Changing Thai Parents Mind

[najman]

My Ex girl friend (thai) is being forced to find a foreigner husband. She has a thai boy friend but the parents wont accept him. They want me to marry her. But i will never marry someone in this situation. I understand why she lied to me about everything. I care about her and want to find someone to coah her and her thai bf to bring about a change in the parents. Both the BF (Ispoke to him though a translator) and her feel nothing can be done (which i will never agree with). So i want to find someone who can coach them through what they need to do and has experience and success in doing this. Someone have any experience in actually resolving something like this? and how did you do it?

She lives in thailand. And too affraid to leave family. she just started studying and has no real job options. She is stuck in the middle and cant get out by herself. I have another girlfriend now but i am still responsible for her in a way and care about her. I wont go back to her but i still want a happy future for her

[girlx]

why do they want a foreigner husband- $$$???

[najman]

why do they want a foreigner husband- $$$???

I guess so. And to give her a "better future" crap. How can a thai qoman with a thai son and husband go around thinking her thai daughter should not have a "thai man"

I asked my ex about that. But from what i understand the dowry would be 100,000 baht. I wouldn't pay more than that coz a thai person wouldn't and i'm not going to be a money prize to anyone. I am far more generous when i originate the gift. If someone asks me for a gift it'll be a lot smaller.

I asked him he said he has 40,000 baht. My ex says she wants to finish study before marrying so he has plenty of time to make the money.

So the real reason must still be hidden. Too much talk or having a farang husband occurs everywhere in thailand. There are good people of all nationalities everywhere and plenty of bad people to go around.

If I attacj the mother in anyway and she loses face then game over so i have to make her feel good about changing her mind. I'd proably even pay the Bfs dowry for him if i had the money and that got him accepted.

Maybe someone has further insight into why the mother is so fixed on having a farang son-in-law since she knows i'm not rich and no one going to sucker regular money out of me if my future wife is working.

[girlx]

they should just elope, plenty of thais i know have.

[roygsd]

My Ex girl friend (thai) is being forced to find a foreigner husband. She has a thai boy friend but the parents wont accept him. They want me to marry her. But i will never marry someone in this situation. I understand why she lied to me about everything. I care about her and want to find someone to coah her and her thai bf to bring about a change in the parents. Both the BF (Ispoke to him though a translator) and her feel nothing can be done (which i will never agree with). So i want to find someone who can coach them through what they need to do and has experience and success in doing this. Someone have any experience in actually resolving something like this? and how did you do it?

She lives in thailand. And too affraid to leave family. she just started studying and has no real job options. She is stuck in the middle and cant get out by herself. I have another girlfriend now but i am still responsible for her in a way and care about her. I wont go back to her but i still want a happy future for her

Hi,

You have moved on yet you claim you are still responsible for her in a way?

What way is that may I ask?

This is a Thai family matter and as you are not a member of the family or directly involved in the problem what make you think that you have the right to intervene?

The daughter has a mind of her own, she may choose not to use it logically but that is her choice not yours.

If you really wanted to ensure she has a happy future you would go back to her and provide a happy future for her, as you have stated you have no intention of returning to her ( good choice in my view) your desire to make the parents change to your way of thinking is frankly offensve to the parents and other family members and is bound to inflame an already difficult situation.

You are seeking to impose your western outlook on life on the parents and with respect you might as well go pee in the wind.

This lady has been with you a relatively short time in comparison to the time she has spent with her family and make no mistake you are not even on the radar screen when it comes to family matters.

I am not unsympathetic to the lady's situation, but the reality is she and her current thai boyfriend have accepted there is nothing they can do to change the parents minds, and you should too.

That is not to say that the lady should abandon her thai boyfriend and marry a farang to bring income to her parents, she can simply refuse to do so.

That will involve a great deal of loss of face for the parents and it all depends on how far she is prepared to go to obtain her independence from her parents.

You have to cut yourself off from this family let them get on with their lives, alernatively you could give the lady and her thai boyfriend a few million Baht so they can marry and I am sure the parents will then consider him very suitable fo rtheir daughter.

The reality is its not about suitability at all, if it were you wouldnt have stood a chance with this lady, its about the future of the entire family as they see it, and that I suspect is what the lady and her boyfriend understands and you dont.

If you dont want to provide a solution to the parents problems dont add to them please.

Roygsd

[roygsd]

why do they want a foreigner husband- $$$???

If they were checking the exchage rates the answer would be euro's or the £.

Roy gsd

[anthonyu]

Don't take this the wrong way...did you sleep with her and does her parents know about it or assume that you did?

For conservative Thai families girls are supposed to remain virgins until they marry. If they know or assume that you did sleep together, they would then be inclined to make sure she marries you as an act of saving face in the hopes that no one else will notice. Its not about marrying a foreigner...its about marrying you.

If this isn't the case then sorry for bringing it up but if it is then disappearing and relocating somewhere they can't track you down is a good idea.

[najman]

Hi,

You have moved on yet you claim you are still responsible for her in a way?

