anon21

Like me, you may have been shocked to read in the newspapers back on June that there had been a big earthquake in Melbourne. There were no reports of injuries, so no doubt our Aussie mates are still happily spreading Vegemite on their crocodile sandwiches and downing a few cold beers as usual.

They may even be able to tell us whether it was an Oscillatory or a Trepidatory earthquake or perhaps even a combination of both.

If you are unsure of the difference then click HERE for the official explanation. I have to say that as a non scientist I found this rather dry; hardly memorable.

Anyway, yesterday, I just happened to bump into your favourite blonde Tracey (hooray! I hear you cry). When I told her that I was having trouble visualising the difference was between oscillatory and trepidatory, Tracey said that she could help. She and two of her friends have got together to provide you with an easy to remember visual explanation:

Click HERE

No prizes for guessing which one is Tracey.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Men ARE from Mars (especially in the USA)

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an actual class assignment.

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.

As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.

There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail.

The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:

Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY:

first paragraph by Rebecca:

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

second paragraph by Gary:

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

Rebecca:

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Gary:

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty, the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

Rebecca:

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

Gary:

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F******G TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

Rebecca:

As*h@le

Gary:

B*tch.

Rebecca:

F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

Gary:

In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.

Teacher:

A+ - I really liked this one.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

I live in the UK. I was in Ko Samui in January for 3 weeks and had a great time.

I am returning to Samui in a couple of weeks and this time I shall be in Thailand for 3 months. If things go well, I may return a third time and stay long term, perhaps based in Samui.

Initially, for my upcoming trip I had planned to spend time in Bangkok and then go up to Chiang Mai for a time before spending the last couple of weeks in Samui again.

I am however moving to the idea of spending the whole 3 months in Koh Samui, with perhaps one or two short trips away. I like Samui and it would give me an idea of whether I can 'hack' it in one place for a fairly long period; of the day to day costs; and get to know Samui during its less glamorous period that is the rainy season.

Initially, I shall be in an hotel, but then want to rent a room somewhere for say 10 weeks in the Lamai beach area. Please could you advise:

1 What sort of price could I expect to pay for a room - nothing fancy, so long as it has a clean bed with a decent hot shower (not necessarily one that blows your balls off) during say mid September through to mid November?

2 Presumably the best thing to do is to walk around the streets and look at any advertising boards outside in the street? Can anyone recommend a good area to look please?

I have had jabs for tetanus, typhoid, polio and hepatitis A (on the good old NHS). The NHS nurse today suggested I go to a travel clinic (which is not NHS) to ask about hepatitis B and rabies jabs. I went there as suggested.

I had a very brief word with a nurse there who said that hepatitis B requires 3 jabs. I fly on 19th August and so will only get 2 of the 3 jabs and so will be 60% protected. The two jabs plus the rabies jabs would cost me 200 GBPs. I decided not to go have the jabs.

3 Have you guys who live long term on Samui had hepatitis B jabs? The NHS nurse's concern for me was that if I was injured in a car accident and so needed medical treatment, I might be treated with unsafe needles.

I would add that although I shall be on Samui for 3 months I do not intend to rent a car or motorcycle or even a bike. I just feel that the roads seem too dangerous and so by not driving/ riding, I am less likely to be involved in an accident. I know that passengers in buses have been killed and injured too, but I feel that it is a risk worth taking.

3 I have read one or two threads on this site about dogs and rabies. When I was on Samui in January, I did not feel in any danger. Of course, it only takes one mad dog but again. I am willing to take the risk this time round. What do you guys think please?

If things go well this time round and I decide to move to Samui for a much longer period in the future I may well stump up the 200 GBPs for the full round of hepatitis B and rabies jabs at that stage.

4 I intend to get some DEET mosquito repellant. What about a mosquito net for the bed? How much do these cost or should buy one in the UK and bring it over? Alternatively, is one supplied with the room?

Thanks for your help.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

An 80-year old Aussie goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition mate?"

I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

"Well,sport," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

"Who said my dad's dead, mate?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive. He's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Tracey is on the M11 heading for a day out in London when she was flagged down by a man whose van had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to London?"

