Your Position In Your Partner's Family !

[frankold]

My gf's dad would apparently pop a cap in my ass if he 'knew' a white man was hanging out of the back end of his little princess. Her mother who knows about me is quite happy about it though as she asks her mom for half as much money now ;-)

[kriswillems]

I have a very good relation with the family of my wife. We help them and they help us.

Thanks to them I have a stable life here (income and house) and they would really do anything for us.

Although they are old, they are still very hard working.

They are very kind to me and when taking difficult decisions they ask me for my opinion (which I think shows how much they respect me).

They are excellent business people and I've learnt a lot from them.

The (beautiful) house we live in was a gift from them.

In the beginning there were some cultural conflicts, but once explained were the limits are, we never had an issue again.

If they will need help from me in the future I will do my best to help them.

I really admire them. When young, they were very poor, both lost their parents when they were still children - Now they are part of the upper-middle class.

[tim armstrong]

Despite my moans about FIL's chickens and other stuff, I do have in-laws that genuinely care about my welfare. Sure some values are different but they are good country people who have tried their best over 10 years to understand this strange foreigner their daughter has brought home. My standing- Don't know really, but for sure I'm treated with respect. But I also choose to contribute to the local community, not with large sums of money, but helping at family events with small stuff and teaching kids English. It also helps me to have come from a farming background as I can relate to the lifestyle and their problems.

[MrZM]

I have a very good relationship with my wife's mother.

I have never given her a baht, I have given her daughter my wife wonderful opportunities for a new life and also a grandson. She is very understanding.

On my end she has a laundry shop, I help her with gaining new customers from foreign owned hotels, this provides a very good income for the mother, that's without the regular customers she already has.

I am not stingy, I buy her food and the 2 sons as well who are 10 year old twins. I take them out to eat etc

Never and honestly do I put money on her hand, I have built up a business she already had before I met my wife, and she is thankful for the help.

[falkan]

when i read alot answers here, seems like 80% of you are being used as ATM-machines

true love right, i hope your money dont run out and you sleep good in the nights because you are -buying- your family and friends..

fun if one day the money stops coming and you will be running back home...

[MrZM]

when i read alot answers here, seems like 80% of you are being used as ATM-machines

true love right, i hope your money dont run out and you sleep good in the nights because you are -buying- your family and friends..

fun if one day the money stops coming and you will be running back home...

What's your story?

[bigbamboo]

My wife's family are very respectful, too much so at times.... at least to my face!

But I like to put it down to my presence and of course the fact that I'm British.

Toodle pip!

[SoFarAndNear]

I also having a good relationship. My gf family is nice and I get the respect which I am giving them too. I know their way of life pretty good and they know my life also. I like all of her family members except her Stepfather. He is a drunk f*** and everone doesnt like him. He gets nothing of me, even no gifts on any visits and no one is blaming me for this because he will use every satang just to buy alcohol. Most people in the village hate him.

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[SoFarAndNear]

when i read alot answers here, seems like 80% of you are being used as ATM-machines

true love right, i hope your money dont run out and you sleep good in the nights because you are -buying- your family and friends..

 

fun if one day the money stops coming and you will be running back home...

Maybe you should learn more about the way of life of a thai family even if no foreigner is invovled. Children have to support their parents. And if their children have boyfriends or girlfriends, no matter if it is a foreigner or thai they have to support them too. My sister in law has a thai husband he is also supporting my GFs family.

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[Mossfinn]

She is like a Berlin wall

What! You take a jack hammer and 9lb hammer to her face, that's abuse that is!!

[Shakkas]

Two younger brothers like me and look up to me, Grandma likes me alot, GF's mother hates me probably because I never coughed for a wedding a month after I met the GF. Suits me great as Mother pays for all GF's expenses, UNI, allowance, Car, and buys her Gucci handbags on her overseas travels @ $800 AUD a piece. It's a great relationship.

[TexasRanger]

I don't even know why I get the respect in the village, they seem to think I am special just maybe because I am the only foreigner in the area. It's always the same, making sure my plate is full, keeping a fan on me, getting me a chair or a beer, like others said it can be embarrassing especially as my brother snd sister in law are the same age as I am. I don't isolate myself though, I hsve heard of westerners that do. I join in all the community stuff, building house's for monks, fixing peoples houses, driving monks to functiins etc etc. They look at me as if I am rich but not one person has ever asked me for money. I truly believe that they respect me because I speak their language, get down and dirty when there is work to be done and becsuse I am different, ie a foreigner, I dont find them to be at all xenophobic. Maybe it is because I treat them as equals and don't look down on them just because they are poor, a lot of people seem to do just that.

