Inlaw woes!

[bryanjackson]

If you're married to a thai woman[or have a TGF], you must surely have experienced the 'plobrems' with the family.  Moma and Papa [and others] always need $$!! We help what we can, but when does it stop?? Papa is a drunk and Moma is a gambler and both think i'm the walking ATM machine, with unlimited funds to disperse to help the whole family and ban.  

But at some point, you have to draw the line or they will squeeze you like a stone.  

i married a thai woman with 2 kids and am supporting them in a decent style and naturally they are my first priority.  But, her family wants more than i can give.  sadly, it puts her in the middle and she is stressing out because of the pressure to help Moma/Papa.  how do i say no?? or do i just spend my life savings until papa drinks himself to death and moma gambles it all away?? any thoughts on this??

[wolf5370]

Do you live near them (your in-laws)?

One way is simply to move.

If you don't live near them, then make youself the bad guy. This is the easiest way out for your wife too. If she earns no money herself, and you refuse to give her any (as far as the in-laws are concerned) then let them grumble. In-laws like this are like blackmailers, they emotionally blackmail their daughter into 'helping' them, and as blackmailers, the demands do not stop, but get worse.

If you must, give your wife a small sum to send each month, and then simply tell her to tell her parents that you said 'no more'.

While you give it, they will take it. While they think you have more (and many think we have unlimited funds somehow) they will demand more. Your wife's upbringing and culture will not allow her to say 'no more' to her parents, so you (as an ignorant farang) say it instead.

[Thetyim]

Bryan,

You must listen to what Wolf has just said.

Your life will be ruined if you just keep on giving.

Thailand is a very difficult place, if you try and be a nice generous person the family will use you, if you want to survive you must be hard.

Your marriage will undoubtedly go a bit bumpy if you stop giving to the family, but you are heading for the rocks if you continue.

[dazdaz]

If you give money to beggers, they ask for more.  Yes, even family can become beggers.

By not giving them money, your teaching them how to spend carefully, else how will they learn in the future, if they've never learnt all their life.

If the wife thinks she married the ATM and not you, then show her there are many other beautiful women who are more appreciative than you. She'll either snap into shape, or go even further into the greed role.  If that happens, then that's who she really is, and you should ask yourself if you really want a wife like that or not.  Does she really love you, or does she love to abuse your hard earned money.

Don't take any strop, else people will walk all over you.  Take a harsh army sergeant perspective and you'll get on ok.

Do I sound harsh?  This is the same the world over, Thailand is no different imho, it's merely human nature.  Make a stand today, else people will abuse you and take advantage of you in every way.  They've found a weakness and are exploiting you.

I expect some flames for this, but I think see nothing wrong.  Yes Thailand has some very poor people, but nor are you a registered charity. Show some compassion sure, but be very careful how you do it.  Ways to do this could be done by buying them some food every so often, making sure they know you've donated money to charity, helped the local Buddhist temple reconstruction project etc.  Help them get educated to get a proper job.

If you give them money and they buy alcohol, drugs etc with it, are you really helping them, or making them worse off.

Of course the wife will get grumpy, scream etc, but so can you.  Men seemed scared of a woman screaming, especially Thai women, but hear my roar, it may be seem as bad behaviour by the Thai's, but it's much louder and is sometimes required  

Don't forget the family is the center of their perspective so know that whilst you may say no to money, show some understanding, appreciation and compassion.

I sometimes wonder if money does not solve problems, only creates them.  Well that's my take on things.

Regards  

[dazdaz]

Here's an extreme solution that i've just thought of. I don't personally agree with it, but others may...

Make an Excel spreadsheet of her parents income.  They've survived all their life, why has their income gone down, or their expenses increased as soon as you married her, hehe.

With this spreadsheet you can make sure your not being cheated, and contribute a small percentage say each quarter.  Then you have a good idea of what's really going on.

*Any* "abuse" to the expense account and your charity stops forever.  Let me repeat that so it's clear.  Any cheating of the spreadsheet and that's it for life, no more money.

I can't see it working and I certainly would'nt want to do it,  but if you show that you trust them, they take away that trust which will probably happen, sorry folks that's generalised human nature, then you have a good case for no more payouts, they will feel guilty and are less likely to hassle you because of their guilt in betraying you.

I never knew I was such a cynic.

Regards :laugh:

[Dah fahrang]

two simple words - "m'ai mee" worked absolute wonders in my case.

The family got the message, without loss of face on any side.

[jayenram]

Although I split up with my Thai wife almost 2 years ago, her relations still occasionally call round asking for money (albeit small amounts). I just say "mai" to which I usually get the response "mai-mee?" My final comment is "mai mai-mee - mai". This usually does the trick.

[ajahnlau]

Yes, quickly go to the laser clinic and remove the ATM tatoo on your forehead. It's much easier to ask the farang for money than solve the problems as they did before you came into the picture. Sit the wife down and ask what did they do before you arrived? Then explain your first priority is to her and the kids, maybe a small amount every couple months could be sent to help with the sick buffalo. Stand firm as they will not stop unless you stop it.

[bryanjackson]

Thanks guys,  your replies are obviously filled with wisdom and there seems to be the general consensus that they did get along without us before we came into the picture. and it's true that like any beggars, any cash out will only bring their hands for more.  the hard reality is that they pressure their daughters to do the begging and it does make it hard on them.  my wife looses a lot of sleep knowing that 'the buffalo is sick"  and i truly feel sorry for her being in the middle and having that cultural pressure to milk the falang.

thanks again