"Sure," answered Tracey, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my van. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to London Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you 100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said Tracey with a bright smile. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of her car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the van driver was driving through the heart of London and was getting close to Regent's Park (home to the Zoo) when suddenly he was horrified!! There was Tracey walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to Tracey. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you 100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said Tracey with another bright smile, "but we had money left over, so now we're heading for Oxford Street to do some shopping."

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

The Psychotherapist

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him and put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had noticed in particular that the ladies were shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out for himself.

Then he understood why!

The boy had used only a small wooden board for his sign:

Psycho-

the-

rapist.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

A GUIDE TO SAFE FAX IN THE UK

{snip}

In the same gist as the word "fax" is meant here, I was told this true story by a South American diplomat who had just arrived in Thailand. At the time, many small offices (and this included this embassy) had had combined phone/fax machines. When it rang, the operator or secretary would pick it up, the caller would say "fax fax", and the operator/secretary would hit the green button to initiate the fax receipt.

It was lunch break and the diplomat was alone in the office when the phone/fax rang. He heard "fax fax" with a Thai accent (which sounded like the f-word) and he said "f... you too!" and hung up!

By the time he told me this, he had understood his mistake and we had a good laugh.

Ha ha. Thanks for that story, tombkk. made me laugh

Asian Bird Flu Crisis

"People in Britain should not panic, everything is in hand". That was the message from the government, reacting to concerns about Bird Flu.

"Although Bird Flu can be deadly" commented a government spokesman, "it is nowhere near as deadly as Bloke Flu".

It is a well known fact that men in this country have had to put up with Bloke Flu for generations. Symptoms have generally included an inability to get out of bed or off the sofa, and a need to have their Playstation controller handed to them with a cup of tea and a Pot Noodle.

The far less serious Bird Flu has been known to almost kill women, leaving them just capable of doing the washing, ironing, cleaning and searching for their boyfriends' mobile phones.

Nevertheless, many men are still highly concerned. "Big Dave" from Romford, Essex, is one of a host of men terrified at the prospect of Bird Flu reaching Britain.

"If me bird ain't able to get to Thresher's to pick up me cider, I don't know what I'll do".

Mad Gazz and his mates from South London also expressed concern.

"If our birds get confined to bed, we're doomed, we need their money to go down the pub. If they can't work, we might have to!!"

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.

When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?"

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!"

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby — so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad, it's called the twist!"

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

A GUIDE TO SAFE FAX IN THE UK

Q Do I have to be married to have safe fax?

A Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete every day.

Q My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they have fax?

A Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedures.

Q If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?

A Certainly not, as far as I can see.

Q There is a place at a hotel nearby where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?

A Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a 'professional' when their need to fax becomes too great.

Q Should you always use a cover when you fax?

A Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should be used to ensure safe fax.

Q What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I fax prematurely?

A Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start again. Most people won't mind if you try again.

Q I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?

A Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won't have to worry that you have faxed the wrong person.

NOTE: If you feel that you have had unsafe fax, you should immediately contact a qualified fax therapist.

"Well Ely, that's a mighty special looking pig! But how come he's got three wooden legs?"

"A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"

"And the boar tore his legs off?"

"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"

"So that's when he hurt his legs, huh, Ely?"

"No. He was a bit winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dived into the pond and had dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."

"And that's when he hurt his legs?"

"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, an' all."

"OK, Ely. Surprise me. How did he get those wooden legs?"

"Well, with a pig like that, and after all he's done for me, eating him all at once just wouldn't be right, now would it?"

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Click HERE

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Q: How do you make a hormone?

A: Don't pay her!

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

How would would Nelson have fared under modern Health and Safety regulations?

Well close your eyes. "... And let us, cyphers to this great accompt, on your imaginary forces work ..."

You are now standing on the deck of Nelson's Flagship. It was once called HMS Victory, but it is now known as HMS Win-Win Situation

Rear Admiral Nelson is nervously pacing up and down. Alongside him is his faithful friend, Captain Hardy.

Order the signal, Hardy.

Aye, aye, sir.

Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the Signals Officer. What's the meaning of this?

Sorry, sir?

England expects every person to do her/his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What poppycock is this?

Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an Equal Opportunities employer now. In fact, we had the Devil's own job getting "England" past the censors, lest it be considered racist.

