Tourettes

[ChiefMonkey]

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive

restaurant town.

Where's the pissing, motherfuc_king manager, you cocksucking <deleted>?', he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies,'Excuse me sir but could

you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will

get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the

chicken-fuc_king manager of this bastard place?'

'Yes sir, I am,' replies the manager, 'but I would prefer it if

you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private

restaurant'.

'fuc_k off' replies the bloke 'and where's the fuc_king piano?'

'Pardon?' says the manager.

'fuc_king deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of shit,

show me your cunting piano.'

'Ah,' replies the manager, 'you've come about the pianist job' and

shows the

bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?'

'Of course I fuc_king can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most

inspiring

and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever

heard.

"That's superb. What's it called?'

'I tried to shag yer missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting

my

dick,'

replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz.

The

bloke

proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever

heard.

'Magnificent,' cries the manager. 'What's it called?'

'I Wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught

in

the

soap drawer'.

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic

ballads.

The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has

ever

heard,

'And what's this called?' asks the manager.

As I fuc_k you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your

hairy

ring-piece,' replies the bloke

The manager is highly upset by the language but offers him

the

job on

condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any

of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night,

sitting

opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes

on.

She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost

falling out

the top of her black lace bra,and the skimpy little 'G'string she's

wearing is

doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting there

with

her

legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the

butter is

dripping down her chin.

The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents

to

furiously masturbate.

So he's tugging away vigorously when he hears the

manager's

voice.

'Where's that bastard pianist?'

He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back

to

the

piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and

starts

playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the

piano,

leans over and whispers

in his ear, 'Do you know your knob and <deleted> are hanging out

your

trousers

and dripping spunk on your shoes?'

The bloke replies 'Know it? I fuc_king wrote it.'