Tricky situation

[nikkiDK]

Can I cope with everything spiritually?

I (Thai/F) live with my Farang boyfriend for almost 3 years (the Dane) and we would like to get married next year. I live & work in Danmark and seem like I'm going to spend the rest of my life here. My boyfriend is an engineer and he almost never home 'cuz of his job. That is not really bother me since I'm also busy with my work. My problem is.. I never trusted him. Time to time I check his private e-mail, his mobil phone, his computer ....and anything that I can just to see if he has the other woman. He knew all about that, I told him and that's pissed him off.

I have a reason not to trust him because when I just moved into his place (we met in Denmark) I found out that he has some other girlfriends, one in Romanie, one in Canada and one in Spain. He told me they are his ex-girlfriends and he wants to be with me but he used to spend times with some of them after we live together for 3-4 months. (I found pictures)

One of his ex-g/f called me 3-4 times. She was so mean and disregards my relationship with him. She wanted my b/f to move to Canada but my b/f never wanted to.

The other problem is my b/f is a heavy wine lover. He drinks a lot and we can't communicate when he's drunk.

I feel uncomfortable with the situation and aware that we will soon break up. I want to be with him and still want to be his future wife but the situation is driving me crazy. How can I learn to trust him? Can he stop drinking? etc... all those questions are running around in my head and I can't find the answers!!!

Does anyone know the tricks?

[maxpower]

If you feel this way now it could be ten times worse in a year or when you are married. Lifes too short, get out now if you feel uncomfortable. On the other hand you might be wrong and find this guy is 100% faithful but I wouldnt bet too much on it if like me he travels a lot.

[Thetyim]

Nikki,

You cannot learn to trust someone and you cannot force yourself to trust someone.

Your BF must earn trust which he has not done so far.

You will have to talk it through when he is sober, I assume that he is sober sometimes.

Failing that then you may have to follow Max's advice

[pnustedt]

Max is right - get a life and dump that loser! It's tough but you cannot carry on like this. If you believe he is unfaithful he almost certainly is.

[PhillipJ]

You can't change a man, trust me - my wife has been trying to change me for years but I can't do it.

Bump the boozer, plenty more fish in the sea, just watch out you don't hook another shark

[mrentoul]

Leave him, but take his fine-wine collection fist, and give it to the milkman.

Better yet, leave a bottle on every doorstep in the street. It'll be the most exercise he's had in ages.

[Wei]

Trust ur instinct.

[D80]

NikkiDK,

I agree with most replies.  All of us have good side and bad side.  In a relationship, if the bad side is more than we can bear, it won't work smoothly.

If he has not been trustworthy, then it is difficuly for you to 'learn' to trust him, unless you go int denial which is not good for you.

Really sit down and talk about it if you have not done so.  If you have seriously talked about it before without any response from him, then walk away now.  It will get even more complicated when you are married (and worse if you have kids in the future).

[nikkiDK]

Thanks to all for advices.

We talked about the problems but never have enough time to find the solutions. He is now on his business trip again. (Last month, I saw his face less than a week) One of my friends suggested that I should find a secret lover than I won't feel lonely in the relationship. Unfortunately, I believe in monogamy.

What I'm doing is concentrate on my works and am trying enjoy my life. I promiss myself that I will never cry if it's over. (after that I shall take all his fine wine collection with me and have a party)

[Boo]

Come on all you guys out there looking for a "decent Thai woman" NikkiDK is bearing her soul here. Someone make her an offer to dry her tears, she's sounds like the one some of you have been after all this time.

Nikki, dump this guy, his drinking, cheating & emotional abuse are not what you need (& yes being ignored is emotional abuse), remember, you deserve more from life than this.

[Brian]

Come on all you guys out there looking for a "decent Thai woman"

Good idea, but unfortunately she's in Denmark.

nikkiDK,

Have a huge party while he's away. Let him come home to an empty house, full of empty wine bottles...

Chok dee

[Thetyim]

Nikki,

What is your visa/work permit situation ??

