Thai In Laws Culture Difference Or Insulting - You Decide!

[arthurwait]

The thought occurred to me that it is a drunk Aussie who can't tell the ethnicity of his in laws.

Really what married guy with kids would be posting at 3 in the morning?

are you kidding me?

bedtime as an indicator of proper parenting?

rather an arbitrary line to draw in the sand, dont you think?

Getting home and taking care of the kids is part of being a parent.

How many have you got around the world again ?

[coolhandjoe]

It's cool it's quite, i've chilled and come to the conclusion that sons are held in high esteem in Thai families especially the eldest. Also in law! Thats why if the parents die everything goes to the eldest son unless a will is made.

Younger siblings are further down the pecking order, with daughters last.

off topic - Yet why is Thailand the only country in the world that has sin sot for daughters if they are so low in the pecking order?

We don't visit very often that is probally why they refer to us as falang.

As for money i paid several years ago to upgrade/renovate their house and nothing since.

The good thing about the in-laws is we don't understand a word each other says, how many people would wish for that scenario in the West,lol.

[Issam rider]

It's cool it's quite, i've chilled and come to the conclusion that sons are held in high esteem in Thai families especially the eldest. Also in law! Thats why if the parents die everything goes to the eldest son unless a will is made.

Younger siblings are further down the pecking order, with daughters last.

off topic - Yet why is Thailand the only country in the world that has sin sot for daughters if they are so low in the pecking order?

We don't visit very often that is probally why they refer to us as falang.

As for money i paid several years ago to upgrade/renovate their house and nothing since.

The good thing about the in-laws is we don't understand a word each other says, how many people would wish for that scenario in the West,lol.

dont agree at all ( apart from the last line ) my daughter the youngest in the family seems to be at the top of the tree and has every one dancing to Her tune throughout a very large family

[barefoot1988]

It's cool it's quite, i've chilled and come to the conclusion that sons are held in high esteem in Thai families especially the eldest. Also in law! Thats why if the parents die everything goes to the eldest son unless a will is made.

Younger siblings are further down the pecking order, with daughters last.

off topic - Yet why is Thailand the only country in the world that has sin sot for daughters if they are so low in the pecking order?

We don't visit very often that is probally why they refer to us as falang.

As for money i paid several years ago to upgrade/renovate their house and nothing since.

The good thing about the in-laws is we don't understand a word each other says, how many people would wish for that scenario in the West,lol.

other places practice bride prices as well

[Mirth]

Some, not all locals believes that ONLY prositutes marries a foreigner hence the biase reaction. For your in laws, it may be just that or the "face" thing.

Other reason could be they expect huge sums monthly which is not forth coming from you.

Whatever it is, just let it be cos if you insists to have your pics in their house, would you be happy if they insists how you bring up your kids?

[giddyup]

Some, not all locals believes that ONLY prositutes marries a foreigner hence the biase reaction. For your in laws, it may be just that or the "face" thing.

Other reason could be they expect huge sums monthly which is not forth coming from you.

Whatever it is, just let it be cos if you insists to have your pics in their house, would you be happy if they insists how you bring up your kids?

"Face" doesn't seem to come into the equation when accepting money or gifts though.

[Bender]

It's crystal clear, for them you are a stranger, you dont belong to their family.

But you still can feel very lucky, at least you have your wife on your side.

I have known plethora of farang who even their wife was on parents side

Edited October 7, 2012 by Bender

[chiangmaikelly]

The thought occurred to me that it is a drunk Aussie who can't tell the ethnicity of his in laws.

Really what married guy with kids would be posting at 3 in the morning?

are you kidding me?

bedtime as an indicator of proper parenting?

rather an arbitrary line to draw in the sand, dont you think?

Getting home and taking care of the kids is part of being a parent.

How many have you got around the world again ?

What you talking about?

[rattler]

It's cool it's quite, i've chilled and come to the conclusion that sons are held in high esteem in Thai families especially the eldest. Also in law! Thats why if the parents die everything goes to the eldest son unless a will is made.

Younger siblings are further down the pecking order, with daughters last.

off topic - Yet why is Thailand the only country in the world that has sin sot for daughters if they are so low in the pecking order?

We don't visit very often that is probally why they refer to us as falang.

As for money i paid several years ago to upgrade/renovate their house and nothing since.

The good thing about the in-laws is we don't understand a word each other says, how many people would wish for that scenario in the West,lol.

Funny my Wife told me she was left the house when her Mum died as she was the youngest?

