Monday Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is preparing a meal and says:

"Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I look to see what it is, you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?"

The startled mother recovers quickly and says:

"Your dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."

The little kid just shakes his head and says:

"Mom, you're wasting your time."

The mother says:

"Why is that, dear?"

The kid says:

"Because, once a week, that nice-looking lady next door comes over and blows daddy right back up!"

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand repeatedly came through the window but never harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just experienced.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and ?... wasn't drunk.

Suddenly two other people walked into the same pub. They, like John, were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce!? There's that ######ing idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had!?"

Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie engineer are all working together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total" says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." POOOOFF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Israel, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious state." POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Aussie Engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable." The Aussie Engineer sits down, cracks a beer, smiles and says, "Fill it with water..."

Two mates were leaning on the bar having a beer when one of them , Larry, says:

"You know, Eric, when I was 18 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands, when I was 25, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard and was sober, by the time I was 35, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem even if I had a few drinks. I'm 48 next week and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand, even when I'm pissed as a newt."

"So," Eric says "What's your point?" Well replies Larry "the point is, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm going to get."

A 10 -year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up

beside him and its window was wound down. "I'll give you a bag of

lollies if you get in the car," said the driver.

"No way, get stuffed!!" replied the boy.

How about a bag of lollies and $10?" The driver asked.

I said no way!" Replied the irritated youngster.

What about a bag of juicy lollies and $50, eh?" Quizzed the driver,

still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No! I'm not getting in the frickin' car!" Answered the boy.

"Okay, okay. I know what you want. I'll give you $100 and a bag of

lollies," the driver offered.

"No!" Screamed the boy.

"What will it take to get you into the car?" Asked the driver with a

long sigh.....

The boy replied:

"Listen Dad, you bought the bloody Volvo, you live with it!"