ballpoint

Two old guys, one 80 and the other 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. His 80-year-old buddy was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want five loaves." She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this but me!!.

I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water, until I read the name backwards.

I shouted angrily at a couple sparrows sitting on my garden fence. They both fell off and died. I did not know you could kill two birds with one’s tone.

I asked an elderly bloke why he was using 2 massive frozen chips as walking sticks. He replied 'They're McCains!'

I covered myself in Creosote this morning. I just thought I'd treat myself.

To save money on a coffin, buy a pen from Amazon. And use the box it came in.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump" "My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go" "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".

Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?" Simon: "No mis"