farmer on a tractor was passing by and

stopped to help the salesman fix his car. By the time they were finished, it was

almost sundown, so the farmer told the salesman he could spend the night at his

home if he didn't mind sharing the bed with his twin daughters. The salesman

thought the twins were kids, so he said it was okay. They farmer took the

salesman to his home and went into the house.

After a few minutes of talking and cleaning up, the men were called to the

dinner table by the farmer's wife. As they sat down, the salesman saw the two

most beautiful young ladies he had ever seen. The farmer introduced them as his

twin daughters. During the entire meal all the salesman thought about was he was

sleeping in the same bed as the girls and he was going to have a good time that

night. They all finished their supper and the men went and talked while the

women finished cleaning up. The salesman couldn't keep his mind off what was to

be a good time. Finally it was time to go to bed and the salesman anxiously got

prepared. The twins got into the bed, one on each side of the salesman. Just as

the lights were going to be turned off, the farmer came into the bedroom and

placed one egg on both sides of the salesman. The farmer said, "This is to make

sure you don't do anything with my daughters tonight!! If I come in tomorrow

morning and find one or both eggs broken, I'll know you did something and I'll

shoot you!! You understand? Well, the salesman looked at the eggs, the farmer,

and the shotgun in the farmer's hand and quietly replied that he understood.

With that, the farmer told them goodnight and turned off the light.

During the night, the salesman turned over and accidentally broke one of the

eggs. "What the hel_l," he thought, "I'm dead anyway," and screwed the first

twin. After several minutes of bliss, he rolled off of her and broke the other

egg. "Might as well go out smiling," he thought and had his way with the second

twin. When he was finished, he noticed that it was almost sunup and the farmer

was starting to stir. Thinking quickly, he looked into his sales bag and got out

a tube of superglue and glued the eggs back together. The glue dried quickly and

the salesman jumped back into the bed and had just put both eggs back when the

farmer entered.

"I see the eggs are alright, so I guess I won't shoot you. Want some

breakfast?"

"What are you making?" the salesman asked.

Holding up the eggs, he said, "Eggs."

"No thanks, I'll eat later, I got to get going!!!" the salesman quickly said

and grabbed his clothes and left.

The farmer went to the stove and broke the first egg over the skillet, but

nothing came out. He then broke the second egg and again, nothing came out.

Extremely pissed off, the farmer walked out to the hen house and shouted,

"Alright...which one of you roosters is wearing a rubber???"

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a

wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our

jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on

the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I

want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all

night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife

promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!",

they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the

hel_l is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the

marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal

shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You

foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some

special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dye makes you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man

claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he

was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try demon Man." Well, the husband, after some

badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he

slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his

wife hadn't seen in many years!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently

over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a

firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming; YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan

officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on

business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of

security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new

Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the

title and everything checks out.

The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the

Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000

loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's

underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the

interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your

business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are

a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found

that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would

bother to borrow $5,000? The Chinese replies: 'Where else in New York

City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to

be there safely when I return.'

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't#9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

Here are 3 interesting incidents which some of you may have read about. Those who are interested are free to help me dig out the original articles.

There was once a guy who attempted to comit suicide, and so as to ensure that he will die, he drank some poison, hang himself by the neck above a river ( He can't swim ), and attempt to shoot himself in the head with a handgun.

Alas, the bullet hit the rope instead, hence he fell into the river. A passer-by went in and got him out of the waters, and he vomitted out the poison.

Paramedics brought him to the hospital, and later he died of hypothermia in the hospital.

A robber attempting to rob a hair-salon near its closing hours got beaten up and tied up by its yellow-belt shopowner. The shopowner told her employees and customers she would hand the 'fiend' to the police, but she ended up locking him up and raping him for 3 days, during which she would feed him viagra whenever he says he is hungry.

After 3 days, she threw out the robber, who promptly went to the hospital, as his private-parts are in very bad condition, and after a police report from the hospital staffs, the man was arrested for robbery and the hair-salon owner for rape.

