Married To An Alcoholic Farang

[mydrawingtable]

I am currently definitely married to an alcoholic Farang.

I can’t blame anyone but myself for where I am in life at this time. I made the choice to marry him. Do I regret it? Yes, because I do wish to have a wonderful husband. I now know I wasn’t prepared for this kind of life. Will it improve? Only time will tell, but as at this moment, I am having serious doubts. His drinking is only getting worse, because he believes that there is no one that can tell him what to do, he will do what he wants when he wants and he doesn’t care who it hurts or what it does to him.

When I know him in year 2000, his drinking was only in weekends but currently he gets drunk every night. After his first glass of wine, any subject I bring up, anything from why I like my job, my friends etc, he throws back at me in a mean drunken way about whatever I said was awful, hurtful, wrong, stupid etc. I get to suffer through marathon verbal dialogues with a drunk husband about everything. All I can do at that point is apologize for whatever I said, tell him that whatever I said was absolutely wrong, etc, I say what ever it takes and I lie a lot, in order to get him to shut up and go to sleep. I have kept quiet about any of my "problems, issues, anger" towards him because I know after he is drunk whatever logical discussion we had during the day will turn into a war at night. But as most women who are married to an alcoholic will tell you, when he is not drinking, you couldn’t ask for a better husband, but when he is, it’s a whole different world.

I’m now leaving my life like a panic dog. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the next minute. This is not a healthy relationship and I sick of it.

Next Sunday is our one year anniversary, I’ll confront him and he must choose between me and alcohol. My bags are packed and the ticket to Thailand is confirmed. If he chooses alcohol all I have to do is to say good bye.

Wish me luck.

The unhappy Thai wife.

[ajahnlau]

Why not try the local AA. They can help you and him. Good Luck.

[ProfessorFart]

Have you tried to find out the reasons why he has become alcohol dependent? It could well help. Walking out on him, unless you really have no other course of action, will solve nothing.

[Boon Mee]

George W. Bush is also an alcoholic who took the "12 Steps" and look where he is now.

[itsme]

Have you tried to find out the reasons why he has become alcohol dependent? It could well help. Walking out on him, unless you really have no other course of action, will solve nothing.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I agree with prof fart try to understand where the problem stands before you take drastic decisions....does your hubby work?

[dereklev]

George W. Bush is also an alcoholic who took the "12 Steps" and look where he is now.

You see there is always the one that AA cannot help.

To the OP you clearly have had enough of your husband and are ready to go home.

Be aware that confronting an alcoholic will probably not give you the response you need. He will lie, tell you he will change etc. and then very soon it will be back to how it is now.

If you want to save your marriage get him to go to AA. Not sure if Denmark has Al-Anon but they are there for you and can help you understand his problems.

Chok Dee.

[frodo]

Why ask him what is causing it? Alcoholism is a disease. Having years of experience counselling people with chemical dependency and being 12-years clean and sober myself, the O/P would open herself to a bigger barrage of abuse. Yes, she is being abused, which is typical in dysfunctional relationships. She can ask, he'll maybe sober up for a moment, tell a sad tale or two, give blame to someone or something, things may cool for a bit, but when the "honeymoon" phase is over, it'll repeat itself again, sometimes even worse. The issue of control is normally a major factor amongst many others.

he believes that there is no one that can tell him what to do, he will do what he wants when he wants and he doesn’t care who it hurts or what it does to him.

Typical behavior. I'm in control and nobody can ever tell me what to do. Easy does it.

any subject I bring up, anything from why I like my job, my friends etc, he throws back at me in a mean drunken way about whatever I said was awful, hurtful, wrong, stupid etc. I get to suffer through marathon verbal dialogues with a drunk husband about everything.

Trust me, you'll be blamed for the drinking as well. The alcoholic needs that wishful thinking of control and power. This is cleary mental abuse. Get out before it gets worse. He'll continue to try to control you and make you take the blame. When that happens you'll become the co-dependent. Making excuses for his own selfishness, making excuses for everything that he does, while feeling horrible deep down. He's already setting you up for his failure and misery.

I’ll confront him and he must choose between me and alcohol. My bags are packed and the ticket to Thailand is confirmed. If he chooses alcohol all I have to do is to say good bye.

Be careful. He will choose you! Life may seem great for awhile, we call this the honeymoon stage. But, until he realizes and deals with his own problems first, it will not go away. He'll need A.A and for yourself, Al-Anon. Al-Anon is for family of alcoholics to help them with co-dependency issues. "He say's it's my fault, and I think it is," sort of thing. If he will not go, makes excuses, lays blame on you...get the heck out. I've seen too many cases where verbal abuse was the norm followed by severe physical abuse (the circle will start again, the apology, the roses and nice dinners, followed by more abuse). Don't compromise your position. No alcohol means no alcohol, period. "One is too many, 10 is never enough."