Gadzooks, Hardy. Where's my pipe and tobacco?

Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.

In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.

Sorry, sir, the rum ration's been abolished. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.

Good heavens, Hardy. Well, let's get on with it. Full speed ahead.

Ehm, I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit on this stretch of water.

Dammit, man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. England's in mortal danger. If we don't do something now our wives and daughters back home will be smelling of garlic by Christmas. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please.

That won't be possible, sir.

What's that?

Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they say that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding has been erected.

Then get me the Ship's Carpenter without delay, Hardy.

He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral.

Wheelchair access? I've never heard such balderdash.

Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.

Differently abled? Dammit, man. I've only got one arm and one eye. I didn't get to the rank of Admiral by playing the Disability Card.

But you did, sir, you did. The Royal Navy's not been meeting the government's five year targets in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.

Well, give me a full sail. The salt spray beckons.

Er, sorry, sir, but Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt either. Haven't you seen those posters all over the ship?

Ship ahoy! Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.

Ehm! ... the men are a bit worried about shooting anyone, sir.

This is mutiny, Hardy.

It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a team of lawyers on board from the Paris and Madrid branches of Sue, Grabbit and Run. They're watching everyone like hawks.

Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?

Actually, sir, we won't be.

We won't?

No, sir. The French and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.

God's Blood, man! But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the Devil.

I wouldn't let the ship's Diversity Co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary.

Zounds! But you must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of our King.

Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put your life jacket on. Rules is rules.

Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it in for me! Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash? Ah! Those were the days. When men were men ... and the ship's cat looked very nervous.

As I've said already, sir, rum's off, and there's a ban on corporal punishment.

What about sodomy?

I believe it's to be encouraged sir.

In that case, kiss me Hardy!

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

From the Churchdown (in Gloucestershire) Parish Magazine:

''Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only."

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

An 85-year-old Aussie went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home, sport, and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. You know what you will have to do to get the specimen don't you."

The man smiled and nodded.

The next day the 85-year-old Aussie reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife, Sheila, for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yes mate. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

A strange thing happened during a performance of Elgar's Sea Pictures at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight. The man playing the triangle disappeared.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Americans in Lurve

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in The Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 555-6420 and ask for Susie, I'll be waiting...

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.

(Men are so easy).

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Love this site.

Found a group photo of my class with me in the middle.

Funny thing.......My looks have not changed in 40 years.

Thanks kevjohn. I am pleased that you are one of the 98%, who have found their photos on this site.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

The Man Who Orders Three Pints

A stranger moves to a tiny hamlet in County Kerry. He walks into the pub on his own and promptly orders three pints of Guinness. The barman raises an eyebrow, but serves the man the three pints, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

When the man has finished the three pints, he gets up, waves goodnight to the barman, and leaves the pub.

The next evening, the man comes in again and orders his three pints of Guinness. Again, he takes them to a table, sits down, and drinks them on his own. Then, he gets up, waves goodnight to the barman and leaves the pub.

This happens night after night. Soon, everyone in the hamlet is whispering about The Man Who Orders Three Pints.

Finally, the barman broaches the subject on behalf of the hamlet. "I don't mean to pry, but folks round here are wondering why you always order three pints at once?"

"It is odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers. One went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two pints whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The barman and the whole town were pleased with this answer. Soon, The Man Who Orders Three Pints had became a local celebrity and a source of pride to the hamlet; out-of-towners would come in just to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two pints. The barman pours them with a heavy heart.

The same thing happens the next night, and the one after.

The word spreads swiftly. Prayers are offered up for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the barman says to the man, "Folks round here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know, the two pints and all..."

The man is silent for a few moments, and then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

If you still doubt how small the world has become then here's an opportunity to find your old school photograph on the world wide web! It's amazing how much effort they've put in to collecting photographs from all over the world.

World School Photographs have one of the largest databases on the World Wide Web. Have you lost your old school photographs? Good news we should have them in our database!! World School Photographs would like to say Thanks to all Countries involved for all their help. Without it this site would not be possible. This company started in Ireland 1994 with 7 staff, Today World School Photographs have over 8,000 staff in 14 different Countries. Our Web Site has a 98% success rate. And is now one of the fastest growing sites on the World Wide Web.

