warfie Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 And without further ado I give you: Several nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out. The nuns took their habits off and tied them together to make a rope to get out of the building via the window. After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?" "No," replied the old nun "don't you know... ...old habits are hard to break?" NEXT! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ozsamurai Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar. The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders. The bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" The string says "Yeah." The bartender says, "aren't you a string?" The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ozsamurai Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 get in line behind the missus~~lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sgunn65 Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 Shakespeare walks into a bar. The barman shouts" Get out you're Bard" I have loads of these and will post them unless you send me money Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T_Dog Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "Why the long face?" Okay, can you beat that with a shorter joke? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thaddeus Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 Q. Why did the pervert cross the road. A. He was stuck up the chicken. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warfie Posted June 6, 2009 Author Share Posted June 6, 2009 The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!" Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window." "Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you." The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those." "I'm sorry sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes." The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!" "I'm terribly sorry, sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, and you could have 5 more minutes." Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP." "I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant...... ....."I've just realised I was playing you the B side." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warfie Posted June 6, 2009 Author Share Posted June 6, 2009 please don't hate me... hmmm... Chiang Mai TV party tonight... perhaps I should reconsider attending... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warfie Posted June 6, 2009 Author Share Posted June 6, 2009 This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, ''I'll just have the eggs Benedict.'' His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hub-cap. He asks the waiter, ''What's with the hub-cap?'' The waiter sings, ''Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!'' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T_Dog Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 Kermit the Frog walks into a bank looking for loan and wants to talk to the Bank President. The bank teller, Miss Patty Whack, tells Kermit they can't give a loan to just any frog that hops in and asks him: "Do you have any collateral?" Kermit reaches into his frog pocket and pulls out a key chain with Miss. Piggy's picture on it. "I have this" he says in his scratchy Kermit the Frog voice. The bank teller sighs heavily, grabs the key chain and goes into the bank president's office. "Excuse me sir, but Kermit the Frog is here and he would like a loan. He brought this key chain as collateral" she says as she rolls up her eyes. The bank president glances up from his paperwork and says..... "That's a knick knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T_Dog Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, ''I'll just have the eggs Benedict.'' His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hub-cap. He asks the waiter, ''What's with the hub-cap?'' The waiter sings, ''Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!'' Okay warfie, that gets a "Make it Stop" groan rating of 9 here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warfie Posted June 6, 2009 Author Share Posted June 6, 2009 Kermit the Frog walks into a bank looking for loan and wants to talk to the Bank President.The bank teller, Miss Patty Whack, tells Kermit they can't give a loan to just any frog that hops in and asks him: "Do you have any collateral?" Kermit reaches into his frog pocket and pulls out a key chain with Miss. Piggy's picture on it. "I have this" he says in his scratchy Kermit the Frog voice. The bank teller sighs heavily, grabs the key chain and goes into the bank president's office. "Excuse me sir, but Kermit the Frog is here and he would like a loan. He brought this key chain as collateral" she says as she rolls up her eyes. The bank president glances up from his paperwork and says..... "That's a knick knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan." when I first heard this one, Kermit was the illegitimate offspring of Mick Jagger, and the punch-line was: "It's a knick knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warfie Posted June 8, 2009 Author Share Posted June 8, 2009 Well, I survived the TV party without being lynched and as I have always been one to "push my luck"... A man was found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes. A banana was shoved half-way up his butt. Police suspect a cereal killer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daffy D Posted June 8, 2009 Share Posted June 8, 2009 Donald duck on a dirty weekend calls reception & asks for condoms - receptionist says shall I put them on your bill? "Dont be thuckin thupid I'd thuffocate!". Boom! Boom! