Popular Post Pushit Posted September 20, 2012 Popular Post Share Posted September 20, 2012 In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post RedNIvar Posted September 20, 2012 Popular Post Share Posted September 20, 2012 A guy walks up to the clerk in a Sex Shop and asks for a blowup doll, The clerk asks if he want a white, brown or black blowup doll? The guy asks for the white one. The clerk then asks if he want a Christian or Muslim doll? The guy scratches his head and say what's that got to do with anything......... The clerk goes "well you blow the Christian doll up, but the Muslim doll blows itself up"!!!!!!! Sorry....this is the worst joke ever page. Could not resist. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chicog Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 Doctor calls a patient: Doctor: You'd better sit down, I've got bad news and very bad news. According to the tests you've got 24 hours to live. Patient: WHAAAT? 24 HOURS TO LIVE!!!!! WHAT NEWS COULD BE WORSE THAN THAT? Doctor: I was gonna tell you yesterday but I forgot. The Doctor says to his patient in hospital: "I've got some good news and some bad news". "What's the bad news?". "We had to amputate your legs". "What's the good news?". "The bloke in the bed next door wants to buy your slippers off you. ========= Another man wakes up screaming "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!". "I know", said the doctor, "We had to amputate your arms". 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedNIvar Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 What is the definition of a Lesbian? Yet another dam_n Woman trying to do a Man's job!! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevjohn Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 (edited) My daughter Lili was five when she received a foam CD holder with plastic sleeves for all her music CDs. I explained to her that CDs are sensitive to light and heat, so she should not leave the holder in the sun. During our home addition, the electrician was working in the backyard and Lili had gone to play in the sandbox, leaving her new CD holder on the patio table. My wife saw it and told Lili she was going to put it in the house. Lili stood up in the sandbox and said, "Mommy, make sure you put it where the sun doesn't shine!" The electrician took a break. Edited September 20, 2012 by kevjohn 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevjohn Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time." She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevjohn Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 A wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up a dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At the odd moment she crosses her legs ... just enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?" "Yes," she answers, seductively. "Thank goodness for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa!" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoonToong Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 The Doctor says to his patient in hospital: "I've got some good news and some bad news". "What's the bad news?". "We had to amputate your legs". "What's the good news?". "The bloke in the bed next door wants to buy your slippers off you. The Doctor says to his patient in hospital: "I've got some good news and some bad news". "What's the bad news?". "We had to amputate your legs". "What's the good news?". "See that blonde nurse over there with the long legs, white stockings and big chest?" "Yes?" "I'm f*****g her" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the elderly gentleman on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there. "No," the man replied, "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the first man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?" The elderly man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The old man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevjohn Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 The biggest loser at my weight-loss club was an elderly woman. "How'd you do it?" we asked . "Easy," she said."Every night I take my teeth out at six o'clock." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevjohn Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 "How was your blind date?" "Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls-Royce." "What's so terrible about that?" "He was the original owner!" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevjohn Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, an old geezer's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally??? Ever wonder why? It's because she smells like a new golf bag .... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevjohn Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 A man was on his deathbed. With a pitiful gasp, he managed to whisper to his wife, "I have one last request, my dear." "Of course", she replied, clutching his hand. "Six months after I die, I would like you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob!" "I do." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 It was early one morning when the Pastor heard a noise outside his door. When he opened it, he found a donkey standing outside, which immediately fell over dead. Not exactly knowing what to do about the situation, he called the local sheriff and told him about what was laying before him. The sheriff couldn't resist jabbing at the Minister and said, "Pastor, I thought the first duty of the Minister was to bury the dead." Without hesitation, the Pastor said, "No, the first duty of the Minister is to notify the next of kin." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 Morris was a very successful marketing director. Sadly, his wife Shirley dies. At the cemetery, Morris's friends and family are appalled to see that the headstone reads: "Here lies Shirley, wife of Morris, MCIM, Post Graduate Diploma in Marketing and Marketing Director of Quality Marketing Services Ltd." Morris was standing in front of Shirley's grave reading the headstone when he suddenly burst into tears. His brother says to him, "I'm not at all surprised that you find this distasteful. It's right that you should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on Shirley's headstone." Through his tears, Morris sobs, "You don't understand. They left out the phone number." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stops by his office. As she walks in unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his lap. Without hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter: "And in conclusion gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held." "Well, " the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevjohn Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 Once upon a time there was a cruise ship sailing. On board, a magician was giving a show to some passengers. The magician ALWAYS had a parrot on his shoulder. Whenever the magician told a joke, the parrot would give it away. One time the magician had a knife, he spun it around, it dissappeared! The parrot said "It's in his pocket, it's in his pocket". The crowd booed him because the parrot gave it away. The next trick he did, he waved a wand around and it vanished. Again, the parrot said, "It's up his sleeve! It's up his sleeve!" The magician got mad because he couldn't keep any of his tricks secret. The parrot kept giving them away. One day the cruise ship sank. The magician and the parrot managed to make it to an island where they stayed for about 3 months when the parrot all of a sudden, burst out and asked: "Ok, I give up! Where'd you hide the ship?" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevjohn Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 A farmer in Arkansas and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it." He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and says, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed, it's hard to tell." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 (edited) A DESERT LOVE STORY Once upon a time there was a very handsome male camel with twohuge camel humps. He fell in love and married a beautiful female camel who had one perfect camel hump. As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby camel who had no humps. They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little boy. They finally decided on... Are you ready for this????? ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ 'Humpfree'! Oh, stop your whinging... It's a nice story and better than a lot of the other junk I send you. Edited September 22, 2012 by Ron19 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine51 Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party ?" "Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine51 Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Denny's is an American "restaurant"....of sorts sooooo... A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later she's back at the doctor. She says, "Doc, the pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Naah... ", she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to Denny's anyway." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine51 Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 A businessman traveled to Japan to meet and play golf with a few Japanese business associates. Having nothing to do the night before his game, he decided to solicit the services of a prostitute. Later, when they were in the throes of passion, she suddenly screamed out "Kawasaki!" Not knowing the translation, he figured it meant he was performing exceptionally well, and so he kept going. Again she screamed, "Kawasaki! Kawasaki!" And again, he smiled proudly at this congratulation and continued. Finally, she shrieked "KAWASAKI!" a third time, jumped out of bed and ran from the room. "Must have been too good for her!" he thought to himself, and went to sleep contented with himself. The next day, while in the middle of his round of golf, one of his Japanese associates hit a perfect 6-iron off the tee right into the cup for a hole-in-one! Remembering his new word and wanting to impress his associates with his linguistic proficiency, the man yelled out "Kawasaki!" Perplexed, the Japanese golfer turned to him and asked, "What do you mean, wrong hole?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine51 Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took their sign down and took off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read; "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER.....$50.00." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine51 Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue." The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave." Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Whirling Walter!" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine51 Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine51 Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? Bad Golfer: "Whack!" "F***!" Bad Skydiver: "F***!!" "Whack!!" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine51 Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 A drunk man was casually taking a leak into a drinking fountain in the park when a police officer came up to him and yelled frantically, "What do you think you're doing? There's a public toilet 20 meters from here!" The man, amazed, yells back, "What do you think I have, a fire hose?!" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine51 Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Q: What is the difference between a sin and shame? A: It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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