richardjm65

I had a terrible night - tossing and turning until my dear wife asked me what was wrong. There was this nagging doubt at the back of my mind and I responded by asking her to fetch me volume 2 of that wonderful classic work "What Is The Significance And Legacy Of Essex cricket in the 1950's". (Also sub-titled "Is It Cricket Or Is It Art?"). By the way, I'm told that as well as being available from Amazon, (whatever that is), there's a move afoot to translate the entire work into Thai. So that's good news for you Thai youngsters. And don't be shy, let's hear from you now and then - you must have lots of questions.

Anyway, I feverishly pored through the pages in the early morning gloom until I found what I was looking for. Yes, it was true, I was indeed guilty of error, I'd said in an earlier post that Michael Bear opened for Essex when, of course it was Gordon Barker. Frankly, I'm a little surprised that this was not picked up on and corrected by you chaps. Michael, (or Micky, as he preferred to be called), was a fine all-rounder and an especially good outfielder. You probably remember the match against Hampshire at Chelmsford in '58 when he saved a four at the boundary and then threw the ball accurately and unerringly onto the stumps, a good 50 yard throw, finishing the Hampshire innings by running the batsman out. Quite astonishing.

Then there was the wonderful Brian Taylor - wicket keeper - who later in his career complained to me about his knees. (Wicket keepers are prone to knee problems (and haemorrhoids too) and I understand there's a possibility of the matter being brought up at a "Department of Health and Safety" symposium this summer. It's possible that there may actually be a ban on this position). Absolute nonsense in my opinion, just like making the batsmen wear those silly, girly helmets!

I'll be writing to Brian to let him know that the finest minds in S.E.Asia are now openly talking about the subject which, along with sexual deviation, was seldom discussed except in whispers during the '50's. He'll be well into his '80's now but I know he'll welcome the support.

And speaking of which, there's another thing - what's with all these supports and boxes for the batsmen, eh? In my day a rolled up sock did the job and though I never became a father myself, I know a couple of cricketing chaps that did!

I've never had the tendency, Streetcowboy, to dribble over cricket. However, I do recall a slight salivary seepage during the thrilling final frame of the 1987 "Ladies Nude Snooker Tournament" in Blackpool, (on which I was commentating), when Irish Celeste (Boom Boom) Brannegan potted the black to the bottom right pocket, despite the fact that she was only 5' 0" and still managed to keep one foot on the ground. Who could ever forget how the crowd roared! You must remember that, surely?

And with regard to the state of my knees - I've never had to crawl except just after one terrible pre-Christmas binge on my way home from a British Chamber of Commerce Christmas lunch after helping to tidy up some of the un-emptied wine bottles. It could have happened to anyone. I apologise for any rudeness. I never meant any offence.

But anyway, back to the cricket thing. Sad to note that JT has not fulfilled his early interest and promise. He was clearly trying to learn the game and though he would probably not have been accepted except, perhaps, as a tail end player, but at least he showed an interest. Bravo, JT.

I always thought Michael Bear, the Essex opener in the late1950's was a man to admire. What do you think?

So, on with the game.

And.... oh dear! Someone seems to be moving in front of the sightscreen and play has been brought to a halt whilst the umpires investigate. Under the rules of the game this will mean stumps will be pulled early, the players will return to the pavilion to explain the rules to the offender and the covers will be brought out and placed for overnight protection.

I doubt if we'll see any more action today, John. John.... John, where do you think you're going?

I am speaking before I have conferred with the other team members ... but I'm taking a bit of a shine to the new batter ... richardjm65

You may not know, but I am one of the designated talent scouts in the team and I am liking your style!

May I ask "are you currently contracted elsewhere?'

We haven’t addressed yet the English speaking commentary side of the team and while I have one other in mind ... I am sure that you would be a perfect foil for each other. It's a team game we play here.

Your entertainment commentary skills are on display ... but there does remain the test of your technical understanding of the game.

Mind you ... the bar is not set very high ... about elbow high actually ...

OH ... I forgot to ask a very important question ... how are the knees?

And.... oh dear! Someone seems to be moving in front of the sightscreen and play has been brought to a halt whilst the umpires investigate. Under the rules of the game this will mean stumps will be pulled early, the players will return to the pavilion to explain the rules to the offender and the covers will be brought out and placed for overnight protection.