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warfie Posted June 8, 2009 Author Share Posted June 8, 2009 A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange. The doctor looks at it and says, “I haven't ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials?” The man says no. The doctor asks the man what he does all day. The man responds, “Nothing.” The doctor is really puzzled now and says, “You can't not do anything. What do you do at home all day?” The man replies, “Honestly, doc, I don't do anything. I just sit around, watch porno flicks and eat Twisties.” <---- take THAT Daffy! ----> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crossy Posted June 8, 2009 Share Posted June 8, 2009 A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange.The doctor looks at it and says, “I haven't ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials?” The man says no. The doctor asks the man what he does all day. The man responds, “Nothing.” The doctor is really puzzled now and says, “You can't not do anything. What do you do at home all day?” The man replies, “Honestly, doc, I don't do anything. I just sit around, watch porno flicks and eat Twisties.” For the Brits that would be Twisties Wotsits Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laphroaig Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Two Irishmen out visting friends in NZ. They go out for a bit of scuba diving. Paddy says to Seamus "wonder why they dive over the boat backwards?" Seamus says - " You bloody fool Paddy, if they dived forward they's end up still in the boat" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warfie Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over this weekend. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent." The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a package labeled "Viagra Extra Strength" and said, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours." The guy says, "Give me three boxes." The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy, goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. The man says, "give me a jar of Tiger Balm." The pharmacist replies, "Tiger Balm? You don't want to put Tiger Balm on that!" The man says, "No, it's for my arms - the girls didn't show up." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warfie Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 A guy walks into a doctor''s office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what''s wrong with me?!?" The doctor replies, "You''re not eating properly." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cymruambyth1 Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 "My dog's got no nose" "How does it smell?" "Awful" I'll get my coat.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cymruambyth1 Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 What do you call a bloke doing his housework at midnight with the lights off and two birds of prey on his shoulders? HAWK KESTREL MAN HOOVERS IN THE DARK Re: the 80's band. I'll find my coat again....taxi! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cymruambyth1 Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 A penguin walks into a bar and asks: "Have you seen my brother?" The barman says: "No. What's he look like?" I am running out of coats.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cymruambyth1 Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 A bloke is sat in a bar on his own. From behind him he hears "<deleted> off you <deleted>!!" Upon turning around he sees only a cigarette machine. Bemused, he returns to his forward-facing position at the bar. The peanuts on the bar say "WOW...you look so handsome today sir!" Just as he is becoming really confused by all this, the barman returns and says - "Oh yes, well, the peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warfie Posted June 12, 2009 Author Share Posted June 12, 2009 someone please... just shoot me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cymruambyth1 Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "you got any idea how to drive this thing?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cymruambyth1 Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 Two Palestinian women chatting over tea and biscuits: A - "How's your son, Jamal?" B - "Oh...he would be 19 if he was still alive. Remember the bus massacre 3 months ago? That was him, he is a martyr now" A - "I see! Well how's Shaqueel, your youngest?" B - "Oh...remember the border crossing massacre? 15 dead? That was my little Shaqueel. He would have been 14 if he was not a martyr already" A - "So, how's Ismael? Your middle son?" B - "You don't remember!? He caused the huge explosion at the mosque last week! He was only 18 and we are so proud of his matrydom." A - sigh - "I see. Don't they blow up quick nowadays" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennkate Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 86 Year old guy walks into the Pharmacy and askes if they stock Viagra "Yes we do sir" said the Pharmacist. In that case can you cut one ito 4 asked the man. Yes we can do that for you but you wont get a Full erection with 1/4 of a pill I dont want a full erection said the man, I just want it to stick out far enough so I dont Pee on my shoes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daffy D Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 Two Palestinian women chatting over tea and biscuits:A - "How's your son, Jamal?" B - "Oh...he would be 19 if he was still alive. Remember the bus massacre 3 months ago? That was him, he is a martyr now" A - "I see! Well how's Shaqueel, your youngest?" B - "Oh...remember the border crossing massacre? 15 dead? That was my little Shaqueel. He would have been 14 if he was not a martyr already" A - "So, how's Ismael? Your middle son?" B - "You don't remember!? He caused the huge explosion at the mosque last week! He was only 18 and we are so proud of his matrydom." A - sigh - "I see. Don't they blow up quick nowadays" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pete_r Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 Boy: Big white polar bear. Girl: What??? Boy: Breaks the ice, doesn't it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cymruambyth1 Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 Bill & Ben overheard talking... Bill: "Flibble-flobble-wubble-flibble" Ben: "Pi$$ed again then?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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