Popular Post Andrew Dwyer Posted July 31, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted July 31, 2019 Not sure if that’s what I want [emoji848] 2 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post WorriedNoodle Posted July 31, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted July 31, 2019 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 11 minutes ago, WorriedNoodle said: Who's the cartoonist, got anymore? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post ballpoint Posted July 31, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted July 31, 2019 With all this talk of changing immigration requirements, I'm thinking of moving to Switzerland. Sure, it's expensive, cold and sterile, but the flag is a big plus. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post scottiejohn Posted July 31, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted July 31, 2019 A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that its okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." (You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.) 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post scottiejohn Posted July 31, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted July 31, 2019 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post scottiejohn Posted July 31, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted July 31, 2019 My mate just rang me in tears. His wife has left him, taken his Bob Marley collection and tne satellite dish! Poor bastard No woman, no sky! 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 (edited) My car keys weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then, some time later I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen." There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." He retorted, "I will; just as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!" Edited July 31, 2019 by scottiejohn Font problem Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrew Dwyer Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 When these two meet you know it’s gonna be one hell of a night !! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 2 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said: When these two meet you know it’s gonna be one hell of a night !! Where is that professional toilet paper when you need it? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post WorriedNoodle Posted July 31, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted July 31, 2019 5 hours ago, faraday said: Who's the cartoonist, got anymore? @stephffart on twitter. Here's another of late: 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Andrew Dwyer Posted July 31, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted July 31, 2019 I know ice cream is bad for you , but really !! 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Andrew Dwyer Posted July 31, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted July 31, 2019 I was in Subway the other day, i asked the girl to make me a sandwich and she said “ yeah, no problem “I turned to the girlfriend and said “ see, how hard was that “ !!I get the stitches removed next week [emoji20] 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WorriedNoodle Posted August 1, 2019 Share Posted August 1, 2019 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WorriedNoodle Posted August 1, 2019 Share Posted August 1, 2019 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ballpoint Posted August 1, 2019 Share Posted August 1, 2019 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post ballpoint Posted August 1, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted August 1, 2019 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted August 1, 2019 Share Posted August 1, 2019 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted August 1, 2019 Share Posted August 1, 2019 Two simple lads were working in the sawmill when Jack accidentally cut his arm off. As quick as lightening his mate, Pete, put it in a plastic bag and rushed them both to hospital. After four hours the brilliant surgeon had sewn the arm back on and within 3 months Jack was as good as new. That winter Jack was so cold, his concentration slipped and he cut off his right leg. Quick as a flash Pete wrapped up the leg in a plastic bag and rushed them to hospital. Although the operation was more difficult, the surgeon, once again, miraculously attached the leg back to Jack's body and after 6 months he had fully recovered. The months went by until one day Jack fell asleep at work and cut his head off. Ready for every emergency, Pete got the head in a plastic bag and rushed them to hospital. "This is a very difficult operation" said the surgeon "it's touch and go." He told Pete to come back the following morning to see how things were progressing. The next day Pete arrived at the hospital and met a very serious looking surgeon. "I'm sorry, your friend didn't make it." Grief stricken, Pete replied, "I know you did all you could doc, but you did warn me it might not work." "Oh it wasn't the operation" said the surgeon, "that was successful, but Jack had suffocated in the plastic bag. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post scottiejohn Posted August 1, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted August 1, 2019 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post scottiejohn Posted August 1, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted August 1, 2019 Two nuns were walking back to the convent late at night when they saw a suspicious man coming towards them. "Quick" whispered one of the nuns. "Show him your cross and he may leave us alone." "Good idea," replied the other and raising her voice as loud as possible she said as angrily as she could "<deleted>&k off, you little b*stard or I'll get my Father after you." 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted August 1, 2019 Share Posted August 1, 2019 (edited) Edited August 1, 2019 by scottiejohn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted August 1, 2019 Share Posted August 1, 2019 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted August 1, 2019 Share Posted August 1, 2019 My wife arrived back from her driving test. "So," I asked excitedly, "how did you get on? "Not good," she replied. *Tie failed me. N0 dear!" I said sympathetically. "It can't be that bad; what did he pull you up on?" "A rope," she replied. "The car's still in the river." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrew Dwyer Posted August 1, 2019 Share Posted August 1, 2019 This is always worth a try !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Andrew Dwyer Posted August 1, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted August 1, 2019 Just need more practice !! 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post chickenslegs Posted August 1, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted August 1, 2019 I've decided I need to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough. I've just handed in my too weak notice. My friend Steve drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted. Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen. I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case. Where did Noah keep his bees? In the Ark hives. The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week. There was no coffin at the funeral. I just had a near-sex experience... My wife flashed before my eyes. My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord. I, for one, like Roman numerals. Someone was killed with a starting pistol today. Police think it may be race-related. I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row. They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts. 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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