anon21

I use these 2 products.

Anything with DEET works.

The Sketolene is 20%.

The other in the blue and white bottle is 25%.

Sketolene has a spray applicator (handy if you are somewhere that has no wash facilities, and you don't want the stuff all over your hands).

The other is a little stronger concentration, and has a much more pleasant scent- rather like a men's cologne. Also not so greasy feeling on the skin.

Both are considerably less expensive than Off, and other foreign brands, and work great.

Hi mcgriffith

Could you clarify what the blue and white bottle on the right is called please. What do I ask for when I go into the shop?

Thank you

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Patient: Oh Doc. I feel like a bridge.

Psychiatrist: What's come over you?

Patient: Three cars, two buses and a lorry!

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

A: Nothing. It just let out a little wine.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Q What were the last words spoken at the Last Supper?

A "Everyone who wants to be in the picture should get on that side of the table!"

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"

The clerk tells him, "No, sorry mate. We don't have a market for it so we don't carry it."

The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.

The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"

Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?"

The clerk says, "Look, you stupid duck. I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed; we've never had duck feed; and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor."

The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"

"No."

"Got any duck feed?"

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

The Poetry competition

It's the Grand Finale and only two competitors are left. The referee opens the OED at random and puts his finger on ... Timbuctoo. Both competitors have 3 minutes to write a short poem, which contains the word "Timbuctoo".

First forward is a young grad, fresh out of Harvard, with clean cut good looks and a razor sharp brain:

Slowly over the desert sand,

Wandered a lonely caravan.

Men on camels, two by two,

Destination: Timbuctoo.

Crowd give him a standing ovation. Brilliant. 90% on the old clapometer.

Next forward is Ely, a redneck from the Carolinas, who looks a bit like BENNY HILL, playing Fred Scuttle. A hushed silence. How can he compete with a Harvard Grad?

Me and Tim a-hunting went,

Met three girls in a pop-up tent.

They was three, and we was two,

So I buck'd one, and Tim buck'd two.

[95% on the clapometer.]

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Strewth! There's no mate like an Aussie mate, mate!

As reported in The Northern Territory News:

Shop worker Lee Collinson has redefined the meaning of Aussie mateship - by risking arrest to ferry condoms to a friend in need.

Asked by police why he was driving unlicensed, he said: "My cousin was about to (have sex with) this girl and he needed his bum bag because it had his condoms in it."

Darwin magistrate David Loadman said: "Carrying condoms to a mate who is in desperate need must be something much better than the good Samaritan ever did. I cannot imagine the scene. This woman, about to embrace passionately, is waiting for the condom arrival. Bizarre in the extreme."

He told Collinson: "When the Poms ask Australians to define mateship, your circumstances could serve as a very good example."

Mr Loadman convicted him for driving unlicensed in October and fined him $100.

Collinson, 24, of Millner, Darwin, said outside the court: "I don't regret my actions and I would do it again. My cousin - 'baby brother John' - is like a brother to me. And at least he was practising safe sex. He was being responsible. He got the condoms and I think he had a good night."

Collinson was rewarded for his act of mateship. He met his girlfriend that night. She was among a group of friends sent by his cousin to pick him up from the police station after being booked.

"We've been together ever since," he said.

Northern Territory News

BTW In the UK, Mates is the brand name of condoms ( thanks to Sir Richard Branson of Virgin)

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

If only the gentle thread of English humour ran through all our tax inspectors:

Funny Money

Chris Addison

Saturday September 27, 2003

[letter to The Guardian]

There follows the text of a letter which I received last Wednesday, second post:

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more-than-prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.

I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue, have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer, I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and puissant gas-mongers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised.

In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lack wit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores", whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system".

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please forward it by Friday.

Yours sincerely,

H J Lee

Customer Relations.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Etiquette for chapesses - if you are thinking of bringing the missus over too

Don't attempt to clap in time to the music and do not make whooping noises no matter how good a time you are having.

Never dance alone or with another woman to a slow song; if nobody asked you to dance then make a dignified exit.

If a man wants to dance idiotically in front of you, let him. Hell be happy and youll look all the more graceful by contrast.

If you think its time to get sexy to a Tom Jones number, sit down and drink a nice cold glass of water.

Be sure to tell a close friend that she has lost weight and looks younger than ever.You will be lying and she knows this, but will say the same back to you.

If you are not close friends then offer your cheek and let her kiss you. Do not waste your lipstick kissing women.

