The Hit and Run Bar Patron "review" Thread:

[HLover]

This is a proven concept in bar patron review threads. I hope everyone can provide their keen TVF insight and creative word descriptions. Since the bar/go-go/resturaunt scene can resemble the  "Mos Eisley Cantina" scene in star wars, some of your observations may tickle forum members.

 

Without further adieu and similar to my love life; I’ll finish first:

 

• Balloon Chasing Bobby: and his best mates for the day: Buffet critic Brett, Obese Oliver, Fat Fred and Whinging William.  This pack of thieves will stalk unsuspecting bars and restaurants looking for anything free or above the customary service.  They spot balloons from up to 850 metres away with the 50 baht bespeckled or even the naked eye. Normally, Oliver and Fred will time perfectly the serving of the food and waddle to the feeding trough as first in line carries much praise within the group.  William will complain about the weather and current political situations but offer zero solutions. Brett will sample each item and give it a number rating to appease his brood. One bottle of water (split between two or more mates) per 5 plates/bowls of food devoured is the target ratio.  The words ‘service charge, tip and gratuity’ are fighting words and will cause this shameless gang to leave abruptly.

• Sweaty Arse Steve: he physically manifests himself in many shapes/sizes but is permanently perspiring.  Although looking like he just showered, from 10 metres away this becomes a fallacy. Deodorant has no chance against the torrential waves of sweat that pool and dry into sodium lines of abstract art at the far reaches of his stained shirt. Enjoys beer over ice.  Occasionally, he is joined by Wet Willie, who always enjoys giving a moist handshake or drenching man hug upon arriving or leaving.

• The Cowardly Lion; This physically imposing creature will sport a shirt at least 1 size too small and when feeling extra frisky, go (gasp) sleeveless!  This muscle bound freak enjoys pushing and nudging around the bar but when confronted, his lack of heart is his undoing and he cowers and makes nice with his adversary and offers to buy a round.

• The Tin Man: Looks and appears to be a relatively well adjusted human. However, once the discussion enters the 2 minute mark, he attempts to WOW and amaze his audience with tales of sexual conquests and exotic escapades.  He ‘gets’ no less than 5 girls a day and of course ‘bangs’ them like they have never had it before. A true borish c*nt who has not brought a woman to pleasure in...well, never.

• Texas Tim: Hailing from any state south of the Mason-Dixon line in America; this species talks 20 decibels (or more) that necessary and loves to talk make comparisons to his native country constantly.  A proud republican; his religious beliefs border on the laughable but his devoutness doesn’t keep him from abusing alcohol and seeking the comforts of bar girls frequently.

• Lung Cancer Lawrance: Loves a good fag more than life itself.  Good chap, Larry...he doesn’t care if patrons are eating or infants are nearby.  By God, smoke them if you've got them. The only activity that seems to make that deep cough subside, is lighting another cigarette and taking a deep sweet drag.  Girls despise his ashtray breath and dirty fingers but hey, it’s better than working in a field all day. Sits in front of a fan to ensure all can experience his fumes.

• Punchy Polanco: a convicted murderer who doesn’t think twice to beat others into a coma/death state over the defense of strangers or even a $20 bill of service.  Fortunately, he has current sodomization appointments that will keep him out of the bars for the near future.

• Creepy Chris: Just a bit off center, he would be your last choice to watch the children.  When he is inevitably arrested in Cambodia for nefarious reasons and extradited to his native country, nobody is surprised.  Usually sits alone and talks to his drink.

• Dottling Dorothy: The aged, weathered love interest that followed her husband to Asia.  Superior to the locals, she enjoys ordering them around and belittles males who find happiness and comfort in a younger exotic version of who she used to be.  Cigarettes and whiskey do little to ease the burning pain and only demeaning jealousy give her comfort. Found right in the middle of the conversation with always something to add or cornering a member of the staff to educate her on how to get more out of life.

• Mobile Mark, Nat, Nong, Sue, Rung, Som, Ta, Ping and Da, ect.; This creature cannot live without their mobile device, seen staring and swiping at it religiously.  It doesn’t matter where they sit or what they drink as the outside world is not important, only Facebook friends and cat videos.