Edited October 7, 2012 by rattler

[mcp]

stay away from these inlaws as much as possible , they are bitter twisted and jealous that you have done better than them and you are head of your own family and they are no longer in control...The older generation are extremely stubbone and ignorant, they will eventually realise they will need your help then they will grant you the honor of helping them.....from experience helping inlaws to willingly breeds contempt, I find denying them what they desire free from you actually makes them more respectful of you when they dont get things easily.....''a fool and his money are easily parted''..... just because your family, dosent mean your not a fool........

[chiangmaikelly]

It's cool it's quite, i've chilled and come to the conclusion that sons are held in high esteem in Thai families especially the eldest. Also in law! Thats why if the parents die everything goes to the eldest son unless a will is made.

Younger siblings are further down the pecking order, with daughters last.

off topic - Yet why is Thailand the only country in the world that has sin sot for daughters if they are so low in the pecking order?

We don't visit very often that is probally why they refer to us as falang.

As for money i paid several years ago to upgrade/renovate their house and nothing since.

The good thing about the in-laws is we don't understand a word each other says, how many people would wish for that scenario in the West,lol.

Funny my Wife told me she was left the house when her Mum died as she was the youngest?

Whoa!!!! Now that is a major problem. Who gets the property in Thailand? Oldest son or youngest daughter?

[robblok]

It's cool it's quite, i've chilled and come to the conclusion that sons are held in high esteem in Thai families especially the eldest. Also in law! Thats why if the parents die everything goes to the eldest son unless a will is made.

Younger siblings are further down the pecking order, with daughters last.

off topic - Yet why is Thailand the only country in the world that has sin sot for daughters if they are so low in the pecking order?

We don't visit very often that is probally why they refer to us as falang.

As for money i paid several years ago to upgrade/renovate their house and nothing since.

The good thing about the in-laws is we don't understand a word each other says, how many people would wish for that scenario in the West,lol.

Funny my Wife told me she was left the house when her Mum died as she was the youngest?

Whoa!!!! Now that is a major problem. Who gets the property in Thailand? Oldest son or youngest daughter?

As far as i have seen when the father of the gf died they all got equal shares. (there was no will) In this case it was almost nothing so the gf did not want a thing as it was more trouble then it was worth.

So many different opinions, i wonder what is true.

[Briggsy]

Did they request these framed photos?

[Grumbles]

Has anyone considered that maybe some people resent being told to put up pictures of people? What right does anyone have to come into someone else's home and start giving decorating instructions? My father never had pictures of the family up in the house. It was my stepmother that has put the pictures up of family and she had quite the arguments doing it too. He didn't want to have to look at family pictures and I share that view too. My sister is insulted when I don't display pictures of her kids in my home. The lack of pictures doesn't mean someone doesn't care. It just means that pictures of family members hanging about are not a decorating desire for some people. Why is there an assumption that all grandparents want pictures of their grandkids hanging on the walls?

I think the point the OP made was that there ARE family pictures up on the wall, but the 'outlaws' don't seem to want pictures of HIS kids.

Personally I would take them back, and never give them anything - ever!!

[richard_smith237]

Some of it might simply be due to innocent cultural differences... i.e. they have no idea of the importance you are placing of the Pictures / Gifts. My Wife and I have returned from trips with gifts for my In-Laws, they're still in the packages, boxes etc.. never used or looked at again (not pictures though). My Wife and I have stopped bringing gifts back and her parents appear not to have noticed, they are just happier to see us than to receive any gift we may give them.

IMO - While it is very normal of the Op to get upset and insulted in a situation like this, its not worth it, its clear his in-laws are not considerate or polite and they appear to show no intention of changing or making any efforts towards him. There is no mutual respect, simply stop making so much effort and just sit back, the Op will eventually get along with his in-laws in other ways.

I've been very lucky and my In-laws are lovely. I never heard the word farang when I'm around. We have dinner on a weekly basis and my FIL and I take it in turns to pay, I get the impression they respect me and are proud to have me around. When joining friends for dinner my Inlaws are always asking us to join them. Whenever we see each other there is a comical series of Wai's, hand shakes and hugs (kiss on the cheek for MIL too)... But, there are still cultural differences, in many cases its simply innocence and a blind eye can easily be turned.

I'm sure I've made many a 'faux-pas' and those around me have also turned a blind eye when recognising my innocence.

But, people are not stupid, its obvious when things are not right. There is no cultural explanation for people being rude. We often excuse peoples ignorance and rude behaviour with culture, but thats not true. No culture is rude, showing 'effort to be polite' is common in the different cultures I've experienced. When that effort is not extended culture cannot be used as an explanation, ignorance and bad manners can be - Issues are rarely any more complex than this, there is no hidden cultural mystery, some people are simply impolite.

