Guys Rules

[sbk]

Got this one from my dad, added in the women's rebuttal -- good for a giggle.

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Womens answer: I don't care if you leave it up, just make sure you put it up before you use it! Nothing is more disgusting than a guy who pees on the seat.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

Womens' answer: yes, but do you have to talk about it constantly?

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.

And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

Womens answer: who said it is a sport? Shopping is serious business!

1. Crying is blackmail.

Womens answer: Refusing to deal with you feelings is a pain in the bum.

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on! this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

Womens answer: LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Womens answer: LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY, don't just give any old answer!

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.

That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

Womens answer: Have consideration for others feelings!

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.

See a doctor.

Womens answer: Foreplay is not 5 minutes long

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

Womens answer: think before you speak, don't say something you will regret later.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Womens answer: don't expect us to dress like Victorias secret girls when you look like a fat slob.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

Don't ask us.

Womens answer: try saying something nice and positive instead of being critical.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Womens answer: once again, think before you speak!

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.

Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Womens answer: Read the instructions!

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Womens answer: get a life, some things are more important than TV

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

Womens answer: Christopher Columbus also thought he was near Indonesia. Admit you are lost!

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

We have no idea what mauve is.

Womens answer: fair enough, your lack of ability to color-co-ordinate is clear enough.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

We do that.

Womens answer: try to be a little more subtle about it.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"

we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

Womens answer: if you have to ask whats wrong its because you haven't been listening!

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,

expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Womens answer: We are so used to not being listened to its always just a shock when you do.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

As is clear by your holey shirts and stinky socks.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are

prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,

or monster trucks.

Womens answer: fair enough, usually you aren't thinking too much anyway.

1. You have enough clothes.

Womens answer: says the man who owns 25 different kinds of screwdrivers.

1. You have too many shoes.

Womens answer: ditto to the golf clubs/fishing rods/ etc etc

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Womens answer: and an unattractive one at that.

[Zendesigner]

great Thoughts, The stupid answers seem to kill it though

[Nat]

very funny sbk

[Zendesigner]

here's another one:

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children.A woman knows all about her children. She knows about Dentist appointments and romances,best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.

And 4.......

.

.

.

.

It is most important that these three women never ever meet.

[sbk]

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Aint that the truth

[Bluecat]

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Aint that the truth

A woman will start a row then ask you to apologise,...

[dr_Pat_Pong]

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Aint that the truth

I loved both questions and answers sbk. Thanks

[p1p]

Methinks the old man said it all:

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. "

- Socrates

[Bluecat]

Methinks the old man said it all:

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. "

- Socrates

Only women should get married. Oscar Wilde.

[impy_la_blimpy]

When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was 'Always'!

[impy_la_blimpy]

Girlz . . . .Great Advice to Pass on to Your Mates . . . .hee hee!!

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers!

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door!

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there!

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal...

[Sandy]

LADIES...SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT "BEFORE" HAVING KIDS W/ YOUR MATE... and you thought MEN were bad

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching your kids to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will

choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"