[johna]

My sister in law has turned most of the family against me, (most are dick heads so I'm quite happy with that) primarily because I wont lend her money.

Sounds like we have the same sister in law:)

You can also have a sister in law like her back home as well...

Just sayin

family members back home usually pay back what they borrow.

[Salapoo]

Provider, weirdo, neccessary evil.

[kikoman]

I have a great relationship with my wife's family and with the village as a whole.

I am treated with respect, not because I demand it but because I have earned it

I respect my wife's family, the people of the village and the Thai way of life. I try my best to participate in the village life and ceremonies.

I was asked to hand out achievement awards to the students of the local schools.

During Thai holidays the family and many village members come to place water on my feet and head, as they do with all the of their aged respected family members.

I was not asked for or paid a bride price, I take good care of my wife and her two daughters, we have added a room on our home for my in-laws to retire to when they chose to leave Bangkok.

As part of the family I have given presents, held birthday parties for the children of the family, and the family has frequently participated in all as well as our neighbors.

As one poster has stated that 80% of you are used as ATMs,

For doing the same as I would do with my family back in Mexico and the US. and the house (home) I built for my wife is a labor of love and not the result of a bitter divorce when my EX was given all but my pot to piss in.

After 5 years in the family I was asked by my wife cousin for a loan to buy medicine for his rice crop, which was promptly repaid on the day he cut his rice.

In life you get out of it the effort you put in to it.

If you give respect you will be granted respect in return.

Your money can not buy that for you, no matter how much money you have or give, without respecting the people and the country.

As a old farmer would say "You reap what you sow"!

Cheers:

Edited June 9, 2013 by kikoman

[BlackArtemis]

Divorced, so I will give a then and now.

Then:

Highly respected, taken care of, invited over frequently for home cooked meals, family events and the such. Always introduced to others as their son in law, never referenced as "the farang", farang may have been used to describe my ethnicity, but that's it. Money was never asked from me, was told that sin sod was an out dated idea and they only cared that I could take care of their daughter. I did pay for the wedding, but they gave elsewhere and paid their own way when visiting us in the US.

Now:

Nothing much has changed, was told how sorry they were that we were divorced and that I was always their son. I still see them out, still get invited over for dinner. I have a very amicable relationship with my Ex, there was no messy divorce or money grabbing (granted we had no children and this makes everything infinity easier) But we still hang out once in awhile.

So, I have had a very positive experience with family in Thailand. Therefore, I tend to take all these warnings with a grain of salt. I firmly believe you marry the family as well, so you had better consider it a package deal.

With my new girlfriend, it is not as tight as my ex, but they are still very respective of me etc etc. I don't believe I could stand for being part of a family that wasn't.

Edited June 9, 2013 by BlackArtemis

[Phronesis]

Never had a problem since politely refusing an early request for a loan. We all get on pretty well but I know how difficult it can be for 'Mia Farang', as they take a lot more flak and barracking from friends and family then most Farang Husbands ever realise. Can lead to marriage breakdown if they are unwilling to share this stress with you and get it out of their system.

In my experience Wive's friends and colleague's can be far worse than her family. It's 'Why don't you buy this or that?' and 'Why don't you travel now you have rich Farang?'. I have a friends wife who runs a business and since she married my pal all her friends keep asking her 'Why are you working when you marry rich Farang?'. She gets sick of it and replies 'Do I need to become disabled because I marry Farang?'.

A more common question is "How much is your salary".

[pattayadingo]

I think having a good MIL helps with life for the daughter too. Especially one who has a sense of humour.

One example being the other day. The g/f walks around the house in her bra and briefs most of the time. She was on the phone to her mother and said her mother wanted to speak to me. After i finished speaking and handed the phone back, I slapped the g/f's ass playfully a couple of times. The MIL heard it and asked what the sound was. After the g/f explained the mother had a great laugh about it.

There have been phone calls with the sister too and she always seems to end up giggling.

I think having a sense of humour can be a great leveller and Thai's do have one.

[benalibina]

As i am the OP, i need to give my position as well now within the family in law.

To be really honest, i do not know how they perceive me now. Neither do i know for sure how they have perceived me the last 8 years. 1 thing i do know is that there is a big difference in culture, upbringing, familyvalues and education. Most surprised i am is their perception of children, luug krung, in the family. If i was a basher of thais then i would have reason to write a very negative opinion about the subject. I know however that it takes 2 to tango. So have to look inwards as well. I have always told my wife that i need her for love and that the basics i can arrange myself. House, food etc. I have never been somebody who ' buys' a woman by start giving. This reflects on the fil as well. There is,was, not much in common however, eventhough i am able to speak thai. In my situation however, kids involved, because of the negative aspects of thai culture, as most of us should know it, the children will pay the price. My fil have never asked me for money and i have never seen them as moneygrabbers. Overall, as it is now, i suspect that i am halve in and outsider but in this troublesome situation i am more the outsider. I have realized that family influences play a big part and that selfishness, nationalism and ignorance, my opinion !!, by the 1 who has the most influence on my wife, have huge consequences for the future of the children. Sad !

