Dodeskaden

Dear sbk,

You've no idea how happy you just made me--I go to Surat Thani province in two days. So, can you give me the name and address of the recommended chiropractor? And, um, any English spoken? Even if not, it shouldn't be too difficult to point at a chart or skeleton. If you are going soon, let me know. Otherwise, this I really will check out.

I only go to a chiropractor to whom someone else has been. Not the case with acupuncture, my last practictioner I found in the phone book. However, at first I would only let her treat me with moxa--a medicinal herb that burns very hot and feels good. By the end of the session I was ready to offer her my firstborn.

Every acupuncurist I've been to either designates your own set of needles, uses disposable needles, or is happy to show you the steralizer.

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best regards--and whatever, [FREE ADVICE ALERT: don't even consider surgery till you've explored the other options]

dodes

Dear SBK,

This is a trifle off-topic so please forgive if you've already explored this. I also have sciatica, and what has actually worked for me is chiropractic care. I know that still leaves you to find a recommended practitioner in Thailand.

For the last three months I was was also treated with acupuncture, which is just always a good thing, but was not particulary geared to lower back stuff beyond being comforting, and good for the entire organism.

If you have any particular acupuncture concerns, from several experiences I'd be happy to respond. I think I can also give you an email for the wonderful person I just saw in the states, for a more professional view.

Best,

Dodeskaden

Dear Ex-Pats...who've made me laugh, and think, and almost butt in to ongoing conversations:

I'm leaving for New York City tomorrow (14 hours from right now) and then the LOS, and a quiet, contemplative low tech life wandering life.

I'm not in panic mode, or anything.  Just all of a sudden thought, rather urgently, perhaps I should buy a phone card, or an on-line international code or a sim free something-or-other phone whilst in the good ol' US of A with all our high tech low-priced imports.

So--any advice re good rates and relatively easy ways to call the U.S. from Thailand?

Numero two: where to go in BKK for internet use?

merci, mille-fois.

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing

with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand

just how it works.

Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman

happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes

and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she

expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES 

You make the bed .............................................+1  
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0  
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1  
You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5  
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0  
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1  
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2  
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5  
in the snow...................................................+8  
but return with beer..........................................-5  
and no liners................................................-25  
You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0  
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0  
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5  
You pummel it with a six iron................................+10  
It's her cat.................................................-40  

AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party......................... 0  
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat  
with a College drinking buddy.................................-2  
Named Tiffany.................................................-4  
Tiffany is a dancer..........................................-10  
With breast implants.........................................-18

HER BIRTHDAY  

You remember her birthday......................................0  
You buy a card and flowers.....................................0  
You take her out to dinner.................................... 0  
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..........+1  
Okay, it is a sports bar......................................-2  
And it's all-you-can-eat night................................-3  
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your  
face is painted the colors of your favorite team.............-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS 

Go with a pal..................................................0  
The pal is happily married....................................+1  
The pal is single.............................................-7  
He drives a Ferrari..........................................-10  
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED).................-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER 

You take her to a movie.......................................+2  
You take her to a movie she likes.............................+4  
You take her to a movie you hate..............................+6  
You take her to a movie you like..............................-2  
It's called Death Cop 3.......................................-3  
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans........................-9  
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans........-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
 
You develop a noticeable pot belly...........................-15  
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise  
to get rid of it.............................................+10  
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose  
jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts..............................-30  
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".............-800

THE BIG QUESTION 

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"  
You hesitate in responding...................................-10  
You reply, "Where?"..........................................-35  
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass"......................-100  
Any other response...........................................-20  
 
[CODE]COMMUNICATION  

When she wants to talk about a problem:  
You listen, displaying a concerned expression..................0  
You listen, for over 30 minutes...............................+5  
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+50  
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her  
saying "well, what do you think I should do".................-50  
You listen for more than 30 min. without looking at the TV..+100  
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep.........-200  
 

Oh, well...HEY---it's just like, y'know, intuitively obvious, right?

SBK--those were wonderful. Oh, if my own father were still alive, the laundromat one alone would have made him lose it! It gave me a sudden pang of wishing I could tell it to him. For myself, I haven't quite caught my breath yet from how many men does it take to open a beer... but it reminded me of these:

MORE SEXIST HUMOR

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take

to do the dishes?