If you split up can you remain working in Denmark or will you have to return to Thailand.

And forget all the retaliation suggestions, it will  not make you feel any better in the long term.

[nikkiDK]

Thetyim,

I don't need a visa cuz' I have "opholdstilladelse" (a permanent resident) and I have rights to work/live and to apply for Dansk Statsborgere. Since I spent 3 years studying in a university (we call it Design Skolen) and the government paid for my education like for other Danish students so they won't kick me out as long as I don't commit a crime and still pay taxes. I like it here. The systems makes our lifes a lot more easier.

::

[Thetyim]

OK, that makes things a lot easier .

You like Denmark and can stay there but are not happy with your BF.

You have not been together for all your lives and you managed without him before, and you think you can leave without crying.

I think you have already made up your mind what you must do.  You just need the final push to start you packing your bags. All the postings here are agreed.

Enjoy a single life.

[Charlie]

Dear Nikki, You are a good girl..... you deserve a good and loving husband. Forget this unfaithful joker.

A loving man is waiting for you..... he is there.

Be patient..... " You are will be found "  It's a matter of time.

You will eventually find him.

" Love is a many splendoured thing " Best of luck to you.

Regards,

Charlie.

[Wei]

What Charlie wrote is sooooo sweeetttt.... i guess it applies to all the girls in the same situation hey....  :laugh:

[Edward B]

we would like to get married next year.

Steady on fellas. Nikki, seems to me that your bf just needs a good slap around the head, a wake up call. If you really both intend to get married (I assume the feeling is mutual) then why wait until next year? So he's had a few girlfriends in the past. Who hasn't? It's not a crime. Nikki, I wouldn't be drinking all his wine just yet. Give it more time. Talk to him. What was his reaction when he found you snooping around (besides being pissed off)? Did he feel/look guilty? Did he try a bit harder to make you feel more loved? Does he do little things that make you feel happy? Think about all these things and then make a rational decision.

Forget this unfaithful joker.

Unfaithful? If you have proof then by all means leave him (and take the wine). Otherwise, you'll be sorry and might regret it for the rest of your life.

:cool:

[chuang]

Hi Nikki, all relationships are not a bed of roses or living happily ever after. They tend to have ups and downs and you hve to look at your problems seriously. We readers can only give you opinions and advices but in the end you and only you can make a decision.

You said you never trusted him and are awared your relationship wiil soon break off. You must love this Dane very much as you said you still want to be with him and be his future wife. He got pissed-off when you raised the subject of his other girfriends.

Nikki, one advantage you have over other women is that you have a job and I presume you are financially indepandent.

Well, to leave him or not, if you feel that you love him and willing to share him with other girls (I am sure there will be more girls in future), by all means stay with him even though you 'never trusted him' and if you think love is all that matters. Some men like to spread their love, to 'mia noi'.

On the other hand, both of you have discussed but no solutions. Do you think you can trust him with his answers and promises. You are living with him and yet he is having affairs with other women, can you take this emotional abuse.

If you don't trust him and 'aware will soon break up', I agree as what other readers have suggested, LEAVE HIM.

But no secret lover as suggested by your friend, there are many sober souls out here full of love, trust and sincerity waiting.............Good luck Nikki..

[nikkiDK]

Talk to him. What was his reaction when he found you snooping around (besides being pissed off)? Did he feel/look guilty? Did he try a bit harder to make you feel more loved? Does he do little things that make you feel happy?

Good questions! Yes, he did feel guitly. He said it's hard for him when he is out travelling. Sometime he has to work over 10 hours/day with different people around. After the ends of the long working days, he sits at restaurants alone and drinking and often girls comes to him. He calls me evey day while he is away. He also gave me an access to his bank accounts. He wants me to feel that he trust me and we are partners. In gerneral when he is home we do have good times (or try to). He remembers all small details about what I like or dislike like what kind of colours, foods, books etc.  and...bra..bra..bra..

Those things makes me feel a bit difficult since I know that he loves me (in his own way). If I don't feel that way I will never have to think this much than I just leave.  