A prosecutor shared with other fellow prosecutors one of the many interesting cases which he has handled.

A man was shot dead while jumping off a building to commit suicide, and the gunshot was from a neighbour who live just one floor below him in the same building. It was found out that the neighbour was arguing with his wife and was pointing his rifle at her.

But after investigations, it was found out that this neighbour of his has always done this to his wife while arguing, but had never ever put in any bullets into the gun. So who put in the bullets?

After even more investigation, it was found out that their son was in heavy gambling debt, and knew what his father do all the time, and hence hope that his father will kill his mother by accident, and he will inherit all their wealth and possession.

To make things even weirder, this son, was found out to be their neighbour living upstairs in the building, and since he couldn't take the torments of the loansharks anymore, he decided to jump off the building and commit suicide, only to be shot by accident by his father.

All in all, the prosecutor closed the case with a ruling of accidental suicide.

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to

enforce the laws pending.' He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and

said, 'Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?'

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one

of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out,

sniffed it, and said, 'This here's a Washington State duck. Do you

have a Washington State hunting license?' The hunter pulled out his wallet

and calmly showed the warden a Washington State hunting license.

The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum,

pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 'This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have

an Idaho State hunting license?' The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho

State hunting license.

The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, 'This

here's an Oregon State duck. Do you have an Oregon State hunting license?'

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter

produced the appropriate license.

The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to

the hunter and said, 'You've got all of these licenses, just where the hel_l

are you from?'

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said 'You're so smart, YOU tell

ME!'

American tourist was around Bangkok by a Thai tourist guide. There were conversations between them.

American tourist: "If here, the remnants are usually like seafood?"

Thailand guide: "our trowed"

American tourist: "If the United States, the remnants seafood snack is made and sold

to Thailand."

Thailand Guide: "Oh, like that."

American tourist: "If the car tire, ?"

Guide Thailand: "Yes discarded as well."

American tourist: "In my country, all the tires car used condoms are made and sold to

Thailand. ... Hahaha......

"Thailand Guide:" So, what do you do with used condoms? "

American tourist: "Yes, of course, is removed ..."

Thailand guide: "Here, we make it so chewing gum and sell them to the United States

Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?" "Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"

At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms.

She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a great lover Morris."

Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says," I was here already?"

A young boy of about fourteen and his father are avid woodsmen. One day, on a trip to the country, dusk catches them in the woods. They set up their tent and, after dinner, they go to sleep. The man wakes up in the middle of the night and says to his son, "What are you doing, son?"

After a short silence he answers, "I'm wanking, father."

"Oh. And how is it going?" he asks.

Another minute of awkward silence passes.

"It is hard, but I can't really feel anything," says the boy.

To which his father replies, "You should maybe try it with your own cock, then."

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,

"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks.

"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.

After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".

"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".

"You gave birth to a child!".

"But that's impossible!" says the priest.

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,

"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,

"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,

"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.

He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try

to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio

the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and

said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but

it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a

little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,

Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if

applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests

had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to

cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their

chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching

powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours,

Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and

hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his

payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't

have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to

the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching

powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - Pay your bloody bills !!!

Finding positive out of every negative - which we don't always manage to do.

I am thankful...

1. For the husband or wife who snores all night, because he or she is at home asleep with me and not with someone else.

2. For my teenage daughter who is complaining about doing dishes, because that means she is at home & not on the streets.

3. For the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed.

4. For the mess to clean after a party because it means that I have been surrounded by friends.

5. For the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.

6. For my shadow that watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.

7. For a floor that needs mopping, and windows that need cleaning because it means I have a home.

8. For all the complaining I hear about the government because it means that we have freedom of speech.

9. For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.

10. For the noise I have to bear from my neighbours because it means that I can hear.

11. For the pile of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.

12. For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been capable of working hard.

13. For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am stilll alive.

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, 20?"

"No, not worth it!"

"How about 10?"

"No, not worth it!"

"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?"

"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."