I doubt if we'll see any more action today, John. John.... John, where do you think you're going?

I am speaking before I have conferred with the other team members ... but I'm taking a bit of a shine to the new batter ... richardjm65

You may not know, but I am one of the designated talent scouts in the team and I am liking your style!

May I ask "are you currently contracted elsewhere?'

We haven’t addressed yet the English speaking commentary side of the team and while I have one other in mind ... I am sure that you would be a perfect foil for each other. It's a team game we play here.

Your entertainment commentary skills are on display ... but there does remain the test of your technical understanding of the game.

Mind you ... the bar is not set very high ... about elbow high actually ...

OH ... I forgot to ask a very important question ... how are the knees?

Technical understanding of the game is quite good, though I would need to brush up on that "Offside Rule".

You make a very tempting offer and I'd certainly like to give it my best shot but I should tell you that I am frequently called upon to do live commentary for the ladies "Nude Snooker" tournaments, (always a crowd puller), and also some of the "Advanced Ladies Beach Volleyball" fixtures. I wouldn't want them to clash.

Knees are in remarkable shape, given my age and habits.

I knew Trevor, you know. Best all-rounder Essex ever had! To watch him playing with Doug Insole - what an uplifting experience. But do excuse me, I tend to babble when I get excited.

I've been holding back this candidate who has applied for a position on one of the available knees.

But I didn't want to saturate the thread early on.

Her name is Hanna (Hannah) Tan and interestly she hails from Malaysia, so could be of assistance when we are trying to integrate the game in the South of Thailand with resolving some of tensions in the area.

Please look her CV and see if there is a free knee ... figuratively speaking.

And.... oh dear! Someone seems to be moving in front of the sightscreen and play has been brought to a halt whilst the umpires investigate. Under the rules of the game this will mean stumps will be pulled early, the players will return to the pavilion to explain the rules to the offender and the covers will be brought out and placed for overnight protection.

I doubt if we'll see any more action today, John. John.... John, where do you think you're going?

Well, it's taken some time, but a ripple of applause goes round the spectators as they note that the team have reached their fifty without loss of wickets, though there were a few anxious moments out there in the early stages. It's definitely not a batsman's wicket and it's clear that the slow play and run rate may be in response to the player's thoughts wandering in directions other than what's happening at the crease.

Anyway, back at the pavilion the refreshment tray has been prepared several times but on each occasion has been hijacked by thirsty members of the waiting batting side, and that could account for their unsteady walk and their kicking out and swearing at the small crowd of boys, (and even a few girls), who have come to the pavilion in the hope of collecting the autographs of their heroes

More likely to get their ticket's punched, eh Ritchie????

Picking our way through the small islands south of Phuket on our 65' ketch just as the sun was coming up, at the tail end of a trip from Singapore. Crystal clear water, dolphins playing at the bow. It was a Saturday, and on board we had power tools, TV's, stereos, a couple of motor bikes and other bits and pieces. We actually pulled in to Phuket just after mid-day, to find that customs and immigration at the port closed up at mid-day Saturday, giving us 36 hours to dispose of our cargo. We ran the zodiac back and forth and accepted the assistance of the off-duty customs and immigration guys in this exercise, in exchange for a couple of TV's and a stereo or three.

The cargo was duly disposed of and customs and immigration solemnly stepped aboard on the Monday morning in their crisp, clean uniforms and with totally straight faces processed us into the country. That Monday morning was my introduction to Phuket and I remember thinking "yeah - I think I'm going to like this place".

With the boat safe, we went to Patong Beach, where there was no mains electricity and Nipa huts offered accomodation on the beach side of the road for about 25-30 baht a night. Two cars could barely pass on that road. Coconut plantations grew right up to the road, there was one guesthouse that had a second story. Patong had one cop who knocked off at 6.00pm, then went and opened his beer bar shack where he also supplied marijuana to the handful of guests. It was so un-touristy you could stand on that great crescent of beach and maybe not see a soul. It was wonderful. It was in the 1970's.

Last time I was there would be 1995 and Patong had become a city. Don't want to go there ever again - we had the best when it was the best.

I think Ohyesuare is right. You'd also probably break your jar of pickles too.

