Saiyan

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”. The husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

She said: “Out of all your friends, you have the largest penis.[/size]

While not entirely without my sympathy, let's not start a hang'm high thread and advocate violence. Any further such posts will be deleted.

I don't subscribe to "hang'm high threads" but I didn't known it was against the forum rules though.

Marriage changes passion.

Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.

So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it....

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:

'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a veteran'

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper.. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes..

George,......... Now howcome you are not aware that this forum has a " Jokes and Riddles" section.

I know I pay over the top for my oil filters but there are a lot of very poorly made filters available at small garages and shops. I buy mine from the dealers for the tractor, car and truck.

Thanks for the reply Gary,

As it turns out the agent that sold me the filter is a Yanmar agent as well and the one sold was of a very good quality. The real lesson in what MF and you are saying is not to save/cut corners with any filter, which I am now aqutely aware of.

Thanks MF for the help.

Help and advice needed.

I have a small Kubota L18o2 DT-M 4 wheel drive and I want to do a simple service and oil change. The problem comes when trying to buy a new oil filter. The old one has a number Donn-6714-B and the sales person tells me this filter is no longer being made and gives me a different one with no numbers on it only C.R.R. Product, Oil filter, on the box it says Part No 02 and part name กรองเครื่อง ลูกสั้น หัวสิ้งห์ .

OK so this is the problem, the new filter is only half the length of the old filter, I just can’t seem to get my head around this one, as even the body work on the tractor is arched for the oil filter and with this new short filter it does not even extend as far as the body work.

Can the experts tell me if this is possible before I make the mistake of fitting the new oil filter?

Thanks in anticipation.

http://www.call1300.net/

For the English version Google www.call1300.net and translate this page.

I related the Op's story to my wife (thai) up to the point of stopping and observing the beating and asked her to continue the story.

She said that she would have phoned 1300. A program started by the daughter of the prince, Pra Ong Pa, who has a master's degree in law, who take violence against women and children very seriously, and will react against any perpetrators with dire consequences. They in turn would take it up with the nearest police station and demand an investigation.

She also said that if a woman was molested and reported this to the police and their response was inappropriate or inadequate the name of the police officer was to be reported to this organisation for further action.

This scenario might just change the general attitude of the police if this is so.

This to my mind is by ar the most useful post on this thread and if Saiyan could expand on it with more information perhaps every participant to this thread could take note of the details and store them in their cell phone

Tks Carmine,

Prehaps this site might have some info.

http://www.call1300.net/

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walk pasta da bakery.

2... You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than

the English..

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5.. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats

and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

So, from here on in I’m speaking in another language.

I related the Op’s story to my wife (thai) up to the point of stopping and observing the beating and asked her to continue the story.

She said that she would have phoned 1300. A program started by the daughter of the prince, Pra Ong Pa, who has a master’s degree in law, who take violence against women and children very seriously, and will react against any perpetrators with dire consequences. They in turn would take it up with the nearest police station and demand an investigation.

She also said that if a woman was molested and reported this to the police and their response was inappropriate or inadequate the name of the police officer was to be reported to this organisation for further action.

This scenario might just change the general attitude of the police if this is so.

serious , i do not laught at all

Seriously, get a life.

There is always a need for tests, if not we wouldnt have science and we would all just be guessing on how to get progress....

Realy. Progress......

So what result would you be looking for when testing your wife/GF and what progress do you think you going to make?

Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit; the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.

None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realise they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna bloody die.'

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, 'Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?'

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: 'Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hel_l would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you d*ckhead?'

'Absolutely not,' replies the greeter, 'I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!'

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living

objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in,

but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it

takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right

buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to

go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly

changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would

be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be

lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to

push, he just keeps trying.

Fred

This is now the 3 rd time you are saying good-bye and also the third time you’re calling for Sympathy.

Perhaps you are going through tough times and I’ve seen quite a few of the TV members offering you real and personal help, but you seem to reject this and carry on seeking the attention of the masses.

I am a very sympathetic person the first time and a little less the second time and the third time my children used to get a smack.