Good for you for posting about your husbands problem. It's not yours, it doesn't belong to you. If you accept it, then it's yours as well and that will never be healthy for you. Seek help. It's free and you'll get better.

I wish you luck.

Edited May 29, 2005 by frodo

[maerim]

Why not try the local AA. They can help you and him. Good Luck.

Yes the Automobile Association are very good but I use the Royal Automobile Club when in the U.K. as I found they respond quicker to call outs.

[Neeranam]

Have you tried to find out the reasons why he has become alcohol dependent? It could well help. Walking out on him, unless you really have no other course of action, will solve nothing.

This post is nonsense.

There doesn't have to be a reason for someone becoming alcoholic.

Walking out on him could be the best thing for him and you.

I think you would get this advice from Al-Anon. You would be helping him to reach his bottom, therefore being able to accept his problem, and recover.

I agree with Frodo - good post.

There are many AA meetings a day in Copenhagen, if that is where you are from.

Edited May 30, 2005 by Neeranam

[Boatabike]

You have my deepest sympathies mydrawingroomtable you must be going through a very hard time of it right now. The way i see it you have only 2 choices. Stay and help him fight it if you think there is a chance he will fight it, and that will entail a lot of hard emotional work from you, many tears, frustration and pain that may or may not have a happy ending. Or you need to leave and set about trying to start a new life free from the abuse you don't deserve. If you were a man having a problematical Thai wife the majority of answers you would have got from this forum would have been leave the ****** i see no difference. If this man cannot appreciate you for what you are then he does not deserve you. Of course i know nothing about why he has become a dependent on his chosen vice. Only you know him well enough to decide what you should do. Seek profesional advice as soon as you can and base your choice on a combination of that advice and your own experience within your marriage. And good luck to you and to him.

[Boon Mee]

What's gotta happen is the guy (or gal) has to hit rock-bottom before there's any improvement.

One of the things I love about Thailand is when a man reckons he's "over the line", he checks himself into the local Wat for an extended stay.

I have a brother-in-law in this situation and he's happier now than he's ever been and doesn't plan to ever leave the Order.

[duke69]

What's gotta happen is the guy (or gal) has to hit rock-bottom before there's any improvement.

One of the things I love about Thailand is when a man reckons he's "over the line", he checks himself into the local Wat for an extended stay.

I have a brother-in-law in this situation and he's happier now than he's ever been and doesn't plan to ever leave the Order.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

What the ###### of advice is this?? This is a serius post and if you have nothing to say, don't screw the post!!!!

Yes now all the alcoholist in the church becoming monks and all the prostitutes becoming nuns!!! Such qualitity of an advice!!!

Rock bottom??? Was it on a porno DVD???

My Grandpa was alcoholist and I can tell you that there is no rock-bottom at all, the sooner you act the better it is (also for the health).

Only professionals (AA) can do something.

[chownah]

I think the OP is a troll.

[chuchok]

What's gotta happen is the guy (or gal) has to hit rock-bottom before there's any improvement.

One of the things I love about Thailand is when a man reckons he's "over the line", he checks himself into the local Wat for an extended stay.

I have a brother-in-law in this situation and he's happier now than he's ever been and doesn't plan to ever leave the Order.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

What the ###### of advice is this?? This is a serius post and if you have nothing to say, don't screw the post!!!!

Yes now all the alcoholist in the church becoming monks and all the prostitutes becoming nuns!!! Such qualitity of an advice!!!

Rock bottom??? Was it on a porno DVD???

My Grandpa was alcoholist and I can tell you that there is no rock-bottom at all, the sooner you act the better it is (also for the health).

Only professionals (AA) can do something.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Have you been drinking too duke? Boons responce was resonable and going to a Temple here can help many people.Just because your grandfather was an "alcoholist" dosn't mean that everybody is the same!

OP, try taking a hidden video of him when he is drunk.If you show him it when he is sober, it might make him seek help.

[duke69]

What's gotta happen is the guy (or gal) has to hit rock-bottom before there's any improvement.

One of the things I love about Thailand is when a man reckons he's "over the line", he checks himself into the local Wat for an extended stay.

I have a brother-in-law in this situation and he's happier now than he's ever been and doesn't plan to ever leave the Order.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

What the ###### of advice is this?? This is a serius post and if you have nothing to say, don't screw the post!!!!