If greeting a neighbour with whom you have rivalry, give her three kisses (right, left, right).This shows that you have travelled recently in Continental Europe.

Handshakes are only for men or for the kind of women who might as well be.

When in the sauna or steam room, keep your knees together, your feet on the ground, your eyes on the floor and your hands clasped in your lap at all times.

When you are changing in a gym, always use your locker door as a changing screen to hide behind.

Never parade. If you have a fantastic body, other women will resent you for showing them up. If you are flabby, they will resent you for reminding them of what they have become.

Any conversation while naked must be restricted to beauty products and the facilities at the gym. Dont get personal.

Only bold Continental women take their knickers off for a massage. Spare a thought for the masseuse and keep them on.

When out shopping with a friend and she picks out a canary yellow dress because it's so this season, tell her she looks fabulous in it. There is absolutely no point in telling her the truth.

If the child's parents have boring hippy rules about junk food and sugar, dont give the kid a bar of chocolate unless youre absolutely certain nobody can see you.

If a friend's child has any questions about the birds and the bees while you're in sole charge, pretend to be busy.

You should never try and be cool in front of children by talking about Eminem or playing Xbox with them. They will just think you are weird.

When you want everybody to hear your rendition of American Pie, its time to go home.

When his mother's not looking, flirt with the father. It's a fail-safe.

The only physical affection you may show your partner in front of his parents is a bit of handholding. Any more than that and you'll be dismissed as a shameless hussy.

When it comes to his upbringing, they didn't put a foot wrong.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Etiquette for chaps - if you are thinking of visiting the UK then here are a few tips

Handshaking is never wrong. It should be firm, but brief, and offered without delay.

However, squeezing or putting your left hand on top is just creepy.

Any complex "ghetto style" manoeuvre is to be avoided ... even if you're black ... and especially if he's black and you're not.

You've been through a lot together, turning around that two-goal deficit, and really gelling as a team etc, but it's still not acceptable "to let it all hang out" gunslinger style in the changing room afterwards.

Whilst we English are fast catching up with authentic Finnish practices, discarding your towel and birching total strangers in the sauna is likely to raise eyebrows in even the most broadminded leisure centre.

When on public transport, you should only sit next to a stranger on a double seat when all unoccupied seats have been taken.

Animals on public transport expect to be kicked.

Frottage: it's not just for the ladies. If it happens 3 times it is No Coincidence and you are free to defend yourself as you see fit.

Arrive early at a friend's gig, play, experimental dance workshop. He will then know that you've made the effort to drag yourself away from the telly.

Afterwards, never tell the truth even if specifically requested. Don't worry, he will be high on adrenalin and will believe anything you say.

Don't praise others in the cast/group even if your friend was only Third Spear Carrier/the bassist.

Funny dancing isn't funny.

Always stick to music from your era.

Assuming the classic three/four berth set-up: first man to enter the urinal should take the one furtherest from the door; second man in takes the one nearest to the door; third man in should use a cubicle.

Only approach the inner urinal(s) when all cubicles are full.

Whilst at the urinal, keep your eyes up at all times. This does not apply when your neighbour is a celebrity. On such occasions a surrepticious glance is fine.

If the lift stops don't be lulled into a false sense of intimacy. Lifts can now be repaired in minutes; regret can last a lifetime.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

The Hamster Joke

A man takes his sick hamster, Cyril, to the vet. The vet says, "Sorry, old chap, but I can't do anything for him. I'll have to put him down."

The man takes the news very badly and begins to sob. He'd loved Cyril very much.

The vet takes pity on him and says, "Seems a shame just to bury him. You could turn him into jam instead, you know."

"Into jam?! My Cyril?"

"Yes. Everyone's doing it these days. Didn't you read about Madonna last week. That's what she did when her son's pet hamster died. It's all the rage with celebrities in London you know. Here's the recipe that was printed in The Times. Just boil him up with a pound of sugar."

The chap finds this a bit odd, but, being a Madonna fan, decides to give it a try. He makes the jam and tastes it, but it is so bad that he throws it out of the window and into the garden. The following morning he can’t believe his eyes when he sees a bed of roses in full bloom, growing in the spot where he’d thrown the jam. He phones the vet to tell him what has happened.

"Yes. You're right. It is strange. Usually you get (as he breaks into song) ... tulips from hamster jam."

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Q: What did the policeman say to his belly button?