Your incident served to remind me of an event in '89 when, after closing my office I strolled toward Sukhumvit Soi 4 for my evening drinks. I carried one of the solid, Samsonite briefcases in my right hand and, as on many other occasions a motorcyclist rode towards me on the sidewalk underneath the expressway flyover. Being well tired of having to step into the gutter for these oafs, this time I angled the briefcase out slightly and was able to cause it to contact his oncoming right knee with a very satisfying crack.

He hopped around a bit, clearly distressed and I apologised most earnestly, and was waved on and grinned at by the cop who had seen the "accident". My beer tasted so much better that evening.

it is quite scary to see that most women don't wash their hands. They go to the mirror check their hair and/or make-up, sometimes have a quick rinse without soap (although available) and leave.

You do realise your urine is sterile and you can actually drink it....so would suggest not washing hands for Number 1's is ok....but of course you wash your hands after a little Number 2...

Erm you do realize that .......In women, as the stream passes over the labia, it inevitably collects a rich menagerie of bacterial flora that naturally congregate in that area. This is why when females are required to provide a urine sample they are always encouraged to part the labia, pass some urine into the toilet to flush the urethral opening clean and then to pee into the pot to achieve a "clean catch"

Aneliane, that was slightly more information than I expected.

However, next time I'm at a dinner party and the conversation shows signs of flagging, I shall know how to revive it in an instant with this piece of new knowledge, though I suppose most of the ladies would know this already don't you think?

I'm sure that both Soutpeel and I would need your assurance that once the recommended procedure has been followed, the "clean catch" would be safe to drink.

If one were so inclined, that is.

Further to my comment on the only slightly understood cricket "Offside Rule", it might be beneficial to introduce newcomers to a few of the technical, sporting terms applied to cricket. For instance, how many of us clearly understand the deeper meaning of "bowling a maiden over". And what's more, who could clearly explain the oft used phrase "batting for the other side".

These terms, whilst being common parlance amongst the cricketing fraternity, could well lead to confusion. I think we need some guidance here.

Over to you, Trevor.

"He was caught after a having big slash"

"He scored with a tickle to leg"

"He is always chasing the short ones"

"He is a big swinger and can vary his length"

Its a long shot, but he just might make it

Its a long, slow, lazy delivery, but its the best that I can manage

SC

TV Cricket - A ball's a ball for a' that

"Unconventional wrist action"

"Time to pull stumps".

Further to my comment on the only slightly understood cricket "Offside Rule", it might be beneficial to introduce newcomers to a few of the technical, sporting terms applied to cricket. For instance, how many of us clearly understand the deeper meaning of "bowling a maiden over". And what's more, who could clearly explain the oft used phrase "batting for the other side".

These terms, whilst being common parlance amongst the cricketing fraternity, could well lead to confusion. I think we need some guidance here.

Over to you, Trevor.

What could be a helpful and, indeed, gracious welcome to those readers not entirely familiar with this, the king of games, but obviously eager to learn and perhaps participate, would be a simple but thorough explanation of the Offside Rule.

You've got to start somewhere..........

I still haven't been to Makro! Am I missing out?!

Yup; best fruit and veg' selection of any of the Supermarkets and reasonable prices. Meat there takes a lot of beating too.

I must admit that I've seldom, (if ever), had the urge to beat the meat in any of these big stores. Am I missing out on something good?

Well, up to now, some interesting perspectives and suggestions, all of which I will consider. The reason for my original post was to gather opinions, because every now and then, someone comes up with something quite brilliant that had simply not occurred to me. Thanks, guys, for your input thus far. Any other suggestions would be most welcome.

Understand that I am one of those financial retards who really needs honesty. I come from a time when I believed that banks and politicians were trustworthy. Now I begin to understand the necessity for advanced knowledge, healthy scepticism......and cunning.

I have sterling invested in four funds in the care of one financial adviser, with whom I have no problem. I also have sterling on a 12 month deposit with Santander in Jersey in addition to a Santander account which I maintain to receive my state pension and deal with any necessary sterling transactions. This pays no interest and requires the balance to be above 5,000GBP or charges are incurred

Over the last week or so I've started wondering if it would be sensible to close up the 12 month time deposit in Jersey (currently yielding 3%) when it matures and move it into a similar account in Thailand as it is unlikely that I shall ever wish to move back to the UK. These thoughts are prompted to some degree by the recent European crisis and the fact that Santander now looks a little less safe than it did. I'm not looking for high interest high risk investment - at my age and with my modest means I'm looking more for a safe place and a moderate interest return - I don't like to feel exposed.

