I Just Bought Myself A Taser

[peter991]

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend on Beach Road, Pattaya, I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun, adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of

electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to mye what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,

thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hel_l!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the ceiling fan. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

[sceadugenga]

Som nom nar. Hope you threw it away, just imagine if you'd upset the Mrs and she'd zapped you with it. Don't worry about the giblets, I've heard severe electric shock causes permanent impotence any way.

[Juzrelax]

That is hillarious, good on ya. Cough*noob*cough

[colino]

nice one

i got a buzz off one of those mozzy rackets that was bad enough

[paulsmithson]

Made my own in the Uk where they are illegal. wanted to test it---How---no use finding out that it did not work when it was needed.

Easy answer===a local drunk at turning out time----it did work!!!!

[lazeeboy]

nice one

i got a buzz off one of those mozzy rackets that was bad enough

that was <deleted> great ,the laughter brought tears to my eyes ,its so good its got to be true

[Nongwahyay]

I´ve often thought of using one on howling dogs...........but I suppose the difficulty would be getting near enough to apply it before the critter bites me............. or has anyone tried this?????? (oh oh.....here come the animal lovers..... )

[stiggy]

Dont ever buy a gun.........................

My friend had a similar experience with a bark collar he brought for his dog,funniest thinf i have ever seen.

[skipvice]

seen that joke a couple of years ago, but still funny

[Crow Boy]

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

<snip>

Last weekend on Beach Road, Pattaya, I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun, adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

This story is funny everytime it is posted up here

taser story by Martin

taser story by Crow Boy

taser story by Brahmburgers

CB