Yes now all the alcoholist in the church becoming monks and all the prostitutes becoming nuns!!! Such qualitity of an advice!!!

Rock bottom??? Was it on a porno DVD???

My Grandpa was alcoholist and I can tell you that there is no rock-bottom at all, the sooner you act the better it is (also for the health).

Only professionals (AA) can do something.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Have you been drinking too duke? Boons responce was resonable and going to a Temple here can help many people.Just because your grandfather was an "alcoholist" dosn't mean that everybody is the same!

OP, try taking a hidden video of him when he is drunk.If you show him it when he is sober, it might make him seek help.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Alchoolism is a srius/true sickness, unless inside the temple there is a AA branch .....

May be we should suggest this wife to ask her husband in Europe to seek for a Buddist temple (or a church) and pay a visit, ......

We are talking about his health and life, not his soul

[chuchok]

Alchoolism is a srius/true sickness, unless inside the temple there is a AA branch .....

May be we should suggest this wife to ask her husband in Europe to seek for a Buddist temple (or a church) and pay a visit, ......

We are talking about his health and life, not his soul

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Fixing the soul can also fix the spirit.(No pun intended)

Everybody is different and can be healed in different ways.AA is not for everybody either

[Popeyethesailorman]

I don't have a drinking problem but I did have a talking problem. Just could'nt shut me up. My friends held an intervention and they sent me to On and On Anon.

All kidding aside, I know first hand about living with an alcoholic. I don't have the answers but I'm sure you'll get plenty of help online with all the internet shrinks on the forum.

[duke69]

this topic should be moved to Health and medicine, so that people with some knoledge and experience can give the right suggestion.

here we can get only (next??) a sicilian suggesting to take her hubby to Lourdes .......

[george]

this topic should be moved to Health and medicine

Moved to Health section.

[Erwin1011]

There is a product available in two forms: pills to take (twice a day) and grafted under the skin, slowly dissolving in about 6 months to a year. Makes you violently ill when even sniffing acohol. In Belgium it is sold unter the name "antabuse". Check with your doctor.

The graft is the most effective as it requires less discipline and character strength than taking your daily dose. It also is 1 decision to take, with prolongued consequences.

Good luck!

[duke69]

I think the OP is a troll.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It might be a troll since the level of this English is too good for a Thai woman (no offence, sorry for the statement), but the argument is interesting and real.

When you have a person coming home totally drunk peeing in the drawer and vomiting on the fabric sofa, then you will understand what alchoolism really is!!

[chuchok]

When you have a person coming home totally drunk peeing in the drawer and vomiting on the fabric sofa, then you will understand what alchoolism really is!!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Sounds like a night out with some Australians.

[Jai Dee]

When you have a person coming home totally drunk peeing in the drawer and vomiting on the fabric sofa, then you will understand what alchoolism really is!!

Sounds like a night out with some Australians.

Oi... I resemble that remark.

[mydrawingtable]

I think the OP is a troll.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It might be a troll since the level of this English is too good for a Thai woman (no offence, sorry for the statement), but the argument is interesting and real.

When you have a person coming home totally drunk peeing in the drawer and vomiting on the fabric sofa, then you will understand what alchoolism really is!!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

This is a real stituation. I'm faceing it every day. I wrote that for months but never wanted to post here until now, I think it the right time.

Thank to you all for your advice.

[mydrawingtable]

Why ask him what is causing it? Alcoholism is a disease. Having years of experience counselling people with chemical dependency and being 12-years clean and sober myself, the O/P would open herself to a bigger barrage of abuse. Yes, she is being abused, which is typical in dysfunctional relationships. She can ask, he'll maybe sober up for a moment, tell a sad tale or two, give blame to someone or something, things may cool for a bit, but when the "honeymoon" phase is over, it'll repeat itself again, sometimes even worse. The issue of control is normally a major factor amongst many others.

he believes that there is no one that can tell him what to do, he will do what he wants when he wants and he doesn’t care who it hurts or what it does to him.

Typical behavior. I'm in control and nobody can ever tell me what to do. Easy does it.

any subject I bring up, anything from why I like my job, my friends etc, he throws back at me in a mean drunken way about whatever I said was awful, hurtful, wrong, stupid etc. I get to suffer through marathon verbal dialogues with a drunk husband about everything.

Trust me, you'll be blamed for the drinking as well. The alcoholic needs that wishful thinking of control and power. This is cleary mental abuse. Get out before it gets worse. He'll continue to try to control you and make you take the blame. When that happens you'll become the co-dependent. Making excuses for his own selfishness, making excuses for everything that he does, while feeling horrible deep down. He's already setting you up for his failure and misery.