One reaps what 1 sows !

What comes around goes around !

I should have done my homework better though but ......

Anyway thanks till now for all the replies and i sincerely wished that i could have the same as many of you guys.

[hellodolly]

I really don't know how the wife's family perceives me. I do not really spend much time with them. It took me two years to convince the wife that I would not buy a house. It is some thing in me today. I don't buy any thing I can't just walk away from.

If we go some where with either her brother or her daughter and her husband I am treated special. I get the front seat while the rest of the family crowds in the back. As a rule I don't have much inter action with them. Her brother borrowed 5,000 baht once and paid it back next month like he said he would.

I no longer pay things for her family with the exception of schooling. I give her a fair amount of money every month and she does with it as she see's fit. I found out the other day she actually has a bank account and is saving money not much but it is good to see she dosen't fritter it all away. She pays all her mothers expenses and money for her nephew to go to school. Actually I pay that he has to go to a special school as he is challenged mentally. I paid for some collage for her two kids now the one is a nurses aid and the boy is an electronics technician. It is a great sense of pleasure to see them upgrading their lives and that of their children.

[David48]

hellodolly, nice post above over-page ...

May I ask what money you do contribute to the expenses outside your Family home?

Or, if you simply give a certain amount to your partner and she then takes care of everything ... how much do you think she then assists with the greater families expenses?

.

Edited June 9, 2013 by David48

[lovelaos]

Here I cannot talk with the family of wife not understand English !

So no problems everyone goes there own way !

Also I read on many dating site ,that is important that we respect thai culture, but all the 10 years I stay here

In different relationship I find out that thai woman have a big problem in the via versa way to accept our culture, espasaly my wife's comes to Europe!

2 example after I Areived in the village

Was importent for the wife that we go to there friends house to show the farang

Also 50 people come to our home,

I want do same when we come back to Europe after visit 3 friends the aswer was I not want see more I am shy I stay at home. You can go alone !

Example number 2 of thai ignorance against farang culture!

Going out with friends in thai I must visit every friend or go somewhere with them,if I not do its end in a angry up to you and not talking with me one day !

If I want my wife go out with my friends in Europe , no I not want , this friend smoke the other I not like you can go alone I stay at home!

Last example , there was a Barok music concert in our local church, I payed around 50€ entry !

In the. Middle of the concert my thaiwife leave the church

And go out , I getting angry when I pay a lot entry, maybe I loose now my face I not sure about this haha..

The aswer was I not like musik pain in ear, we sit together for dinner in the public in front of the church , after 20 minutes she leave people talk to load and smoke

Back in Isaan last year in December

Was a CHRISMAS Molam party

Where Falang must go, the musik and the bass was even more louder then in the church but I wonder the ears of the wife does not shown any pain symthoms!

This happen in all my relation ship same way, when I read farang important accept our thai culture, I want extend with the phrase I only can do when you accept farang culture also !

But I never got any aswer why thai people have so strong problems to accept something diffrence!

I can eat farang food was one time the answer, but I like little. Bit, the best strategy is then you do exactly same style the thai woman do I told after this sometime I don't like thaifood

Stop talking with me one day, and I got fire in the roof!

Maybe I should also begin to not accept thai culture, after all this..

Oh dear

[David48]

Here I cannot talk with the family of wife not understand English !

So no problems everyone goes there own way !

Also I read on many dating site ,that is important that we respect thai culture, but all the 10 years I stay here

< snip >

Oh dear

Oh dear Oh dear

[nottocus]

^{Wife's family is pretty decent to me.}

^{Father is 80 and always is respectful to me. (Mother is dead)}

^{Brother number 1 sold us some cheap land and organized for the house to be built.}

^{Brother number 2 likes to have a drink.}

^{Brother number 3 speaks some English and is always willing to chat.}

^{Sister number 1 and sister-in-law number 1 are a bit shy but nice enough.}

^{All are happy I am a good husband to their daughter and all dote over our son.}

^{I have contributed small amounts here and there to help with various things, but when some extended relative asked for 200 K once, the wife put him in his place and he hasn't been heard from since.}

Edited June 10, 2013 by nottocus

[pgs]

Quite happily, I am well looked after by the family and the village - at on least 'our' side of the temple. I know more of the people on this side than on the other, but I am fairly sure most of them know which family I am with.