Answer: Both of them.

Why did the man cross the road?

Answer: He heard the chicken was easy.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?

Answer: They don't have time.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

Answer: We don't know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

Answer: They all already have boyfriends.

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Answer: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

Answer: His hand caught fire.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

Answer: They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."

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SEXIST PHILOSOPHY

DON'T FORGET:

Women seldom make fools of men - because most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

ADVICE:

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

HELPFUL HINTS:

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him chequebooks.

Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.

UNDERSTANDING:

The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years....never mind, you can figure out why.

It doesn't matter how cute he is, some woman out there is completely sick of his sh#t.

WISDOM OF THE AGES: .

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

A sense of humour does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.

AND ALWYS REMEMBER:

Love is blind, but the neighbors aren't.

Ok, I'm going for it:

Ask either guard, "IF I WERE TO ASK THIS HERE OTHER GUARD WHICH DOOR LED TO FREEDOM, WHAT WOULD HE TELL ME?"

If I happen to have asked the liar, he will know the other one would tell me true, so he'll say the opposite.

Let's say door A is the way to freedom. I ask the lying guard, what would your buddy answer me, and he'll say "Door B"

If I happen to have asked the truthful guard, he will know the other one would lie (telling me door b ), so then he'll truthfully answer, "The other guy would tell you 'Door B'"

Thus with that question in either case you will be told the door to death. So choose the opposite.

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Edward B, thank you for answering about the prince, I kept checking back, but wouldn't think about it because I hate these. I have hated them since fifth grade, when I gave up. Wisely. Now I've spent more than an hour on this one from Thomas. grrrrr __#% __ ( uh-oh -- this doesn't print everything I write!!)

But assuming that they are fun for some, in that spirit I offer this old one I remember:

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Early one spring a farmer leaves home, travels down the road, wades through the river and goes to market. He buys a sack of grain, a chicken to lay eggs, and a pretty red fox as a surprise for his wife and kids. But it has been raining. The river has risen sharply and he is going to have to row his way back. He manages to borrow a little boat, but it is only big enough to hold himself and one other object. If he takes the grain, that leaves the chicken with the fox on the shore, and the fox will eat the chicken. If he takes the fox across first, that leaves the chicken alone with the grain, and he can kiss next years' crop good bye. 

                    What to do?

LOL. good one, Axel.

here's some seasonal stuff that has made the rounds:

hate to desecrate sacred myth, but what if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? 

They would have asked directions;
arrived on time;
brought practical gifts;
cleaned the stable;
helped deliver the baby; and
made a casserole.
 

A MUST .....READ ALL THE WAY DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MAY BE THE ONLY WARNING YOU GET

If you receive an e-mail titled "Bad Times" delete it immediately. Do not open it.

Apparently, this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on all your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

If you drive a Ford, it will start missing like a Chevy. It will program your phone auto dial to call your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer.

For god's sake, are you listening? It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun when someone loses an eye.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings that grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN!

If you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. Please send, send, send, send, and send!

****IN CASE YOU ARE A BLONDE, THIS IS A JOKE****

---------------

um, p.s. there is a "stella awards" you can google to find them...this one was a hoax, actually.

DIAGNOSTIC COMPUTER

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,

"My elbow hurts worse than anything. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it

a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do

about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a heck of a lot

cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar andtakes it to the drugstore.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine

sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and

avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this newtechnology was, Jack began

wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool

sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and

daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits

ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer

prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will

never get better.

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GRANDMA IN TRAFFIC

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day after coming from an exhilarating choir performance, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just thinking about how wonderful the Lord is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I never would have noticed the light!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and

then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO!

GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all those

lovely people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him

yelling something about a "sunny beach".

I saw another gentleman waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and

gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why,

even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that

they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted

to ask me what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had

changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers and drove on through

the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through before

the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them

after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the

window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I

drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

--Grandma

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SANTA

This guy is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife has left him, he has

lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank.

Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father

Christmas taps him on the shoulder.

“Are you OK?” asks Father Christmas.

The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.

“Stop !” shouts Father Christmas. “I will grant you three wishes on the

understanding that you will do me a favour”. “Would you ?” the man replies.

“That would be wonderful!! Thank you, thank you !”

