thefarangteacher

I showed my wife this comment and it helped clarify some things for her, so thank you.

That was made clear from the onset. But of course, talk of money has only continued, and now we have this situation to deal with. I did tell my wife back when this deal was arranged that this would happen, and I think as a result she’s more inclined to listen to my advice.

Very encouraging advice thank you. It’s hard for her to ignore the gossip, especially when it is repeated back to her by family members she trusts, but we are working on it. She has allies but there are less of them than ones who are happy to say nasty things.

Great comment and thank you, that’s very helpful.

Thank you for the comment. Bullying is a good word to describe what they’re doing to my wife. Nobody else in the family is subjected to this bull<deleted>. One particular aunt, the ringleader of the bullying faction, has always had it out for my wife, and will seize on whatever she can to impugn my wife in the eyes of the family and the village. Now it’s sinsod, last year it was not paying grandma, the year before it was “the farang will leave you any day now and you’ll be poor,” the year before that it was “why are you visiting the village, you chose the farang,” etc. If I paid the sinsod (which I’m not going to do), it’ll be something else before too long. You can never make toxic people happy. I’ve tried to make this clear in other comments that this is not about “Thai culture” or “assimilating” or my “refusing to accept Thai cultural practices”; all of those are just excuses used as a weapon to make my wife miserable.

What you say makes a lot of sense. However, my wife has told her family repeatedly that I take great care of her and that she wants for nothing. But apparently that’s not sufficient; the sinsod must still be paid. Which is why I think it’s just about getting more and more money.

It’s the “we don’t live in the dark ages, my wife is not property that must be bought in exchange for money” principle.

Exactly the point I’m making to my wife. Toxic people are never satisfied no matter what you do. They’ll never stop demanding more. If we do pay the sinsod then it’ll be “oh the farang didn’t pay enough” or “wow he can afford such a large sinsod he should give larger monthly payments too.” People can say “it’s just Thai culture” all they want, but my feeling is they’re using culture as a bludgeon to extract as much money as possible from my poor wife.

My attitude 100%. That’s what makes it a principle.

Thank you. It really is driving my poor wife crazy. She doesn’t deserve this.

I’m in my mid-30. I’m not a retiree; I don’t have the kind of money those guys do due to their station in life. So from me, 2,000 baht a month is generous, especially since it’s 2,000 baht more than I give my sick parents. That’s a large part of the problem here: the family’s perception that just because I am a “farang” that I’m loaded. I’m not. The kind of sinsod someone with this attitude would ask for is something I could not afford (as written previously they’re already implying 50,000 baht would be a pittance so I’m assuming they would ask for at least double that).

Very true! Worth considering.

My wife and I don’t even want this. As I said in my original post, it’s our wedding, not theirs. We don’t want a sinsod to be a part of the ceremony because it’s a concept/tradition both of us find repellent on principle, even if it’s just for show. Why should we be forced to include something neither of us wants, especially when I’m already doing the monthly payments?

I already compromised by agreeing to the monthly payments. That’s me accepting a “good part of Thai reality.” I’m not the party in this situation that has the “my way or the highway” attitude, which is my overall point.

We can’t move for the time being due to work but my wife would come regardless. She doesn’t think moving away will necessarily solve the problem though. She just wants them to stop treating me and her disrespectfully like this.

I made a topic last year about my wife’s family getting on her case for not giving money to her grandma. The short version is my wife and I decided to pay the grandma 2,000 baht a month, and if more money is ever asked for the payments stop. Moving on, now my wife’s toxic family is saying behind my wife’s back that they are “losing face” due to us not having had our traditional Thai village wedding. We married during COVID, so it was off the table then, and as of now both of my parents are sick and cannot fly to Thailand, so of course it’s not going to happen until that changes. Additionally, the big sticking point for me is, of course, the dowry or sinsod; I refuse to pay one on principle. I also believe that, since I’m now giving the recipients of any potential future sinsod 2,000 baht per month already that that should be sufficient. I’ve already compromised on the 2,000 baht payments as it is, so I feel the other side (the toxic family) should be willing to make their own compromise in turn. My wife wants me to include a comment from one of the toxic relatives here: “Even [my wife’s] fat, ugly, and stupid cousin got a sinsod of 50,000 baht.” That’s what we’re working with here. My attitude is that if and when we do have a wedding that it’s for us and will be done whichever way we want; it’s not for relatives that feel entitled to having it done a certain way. The comments from my topic last year were very helpful so I thought I’d share this other problem. My wife really is being driven crazy by these relatives so any and all advice is appreciated.

We live not too far away from the grandparents. I am learning Thai but am not at a conversational level yet. My wife and I agree separating her from the family is not the way to go about solving this problem. I am encouraged by your comments about how close you’ve grown to the Thai family! Hopefully as my spoken Thai improves I’ll be able to establish that independent relationship you mention. Time will tell.

I did not pay a dowry either; I refused on principle. I also have not given any money to the family (I think I mentioned it in a previous comment but my wife keeps most of these money requests from me, though each one she has shared with me I have declined). My wife, however, has given money to her family. A lot of it. And what makes me mad is all of that money she has given already counts for nothing; the only thing that matters now is that she is not giving anything anymore. That tells me that no matter how much money I might give to the family, it won’t matter in the slightest the first time I say no. So why not start by saying no?

Thank you for this comment, it really helped my wife feel a bit better. Do you have any suggestions / ideas for how she should go about dealing with her family going forward? I ask because it really does bring her down when these issues crop up.

My wife doesn’t think that, her family and the village at large does. They have a very old-fashioned / ignorant impression that all “farang” are playboys and that I, being young, will screw around and find a hotter / younger Thai woman the first chance I get. It’s very gross.

You’re absolutely right. However this is a case where she does want a solution. Hence why she suggested I ask other foreigners with Thai wives if and how they deal with this problem.

My wife agrees with your comment 100%.

Option b. She has been holding this back from me for a while, but today was the tipping point.

Not quite, the social media comment was relayed to the idiot relative by grandma. It’s grandma’s thoughts being communicated in a passive-aggressive manner.

We are both mid-30s. I work for an international school. I make enough money that my wife doesn’t have to work, and I give her a part of my salary every month. My wife had a rough childhood: both of her parents were absent for the entirety of it and she grew up with her grandma and grandpa. It is grandma that wants money, and the social media comment came from a relative that overshares on social media (eg this relative will post pictures of their bank account balance).