A: You're under a vest.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Ok guys thanks again. You are all top blokes

I agree, it does sound more daunting than it probably is.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Bruce comes in to the room and says to his wife, Sheila, "I'm going out for a beer. Get your coat on."

The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity, replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"

Bruce replies, "No. I'm turning the heater off."

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

A woman is worried about her darling husband. He has been working late each night and comes home stressed. This has had an effect on the more intimate side of their marriage. Being a bloke and of course English he can't talk about these things.

One afternoon she decides to get some professional advice, so she goes into a Chemist's and asks the pharmacist about Viagra.

"Does it really work?" she asks.

"Yes, it does," responds the pharmacist. "I've tried it myself."

"Can you get it over-the-counter?"

He blushes: "Well, if I take two, I can."

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Blimey! Tracey's been invited to a dinner party. Time for another "blonde moment"!

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.

'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.'

'I don't know about that,' answered Tracey 'I have kept my age a secret since I was eighteen.'

'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted.

'I hardly think so!' responded Tracey with a frown. 'If a woman can keep a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

The "Golden Rule" of advocacy is that you should never ask your client a question in open court that you don't already know the answer to!

Defense Lawyer: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Lawyer: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened on the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:Well, there I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Lawyer: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Lawyer: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Lawyer: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Lawyer: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Lawyer: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Lawyer: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Lawyer: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Lawyer: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only his underpants. He knocks on the front door, which is opened by the host.

Host says "I have to announce every guest as they arrive, what are you then?"

Guest replies "I am a premature ejaculation."

Host says "I can't announce that to the other guests!"

Guest says, "Well just tell them I've come in my pants!"

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Hey guys thanks again for all the info.

So how do I get switched on with government electric?

Will it be the same day?

Do I pay by cheque? I am a bit reluctant to set up a direct debit for just 8 or 9 weeks.

Also, how easy is it to end the electricity contract? What do I have to do?

What about the water? Does the landlord do that or do I have to contact the water company?

I will probably need 9 weeks. Is there a problem with the 9th week or is it better to rent in whole month/4 week blocks?

Your advice is much appreciated.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Hi guys.

Great advice, comments and info from BangrakBob, Topicalevo, davo67, notmyself, insertmembernamehere, samuijimmy and marstons (hope I haven't forgotten anyone)

I'm flying on Sunday and will be in an hotel to start with. I shall probably stay on the island for the three months. I understand that Sumui is the 4th most expensive place to live in Thailand. Like most people, I am not rich, so staying for a period will give me an idea of day to day running costs, and so will help me plan for the future.

If all goes well, I shall return to Thailand next year for a longer period. I can then do the usual tourist visits around Bangkok and then go up to Chiang Mai, Pye and Chiang Rai for a nose around, as you suggest, before heading back to Samui.

I have decided not to get the Hep B jabs. Thanks for your advice marstons, but I am not intending to be sexually active - but I'm glad to see that you are being careful with your health and are taking all the necessary precautions.

I agree with you guys so I won't be having the rabies jabs.

Further to the samuijimmy's comment about Dengue Fever in Thailand here is a recent article. I don't know how far Phi Phi is from Samui. Maybe infected mozzies don't like Aussies

Click HERE

Also I notice there's an earlier thread on this Samui site asking advice on the best Samui hospital to visit to check on Dengue Fever. It seems he did have it too. The tread is called "Best Hospital To Check For Dengue Fever?" if you want to do a search for it on this site.

One further question please: about electricity. If I rent for three months does the price include electricity or does the landlord come and check the meter periodically and then charge me or do I have to register with the electricity company? If the latter, is it easy to come off their computer records?

Here in the UK I registered to pay by direct debit years and years ago so it's not something I think about a great deal, other than being careful, because it is very expensive.

Thanks again for your help. Much appreciated.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: None, because Californians screw in hot tubs.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Q: Why did the scientist put a knocker on his door?

A: He wanted to win the no bell prize!

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Why the British like to go to Austria, but the locals aren't amused. Apologies to the ladies as the 'F' word appears a lot.

Click HERE

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

If you thought that all Aussie girls are Wild Colonial Girls or rough and ready Sheilas, who can drink us blokes under the table, then think again dear friends.

In the following video, Princess Mary of Denmark, who was in fact born in Sydney, and so is really an Aussie Girl at heart, knows how to act with all due decorum

To view, click HERE

Greetings from over the Silver Sea