What way is that may I ask?

This is a Thai family matter and as you are not a member of the family or directly involved in the problem what make you think that you have the right to intervene?

The daughter has a mind of her own, she may choose not to use it logically but that is her choice not yours.

If you really wanted to ensure she has a happy future you would go back to her and provide a happy future for her, as you have stated you have no intention of returning to her ( good choice in my view) your desire to make the parents change to your way of thinking is frankly offensve to the parents and other family members and is bound to inflame an already difficult situation.

You are seeking to impose your western outlook on life on the parents and with respect you might as well go pee in the wind.

This lady has been with you a relatively short time in comparison to the time she has spent with her family and make no mistake you are not even on the radar screen when it comes to family matters.

I am not unsympathetic to the lady's situation, but the reality is she and her current thai boyfriend have accepted there is nothing they can do to change the parents minds, and you should too.

That is not to say that the lady should abandon her thai boyfriend and marry a farang to bring income to her parents, she can simply refuse to do so.

That will involve a great deal of loss of face for the parents and it all depends on how far she is prepared to go to obtain her independence from her parents.

You have to cut yourself off from this family let them get on with their lives, alernatively you could give the lady and her thai boyfriend a few million Baht so they can marry and I am sure the parents will then consider him very suitable fo rtheir daughter.

The reality is its not about suitability at all, if it were you wouldnt have stood a chance with this lady, its about the future of the entire family as they see it, and that I suspect is what the lady and her boyfriend understands and you dont.

If you dont want to provide a solution to the parents problems dont add to them please.

Roygsd

I understand this view point. Yes I could look the other way when i see someone needs help. I can say a war in another country has nothing to do with me. Or the next door neighbor bashing his wife half to death. For me this isn't about imposing my "western beleifs" on thailand. It's about helping someone in need weather they are asking or not. I dont wait to be asked to help if i see i need to anyway. Call it a higher definition of responsibility.

Freedom to choose your own course in life is a basic human right. I know how this has dramatically affected her for the worse. She has to lie to protect herself and has made lying a way of life. she lies to her parents to me and to her thai bf to keep everyone happy. It has reduced her personal integrity and created a miserable girl. I don't want to walk away from her like that. I know these situations have been resolved in the past so i am looking for those that have that experience and can offer some advice. Even if she bites me while i'm trying to take the trap off her foot then so be it. i'll get bitten.

I'm not interested in making the parents wrong or making them lose face. i want to do it in a way that they can save face. perhaps offering to pay the dowry is a solution. I dont think more than 100,000 is needed since i wouldn't pay more anyway. I'm not into buying my future bride. I am young (29) and will not buy anyone. only follow a custom and pay the standard custom fee.

Yes I did sleep with her. The parents know. She has slept with a couple of ex bfs in the past so for me this is a none issue. The parents know about the past too. It's about this idea that it's better to marry a farang. I emephize with the poor families. I'd rather teach them to make more money themselves than give payouts.

So it's this whole situation of her lying to me, her parents lying and taing a criminal appraoch to get something for nothing and using their daughter to get some cash and to hel_l with how badly it affects her. They are not that poor, probably the richest in their village with several businesses and new car. She is studying and capable of making a decent income as well as her thai bf. So they will never go wanting for too much. The excuse used by the mother is that she will have a "better life" with a foreigner. This is the wrong idea that needs to change. Removing someone's self determinism is about the wrost you can do to someone and results in no responsibility, lies and destruction. That is not beneficial to anyone and is not worth 10 milion baht.

Edited July 24, 2008 by najman

[najman]

Don't take this the wrong way...did you sleep with her and does her parents know about it or assume that you did?

For conservative Thai families girls are supposed to remain virgins until they marry. If they know or assume that you did sleep together, they would then be inclined to make sure she marries you as an act of saving face in the hopes that no one else will notice. Its not about marrying a foreigner...its about marrying you.

If this isn't the case then sorry for bringing it up but if it is then disappearing and relocating somewhere they can't track you down is a good idea.

It's ok the question doesn't offend me in the least. Yes i slept with her and her parents knew from the beginning. they understood that western culture is different to their culture. I'm not the first person she slept with either. First farang but couple of thai boys before. I'm not worried about them chasing me. If anything they will be running away for all the lies and deception. They are basically good folk with some non-survival ideas that will only cause more harm than good. I like their family but not the way they are going about doing this. It's her life. She's 21 and should make her own choices - even if they are wrong at least she can learn and keep creating her own life. As our own beings we have the right to create our own destinies. Thats a universal fact not a "western belief". They are not staving or wanting so i cant even look at it like they are only just trying to survive.

Edited July 24, 2008 by najman

[bina]

you really wanted to ensure she has a happy future you would go back to her and provide a happy future for her, as you have stated you have no intention of returning to her ( good choice in my view) your desire to make the parents change to your way of thinking is frankly offensve to the parents and other family members and is bound to inflame an already difficult situation.

You are seeking to impose your western outlook on life on the parents and with respect you might as well go pee in the wind.

