Should I Tell Her I Had A Vasectomy?

[kerryk]

Given that the relationship has progressed to the stage of discussion of marriage,

(1) you absolutely should tell her, should have told her already

and

(2) even without the vasectomy angle, people thinking of possibly marrying each other need to discuss their intentions/desires with regard to children. Assumptions can be dangerous.

I would not assume that she is looking to/expecting to conceive. At 40 years old, she knows the chances are slim even if it is something she'd otherwise want. And I'd leave handling her mother to her.

I believe you are correct. She is a good catch for me, not for everybody of course. It would be a shame if I chase her away before she really gets to know me. It has been my experience that it takes getting into a relationship before the real pluses and minuses come out. Right now as things stand I really don't want to be a father again. Could that change? I guess given the right circumstances but in general I think I am too old. Although in my own childhood my grandfather was a better father than my father.

You see what I am saying? The priorities in her life may change as a result of our relationship. But if we don't have a relationship we will never know.

In any event I have really learned something new as a result of this thread as I knew nothing about the possibilities of having children post vasectomy.

[CRUNCHER]

If this is going to be a serious relationship, whether by marriage or not, your partner has a right to know something like that. Unless, of course, sex is not to be part of the relationship.

If it is going to "frighten her off" better sooner rather than later.

[kerryk]

If this is going to be a serious relationship, whether by marriage or not, your partner has a right to know something like that. Unless, of course, sex is not to be part of the relationship.

If it is going to "frighten her off" better sooner rather than later.

With all the problems unwanted pregnancies cause it seems rather ironic to be discussing a person's right to know they won't get pregnant. Not saying you are not right. Following your line of reasoning, should men be forced to be tested for slow swimmers and tell the lady in question?

[sbk]

Thats a rather specious argument. There is a big difference between a vasectomy and "slow swimmers" and you are, I should think, well aware of that.

IF you want to get serious enough with this woman to marry her then you will need to tell her. If you have NO intention of getting serious then you shouldn't already be talking marriage and a vasectomy wouldn't really matter.

I really don't understand why that isn't obvious here.

[kerryk]

Thats a rather specious argument. There is a big difference between a vasectomy and "slow swimmers" and you are, I should think, well aware of that.

IF you want to get serious enough with this woman to marry her then you will need to tell her. If you have NO intention of getting serious then you shouldn't already be talking marriage and a vasectomy wouldn't really matter.

I really don't understand why that isn't obvious here.

If she was in her 20's or 30's I already would have told her. Realistically she has had 25 years to have a baby and get married. If she hasn't done it in 25 years how important can it be to her?

[RueFang]

Your OP says you've already discussed marriage. That would've been the time to also discuss kids I would have thought. At 40 she is still able to have them so it does need to be discussed otherwise you're starting out your whole relationship based on dishonesty.

If I don't tell her and we don't have children she can blame it on a twist of fate and have no guilt feelings re mom, ("mom, honest we try every night"). Hence everyone is happy except mom and it's not mom's life anyway.

If she wanted kids and after years of 'trying' and wondering why it's not happening, she is not going to be happy, she would blame herself (or you) and be absolutely miserable, and unless you're completely void of emotion, your guilt would also make you miserable.

Because of a coincidence not related to sex or STD's we both went to a Thai hospital recently and had blood tests which were negative. So no real need from our viewpoint to worry about STD's.

Very naive comment considering your age and considering your dishonesty to her, how do you know she doesn't have anyone else on the side keeping her options open.

Seems like if you just had the conversation with her, it would save a lot of trouble down the line... if she doesn't want kids, sweet, no more thoughts, everyone is happy. If she does want them, good to know early to give you both the option to get out before you both get really hurt.

[Patsycat]

As a woman, I would be devestated that my husband/boyfriend etc. would lie about a vasectomy. Whether or not i wanted to have a baby.

It's like me pretending that those perfect tits were all my own.. for years and years and years!!!

[MiG16]

you claim to be wise in years. one would assume anyone who has come to that age would realise that a relationship based on dishonesty can not work.

yet you seem bent on continuing to leave her in the dark as to the situation. if you have already decided to lie about something that is so important in a relationship, why would you come online to get validation from strangers?

I dont get it

[kerryk]

you claim to be wise in years. one would assume anyone who has come to that age would realise that a relationship based on dishonesty can not work.

yet you seem bent on continuing to leave her in the dark as to the situation. if you have already decided to lie about something that is so important in a relationship, why would you come online to get validation from strangers?

I dont get it

Naw, I'm going to tell her. I hate to tell her before we have sex but I guess I should. In the unlikely event that she was thinking of using pregnancy to hasten a marriage it will be poetic justice lost.

