Why having an affair could save your marriage

By Laura Clout Last Updated: 12:16AM BST 09/06/2008

Having an affair can help to save a struggling marriage, according to a new, controversial self-help book.

Mira Kirshenbaum, who has over 30 years' experience as a marriage therapist, says the 'right kind' of affair can be a positive thing, acting to "jolt people from their inertia".

The author of When Good People Have Affairs, published this week, argues that because society has so far failed to have a sympathetic discussion of infidelity, the positive sides of cheating have been ignored.

However, she insists that most cheating spouses should never own up, because revealing the infidelity is more damaging than keeping quiet.

http://' target="_blank">"Sometimes an affair can be the best way for the person who has been unfaithful to get the information and impetus to change," she told The Observer.

"I'm not encouraging affairs, but underlying the complicated mess is a kind of deep and delicate wisdom. It's an insight that something isn't working and needs to change."

Most philanderers are good, kind people, she argues, who are seeking real happiness and love.

Ms Kirshenbaum, clinical director of the Chestnut Hill Institute, a psychotherapy and research centre in Boston, Massachusetts, says her book is not aimed at 'creeps' who think they can cheat with impunity, but at decent people who know they have made a mistake.

"These people are suffering terribly and need to be relieved of their sense of guilt and shame because those emotions are paralysing," she said.

"If handled right, an affair can be therapeutic, give clarity and jolt people from their inertia," she said.

"You could think of it as a radical but necessary medical procedure. If your marriage is in cardiac arrest, an affair can be a defibrillator."

But she is convinced that an adulterer must never confess, not even if their partner asks directly.

"This is the one area in which the truth usually creates far more damage in the long run," she said.

"If you care that much about honesty, figure out who you want to be with, commit to that relationship and devote the rest of your life to making it the most honest relationship you can."

Her sympathetic approach to cheats has been criticised by some of her peers.

Phillip Hodson, fellow of the British Association for Counsellors and Psychotherapists said: "We mustn't underestimate the immediate grief caused by an affair.

"The last thing people want to hear if their partner has had an affair is any sympathy offered to the person who they feel has betrayed them, and acted like a snake in the grass.

"However, when they look back in five or ten years, they might take a different view.

"Maybe this book goes too far, but we do need to take a sociological view of affairs. To think, 'what are we going to do about them?' rather than to say 'it can't happen', when it clearly does."

daily telegraph.

As fishing adventures go, this one should invite a variety of bites.

I think the problem lies in rampant jealosy and possessiveness that people foist on one another.

Rather than studying affairs, how about trying to understand why humans are so insecure that they cannot stand on their won two feet as individuals even, or especially, when in a relationship?

Monogamy is an invention that is contrary to our nature and one that has not benefitted mankind all that much - as we will see from the following comments...

Rather than studying affairs, how about trying to understand why humans are so insecure that they cannot stand on their won two feet as individuals even, or especially, when in a relationship?

Monogamy is an invention that is contrary to our nature and one that has not benefitted mankind all that much - as we will see from the following comments...

...which is why I'm hesitant to reply. Someone had to write a book about human nature regarding affairs and lying? I was made aware of this when I was 12 and waiting at a bus stop.

My wife and I flirted like nobody's business.

We would get home from a party as horny as.

Unbelievable sex, ya wanna try it.

Reckon it made our marriage stronger, seeing each other in summun elses company almost getting it off.

We often had to leave parties to have a quick bonk to relieve pressure, fabulous sex, no infidelity.

Should be obligatory, yaaaaaaaas.

Edited June 9, 200818 yr by Zpete

I feel better already.

Edited June 9, 200818 yr by farang prince

Me too.

A lot of affairs work really well...until you get caught!