If you want to join in the fun, just click HERE

and follow the instructions. It's as simple as ABC.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

keep 'em coming mate...very funny..thx

I shall try, but making no promises though.

Re the Beer Compass, once heard it referred to as The Bacchus Scooter

Well so long as it got you home safely overherebc that's the main thing.

Anyway you may enjoy this article I found. Explains a lot about the British way of thinking

No Wonder Britannia Ruled the Waves

"I name this ship ..."

Research, even into the most mundane subject, can sometimes bring unexpected rewards. Recently, for reasons too dull to explain, I was attempting to discover the names of battleships which served with the Royal Navy during the Second World War. The reference librarian hopefully provided me with a huge volume which listed the names of every British warship ever built, and as I leafed through the index, I was impressed by the quality of the names that the British have given their warships.

HMS Relentless, HMS Repulse, HMS Resolution; fine names, names to gladden the heart of every true Brit and dismay any foreigners with a grasp of English. Names redolent of courage and firm-jawed determination - HMS Sceptre, HMS Scimitar, HMS Seadog, HMS Spanker -

HMS Spanker? It had to be a misprint, but when I looked at the relative page there it was, HMS Spanker, minesweeper. I turned back to the index and soon discovered that HMS Spanker was not the only warship to bear a silly name. A quick check unearthed the destroyers HMS Fairy and HMS Frolic, the light cruiser, HMS Sappho and the corvette, HMS Pansy.

My first assumption was that these names had been chosen by some fresh faced innocent unaware of their connotations, but a careful reading of the index suggested that the choice of such names was deliberate and malicious. I have no proof for my theory, but I strongly suspect that they were the creations of an embittered clerk.

He was a minor bureaucrat who had once dreamed of becoming a naval hero, a second Nelson or Benbow, but had been turned down for active service on the grounds of flat feet and myopia. The Sea Lords, kindly and foolishly, gave him an office job in the Admiralty. There, as he brooded upon the shattering of his ambitions, his envy of the jolly Jack Tars serving in His Majesty's ships turned to hatred and then into a desire to humiliate those who lived a life on the ocean wave. His big break came when he got a job in the Ship's Names Department and he set to work with a will.

Having started with HMS Pansy, HMS Fairy and HMS Spanker, he moved into sexually suggestive names - HMS Teaser, HMS Tickler, HMS Torrid, HMS Thruster and HMS Thrasher. Not content with the damage to morale that these names must have caused to morale that these names must have caused he followed up with HMS Inconstant, HMS Insolent, HMS Truant, HMS Dwarf and HMS Doris.

The man must have been twisted, but he was no mean amateur psychologist. Would an hard pressed admiral be cheered by the news that HMS Doris and HMS Dwarf (a cruiser and gunboat combination that sounds like an avant-garde cabaret act) were steaming to his aid ? Could he be certain that HMS Truant would turn up? That HMS Inconstant wouldn't change sides, or that HMS Insolent wouldn't reply to his signals with a stream of abuse?

This evil minded functionary worked hard to destroy fighting spirit, carefully calculating the result of call a ship HMS Hazard. The cry, "Hazard to port !" must have disrupted countless naval exercises and I strongly suspect that he tried to name a destroyer HMS Mutiny, thinking of the chaos that would result from the signal "Mutiny in Portsmouth". Someone spotted this and changed his proposed name from the English Mutiny to the French Mutin蛯i], hoping that the ship would stir up trouble on courtesy visits to French ports.

If my theory is correct, that someone was Clerk No.2 he worked in the same office as Clerk No.1, but his history and beliefs were very different. He had been invalided out of the Navy after a distinguished career and was a ferocious xenophobe who believed that the British had the right to intimidate and bully anyone who stood in their way. his existence is demonstrated by further study of the list of names.

Most people would consider names like HMS Conqueror, HMS Terror and HMS Vengeance adequate for the purpose of frightening Britain's enemies. Not Clerk No.2 he though them namby-pamby and decided to rectify the situation. He wasn't as prolific as Clerk No.1, but he did his best christening such vessels as HMS Arrogant, HMS Imperialist, HMS Savage, HMS Spiteful, HMS Surly and HMS Tyrant. His finest hour came when he got the job of thinking up names beginning with V, he came up with HMS Vandal, HMS Venomous, HMS Vindictive and HMS Violent. He was a good psychologist too - nobody who had dared to challenge Britain could fail to be moved by the news that HMS Spiteful, HMS Violent and HMS Vindictive were turning up to sort them out.

