ballpoint

I'm at the age now where the only time I ever get asked for sex is on application forms.

I was sat in the tattoo parlour earlier when a butterfly flew past with a picture of a slag on its wing.

The bad news; my dog bit my wife so I had to have her put down. The good news; I can walk the dog to the pub now without getting nagged when we get home.

I asked my wife if the cup was half full or half empty. She told me: For the last time, stop wearing my bras.

I met this girl at the weekend and took her home to meet my dad. He whispered to me, "Where the fek did you get her from son? She's cross-eyed, bow-legged, and she's got no teeth!" I replied, "There's no need to whisper Dad. She's deaf as well!"

I used to go out with a Welsh girl with 36 double d's. I could never pronounce her name.