gentman

While driving along the back roads of a small town,

two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that

read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured

their rig, which was 12'4".

"What do you think?" one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted

into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a

chance!"

Don't drink and drive.......You might spill it !!

Key Ring: a handy little gadget that allows you to lose

all your keys at once.

Car Alarm: a handy device used to wake up all the neighbours

in the early hours of the morning whenever there is a sudden

gust of wind, or when a car passes.

Roadworks: This much needed service, which replaces worn out

stretches of road surface, often causes long tailbacks of

slow moving and almost static traffic, which in turn wear

out other stretches of road surface, the repairs of which in

turn lead to long tailbacks of slow moving and almost static

traffic, which in......... etc.... etc.... etc.... etc....

The Internet: An ideal way of transferring pornographic

material from one PC to another PC many thousands of miles

away. - There are some other benefits of this invention too,

but they are not really worth bothering with, - something

about communicating with people, expanding knowledge, and

other such nonsense.

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying

to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just

think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up

and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's

a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the

teacher; ...she's dead."

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night,

staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly

woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "God blesses you".

You're going straight to hel*!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts,

"Holy Cow, I'm on the wrong bus!"

A small boy asks his dad "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it.

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call

me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator

of the money, so we'll call her the Government.

We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll

call you the people. The Nanny, we'll consider

her the Working Class. And your baby brother,

we'll call him the Future. Now think about that

and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking

about what Dad has said. Later that night, he

hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up

to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely

soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to

his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Nanny's

room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the

keyhole and sees his father in bed with the Nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his

father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept

of politics now." The father says, "Good, son,

tell me in your own words what you think politics

is all about." The little boy replies, "Well,

while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,

the Government is sound asleep, the people are

being ignored and the Future is in deep doo-doo."

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!"

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.

Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the ###### are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to freaking crash!"

Claudia responds: I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces- which is why I am putting on my make-up."

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!" Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts- which is why I am exposing my tits!"

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her "love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi - Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see??" Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!!"

Two government workers were talking.

"I know how to get some time off from work," said the man.

How do you think you will do that?" asked the blonde.

He proceeded to show her by climbing up to the ceiling rafters, and

hanging upside down. Just then the boss walked in, saw the worker

hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?

I'm a light bulb," answered the guy.

"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped

down and walked out.

The blonde began walking out, too. The boss asked her where did she

think she was going.

"Home. I can't work in the dark."

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly

a kite with his son. However, every time the

kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing

back down.

This goes on for a while, when his wife sticks

her head out of the front door and yells, "You

need more tail."

The father turns to his son and says, "Son,

I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday,

I told her I needed more tail, and she told me

to go fly a kite!"

A woman bought two pet parrots. At the store,

the birds were very polite as they spoke to the

store owner and the woman. But, when she brought

the parrots home, all they said was "Hi, we're

prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

The woman went to see her priest to ask for

his advice. "My dear," the priest starts, "All

your parrots need is to be around more well behaved

parrots. Take my parrots for example. All they

do all day is pray the rosary. Why don't you

bring your parrots and we'll put them in the

cage together for a couple of hours?"

The woman agreed and brought her parrots by

later that day. The priest put the foul-mouthed

birds in with his own. "Hi, We're prostitutes.

Wanna have some fun?"

One of the priest's parrots turned to the other

and said, "Stop praying, Clarence, our prayers

have been answered!"

There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propogated

through the email system. If you get an email message with the

subject: "VIRUS ALERT!" do not open the mail message. If you do, the

virus scrambles the second half of every text file on your system.

VERY IMPORTANT: If you do get this virus, the first thing dlkfjaid

dfdjas nairb gfdq40wt yaj asdfsdg dluog av da[agj asdfajpg as

dflasidffnm asd difvu asdfa vgoiae vdsofj we dasdf 9efm sd dag0 g

adf as dg 0vbwe ads gwefawe ads vewerwe dsf!

"How is it you can't get a lawyer to defend you?"

the judge asked the prisoner.

"Well, your Honor, it's like this...as soon as

those lawyers found out I didn't steal the money,

they wouldn't have anything to do with me."

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her

neighbour's garden, which had beautiful brighted tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice

each day, in the morning and in the evening, Iexpose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment." Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice

daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbour stopped by to check her progress. "So", he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?" "No", she replied excitedly... "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

This guy called up his lawyer to tell him he was filing for

divorce, and the lawyer inquired as to the grounds for the

suit.

"I've got grounds, all right," sputtered the irate husband.

"Can you believe my wife told me I'm a lousy lover?"

"That's why you're suing?" pursued his lawyer.

"Of course not. I'm suing because she knows the difference."

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"

Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny, I will not." "But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies. "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."

A lady went to an auction and was smitten by a beautiful parrot for sale

and decided that she must own this gorgeous bird! When the bird

came up for sale, the auctioneer asked, "How much am I bid for this

parrot?"

The lady bid "Seven hundred dollars".

"Eight hundred!" someone countered.

"Eight hundred fifty!" the lady shouted.

The bidding continued this way until finally the lady found herself the

proud owner of an parrot for $1500.

She approached the auctioneer and asked him, "Can the bird talk?"

The auctioneer replied, "Lady, who do you think was bidding against you"

An American teacher is teaching history about the US Presidents. The

teacher asked: Which president said, 'Without freedom, I would rather

die.'

~~Silent~~

A girl suddenly raised her hand and replied: "Jeferson, 1777."

The teacher then asked another question: Which president said, 'Of the

people, by the people, for the people.'

~~Silent~~

That same girl raised her hand again and replied "Lincoln, 1884."

The teacher turns back to write something on the blackboard, and a boy

in the class whispered at that girl: "Shut up! Bitch!" The teacher hears the whispering, turns her head back & asked "Who said that?"

~~Silent~~

That same girl raised her hand again and replied: "Clinton, 1998"

There were 11 women hanging from a single rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blondes; the other was a brunette. They all decided that their situation was dangerous and one of them should get off the rope. If one didn't, the rope would break, and they would all perish. No one could decide who should go, so finally, the brunette said, "I'll get off." After a really touching speech from the brunette saying goodbye and how proud she was to make this sacrifice, all of the blondes started clapping.

1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming to high.

2. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've got sick of him.

4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

5. A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.

7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

8. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -- "don't" and "stop" (but not used together).

9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.

11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.

12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a women.

13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving --they'd be wrong but you could still use them!

14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent -- but they make great pets!

15. Mens brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.

16. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

At work, you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.

At work, you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.

At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work, you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the

doors yourself.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.

At work, you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison you get your own toilet.

At work you have to share.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.

At work you are just balled-and-chained.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.

At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside

wanting to get out.

At work, you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.

At work, there are some programs of which you never can get out.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.

At work, we have managers.