It is not that I distrust women, I distrust everyone equally man or woman. And no, she has given me no reasons to distrust her whatever. Nor have I lied to her. I didn't mention I had a vasectomy but then again she never asked. Nor has she asked me if I wanted children. We only discussed marriage in terms of my thoughts on the future. I told her after living together for a couple of years I thought it would be time to consider marriage.

[kerryk]

As a woman, I would be devestated that my husband/boyfriend etc. would lie about a vasectomy. Whether or not i wanted to have a baby.

It's like me pretending that those perfect tits were all my own.. for years and years and years!!!

Patsy you are getting a little ahead of me. I didn't lie about a vasectomy. I have not said anything about it. She didn't ask. Nor did she ask me if I wanted children.

Just for my own curiosity why would you care if your boyfriend had a vasectomy or not? I can see about a husband. But do you really care if it is just a guy you are dating? And would you believe him if he told you he had a vasectomy?

[kerryk]

And one more question for the ladies if you don't mind. Is it acceptable for me to wait for her to bring up having children before I discuss my vasectomy? Is it OK if I wait until she asks me if I want children or for her to tell me she wants children before I mention my fertility status?

[canuckamuck]

Why not tell her, you told everyone else

[kerryk]

Why not tell her, you told everyone else

Because she didn't ask. If you read the thread, seeing the title you asked. You are even interested enough to post a reply. Which demonstrates a lot of interest.

[meom]

Given that the relationship has progressed to the stage of discussion of marriage,

How a relationship progresses to the stage of marriage discussion without having sex is beyond me really.

[kerryk]

Given that the relationship has progressed to the stage of discussion of marriage,

How a relationship progresses to the stage of marriage discussion without having sex is beyond me really.

It's Thailand. They have chaperones on dates too.

[canuckamuck]

Why not tell her, you told everyone else

Because she didn't ask. If you read the thread, seeing the title you asked. You are even interested enough to post a reply. Which demonstrates a lot of interest.

Had your sense of humor snipped too I see.

[NALAK]

why not do what you think is right, youre the one in the reason and knows your partner. for me i would tell them very early in the realtionship as it could have major impact on her feelings. if she has a secure finanacial future may well be she is not bothered. alot of them there kids are there pension. i want the snip but to scared to get it done here. a few guys i know in there 50s me included suddenly found they were going to be fathers without any consultation. you dont have that worry.

[meom]

Given that the relationship has progressed to the stage of discussion of marriage,

How a relationship progresses to the stage of marriage discussion without having sex is beyond me really.

It's Thailand. They have chaperones on dates too.

So you might be dating a 40 year old virgin?

In that case and considering that you're both talking about marriage you might as well tell her that kids are not really possible with you.

[MiG16]

if u are casually dating, then yes perhaps not necessary

but if u are discussing living together and possibly marriage, thats talking about spending the rest of your lives together

thats long term plans, and inevitably, children tend to form a part of those plans. even if to say both partners agree they are not ready to have, or will never have children.

and to say 'she didnt ask' ?

by that logic, lets say you were in a relationship. your partner were cheating. but because you never asked if she is cheating, would that make it ok then?

but anyhow, i think I have wasted enough time on this thread.

sighhhhh

[kerryk]

why not do what you think is right, youre the one in the reason and knows your partner. for me i would tell them very early in the realtionship as it could have major impact on her feelings. if she has a secure finanacial future may well be she is not bothered. alot of them there kids are there pension. i want the snip but to scared to get it done here. a few guys i know in there 50s me included suddenly found they were going to be fathers without any consultation. you dont have that worry.

Well I think I should tell her. I also think I should wait until she brings up kids. I don't feel honour bound to be the first one to bring up the subject. If she never asks me if I want children I don't think I have to say anything about it.

[kerryk]

Given that the relationship has progressed to the stage of discussion of marriage,

How a relationship progresses to the stage of marriage discussion without having sex is beyond me really.

It's Thailand. They have chaperones on dates too.

So you might be dating a 40 year old virgin?

In that case and considering that you're both talking about marriage you might as well tell her that kids are not really possible with you.

No she is not a virgin as we already discussed that. I guess you didn't read the entire thread. Kids are possible as per one poster further up the thread has pointed out.