It never been easy when 2 souls lives together. We are totally different. Do you ever feel tired with relationship that takes all energy out of you?

Anyway, life is wonderful. I love it. The weather in Denmark is so good today. I better go to the beach.  :cool:

[D80]

Well, I've been through some rough patches with my partner although it is because of different things than trust.

I agree that relationship is something you have to work at together.  So, if everything else is ok, apart from his long bussiness trip, can you and him not do anything about that?  I mean what will happen when you and him get married?  Will he still be going on long trips like that all the time?  From what you've been saying, it seems as if the problem is that you two never really have time to spend with each other although you both want to.

If your relationship has reached such a point that marriage has been seriously discussed, then a lifestlye changed may be something to consider.  Could he minimise his long trip?  Could you go with him sometimes (that would be more difficult, I know)?  When he's around, do you spend precious time together and how?  These could be the solution.  This is not asking him to give up his job or anything.  But is there anyway to compromise?  That's what partners fo all the time, afterall.

If all these things are not an option, will you be able to cope like this for the rest of your life?  Also, with the infidelity on his part as well (assuming he's really been fooling around)?  

Hope things work out for you.

[nikkiDK]

....it seems as if the problem is that you two never really have time to spend with each other although you both want to.

D80

You are talking!! that's right. We used to talk about moving to Thailand. He once tried to find a job in Bangkok. On my side moving to Thailand is easy for me. We can get good jobs but he doesn't like to live there. Thailand isn't his cup of tea. He never wanted to learn anything about Thailand. All he knows about Thais is "Kra-tey".   He can't stand Bangkok more than 2 days but Bangkok was my home.  

He will always travel. That's his life style. I like to be on my own as well. My work is also important for me. I once went with him on the business trip..shit!! (sorry) that's killing me. It's so boring. So, I never wanted to try again.  

I will for sure talk to him and find the solution. He agrees that after this trip he will take some days off and we will spend times together and talk about our (or my) problems without any wines. Let's see if he can.

I appreciate your advices, keep posting me.

[LPCustom69]

Hey NikkiDK -- Things seldom go the way we think they should. I don't think you gave your ages, but as a lot of the guys will attest, we weren't as wise as we thought when we were young. The grass always seemed greener elsewhere. It's later when you realize the ladies you blew it with. I imagine this will be what happens to him later in life. There is always time to make someone you care about happy and their life seem better. You seem like a good lady. If he doesn't get it together someday he'll be writing you poetry exclaiming his love, but it may be too late. IE: Sometimes I didn't understand -- What you were trying to do-- I know it's not the way we planned -- But I've always wanted you ---- If you're happy where you are -- Then you don't have to go too far -- You were the woman of my dreams -- I lose again, or so it seems.  OR  When I needed you, you weren't there -- Why should I even believe you'd care -- You said you'd love me anywhere -- Without you I just sit and stare ---- Life is not always black and white -- Why does darkness block my sight -- Life has made me pay a price too steep -- Our memories are piled in a heap ---- There's no way to count the tears -- That have fallen through the years -- Parting is not sweet sorrow -- Today is just yesterdays tomorrow!! See it doesn't take long, so remember:  Time may pass but love is pure, some things don't last, but my love will endure. Some things in life I've already forgot, I've lost you twice, please forget me not! You know I love you and I always will, If you forget me, I will love you still!   Smile nikkiDK, because if you don't take control, you'll be lonely when you're old.

:cool:

[nikkiDK]

LPcustom69

Thanks for your post but I'm too old for those poems and I believe that he won't write any poems for me. That's sweet anyway!

By the way, my heart is not broken (I hate those words and I don't cry my tears. I'm as strong as an ox.. ha ha) I just want the relationship works in the long run and want to understand a man in my life and so men in general. Whatever will be, will be .... but before that I must find the best solution.

"never run after bus, train or man as one leaves another one arrives" words from my grand mother.

[LPCustom69]

Your grandmother was a wise woman. Good luck.