[bermondburi]

Reading some of the replies it makes me realise how lucky I am . You never realise until 'x' number of years what the family is really like . It took me a while to warm to mine because I wasn't used to the big all-in kind of family stuff . Now though I apreciate it for what it is and when reading all this stuff I'm glad that they all make the effort to include me in their shit and we have a lot of fun together. I even enjoy the big family get togethers at New Year etc.

[jacktrip]

could the pics be unflattering? are the kids dressed in rags or shorts, tank-tops? daughter exposing arms?

it's hard to get a good pic. thai's are very conservative with family shots.

[soi41]

could the pics be unflattering? are the kids dressed in rags or shorts, tank-tops? daughter exposing arms?

it's hard to get a good pic. thai's are very conservative with family shots.

Which part of the deep South are you living in??

Read all the posts in this thread, and am surprised that no posters have raised the question, why should a westener married to a ricefarmers daughter, adjust his behaviour just to please some uneducated small holders in Isaan?

I am married to a lady from the darkest Isaan , and I couldn't care less about, what the inlaws think of me. No big drama, but just accepting, that we have nothing in common. So whenever we go visiting, I stay in the village for about half an hour, wai the right persons, a few friendly words and of I go to a hotel in the nearby town. Keeping myself entertained for a couple of days, until my wife calls me and say it is time to return to civilisation. Once or twice a year "half of the village" visits us, same scenario, I am nice and friendly, but only come home to sleep. Again no big drama, just adjusting to the fact that we might as well come from different galaxys.

On a sidenote. The most important of the children in a Thai rural family is not decided by their gender, but on who is considered the most succesfull.

[jacktrip]

could the pics be unflattering? are the kids dressed in rags or shorts, tank-tops? daughter exposing arms?

it's hard to get a good pic. thai's are very conservative with family shots.

Which part of the deep South are you living in??

Read all the posts in this thread, and am surprised that no posters have raised the question, why should a westener married to a ricefarmers daughter, adjust his behaviour just to please some uneducated small holders in Isaan?

I am married to a lady from the darkest Isaan , and I couldn't care less about, what the inlaws think of me. No big drama, but just accepting, that we have nothing in common. So whenever we go visiting, I stay in the village for about half an hour, wai the right persons, a few friendly words and of I go to a hotel in the nearby town. Keeping myself entertained for a couple of days, until my wife calls me and say it is time to return to civilisation. Once or twice a year "half of the village" visits us, same scenario, I am nice and friendly, but only come home to sleep. Again no big drama, just adjusting to the fact that we might as well come from different galaxys.

On a sidenote. The most important of the children in a Thai rural family is not decided by their gender, but on who is considered the most succesfull.

because the op is concerned and wants his kids pics up, thats why.

sounds like you should just stay home. i know i would appreciate it.

Edited October 7, 2012 by jacktrip

[Briggsy]

If I read this thread correctly.

OP can't speak to his in-laws as there is no common language.

OP kids live in Australia and speak English.

The grandparents have no real link, no real contact and no means of meeting or communicating to the grandkids apart from sharing some DNA.

The grandparents have other children and other grandkids.

The grandparents did not request the photos but had them foisted upon them.

Perhaps

The grandparents feel sad when they see photos of grandkids they can never know, can never communicate to and will rarely if ever meet.

The grandparents feel as if their daughter's husband and children are total strangers whose culture and language they can never understand.

The grandparents feel that to put up the photos that they never asked for would be weird. Would you put up photos of cousins you had never met in your house?

I grew up barely knowing my uncles and aunts and the OP's reaction seems to be overly sensitive to me.

Edited October 7, 2012 by Briggsy

[jackr]

Let me get this right. You hung the pics and they took them back down and stashed them? They also call their grandkids 'farang'? Usually find it's not worth getting worked up when dealing with dubious IQ levels but you have a complete lack of respect there. I'd be getting the missus to give em hell and never visit again. Do yourself a favour and keep your kids away from those mouthbreathers.

But Could it be they are slightly embarrassed their daughter has married a falang and don't want the long and endless nosey questions from every wich persons who come in the house?

Good enough to accept a free house as long as no-one finds out it was from a farang, you mean?

[jackr]

The grandparents feel that to put up the photos that they never asked for would be weird. Would you put up photos of cousins you had never met in your house?

They're their grandkids. They are pictures, it's not like they're asking them to change their religion or move the freakin' house to the left a bit. They could have at least have had the nous to put them up elsewhere rather than out of sight! Mouthbreathers.

[payak]

why did you pay for a house that your not living in, A house for someone you dont really know, is that farang culture.

to your question, they are just ignorant and rude, its not cultural, just normal for the type of people that would take a house from a new couple rather then let them keep the money to put towards the beautiful children in the pics they hide in the wardrobe.

on another note, why didnt you put the money towards your children rather then buying a house for them, why do people buy houses for these people.

having a thai wife does not automaticaly mean mum gets a house, you played yourself.

