Between A Rock And A Hard Place

[inf]

I wonder if anybody here has been in the same situation and how did you solve it:

You're making enough money to live comfortably here in Asia but a close relative back home in Europe - a parent, a brother or sister - is getting old and weak, and needs you to take care of him/her.

Yet, if you moved back to Europe, it would be very hard for you to find a job because of your age, experience, and the general economic situation. High taxes and the high cost of living would mean a low standard of living.

So either you stay in Asia and make some money but you can't be with your relative, or you go back but with very little chance of making it.

What would you do?

[gpdjohn]

Easy, I'd move back and do what ever it took.

( and hope my family would do the same if it was me...)

[longstebe]

What about bringing them over here.

There is another thread going on about this at the moment. It may be worth checking it out.

Good luck.

[Birdman]

Would you do that after many years in Thailand, where you have everything, wife, children, house, cars, land, very good work? And you have to resign at your work and there would be no chance to work there and you can't bring your family to the home of your ageing relative because you don't have work there and the law requests a minimum monthly income for that?

[neverdie]

Easy, I'd move back and do what ever it took.

( and hope my family would do the same if it was me...)

Easier said than done (especially from the ivory tower ).

OP you should investigate your options carefully, including the suggested one of bringing the old relative to your home in Thailand, keeping in mind if you needed to hire an aid to assist you with the care it would be easier. Im not sure how you could do that regarding visa restrictions etc.

[Beardog]

Good point Neverdie. Not only that would she be able to adjust. I don't get along with my Dad now that I am In Thailand - But if he were to come out here I think he would have some very major issues. He likes Europe, but would probably consider the Thai people to be cockroaches. If we were still close I would move back & do what needed to be done. My sister looks after my mom so I am off the hook on that. It takes an easy going attitude to adjust to a foreign country.

[CWMcMurray]

In some cases it may be a weighing of oposing resposibilities and as "Birdman" laid out, if you have a life and a family here in Thailand it is not a simple matter

It is easy to say "I would go back back and do what needs to be done", but what if that meant destoying your life and the lives of your wife and childrend in Thailand. Would you quit your job leave your wife and kids to posible fend for themselves in order to move back and take care of your Mom or Dad?

In a perfect world you would not need to make that choice, but if you did... do you think it would be easy to separate your self form your family and take the risk that you may be sacrificing your children's future to take care of your parents in their final years.

It just may be that for some, the necessity of life may cause the need for very difficult decisions.

[neverdie]

Good point Neverdie. Not only that would she be able to adjust. I don't get along with my Dad now that I am In Thailand - But if he were to come out here I think he would have some very major issues. He likes Europe, but would probably consider the Thai people to be cockroaches. If we were still close I would move back & do what needed to be done. My sister looks after my mom so I am off the hook on that. It takes an easy going attitude to adjust to a foreign country.

Now that made me laugh.

It was like my poor old grandfather in his later years he use to get around the place angrily looking at asian people, assuming they were all Japaneese & he was fond of them having spent time as a POW under the loving care of the Japaneese military.

[Samuian]

What about bringing them over here.

There is another thread going on about this at the moment. It may be worth checking it out.

Good luck.

!

best and most realistic, human suggestion of solving this situation!

[phetaroi]

I think it's a very individualized situation. I was not particularly close with my parents -- they divorced when I was young and sent me off to Gram and Gramp. Although we always had "good" interactions, they knew they had paved their own way in life that didn't include me making sacrifices when they got old. I did my fair share with each of them as they aged, but the anticipation of significant sacrifice...no.

On the other hand, I know families who are so close that it would be expected and natural. I envy them in some respects.

If you are going to make a sacrifice for your parents, I think you have to decide which one it will be -- bringing them to live with you in Thailand or you moving back. Frankly, when you were a kid you were given almost no choices. Now you are in the reverse role. It is your choice since you are the one who will take responsibility. Probably sounds harsh.

[Birdman]

Not everyone, who lived 80 or so years in regulated and more or less comfortable Western circumstances and is now a fragile old person, can handle the heat and the humidity, air conditions and fans, insects, noise, Thai medical institutions, the complete strange surroundings, language barriers (many can not speak 1 word English), the foreign Asian culture and habits, lack of the own familiar culture right up to TV programs, favourite food and many other daily obstacles you and me do not notice.