[kerryk]

if u are casually dating, then yes perhaps not necessary

but if u are discussing living together and possibly marriage, thats talking about spending the rest of your lives together

thats long term plans, and inevitably, children tend to form a part of those plans. even if to say both partners agree they are not ready to have, or will never have children.

and to say 'she didnt ask' ?

by that logic, lets say you were in a relationship. your partner were cheating. but because you never asked if she is cheating, would that make it ok then?

but anyhow, i think I have wasted enough time on this thread.

sighhhhh

Thank you for taking the time that you did on the thread. I get the sense that you feel I should tell the lady my fertility status before she informs me if she desires children. I don't agree. If she chooses to discuss having children I will tell her immediately that I don't want to and have taken care of birth control problems already. If on the other hand she chooses not to discuss potentially having children I don't feel the need to discuss it either. Quid pro quo.

[meom]

No she is not a virgin as we already discussed that. I guess you didn't read the entire thread. Kids are possible as per one poster further up the thread has pointed out.

So what's the deal with the chaperones?

Maybe I read to much in the word chaperone but my understanding is that chaperones will be there until she's married so in that case what makes you think you will get any sex next week without getting married first?

Sorry in the OP you mention that you talked about marriage a couple years down the road.

In that case no need to tell her anything unless she asks.

Edited June 29, 2011 by meom

[kerryk]

No she is not a virgin as we already discussed that. I guess you didn't read the entire thread. Kids are possible as per one poster further up the thread has pointed out.

So what's the deal with the chaperones?

Maybe I read to much in the word chaperone but my understanding is that chaperones will be there until she's married so in that case what makes you think you will get any sex next week without getting married first?

Chaperones were relatives and went along on the first couple of dates. I got the feeling to check me out and make sure I was not there for a one night stand. After the 3rd date they disappeared. However my experience is confined to women over 35 so I don't know about younger women.

[meom]

No she is not a virgin as we already discussed that. I guess you didn't read the entire thread. Kids are possible as per one poster further up the thread has pointed out.

So what's the deal with the chaperones?

Maybe I read to much in the word chaperone but my understanding is that chaperones will be there until she's married so in that case what makes you think you will get any sex next week without getting married first?

Chaperones were relatives and went along on the first couple of dates. I got the feeling to check me out and make sure I was not there for a one night stand. After the 3rd date they disappeared. However my experience is confined to women over 35 so I don't know about younger women.

OK I understand now and edited my prior post.

Just go ahead and have a good time.

No need to tell anything now unless she asks.

Note:

At the height of her extasy when she's coming she might cry out " give me your baby" and you will remember this thread

Edited June 29, 2011 by meom

[MiG16]

I get the sense that you feel I should tell the lady my fertility status before she informs me if she desires children. I don't agree. If she chooses to discuss having children I will tell her immediately that I don't want to and have taken care of birth control problems already. If on the other hand she chooses not to discuss potentially having children I don't feel the need to discuss it either. Quid pro quo.

if you already know that, then why start this thread and ask for strangers opinion on the matter?

and if you already have the answer, perhaps this thread is redundant and can be closed? let me know and I can take care of that for you

[kerryk]

I get the sense that you feel I should tell the lady my fertility status before she informs me if she desires children. I don't agree. If she chooses to discuss having children I will tell her immediately that I don't want to and have taken care of birth control problems already. If on the other hand she chooses not to discuss potentially having children I don't feel the need to discuss it either. Quid pro quo.

if you already know that, then why start this thread and ask for strangers opinion on the matter?

and if you already have the answer, perhaps this thread is redundant and can be closed? let me know and I can take care of that for you

I learned a lot from the thread especially about vasectomies. Hopefully other readers have too. It helped me firm up my judgement about what to do and when to do it. It gave me a clear conscience about waiting until the lady brings up the subject of children before I need to go into my personal status. I have received a lot of good information over the years on TV from strangers and this thread was no exception.

[meom]

^

With a replies/view density of about 8% it's a pretty good thread with plenty of participation so why close it?

[kerryk]

^

With a replies/view density of about 8% it's a pretty good thread with plenty of participation so why close it?

I see no reason to. I learn things every day from reading Thai Visa.

[petercr]

I get the sense that you feel I should tell the lady my fertility status before she informs me if she desires children. I don't agree. If she chooses to discuss having children I will tell her immediately that I don't want to and have taken care of birth control problems already. If on the other hand she chooses not to discuss potentially having children I don't feel the need to discuss it either. Quid pro quo.

if you already know that, then why start this thread and ask for strangers opinion on the matter?

and if you already have the answer, perhaps this thread is redundant and can be closed? let me know and I can take care of that for you

I learned a lot from the thread especially about vasectomies. Hopefully other readers have too. It helped me firm up my judgement about what to do and when to do it. It gave me a clear conscience about waiting until the lady brings up the subject of children before I need to go into my personal status. I have received a lot of good information over the years on TV from strangers and this thread was no exception.