[mcp]

c u next tueseday in laws are abundant in any culture in any country through out the world, thailand is no exception op was just unlucky or lucky depends how you look at it.......but now you know for sure!!!!!!!!!!!!

[somtumlion]

If I read this thread correctly.

OP can't speak to his in-laws as there is no common language.

OP kids live in Australia and speak English.

The grandparents have no real link, no real contact and no means of meeting or communicating to the grandkids apart from sharing some DNA.

The grandparents have other children and other grandkids.

The grandparents did not request the photos but had them foisted upon them.

Perhaps

The grandparents feel sad when they see photos of grandkids they can never know, can never communicate to and will rarely if ever meet.

The grandparents feel as if their daughter's husband and children are total strangers whose culture and language they can never understand.

The grandparents feel that to put up the photos that they never asked for would be weird. Would you put up photos of cousins you had never met in your house?

I grew up barely knowing my uncles and aunts and the OP's reaction seems to be overly sensitive to me.

Best post of the tread - imo

[yourauntbob]

Sad, I feel sorry for you, but alas I think this is the normal Thai ignorant classless way, my mother-in-law when we first visited some years ago she joined us at a restaurant brought along her husband and a friend.

No wai or any attempt to say a simple 'hello' but they knocked the <deleted> out of the menu ate like it's the last food on earth, totally ignored and when they had their fill simply get up and left!

Obviously my wife was very uncomfortable and did 'have a go' at her mom, it made no difference. This happened twice after the second time I got my wife to translate what I felt, adding that their rudeness just cost them the renovations to their house that I had previously agreed to finance.

Job done now when we visit (which is not that often) they are over me like a coat of paint make an effort to involve me in the conversation etc. Have a picture of my wife and I on display.

The point being that they expect falang to provide the extras and see it as their god given right and they will keep on taking and treating you with no respect unless you stand up to them.

They never got the renovations paid for and have never received a penny from me although I know my wife bungs them a few baht now and again which I don't get involved in.

If I were you I would continually remind them that you paid for the house that they are living in and don't give them a single baht.

Well put, totally agree.

I only give token gifts to the in-laws and simply dont take there crap. Thai's dont like to lose face, and calling them out on situations like this will certainly get the point across. Before people jump on my for this, I must state I am generally very courteous and polite to them both and go out of my way not to cause problems... but there is a line.

[pauljones]

As an experiment, tell the in-laws that you are going to receive a large inheritance next year and plan on giving them a few million Bt..

Will they be nice?

I predict, yes.

[teacher17]

hmmm I don't think it's a "Thai" thing. Recently my Thai boyfriend and I (yes, I am a woman), had our picture taken and my in-laws (I will just call them that even though were not married yet,) put them on the wall, along with pics of his sister at her wedding. They didn't have to put it up (I didn't care either way,) but they did. They also call me by my name...I have NEVER heard them call me falang (at least not to my face and not around me). If I was a man....I don't know if it would be different. Maybe it wouldn't be.

I have only given money to my in-laws once (My BF's mom had to be in the hospital for one week and I gave them 3,000 baht to help with the medical costs/food.) They have never asked me for money (though maybe it's because they know I have a job that only pays 30,000 baht/month. In fact...they have encouraged me to save money for OUR future.

Anyway, you could ask them (if you can speak some Thai) why they won't put the pictures on the wall. It would be interesting to see what they're response would be....if they would tell you at all (maybe they wouldn't want to lose face). I think it's sad that they wouldn't even put pics of your grandkids up....to me that's a bit of a red flag...what grandparents don't like to show off their grandkids??? I wouldn't give them another cent if it were me....I think it just encourages in-laws to see you as a cash cow (no offence). Do they do other things that show that they dislike you or your grandkids? Maybe they like their elder sons more than your wife? Who knows....

[teacher17]

haha sorry I meant THEIR grandkids....haha....not YOUR grandkids

[Vale Tudo]

Who buys a house for people that won't even acknowledge their own grandkids?I'm struggling to understand why you did,was it to buy their approval and how long had you been with their daughter when you made the purchase?What prompted it,was it your girlfriend/wife's idea?

They probably don't respect you because you bought them the house rather than not,you probably seem to them to be someone with more money than sense and the jealousy has now kicked in 100%!

You can either raise the stakes,by putting say, a 'For Sale' sign up in the front garden or just forget about it and learn from your mistakes.I would suggest the latter for a calm family life for all involved,I'm sure at some point in the future they'll be coming back for more,that's when you'll have the opportunity to get an answer to your questions.Don't bet on liking the answers though!