The responses from some of the members have been very supportive and understanding and yet I cringe at some of your responses and I have seen other members disciplined for far less.

Remember Fred, that where ever you find yourself in life, there is only one person to blame and only one person that can turn things around. A problem is only a temporary thing, although you can make it permanent if you want. A choice you will have to make.

If you really want help and support, just say so, but you are not going to achieve much the way you are approaching it on this forum.

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" reportedly offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an actual class assignment.

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the email. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. " A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. " Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel", Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anudrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenceless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of <deleted> TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)

As*h@le.

(Gary)

B*tch!

(Rebecca)

<deleted> YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

(Gary)

In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.

(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started....

A woman was standing nud_e, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's dam_n near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Heres my point - if you were a Brit in the UK, a German in Germany, and Frenchman in France, and American in the USA, a Swede in Sweden ... etc etc .... would you write what the OP wrote in respect of how to "test" a potential partner in one of those countries .....?

No, you wouldn't

But understand this - this is not about one OP's posting - to blame this all on the OP is to miss the point, he is actually accurately reflecting attitudes and preconceptions that are very prevalent in Western thinking about Thai's. My interest in all this is not to rubbish the posting, but to try and understand where/how these attitudes come about.

I also don't believe such attitudes can be explained away or reduced down to only the experiences that a lot of ex-pats post up on the forum of relationships they have had with Thai girls. It's a part of it for sure - but I do not believe its the sum total. These attitudes go deeper, and challlenging them is to challenge a lot about ourselves and our attitudes towards other groups of people.

I have a pretty good idea what the reaction is going to be - they're youngsters from a cross section of Thai society, some from simple rural backgrounds, some from middle class upbringings in big urban centres, a couple from well to do families, and few of them with anything like the worldly experience or "streetwiseness" that most folk on this forum have. What they nearly all have in common with each other is limited to no experience of dealing with Westerners (on any level - other than other ex-pat Asian students on campus - of which there is a lot in Pak Chong - mostly Koreans and Taiwanese).

An oppurtunity for the other side to reply in kind ...........(?)

They are going to roar with laughter, but there should be some interesting comments as well.

Agree and understood the above.

And here in lies the real reason. But from this point onwards it becomes complex.

Still smiling though.

Excellent!!!!

Remember my first 30K march. I thought it was a nice little walk; the Sergeant was limping by the time we got back (I did long hikes for fun before getting drafted)

Aaaah ....... so you must have been dating Alice then, ......... or are you also a female.

Unbelieveable ........ is this something we should do with all girls, or is it exclusively with respect to Thai girls? Between you and Thai Happy Life my wife hasn't laughed so much about ex-pats - both yours and his (ThaiHappyLife's) "tests" are going to be posted up on KK and Chula Uni student websites over the next day or so.......

Tomorrow she is lecturing to a bunch of students in Korat - both posts are going to be read out in lecture - I shall be reporting back what they have to say.

What a great reaction from you and Ing.

Well done. Absolutely STELLA.

I can only imagine the dialog that follows. Can"t stop smiling.

Meilie pap and Boere wors.

Biltong and Droe wors.

Non of which can be found in Thailand.

Nor will you find that in the US I guess

Pap - No

Boere Wors - Yes from time to time in Pattaya...pretty good

Biltong & Droe wors - Yes....but only beef....no springbok or Kudu sad to say

Definitely cant get

Mrs Ball Chutney

Provita

Apricot jam - all gold

Boere wors in Pattaya ? suprised to hear that, unfortunately I live hel_l and gone away from Pattaya but will go there if the yearning becomes too great.

Aaaah Mrs Balls Chutney. She was from Durban Natal and I am willing to put high odds on that you come from that part of the country too.

No apricot jam !!!!!! How am I going to do a proper fish braai without that sauce????

Pap, I'll make myself, just have to find a huge mortar and some mielies. But are you sure theres no pap in Thailand because I know that the Bannana boys dont eat that stuff.

Meilie pap and Boere wors.

Biltong and Droe wors.

Non of which can be found in Thailand.

Nor will you find that in the US I guess