In later years, as he sat writing letters to the Eastbourne Gazette demanding the introduction of public flogging for litter louts, he must have regretted not calling a ship HMS Vicious. However, he probably consoled himself with the thought that Clerk No.1 didn't get much of a look in on the Vs. He would have christened the ships Vacuous, Vile, Verminous and Venereal. As it was, he only managed HMS Vanity, which was presumably a sister ship of HMS Narcissus. Though Clerk No.2 no doubt deplored the behaviour of his colleague, he, too, allowed the problems of day-to-day existence to intrude into his work, though only after rows with his wife, hence HMS Termagant, HMS Virago and HMS Tirade.

I don't know for how many years they worked in the same office, but it must have been a fraught relationship. Each probably spent most of his time trying to trump the names of the other. Clerk No.1 christened HMS Pansy, No.2 responded with HMS Manly. No.1 - HMS Fairy, No.2 - HMS Virile. And so it went on until they retired and the ships they had named were either sunk or scrapped.

Now our ships have boringly correct names, which is a pity, for names could make a difference. A truly chauvinistic government would do well to study the names dreamed up by Clerk No.2. If we can no longer terrify opponents with the size of our navy, we could try to frighten them with aggressive nomenclature. A good start would be to retrieve the name HMS Violent and call sister ships HMS Psychopathic, HMS Blood Crazed and HMS Criminally Insane. The Vandal class could include HMS Ram Raider, HMS Headcase and HMS Terminator.

Of course, a more progressive government might go for names which reflected the concerns of the Left - HMS Black Sections, HMS Stop Clause 28, HMS Unilateralist and HMS Binding Decision of the Party Conference. Perhaps not, the Daily Mail would have a field day if HMS Unilateralist was ever sunk.

In any event, the name of the ship doesn't appear to have affected its ability to fight, HMS Truant sank the Karlsruhe, HMS Wallflower and HMS Inconstant accounted for several U-boats and I've no doubt that other ships with ridiculous names had excellent war records.

But it is hard not to imagine the crew of HMS Narcissus leaning over the side to admire their reflections in the water, or the crew of HMS Spanker being accosted by leather-clad masochists in dockside bars.

The crews of such ships must have been relieved when security considerations temporarily ended the practice of having the ship's name emblazoned on the cap-band. Even so, the change didn't come quickly enough for the unfortunate University Naval Reserve Unit which, when the orders for mobilisation came, was sent en masse to join a battleship. As they walked up the gangway the regulars on deck burst into hysterical laughter. The full name of the unit was the Cambridge University Naval Training Squadron, which was, of course indicated by the initials on their caps ...

Then again, it might be apocryphal.

Taken from a magazine article by James Richards

Ha! I knew it! God is an Englishman ...

An Australian cricket fan dies (probably from drinking too much) and goes to Heaven in his Australian cricket shirt.

He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Saint Peter.

'Hello mate,' the Aussie says.

'No Australian cricket fans in Heaven,' replies Saint Peter.

'What?' exclaims the man, astonished.

'You heard, no Australian cricket fans.'

'But, but, but, I've been a good bloke,' replies the Aussie.

'Oh really,' says Saint Peter. 'What have you done then?'

'Well, three weeks before I died I gave A$10 to the starving children in Africa.'

'Oh yeah,' says Saint Peter, 'anything else?'

'Well, two weeks before I died I also gave A$10 to the homeless.'

'Hmmm, anything else?'

'You bet. A week before I died I gave A$10 to the Albanian orphans.'

'OK,' said Saint Peter, 'you wait here a minute while I have a word with the Boss.'

Ten minutes pass before Saint Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, 'I've had a word with God and He agrees with me. Here's your A$30 back, now **** off.'

