thefarangteacher

We can’t move for the time being due to work but my wife would come regardless. She doesn’t think moving away will necessarily solve the problem though. She just wants them to stop treating me and her disrespectfully like this.

I made a topic last year about my wife’s family getting on her case for not giving money to her grandma. The short version is my wife and I decided to pay the grandma 2,000 baht a month, and if more money is ever asked for the payments stop. Moving on, now my wife’s toxic family is saying behind my wife’s back that they are “losing face” due to us not having had our traditional Thai village wedding. We married during COVID, so it was off the table then, and as of now both of my parents are sick and cannot fly to Thailand, so of course it’s not going to happen until that changes. Additionally, the big sticking point for me is, of course, the dowry or sinsod; I refuse to pay one on principle. I also believe that, since I’m now giving the recipients of any potential future sinsod 2,000 baht per month already that that should be sufficient. I’ve already compromised on the 2,000 baht payments as it is, so I feel the other side (the toxic family) should be willing to make their own compromise in turn. My wife wants me to include a comment from one of the toxic relatives here: “Even [my wife’s] fat, ugly, and stupid cousin got a sinsod of 50,000 baht.” That’s what we’re working with here. My attitude is that if and when we do have a wedding that it’s for us and will be done whichever way we want; it’s not for relatives that feel entitled to having it done a certain way. The comments from my topic last year were very helpful so I thought I’d share this other problem. My wife really is being driven crazy by these relatives so any and all advice is appreciated.

We live not too far away from the grandparents. I am learning Thai but am not at a conversational level yet. My wife and I agree separating her from the family is not the way to go about solving this problem. I am encouraged by your comments about how close you’ve grown to the Thai family! Hopefully as my spoken Thai improves I’ll be able to establish that independent relationship you mention. Time will tell.

I did not pay a dowry either; I refused on principle. I also have not given any money to the family (I think I mentioned it in a previous comment but my wife keeps most of these money requests from me, though each one she has shared with me I have declined). My wife, however, has given money to her family. A lot of it. And what makes me mad is all of that money she has given already counts for nothing; the only thing that matters now is that she is not giving anything anymore. That tells me that no matter how much money I might give to the family, it won’t matter in the slightest the first time I say no. So why not start by saying no?

Thank you for this comment, it really helped my wife feel a bit better. Do you have any suggestions / ideas for how she should go about dealing with her family going forward? I ask because it really does bring her down when these issues crop up.

My wife doesn’t think that, her family and the village at large does. They have a very old-fashioned / ignorant impression that all “farang” are playboys and that I, being young, will screw around and find a hotter / younger Thai woman the first chance I get. It’s very gross.

You’re absolutely right. However this is a case where she does want a solution. Hence why she suggested I ask other foreigners with Thai wives if and how they deal with this problem.

My wife agrees with your comment 100%.

Option b. She has been holding this back from me for a while, but today was the tipping point.

Not quite, the social media comment was relayed to the idiot relative by grandma. It’s grandma’s thoughts being communicated in a passive-aggressive manner.

We are both mid-30s. I work for an international school. I make enough money that my wife doesn’t have to work, and I give her a part of my salary every month. My wife had a rough childhood: both of her parents were absent for the entirety of it and she grew up with her grandma and grandpa. It is grandma that wants money, and the social media comment came from a relative that overshares on social media (eg this relative will post pictures of their bank account balance).

I am a farang married to a Thai. Throughout our several years of marriage, her family has made passive-aggressive comments about her marriage (“make sure you get the farang to build a house for you before he leaves you”) and has asked me for money through her (which I have always declined to give). Today a relative made a snarky comment about my wife on social media, about how some family members refuse to help out and are deserving of shame, etc. What bothers my wife is this standard, where the farang is expected to do significantly more financial heavy-lifting for the family due to a stereotype in the Thai culture about farangs having lots of money (I am not old and this stereotype does not apply to me). It is also apparent to her that this standard is not applied to the rest of the Thai husbands in the extended family. She feels she is at a breaking point and doesn’t know what to do. Any farang husbands or Thai wives have advice for my wife? Tl;dr Thai wife is having unfair expectations out on her by her family due to stereotypes in Thai culture.