Any thoughts on the wisdom (or otherwise) of taking such a step? I still remember the 1997 Asian currency crisis due to which I lost my company in Bangkok and would not want to risk repeating that experience in my private life.

Ah...... O.K., well now I can stop sulking. Thanks chaps.

Sorry, perhaps I wasn't clear. Normally when one makes a post there's a little blue box displayed on the right which says "Like This". It's not appearing in recent posts that I have made. I may be a bit daft and well into my dotage, but I certainly would not click on the "Like This" box for my own posts.

Unless, of course, I came upon it and recognised the brilliance of it but failed to notice it was one of mine. A problem with the aged, I'm afraid.

Do you see the box beside other people's posts?

Yes, I do. For instance, it appears beside your post #4 above, but not beside my post #3 above yours. It also appears on Thaddeus's #3. It's terrible to feel so left out.......

Sorry, perhaps I wasn't clear. Normally when one makes a post there's a little blue box displayed on the right which says "Like This". It's not appearing in recent posts that I have made. I may be a bit daft and well into my dotage, but I certainly would not click on the "Like This" box for my own posts.

Unless, of course, I came upon it and recognised the brilliance of it but failed to notice it was one of mine. A problem with the aged, I'm afraid.

Not that it matters that much, but I'm curious to know why my recent posts do not have the "Like this" box displayed. Have I accidentally disabled it? If so, how do I go about restoring it?

Walked into Krungthai bank in Ari. Told the person at the counter I needed a bank account to apply for visa, and that was fine. They just needed passport. Before I came here I went to Kasikorn Bank just next door, and they requested a work permit.

Look for a lady in her 50's with glasses, she was more than helpful.

PS! Im on a tourist visa.

In March 2011 I posted my experience with KTB. It was, indeed, easy to open an account with them, so I opened a savings account. They did not tell me that non-Thais do not receive interest on their savings account deposit. My fault, really, for not asking, and for assuming that all banks pay interest as per my accounts with other private banks. It appears that government banks discriminate against non-Thai account holders - the private banks do not.

I appreciate that the interest rate paid on savings accounts is pretty low, but even so, the interest over a one year period, if you started with a deposit sufficient to satisfy the immigration department when applying for a retirement extension, would be enough for several good meals out, (with drinks). It beats getting nothing at all. My choice for foreigner-friendly banks? Kasikorn or Standard Chartered - though Standard Chartered have very few up-country branches.

I have heard it's possible to wipe your ass with a bus ticket. The drill is to fold the ticket in half, then fold in half again. You then tear off the folded, closed corner. Do not discard this!! Now unfold the bus ticket. In the centre of the ticket you should now have a hole. Insert your middle right finger through the hole and swiftly and accurately clean your ass.

However, you're not done yet. Now take the corner of the bus ticket (you tore it off, remember, and were advised to retain it), in your left hand and carefully use it for cleaning under the finger nail of the middle finger, right hand.

Job done. Back to your Big Mac.

I cannot vouch for the efficacy of this method with Thai bus tickets though........

I think quite a few live under bridges.

I'll still go with my previous answer when one of the wifes best friends asked me and that's cleavage.

Most other things have been mentioned. Stew and dumplings ( i just can't make them well) Sheperds pie , but I can make that.

Fish and chips, not just fish and chips, but being able to go to a shop locally and buy it. Especially when walking back from football. That's another thing real football, not the pansie stuff here when as soon as there is the slightest contact the ref blows for a foul. You may have guessed I don't miss the premiership. Then again 10 minutes into a Palace game and I'd be wishing I was somewhere else, like the pub.

Salt and vinegar, worcester sauce crisps. Salt and vinegar have started to appear but not very cheap though.

Chocolate and chocolate digestives at a reasonable price.

Boursin cheese, well I found some in Hua Hin last week, but 330 baht for a small pack.

Oh and as you may have guessed from another thread a bit of a wider variety of beer that's not padded with whatever the hell they put in it.

Oh and I don't miss decent sportsbras. One mans trash is another mans treasure.

Arthur - google is your friend for Boursin cheese. Make it yourself, google Boursin cheese recipe.

I've just got my circle of friends and enemies down to a manageable number..........can't be doing with increasing that number again - it just wouldn't make sense.

A jism of hookers.

IB, Indeed! A wonderful opportunity to make merit.