NB We love our Aussie friends really. I'm sure that they would want you to know that a Frenchman once wrote: "The reason the sun never sets on the British Empire is that God would never trust an Englishman in the dark!" Which is what most Aussies think as the light begins to fade at the end of a long day playing England at cricket

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Glad you enjoyed it David006.

Guess we Poms are a bit too hard on them Aussies. Did you read though in the Wikileaks that President Bush is very grateful to our Aussie mates.

It happened in those years when everyone was searching for Osama Bin Laden. At one point he seemed to have disappeared right off the map. People even began to hope that he had died. All the time, Bin Laden was holed up somewhere watching his satellite tv and having a good laugh at the President's expense.

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama Bin Laden is still alive", Osama decided to send President Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was "still in the game".

Mr. Bush opened the letter, which contained a single line of "coded" message:

370HSSV-0773H

Mr. Bush was baffled, so he sent copies to his Chief of Staff, and several Secretaries, including Condi Rice and Donald Rumsfeld. Their assistants and aides had no clue as to the meaning or translation of the code, so it was sent to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, then to the CIA and also to NASA. Even Mi6 couldn't help. With no clue to the translation, they eventually asked the Australian Secret Service ( known by everyone in the business as A.S.S) to help.

The scene shifts to Melbourne, Australia. The head of A.S.S., aka 'S', has just got back from a weekend wrestling with sharks off the North Coast. She picks up the message, kicks off her flip flops, and scrutinises it closely as she chomps on her crocodile and Vegemite sandwich.

370HSSV-0773H

Suddenly, S has solved the mystery. "Strewth!" she gasps, as she grabs the phone and calls the White House.

"G'dday mate," she rasps. "I have an urgent news for your Prez."

George Bush's personal aide winces at her informality, but then shrugs his shoulders. "Well she is Australian."

"Tell the President he's been holding the message upside down."

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

As a tour guide, I get to meet lots of Americans coming over to visit the Old Country. After many years of hard work I am finally beginning to understand their various accents. For instance, I have always found middle aged men from New York the most difficult to follow, especially after they have enjoyed several glasses of Merlot, (but, hey, what the heck?! They are good sports and have a generosity of spirit - a bit like all them Aussie girls ... but that's another story and another joke)

Like me, do you have trouble pronouncing American words e.g. "Oklahoma"? Where do you place the pause? :

The next time you need to say the word but can't quite remember the prononciation then close your eyes and bring to mind the following aide memoire by just clicking HERE.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Your favourite blonde Tracey is back in town. HOORAY!

Tracey has just bought some new shoes. She pulls them out of the bag to show to her old Aussie friend, Sheila

Sheila says: "Why have they got TGIF printed on the inside, Tracey? It means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday', right?"

Tracey giggles and says: "No silly. It reminds me, when I need to get my shoes on in a hurry, that Toes Go In First."

Tracey has a blonde friend, Samantha who has recently been telling the world at large that not everyone appreciates the fact that she is both blonde and beautiful.

Click HERE to read her story. It's a hoot!

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Ha! I knew it! God is an Englishman ...

An Australian cricket fan dies (probably from drinking too much) and goes to Heaven in his Australian cricket shirt.

He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Saint Peter.

'Hello mate,' the Aussie says.

'No Australian cricket fans in Heaven,' replies Saint Peter.

'What?' exclaims the man, astonished.

'You heard, no Australian cricket fans.'

'But, but, but, I've been a good bloke,' replies the Aussie.

'Oh really,' says Saint Peter. 'What have you done then?'

'Well, three weeks before I died I gave A$10 to the starving children in Africa.'

'Oh yeah,' says Saint Peter, 'anything else?'

'Well, two weeks before I died I also gave A$10 to the homeless.'

'Hmmm, anything else?'

'You bet. A week before I died I gave A$10 to the Albanian orphans.'

'OK,' said Saint Peter, 'you wait here a minute while I have a word with the Boss.'

Ten minutes pass before Saint Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, 'I've had a word with God and He agrees with me. Here's your A$30 back, now **** off.'

NB We love our Aussie friends really. I'm sure that they would want you to know that a Frenchman once wrote: "The reason the sun never sets on the British Empire is that God would never trust an Englishman in the dark!" Which is what most Aussies think as the light begins to fade at the end of a long day playing England at cricket

Greetings from over the Silver Sea