I've been considered a local & part of the family since the first visit. The 2nd visit clinched it. To my understanding, there are about 20 foreigners in our area, some permanently & some drop-ins. I am still a 'drop-in'. In the 10 years since I started going there I have seen maybe 2 of them, but neither speak. It seems most of them visit, lock themselves in the houses & send the wife/gf out to get food & booze - then only come out to head home. Really, I consider this their loss.

The 2 sisters (both in their 50's) still in the village drop by each morning for hugs & kisses, and again through the day when time permits. If the wife goes out & I decline to go also, the closest sister checks that I am ok for food at lunch/dinner & will either bring something or take me home to dine if I haven't bothered making something yet - and yes, I do cook.

When Thai mum died a few years back, her two remaining sisters offered to jointly take mum's place in my life - I was very attached to her. As I usually arrive in the dead of night, their homes are usually amongst the first I visit in the morning. They live next to each other about 3 streets from us. I'm told the younger one has short arms & deep pockets - not something I've ever seen. Her kids she will make something for, or let them get their own. She will go buy something for me. The older one is crippled from age, bent over and a little slow moving. Most of her day is spent on a low seat preparing silk for weaving. She moves at a surprising speed when I open the gate. Thai's might not be a 'huggy' type group, but this old one hugs like there's no tomorrow. :-)

Money - I am not asked for it & am rarely allowed to pay for anything, although I do generally find ways to replace what was spent on me.

Within the family I have never been "falang" or son-in-law or brother-in-law. It's always been my son or my brother. We are family, not in-laws.

By the locals that know me, 'falang' is sometimes used as a reference - usually preceded by 'the good'. More often it is ...'s son, or ...'s brother.

*

The 'visiting friends' issue Sandman77 has I can relate to.
2 hours with my friends in AU is far too long for her, but 7 or 8 hours with her friends at home is fine. The only up side is that her non-English speaking friends will at least try to converse with me - and keep the beer supplies up.
It's not that I don't like her friends, most are quite nice & treat me well - it's just that visiting at their homes is like being on a cruise-ship - when you've had enough it's a bit hard to leave.

[ABCer]

Who would stick around after being treated like dirt? Yeah, I will pay for a house in the village for my GF but if it does not work out to my satisfaction it's back to civilization. Like Burriam or Khorat!

My view is try not to get caught in a trap where you can not afford to jump in your truck and leave!

I wanted to ask something, I think all the Neg's are not peculiar to Thai people, but more so to poor people. I'm not afraid to say it. I've been poor and all things equal not poor is better. So maybe if someone wants to talk about Thai people, in Issan 90%, is it really NE TH or just poverty?

Brilliant! I remember a saying: Better to be young, healthy, rich and alive than old, sick, poor and dead...

Beats dead lion vs alive dog ...

[Kitsune]

they all love me

[SinglePot]

this is difficult for us also, because you are different

we are different together

not different colour, we like white skin :-)

but different culture

because we are different culture then sometimes have misunderstanding between us

when my sister she have new Thai boyfriend, he come my parents and show respect

respect is very important in our culture

money can no buy respect, it come from action, what you do

every family want to have happy family

for some Thai people it is honour to have Farang in the family

almost better then new car in driveway .. 555

many Thai think all Farang rich

some Family may ask you for loan

but then not understand why you say no

why he cheap Charly and no lend me

the secret is not that you say no, it is how you say no

how you say no, is important lesson to learn, must be like diplomat

this take me long time to write, so there is no misunderstanding

I hope this helps in understand Thai Family?

Almost better than new car in the driveway.... Almost![/

555

The game is really not that difficult, and players are easily moved around the board, but that is assuming one know the rules and how to play the game.

I agree that poverty and ignorance are part of the problem, if there is a problem at all. If you marry into the dregs of society how can you expect them to be anything other than what they are? Someone needs to take the highroad, but if the Farang is as crude and brutish as the family he marries into, then who will hold the middle ground and referee the proceedings.

Often the wife ends up stuck in the middle between a demanding, needy family and an angry, unsympathetic husband. There is little common ground to stand on and the poor girl is squeezed in the middle with no one considering how difficult it is for her.

Reading people cross-culturally is no easy task and it is often more than the words which are not understood. If you don’t speak each others languages, it is easy to dehumanize the other party, misread their intentions and see them in an unflattering light.

We may have only been married for 14 years and together for 16 but I think that is enough time to form an opinion. Someone needs to be the grownup but sometimes you have to know when to walk away from a situation that can’t be fixed. In our family we take a live and let live approach and I try to make things as easy as possible for my wife.

Undiplomatic request for a loan treated with diplomacy works a treat I find with the dregs of society.