More Boyfriend Issues

[orlandoiam]

Hello Ladies and Gents, well... it's more boyfriend issues... Seems alot are being tossed around the ladies column recently.

i've been seeing mine fore the past year...and we generally communicate in Thai. He's taking his first English classes and just passed Level one; so we are on the way...so to speak.

it seems as time goes on i'm finding communication to be a big issue. i'm not sure if it's just a language barrier or a cultural barrier as well.

i'm beginning to feel a total lack of closeness, as whenever we have a small issue he totally clams up. not a word. me i try to ask him to express his feelings, and he'll answer that he's "kee giat puut." or won't answer at all.

i'll give him a list of possible feelings and sometimes he'll answer. other times just shuts off.

other than these moments he's a great guy, hardworking, intelligent and kind. but yet the inablity to even discuss politics/or the ideas in a movie...it's starting to wear me. we can go out to eat together, movies, chit chat, we have amiable personalities...but do i actually know him?

i keep thinking if maybe i give our language a chance to grow...my thai's improving day by day and now his english is getting better too. but, does it get better.... or are cultural misunderstandings and a lack of closesness part of an everyday Thai/Western relationship?

what are your experiences. are any of you in Bangkok? i feel a bit embarassed talking frankly in a forum...

[sbk]

Thai people in general and men in general (all races!) have difficulty expressing their feelings. Women tend to discuss things to death while men don't discuss them at all. A communication gap makes this all the more hard to deal with. My husband spoke very good english when I met him and we still have these problems. It took him a while to learn that it was ok to open up and that I wouldn't criticise or ridicule his feelings. You have to be patient but also explain to him that these things are important to you and that he needs to learn to meet you halfway.

As for politics, well many Thai people seem to take any discussion of Thai politics as an inherent criticism of Thai people and culture not really understanding the west's tradition of critical thought. That one takes along time to understand too, it helped when my husband heard me speak of my own country in the same way I speak of his.

I have to add that after 16 years of marriage my husband is my closest and best friend and I am his. So, it is possible, just keep trying!

[thaibebop]

My wife does the same thing. I have just found what she will talk about and stick with that. If problems happen and she won't talk to me I just do what I think best and if it's what she doesn't like it she'll tell me.

I think you should judge this man and the relationship by how he acts and how you feel when with him. Getting to "know" him isn't important. All of that information is in the past, so think more of what he does now.

[frond]

we can go out to eat together, movies, chit chat, we have amiable personalities...but do i actually know him?

I felt that way too when I first started going out with my girlfriend. I know I might get criticized over writing this but I think most of Thai people's discourse stays "on the surface" of things. What we think of as being "deep" topics of conversation aren't a part of common, everyday banter. Emotions are, by nature, passing things. Perhaps your situation could have something to do with not having a good grasp of each other's languages. Give it some time.

Getting to "know" him isn't important. All of that information is in the past, so think more of what he does now.

That's right.

[orlandoiam]

Thanks for the feedback... it's good to know that people out there are experiencing similiar things with a bilingual/bicultural (<--is that right?!) relationship.