It's a difficult decision, especially if that person quits everything back home, because there is nobody left over there any more who could use it.

Edited December 15, 2009 by Birdman

[Patsycat]

My sister has been beating me up emotionally for years to move back to Edinburgh and live and look after my mother, who, even though she will be 80 in February, is very independent and not at all ill.

I have stood by my guns and said no way - I have lived here for 30 years and I am only a 2 hour flight away. Maybe in a few years - but to have to start my life again just is not going to happen.

[manarak]

either way:

1- the person needs assistance in daily life:

Bring him to the LOS to live with you & your family.

If you had to work most of the time in the UK just to make it, you would't be at home very much anyway, and probably coming home everyday tired & stressed.

Plus, the amount of care you can have in Thailand is not even comparable to what is available in the UK, neither in cost neither in dedication and friendliness.

2- the person does not need any assistance:

visit more often, stay one month or two at a time.

that's how I see it.

[inf]

Thanks everybody for all the advice, much appreciated.

I still have a couple of months left before I make a decision. Actually my mom lives in Belgium, which has excellent and affordable medical care, though retirement homes would be too expensive.

Thanks also for showing me the thread about bringing relatives out to Asia. So far, I haven't considered that because I fear it would be too much for my mother. The noise, the chaotic traffic, the heat. Also, she's living in the countryside in a house with a large quiet garden now, while here it would be a dozen floors up next to what to her would feel like a busy highway with 24-hour traffic.

Edited December 15, 2009 by inf

[manarak]

aah, I wasn't aware you live in the city.

Maybe consider moving to a quiet countryside place?

[BigWheelMan]

I have told all my children, that if I ever become infirm and not able to take care of myself, than just bung me in a home somewhere.

I wouldn't expect any of my family to have to give up their careers, lifestyles and be burdened with me. Especially if they are already happy and successful in their lives.

If it came to the crunch that I had to be put into care, I would not hold any grudges or blame my family whatsoever.

Life has to continue on, especially in today's highly competitive world.

Edited December 15, 2009 by BigWheelMan

[CWMcMurray]

aah, I wasn't aware you live in the city.

Maybe consider moving to a quiet countryside place?

Even if you move out to the outskirts of BKK you can still find some decent places that will take her out of the feeling of living in the "City"

As long as you have a vehicle, it may only add about an hour or so onto the comute (depending upon where you are working)

[Neeranam]

Family come first.

[Birdman]

which family? The one in Thailand you can't take with you or the one at the home country you can't take to Thailand?

[mmushr00m]

Facing the situation as well. Wife and I have decided to move back home. Mom have sacrificed too much for me to just look the other way .

So the plan is we go, I work my ass off, wife upgrades her edu and farang work experience then back to LOS (I hope)

[Huey]

Thats a tough call. I would still try and bring her out here. At least she has you with her, and you don't grow to resent moving back somewhere you don't want to be. because even if you try to hide it, she will feel the resentment, and loving you as I'm sure she dose, will feel guilty for taking you away from the life you enjoy and will start to be depressed herself for having to put you in that situation.

Far better to let her get acclimated to the city, together with her son than to let her watch you slowly die inside being away from your comfort zone.

[learningcurve]

I have recently had to make this decision. With both my parents now in their early 80's and sucumming to age etc, I had to look at the best possible options for 'me' to care for them. I had been residing in Thailand since 2001, married with 2 young children, own small business (not bar business), own house, car, settled and enjoying life in Thailand. We looked at relocating my parents to Thailand but due to my Dads medical problems and the fact that my Mom does not like hot weather, this option soon got booted. We looked at a Care or Nursing Home, but the costs were behond my financial status. The only option remaining was to close my business in Thailand, sell my house and car, and start the process of applying for my wife's visa, writing to the Education Authority to get my kids registered at school etc. Several months after making the decision to return to the UK, my wife, our kids and I found ourselves leaving Thailand and starting a new adventure living with my folks. We have been back in the UK for 3 weeks now, and I have found it not so bad as I thought it would be, although it is early days of course. The main point for me was, if something was to have happened to either parent that could have been avoided or managed better if I had been there, especially if this something had led to an early death, then I would have felt guilty about not being there for the remainder of my life. Of course every one is different with different experiences and at the end of the day only you can make that decision. Good luck.