Father Christmas promises him that:

1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest

underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will

have no recollection of her new boyfriend.

2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your

work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any

recollection of your sacking.

3. You shall go to your bank and you will be in credit, you will have no

outstanding bills.

“Oh thank you, thank you !” says the man. “What is it that I can do for

you?”

Father Christmas tells the man to drop his pants and bend over. After a

quite brutal rogering, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is.

“36” replies the man.

“You’re a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren’t you!” laughed the

jolly fat gay bastard.

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From a book called 'Disorder in the Court'. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. (Makes me long for lawyer jokes).

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year? A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the

impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your

memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of

something that

you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember

which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you

when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been

involved in voodoo

or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies

in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next

morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is

he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to

a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on

dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school

did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I

was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you

check

for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was

alive when you

began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a

jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive,

nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive

and

practising law somewhere.

Got it!   Good for 6 months, multiple entry.  Thanks to dr. pat pong et al. --Dodes

....

The web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.

--------------------------------------------

Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.

-----------------------------------------------

Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.

------------------------------------------------

Windows 98 or NT crashed.

I am the Blue Screen of Death.

No one hears your screams.

-------------------------------------------------

Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.

-------------------------------------------------

Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.

-------------------------------------------

Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is

down.

-------------------------------------------------

A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.

-------------------------------------------------

Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has

occurred?

-------------------------------------------------

You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not

here.

-------------------------------------------------

Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, but we never will.

------------------------------------------------

Having been erased, the document you're seeking must now be retyped.

-------------------------------------------------

Serious error. All short cuts have disappeared.

-------------------------------------------------

Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Not - Always - So

Oops.  Never mind questions 3 and 4, I've figured out the fiscally unhappy answers from prior postings.  -- Words of wisdom on the first two would be good though.--D

I really appreciate the additional information all have given me about getting the longest possible visa from the U.S. Alas, to follow some of this intriguing advice gives rise to a few more questions. If you will be so kind....

1) *************** If I decide to simply apply for tourist visa, how long should I indicate I hope to stay --only 60 days, 90, or more??*********

2) I favor the suggestion to apply to the Texas consulate, but does it matter that it is not the consulate district designated for my area?

3) Retirement/retreat was also mentioned, does it mean one essentially has to deposit $20,000 into a Thai bank, or just indicate you actually have that much?

4) For a multiple entry there's the idea of saying I want to possibly invest...um, what are a few typical, small-time, farang investments that wouldn't require pre-existing business documentation?

5) Nowhere on the the visa applications did I find mention of visiting a "friend" ----only family or spouse.

a) If I were to state that, would I need to provide the name and address of a Thai national?

Also, would I have to support the story--because I haven't been anywhere in years; and,

c) I am in the somewhat less common situation of being a woman, so would I need to claim a boyfriend? (I'm just gonna risk assuming that women's gay rights haven't hit some new high I have never heard about )(Sorry, my idea of humor).

--Thanks, Dosdes.

To those who took the time to reply to what must be very old news to you, I am much clearer, and encouraged to not just seek the path of least resistance. For which I will undoubtedly be even more grateful in future.

It's a holiday here in U.S. tomorrow, but I will contact west coast consulate (maybe they'll be less stressed there) and see if I can come up with enough reasons for a multiple entry visa...I suppose just wanting to have time and mobility isn't gonna fly (rhetorical question, that).

Dr. Pat Pong asked how long I meant to stay, and the answer is a year, anyway.

Worst case scenario I now know how 90 days is possible, and I can cope with that. Not knowing anything for sure adds a lot of variables.

I find myself smiling every time I think of this site. Thanks, y'all.

Am experiencing some technical difficulties getting info... Is it possible to apply for a multiple entry visa to Thailand, from the U.S. (with U.S. passport) if I am not claiming business, retirement or a school program?

Finally I was told to request a tourist visa, but have be unable to find out if it will be for 60 days, and if so, if that can be extended from within Thailand. Is there a way to not have to do visa runs?

Is it a problem to not have a return ticket?

I have a U.S. passport and would like to get a visa from the U.S. -- such that I don't have to leave the country every 30 days.

I am told I can apply for a tourist visa that is good for 60 days. (maybe). How do I apply for a multuple entry visa if I am not working or retiring?

Thank you in advance for info and advice.