niagarekoja

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What in your bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband ." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade!"

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row - - too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, " South Carolina "

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina ."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

6. A dog's parents never visit.

7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to ge t your point

across.

9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or

desk.

10. Dogs seldom outlive you.

11. Dogs can't talk.

12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a

day.

13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you

get another dog?"

17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them

away.

18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a

pervert.

19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just

think it's interesting.

21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.

25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale' s or Neiman-Marcus.

And, last but not least:

26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room?

and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy?

The first thing Daisy asked was,? "Do you have a condom?"?

Donald frowned and said, "No."?

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom,? they could not have sex.?

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk, "she suggested. ?

So Donald went down to the lobby; and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.?

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.?

The clerk asked,? "Would you like me to put that on your bill??

"No!"? Donald quacked,? "What kind of a ?pervert do you think I am?"

It was a hot day in Minnesota.

Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, and then went

downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hotter dan hel_l today," she mused to herself as she walked

down Main Street.

She passed a tavern and thought , "Vy nodt?"

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and

asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."

"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?"

Test for Smart People...I have determined that you qualify.

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend...except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599 - no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive it here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly........

com-for-da-bull"

There was a rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before

the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they

passed a rule that whenever the rabbi's family

expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation

decided to hold another meeting to discuss the rabbi's salary. There was

much yelling and bickering about how much his additional children were

costing the synagogue.

Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a

gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice

said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it,

we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen"

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to

file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you

a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc.

and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't

work. Let's try to rephrase that"

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken

farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a

prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,

"Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and

continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.

Two, you didn't read your homework

And three, one day you are going to be very,very disappointed."

Proof That The World Is Nuts !!

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the

animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is

punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but

is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He

may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also

applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered

with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full- time job is to travel the countryside

And deflower young virgins, who pay t hem for the privilege of having sex

For the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else

in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous

husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any

manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in

tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the

first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a

woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this

law?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with

one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine

only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on

the premises."

(Is this a great country or what?

Well, not as great as Guam !!!!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses

150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times it's own weight, can pull 30 times it's own

weight and always falls over on it's right side when when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did the government pay f or this research??????)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, also!!!!!!!!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad

Breath in the morning!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: What goes on in Nursing homes

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby

of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the

old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have sex with you

in the rocker.

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft

sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles,

and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple minutes, starts

digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it

up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocker!"

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When The postal authorities received the letter addressed to "God, USA", they decided to send it to the President.

The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.

However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those as*****s deducted

$95.00 in taxes.

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman he spotted dining alone. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,

"This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man.

The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.

He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read:

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage.

There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off what's in my pants.

So, send the bottle back."

Uncle Ted's Morals

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one. The following day, Suzy raises her hand and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''

Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, "Don't f*** with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''

_________________

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the

town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. "I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries:

Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the

bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?"

She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?

LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE hel_l UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

Son asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?"

His dad sighs and replies,

"Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"

"Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a

cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download

from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that

neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the

delete button."

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her

operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity

from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then

nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'!"

Hi Guys,

2 of us are coming over from Samui to Patong on Thursday 11th Jan and are looking for 2 single rooms v close to Bangla Rd for 4-5 nights, were not fussed about a pool or breakfast, just want a nice clean room with aircon for 800-1200 baht per night, anyone have any recommendations or links.

Cheers,

thestirfry

http://www.patongfamily.com/fm2/content/sc..._main_index.htm

One More

We ran out of petrol about 20 miles north of Krabi a few years ago. Hadn’t seen a petrol station anywhere! There we were parked at the side of the road wondering what to do miles from anywhere. We had been there for about fifteen minutes when two young Thai guys on a motorcycle stopped and asked what was wrong.

On finding out we were out of petrol they volunteered to go get some.

After 40 minutes or longer we had given up on them thinking they had not bothered. At that moment we saw them coming back down the road with a can. They would take no money for themselves only for gas. They must have travelled miles to find a garage. And they were travelling to Phuket on this motorcycle!!!!

Yes there are some good people!

Having a Bad Day????

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on; Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

CHINESE PROVERBS

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hel_l, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

*****

As a matter of interest, are the Metered Taxis allowed inside the terminal now?? They used to always have to park outside the terminal on the road.

They were parking in the carpark across the road slightly to the left as you came our of arrivals

Now they park right at the end of the terminal coming out of arrivals to the right.No road to cross.Hard to see. You have to walk in that direction to see them.

Well if you are aware what it is then please stop referring to the airport limo service as the meter taxis, even in your above post you say "metered, for a fixed price" !! Those silver ones are airport limos.. They are not meter taxis and they are the the group that perpetrates the complaints of this thread (in the mini bus service)..

Taxis were in the car park (towards exit) and last time I came through moved to the right hand side of the arrivals exit. Last few times I have been through they are inside the terminal car park (18 months or so ??) although the limo drivers will lie and try to discourage you from going there. No not have, gone now, not there, etc and there they are !!!

When the meters first arrived I asked one if he would leave the meter off (testing him) and he said "no no hab meter" smiled and off we go.. Patong is usually 350 - 400 baht in the meter tho they do have an airport surcharge to get access thanks to the limo drivers.

Meter taxis have all refused to come to Patong for pickups for me as they say the tuk tuks will smash windows or give them a beating.. A buddy says he has been able to call one but they will not venture to my location, thank the tuk tuks for that as they hold that for them and the limo drivers (who can come into Patong).

Thank goodness for common sence.I thought I was going daft trying to explain the difference to our friend.Your experience is the same as mine.

In November the limo drivers tried to tell me the meter taxis no longer were at the airport due to "boxing".

Even when I saw meter taxis approaching airport terminal.Though I cant complain, a black cab took me to Patong for 400 baht.In all fairness he drove well, parked near to where I was staying and carried all my bags to reception.

I was just a little angry that he tried to tell me meter taxis were finished at the airport,when dozens passed us going in the oposite direction back to the airport.I can take the scams around town but you would expect a more proffesional approach/control at an airport such as Phuket.I think some Thai`s just think were stupid and to be taken advantage of. Well I`am sorry I dont like being laughed at whatever the nationality.

I would love to know the insurance conditions of the many private/black cabs taking you back to the airport.Are they insured for fare paying passenger`s. Many are just private cars belonging to hotel or guest house.

Certainly in the UK their insurance would/could be invalid .

So book through internet

Which website for this?

http://phuketdir.com/palbuco/rate.htm

Go to home page for booking

Its this bit I dont understand

tell them where I want to go, pay them 550 baht, get a paper with the number of the taxi and am helped to find that taxi

That`s booking taxis in arrivals hall not going to the taxi rank outside. Where the meter goes on and you pay when you get to your destination.No paper!!! Just get in tell the driver where you are going and away you go.Well thats always been my experience.If it`s busy there may have been a discussion with other drivers.

Are you sure you got a metered taxi (red and yellow or odd purple and yellow) because they dont usually park outside hotels.The tuk tuks or the private/black taxis would chase them off. They certainly will not pick up in Patong.Only drop off.They value there lives too much. They work 12 hour shifts if they did one job an hour from the airport they would take at least 4800 baht. Thats the whole idea of meter taxis,the meter goes on.You say he took you all around the island then said up to you what you pay.Dos not sound like a meter cab to me.

I can get a car to take me around for no more than a 1000 baht a day (7 hours or so)

Apologies for getting a little hot.I just get tired of some people making excuses for Thai people ripping you off.

I agree with the first poster some thai`s just dont like you in their country. Tough !!