[BigWheelMan]

I have recently had to make this decision. With both my parents now in their early 80's and sucumming to age etc, I had to look at the best possible options for 'me' to care for them. I had been residing in Thailand since 2001, married with 2 young children, own small business (not bar business), own house, car, settled and enjoying life in Thailand. We looked at relocating my parents to Thailand but due to my Dads medical problems and the fact that my Mom does not like hot weather, this option soon got booted. We looked at a Care or Nursing Home, but the costs were behond my financial status. The only option remaining was to close my business in Thailand, sell my house and car, and start the process of applying for my wife's visa, writing to the Education Authority to get my kids registered at school etc. Several months after making the decision to return to the UK, my wife, our kids and I found ourselves leaving Thailand and starting a new adventure living with my folks. We have been back in the UK for 3 weeks now, and I have found it not so bad as I thought it would be, although it is early days of course. The main point for me was, if something was to have happened to either parent that could have been avoided or managed better if I had been there, especially if this something had led to an early death, then I would have felt guilty about not being there for the remainder of my life. Of course every one is different with different experiences and at the end of the day only you can make that decision. Good luck.

This is very sad news indeed.

I am in a similar situation to you, except that I am retired and not working.

Both my parents in the UK were in their 80s and sadly my father died a few weeks ago.

But I have already sold up in the UK and have most of my investments here in Thailand. I also had to make that decision and decided not to give up Thailand for the sake of myself and family here.

Now my brother considers me as the scum of the Earth, but at the end of the day, no one else is going to pay my bills, house me or feed my family.

As you rightly say, the decision has to be up to each individual and it`s a choice that no one can make for you.

It really is being caught between a rock and a hard place plus an agony of conscience, but you can only do what you consider is right.

Wishing you and your family all success with whatever option you choose to take.

Edited December 17, 2009 by BigWheelMan

[RakJungTorlae]

Thats a tough call. I would still try and bring her out here. At least she has you with her, and you don't grow to resent moving back somewhere you don't want to be. because even if you try to hide it, she will feel the resentment, and loving you as I'm sure she dose, will feel guilty for taking you away from the life you enjoy and will start to be depressed herself for having to put you in that situation.

Far better to let her get acclimated to the city, together with her son than to let her watch you slowly die inside being away from your comfort zone.

Disagree, if people cannot make the sacrifice to leave there comfort zone to visit a family member who's very sick or in there last moments in their old age is a coward in my book. I am a cold SOB but if my parents where dyeing and I wasn't around I would never forgive myself. It is an idea to bringing them here. But I just feel sorry for Thailand to deal with all these farang corpses. But if it can work then it works.

Edit: just making the judgment on people who have been brought up on good caring and loving parents. There are some real A-holes out there that wouldn’t bother me one bit if they disappeared.

Edited December 17, 2009 by RakJungTorlae

[Boo]

There are far too many factors to include in this decision. The state of the person needing care, the relationship with that person, the personality type of the person looking to give it being the main issues imo. Commitments in Thailand & young kids, business etc for me are a minor point personally. If my mother needed me to be there, I would be there even if it meant uprooting to do so. If I had a different mother who hadn't sacrificed alot to raise us & has always supported us no matter what or if I had been raised a different way then I may not be so willing to sacrifice myself. But she did & I was so therefore if she needed me I would go no matter what.

Whether she would expect me to is another matter......

[Huey]

Thats a tough call. I would still try and bring her out here. At least she has you with her, and you don't grow to resent moving back somewhere you don't want to be. because even if you try to hide it, she will feel the resentment, and loving you as I'm sure she dose, will feel guilty for taking you away from the life you enjoy and will start to be depressed herself for having to put you in that situation.

Far better to let her get acclimated to the city, together with her son than to let her watch you slowly die inside being away from your comfort zone.

Disagree, if people cannot make the sacrifice to leave there comfort zone to visit a family member who's very sick or in there last moments in their old age is a coward in my book. I am a cold SOB but if my parents where dyeing and I wasn't around I would never forgive myself. It is an idea to bringing them here. But I just feel sorry for Thailand to deal with all these farang corpses. But if it can work then it works.

Edit: just making the judgment on people who have been brought up on good caring and loving parents. There are some real A-holes out there that wouldn't bother me one bit if they disappeared.

Whoa whoa, He wasn't talking about visiting. No he was talking about MOVING on a permanent basis. To visit your folks, Sure Thing! But when it comes time to care for them then you bring them into your life, is all I'm saying.