Saturday Joke

[Jamesyboi]

In Honor of Stupid People

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

(######, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

_____

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase

necessary. Details inside.

(the shoplifter special)?

_____

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."

(and that would be how???....)

_____

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion:

Defrost."

(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

_____

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not

turn upside down."

(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

_____

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

"Product will be hot after heating."

(...and you thought????...)

_____

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on

body."

(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

_____

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or

operate machinery after taking this medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just

get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

_____

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness"

(and..I'm taking this because???....)

_____

On most brands of Christmas lights:

"For indoor or outdoor use only."

(as opposed to...what)?

_____

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other

use."

(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

_____

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

(talk about a news flash)

_____

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open

packet, eat nuts."

(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

_____

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment

does not enable you to fly."

(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

_____

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with

your hands or genitals"

(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[peter991]

But wait - there's more:

Bowl Fresh: Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.

Toilet Plunger: Caution: Do not use near power lines.

Dremel Electric Rotary Tool: This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

Little Ones Baby Lotion: Keep away from children.

Hair Coloring: Do not use as an ice cream topping.

Stridex Foaming Face Wash: May contain foam.

Hairdryer: Do not use while taking a shower.

Zantac 75: Do not take if allergic to zantac.

Komatsu Floodlight: This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark.

Earplugs: These ear plugs are non-toxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe.

Matches: Caution: Contents may catch fire.

Pepper Spray: Caution: Never aim spray at your own eyes.

Auto-Shade Windshield Visor: Warning: Do not drive with sunshade in place. Remove from windshield before starting ignition.

Rain Gauge: Suitable for outdoor use.

RCA Television Remote Control: Not Dishwasher Safe.

Road Sign: Caution water on road during rain.

Silk Soy Milk: Shake well and buy often.

Air Conditioner: Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows.

Slush Puppy Cup: This ice may be cold.

Heinz Ketchup: Instructions: Put on food.

500-piece jigsaw puzzle: Some assembly required.

Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.

Helmet mounted mirror used by USA cyclists: Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you.

New Zealand insect spray: This product not tested on animals.

Blanket from Taiwan: Not to be used as protection from a tornado.

Infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.

Package of Fisherman's Friend throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship.

Toner cartridge for a laser printer: Do not eat toner.

13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow: Not intended for highway use.

A birthday card for a 1 year old: Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.

Microwave Oven: Do not use for drying pets.

Electric Cattle Prod: For use on animals only.

Knife sharpening stone: Warning: knives are sharp!

Rat Poison: Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.

Portable stroller: Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage.

Sign at a railroad station: Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.

Manual for an SGI computer: Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers.

Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle: Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.

Electric Thermometer: Do not use orally after using rectally.

Small print from car commercial which shows a car in the ocean: Do not drive cars in ocean.

Laundromat triple washer: No small children.

Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11: Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.

Label on a hammer: Caution - Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object

VCR box: Instructional video on hooking up VCR included.

Toilet brush: Do not use for personal hygiene.

Bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle: Do not open here.

Bottle of bathtub cleaner: For best results, start with clean bathtub before use.

Peter

[Jet Gorgon]

Thanks for the laughs, JB and Peter.