This lady has been with you a relatively short time in comparison to the time she has spent with her family and make no mistake you are not even on the radar screen when it comes to family matters.

I am not unsympathetic to the lady's situation, but the reality is she and her current thai boyfriend have accepted there is nothing they can do to change the parents minds, and you should too.

That is not to say that the lady should abandon her thai boyfriend and marry a farang to bring income to her parents, she can simply refuse to do so.

That will involve a great deal of loss of face for the parents and it all depends on how far she is prepared to go to obtain her independence from her parents.

You have to cut yourself off from this family let them get on with their lives

in thailand, a person's personal problems are his/her own. you are not a brother, therefore, by u helping her, u are stating your intentions regardless. and to give the bf money, u make him lose face. either she has to decide to do what she wants, or she will have to give in to her parents, if not with u then with some other farang. it is not your problem. if u make it your problem, in the end, it will haunt u. she will ahve a child, there will be problems with the bf she is with now, and she will, again turn to u for financial help. all the roads to hel_l are paved with good intentions . sometimes the best solution is to do nothing and let the primary parties to deal. u wont always be around to save her and she will have other decisions along the same lines as well. by helping now, u are prolonging the pain for the future.

my advice as a woman, married to a thai man

bina

[mekongmiss]

Well, my advice is not to continue your role in this real life soap opera and leave the family to sort it out.

[BlackArtemis]

Tell your current girlfriend that you still care and feel responsible for the ex. Then see how fast you lose both.

Get out, run far away and change your cell number. The family want's farang $ and are banok trash if they do.

[Shotime]

Luckily, you have a few options. I think, however, the following is probably best all things considered. You can try to live together as a threesome. If you're open-minded about it, it might be fun. You marry her, but with the understanding amongst the three of you that it's just to placate the Mother. Since she's not a virgin, the dowry shouldn't be that much. This way, no one losses face except you, and, I doubt, they would care too much about your face.

[frankman]

Come on guys!

What's up with you???

This is Thailand!

Thanks Bhuda!

What are you looking for?

Cock dee!!!

[najman]

Haha these answers are funny. Well thanks for the various view points. It's good to get different ideas even if i dont agree with all of them. Actually my current gf knows about her and what i was trying to do. I'm sure she's not happy about it but she doesn't seem too concerned since she knows i'm just trying to help my ex and her bf.

A threesome sounds like Disney Land and i'm sure there are plenty of girls that would do this kind of thing but very unfullfilling and is not the relationship i'm looking for.

I spoke to my ex gf last night and told her I wont be speaking to her anymore. It's true that she put her self in that situation and rather than taking responsisbility she has just decided to making lying a way of life. I yelled at her a bit and told her i wont be speaking to her anymore and deleted her. I hope at least she'll rethink looking for a farang husband,start to fight backa bit and perhaps lie a little less. Any way best way to help her is leave her. I offered some help but she doesn't want it. So good for her. Time to move on with my life.

Thanks again for all your input.

[BlackArtemis]

I spoke to my ex gf last night and told her I wont be speaking to her anymore. It's true that she put her self in that situation and rather than taking responsisbility she has just decided to making lying a way of life. I yelled at her a bit and told her i wont be speaking to her anymore and deleted her.

Time to move on with my life.

Thanks again for all your input.

The best things you have said all thread. I wish the best with the new GF. THere are many wonderful THai girls here who want love and happiness, not just our money. I found an educated and respectable wife here I know anyone can do the same if they want to.

[Sheryl]

There is no way you can get someone to "coach" or "counsel" the parents if they aren't receptive yo it, and they won't be.

All you can do is advise your ex.

In my experience, Thai parents usually come around to accepting a daughter's chouice of spouse if the child holds firm, continues to see him, and he continues to be polite, seek their favor and demonstrate by his behavior that he will be a good husband and son-in-law. . It can be a drawn out groveling experience for the man, but in every case that I have seen where the man hung in and did this, in the end the family relented.

Especially as time passes and the girl gets older, thus rendering her less marraigeable and also causing the parents to lose face because she isn't married yet.

The other option is elopment but this is NOT culturally acceptable and if tour ex is at all main-stream in her attitudes she probably won't consider it. In which case, just counsel her to hold fast to her intention and be patient.

Meanwhile if the suitor is able to save up more for the dowry, this will also help.

Suggest you ignore the more far-out suggestions that have been posted....

[najman]

In my experience, Thai parents usually come around to accepting a daughter's chouice of spouse if the child holds firm, continues to see him, and he continues to be polite, seek their favor and demonstrate by his behavior that he will be a good husband and son-in-law. . It can be a drawn out groveling experience for the man, but in every case that I have seen where the man hung in and did this, in the end the family relented.

Especially as time passes and the girl gets older, thus rendering her less marraigeable and also causing the parents to lose face because she isn't married yet.

Thanks so much Sherl. This is exactly what i was looking for. I will get this translated into thai and sent to both my ex and the ex bf. Glad to confirm that this can be done and you have seen it.

Thanks again!