I’ll confront him and he must choose between me and alcohol. My bags are packed and the ticket to Thailand is confirmed. If he chooses alcohol all I have to do is to say good bye.

Be careful. He will choose you! Life may seem great for awhile, we call this the honeymoon stage. But, until he realizes and deals with his own problems first, it will not go away. He'll need A.A and for yourself, Al-Anon. Al-Anon is for family of alcoholics to help them with co-dependency issues. "He say's it's my fault, and I think it is," sort of thing. If he will not go, makes excuses, lays blame on you...get the heck out. I've seen too many cases where verbal abuse was the norm followed by severe physical abuse (the circle will start again, the apology, the roses and nice dinners, followed by more abuse). Don't compromise your position. No alcohol means no alcohol, period. "One is too many, 10 is never enough."

Good for you for posting about your husbands problem. It's not yours, it doesn't belong to you. If you accept it, then it's yours as well and that will never be healthy for you. Seek help. It's free and you'll get better.

I wish you luck.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thank you.

[sriracha john]

I think the OP is a troll.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It might be a troll since the level of this English is too good for a Thai woman (no offence, sorry for the statement), but the argument is interesting and real.

When you have a person coming home totally drunk peeing in the drawer and vomiting on the fabric sofa, then you will understand what alchoolism really is!!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You may want to try to consider hanging out with a different type of Thai woman. Her English is very good, but with experience, one can see the few common errors in her writing.

For chownah, I'm sure she's a troll and been waiting 19 months on TV just to trip you up and egg you on during your first month on TV.

For OP, I am very sorry to hear of your troubles. Living in a foreign country is never easy, and to deal with an alcoholic abuser and verbal abuser makes it impossible.

Unless he is willing to get help, there's not much alternative for you then to leave him.

I can tell from your writing and your previous posts that you are an intelligent woman who deserves far more than you are receiving at present. You should feel proud of yourself and not let his difficulties become your guilt.

I wish you all the best of luck whichever way you decide.

[Boon Mee]

What's gotta happen is the guy (or gal) has to hit rock-bottom before there's any improvement.

One of the things I love about Thailand is when a man reckons he's "over the line", he checks himself into the local Wat for an extended stay.

I have a brother-in-law in this situation and he's happier now than he's ever been and doesn't plan to ever leave the Order.

What the ###### of advice is this?? This is a serius post and if you have nothing to say, don't screw the post!!!!

Yes now all the alcoholist in the church becoming monks and all the prostitutes becoming nuns!!! Such qualitity of an advice!!!

Rock bottom??? Was it on a porno DVD???

My Grandpa was alcoholist and I can tell you that there is no rock-bottom at all, the sooner you act the better it is (also for the health).

Only professionals (AA) can do something.

Have you been drinking too duke? Boons responce was resonable and going to a Temple here can help many people.Just because your grandfather was an "alcoholist" dosn't mean that everybody is the same!

OP, try taking a hidden video of him when he is drunk.If you show him it when he is sober, it might make him seek help.

Alchoolism is a srius/true sickness, unless inside the temple there is a AA branch .....

May be we should suggest this wife to ask her husband in Europe to seek for a Buddist temple (or a church) and pay a visit, ......

We are talking about his health and life, not his soul

Bud...you don't have a clue...

[meadish_sweetball]

Even IF the OP is a troll the topic is a serious one and should be taken as such - other people in this situation may find the forum later and scan the thread for advice.

As anybody in working in the social sector or government related jobs can tell you, it is unfortunately quite common for Thai women to get stuck with alcoholics and abusive husbands in the West, since many (of course not all) of the wife seekers using dating services and such do not come clear with who they are. Before somebody jumps at me and tell me how these men are all misunderstood and in reality it is the girls who are deceitful, let me add the deceit often goes both ways. Misery loves company.

I will just more or less repeat the same advice other people have already given you - I think contacting AA or the Social services in Denmark is a good way of starting to deal with this problem.

I also recommend you get out of this relationship, for your own sake. If there are no children involved, you should be able to do so without any more problems than a heartache, which will pass with time.

[glassdude007]

dont forget you said "i do till death do us part" ..i/e marriege...

good luck im a drunk too i know where your coming from....i luv you already/xxx/oo....ps ..aa is cheaper than aaa and they don't call the cops..

Edited May 30, 2005 by glassdude007

[daveb1]

Have you tried to find out the reasons why he has become alcohol dependent? It could well help. Walking out on him, unless you really have no other course of action, will solve nothing.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I think your wrong its called "TOUGH LOVE" This lady can not go on like this she has to look after her own future well being and hapiness